


Never got over you

by ValkyrieOfSmut



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Reader-Insert, Romance, Sexual Tension, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-09-21 08:58:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 112,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17040740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyrieOfSmut/pseuds/ValkyrieOfSmut
Summary: (Y/n), a physical trainer at the gym she worked so hard to lose her extra weight at after high school, and Bucky, a veteran sent home after losing his arm, are put in an uncomfortable situation; they are now housemates. Problem 1: they don't like each other. Problem 2: the sexual tension between them keeps building. Problem 3: things keep pushing them together when they try to stay apart. Problem 4: they keep fantasizing about each other in ways that are definitely not helping the sexual tension. Problem 5: they're not sure what it is, yet, but it's sure to be as bad as the others.       NSFW 18+





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky x Reader
> 
> So, the first four chapters are going to be a bit short, just because that's where the breaks are that allow the sections to stay together. Ok, story info...
> 
> (Y/n), a physical trainer at the gym she worked so hard to lose her extra weight at after high school, and Bucky, a veteran sent home after losing his arm, are put in an uncomfortable situation; they are now housemates. Problem 1: they don't like each other. Problem 2: the sexual tension between them keeps building. Problem 3: things keep pushing them together when they try to stay apart. Problem 4: they keep fantasizing about each other in ways that are definitely not helping the sexual tension. Problem 5: they're not sure what it is, yet, but it's sure to be as bad as the others.
> 
> Hey, all, this is Valkyrie of Smut here to talk to ya'll about... oh wait, nevermind... I just wanted to post the summary above, incase you didn't read it all... I do that sometimes... lol  
> Anyway, enjoy!

Yes, this was really happening, (Y/n) had to convince herself. She was standing in the street, looking up at the fiery blaze that had been her apartment building.  
And after the hellish day she'd just finished, too.  
Oh of course her apartment would burn down on the night that she'd gone to surprise her boyfriend and found him in bed with one of his coworkers, or, on the kitchen table to be exact. Add to that him begging forgiveness, and then blaming her for having cheated, saying that she was such a lousy lay that he'd had to have sex with another woman, when she refused to forgive him.  
And that after having to work with the client that sexually harassed her through her whole training session as she tried to get him to work out while he just tried to grab her ass.  
"Oh my fuck," she murmured to herself, unable to tear her eyes away from the inferno that was destroying her home.  
Absently, she had the thought that at least it had been such a small place that she hadn't been able to fit all of her things in, so most of them were in a storage unit. Except her books, and bed, and most of her clothes...  
Well. Other than what she had in the gym bag on her arm.  
A bright light moved around in her preferials, and she snapped out if it enough to look over and see a tv crew filming.  
Her hand felt into her bag, digging out her phone and she stared at the dark screen.  
Who did she call? A friend? Family? Some long lost relative? The fucking shelter?  
Because that's where she was probably going to end up; long lost relatives? They were still lost to her, family? They had moved to the other side of the country two years ago, when she'd moved in here. Friends? Being the awkward tomboy that she was, she only had two or three friends that were close enough to ask to stay with them until she found a place. One was on her honeymoon, one had a tiny studio apartment, and the other, well, the two were really just really good acquaintances, and on second thought not someone that she would call out of the blue and ask for help like this unless she had no choice...  
Her eyes went back up to the flames licking the dark night sky.  
Tears started growing in her eyes as she hit the contact info for her friend in the tiny apartment.  
"(Y/n)?" He asked, his voice obviously sleepy.  
"I- I'm sorry to call and wake you, Dustin..."  
"What's up?" He asked.  
"I... was wondering if I could stay with you for- just for the night, maybe..."  
"What? What happened?" He asked, slightly more awake.  
"My apartment is on fire..."  
At the word fire, Dustin was awake. "Oh my god! Are you ok?"  
"I'm fine, I was at work, I went to Jason's, I got home, and... it was on fire..." She was still in shock.  
"Holy fuck, ok, ok..." he took a breath to compose himself. "I'm sorry, honey," he said as he gained more brain function. "I wish you could, but my boyfriend just moved in yesterday, and there is not a square foot of space that is free. Until we get things unpacked and put away, we only have the narrow path from the front door to the bed, and a branch going to the bathroom."  
"It's ok," she said, "I just... thanks."  
"Honey, you know I would-"  
"No, I know. I'll figure it out, don't worry." (Y/n) hung up the phone and dialed her friend's cell number, hoping that she'd still be up while she was on her honeymoon.  
There was no answer, so she sent a text, that way when she got it she could contact her back.  
(Y/n) looked up at the burning building again. The police were pushing everyone back as the firefighters battled to keep it under control and not let the fire jump to any of the surrounding buildings. She was now a block away from where she used to live, and looked down at the last contact she had in the area.  
Steve was one of those friends that she spoke to semi regularly, but who it always seemed to be like the time apart didn't affect their relationship.  
They'd met in high school, being in a few clubs and classes together, but hadn't really hung out outside of school until senior year when they had bonded over their love of the outdoors and had run around exploring everywhere.  
They really only spoke once every other month, sometimes once a month, but, even though (Y/n) was feeling numb, she knew it was important to find somewhere to stay.  
He picked up the phone on the fourth ring, and she hoped that meant that she wasn't bothering him. "(Y/n)? Hey, why are you calling so late?"  
Was it late, she wondered. It had only been about seven when she'd left work, of course, she'd caught the subway to Jason's, and the whole thing at his place, and arguing, and catching the subway back, and then standing here for, how long?  
"(Y/n)?" He called to her, and she realized that she had been silent for too long.  
"Hi, Steve. Um, sorry to call so late..." She was having trouble keeping her nerve up. Maybe she could go back to the gym she worked at and try to find somewhere in the locker room that she could hide and take a nap.  
"I suspect that it's something important, since you are," he offered kindly. He was always so kind. He was the first one she had trained with while trying to lose all of her excess weight, which had lead to her being a trainer at the gym where they'd trained.  
"I- I... my apartment burnt down- I mean, is burning down, right now," she told him, looking up to the fire that was just starting to be put out.  
"Wh- Ho-holy cow!" His shock woke her up a little. "Are you ok? Are you going to stay with your boyfriend? Do you need a ride?"  
Tears choked her. "Oh my god, Steve! That asshole cheated on me! I just got back from walking in on them on his kitchen table!" She could practically hear his eyes widen over the phone.  
"You've had a really terrible night, huh, (Y/n)?" He asked softly.  
"Steve, I'm sorry to ask, I wouldn't bother you with all this bullshit if I had another idea... Is it ok, could I crash on your couch tonight?" She asked, her voice calmer after her outburst.  
There was a silence full of regret for a moment. "I'm so sorry, (Y/n)... I'm shipping out to another base in the morning. I'd let you stay at my place, but I just got everything moved to storage and gave the keys back this morning; I'm going to be staying at the barracks on base tonight."  
The shock kept her from freaking out. "Ok. Thanks anyway, Steve," she told him.  
"I'm so sorry," he told her again.  
"It's ok, I'll figure something out," she answered dully.  
"No, wait," he told her as a thought struck him. "I'm at my friend's house, we were hanging out before I left tomorrow- he's got, like three extra rooms. Let me ask him-"  
"N-no, it's ok, Steve, I don't want to impose on a stranger, I'll figure something out," she assure him.  
"He's not a stranger, you know him. We were all in high school together, I'm pretty sure you had some classes together."  
"I really don't-"  
"I'm sure it'll be no problem, (Y/n)," he said, a little firmer. He could hear the fatigue in her voice and knew she was probably not in the shape to be thinking things through too clearly, and he didn't want her to get hurt. "I'm going to message you the address, and let my friend know what's happening, ok? I'll wait until you get here, and make sure you're ok. I'm sending you the address now. Just show the message to the cab driver, ok?"  
"I- really, Steve-"  
"I'll see you when you get here, (Y/n), I'm counting on you to get that cab here so I can get back to base," he said with a tone that left no room for argument.  
"Ok," she answered.  
(Y/n) had to walk four blocks away to get somewhere that a cab could see her to hail it, and when she climbed into the seat, she opened the message and showed it to the driver without looking at it. "This address, please."  
As she rode in the taxi, all of the day's events were playing through her mind like previews for a movie; distant and not affecting to her. She was still numb.

... ... ...

Bucky opened another can of soda, looking out into the fields behind the house he'd inherited from his grandparents, enjoying the quiet of the night as Steve used the bathroom. He looked up as he heard his friend make an exclamation of surprise in the kitchen, and waited for him to make his way back out and tell him what had surprised him so much.  
"So, Bucky, I have a... Well, a favor, for a friend of mine..."  
Bucky took another drink from the can in his prosthetic metal hand as he waited for Steve to get his words together.  
"My friend's apartment building burnt down, or, it actually sounds like it is in the process of burning down, right now... I was wondering, you have some space, and, she doesn't have anywhere to go- do you think she could stay in one of your extra rooms until she gets a place? You know her, from high school, we were all in a couple of classes together, so it's not someone you've never met," Steve told him, making a case for his friend.  
Steve was a wonderful person, kind and caring, always wanting to take care of others who needed help. Lord knew Steve had always been there for him when he needed him.  
Bucky took another drink from his can, thinking through it. He could wear a long sleeve shirt, and his arm wouldn't be so noticeable, like now, and it was a pretty big house, with a lot of land meaning that if he wanted to get away from the person, he could. And no one could doubt that Steve's heart was in the right place.  
"Yeah, sure," he answered.  
"Thanks, Bucky. I'll owe you one."  
They relaxed until there was a knock at the door, and Bucky went to answer it as Steve grabbed his duffle bag to catch the cab back to base.  
(Y/n) stood on the very nice porch- or was a porch this big called a veranda?- her eyes still glazed in shock, holding on to the strap of her gym bag.  
The door opened and a face she never thought she'd see again appeared.

Preview: ...

Lol, this is more like an explanation outside of the story for the next part. And seriously, let me know if this ever happened to any of you, cause it actually happened to me, more than once, and I actually shut down a guy I had a crush on because I thought he was playing the same shit. He was on the basketball team, and I was in choir, band, and drama club for cripes sakes, not to mention the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse, plus neglect I was getting at home. I didn't think very highly of myself, and I couldn't imagine any reason he'd be interested in me.

(Y/n) sat quietly at her desk, reading through the assignment, figuring the problems, when she noticed the group of boys headed to her. Not knowing almost anyone because of moving here only about a year ago, and being one of the nerdy kids who didn't fit in, and seeing that the group of six or so boys were all either on the basketball or soccer teams, she put her head down, trying not to draw attention to herself.  
One of the boys, one that she had heard a lot of the girls comment was really cute, and he was, leaned against the desk in front of her. The group all surrounded him on one side and looked at (Y/n).  
"Hey, (Y/n)," the main boy greeted.  
"Hi," she greeted back, trying to be polite.  
He shot her a smile, and though he wasn't quite her type, she could not deny that he was cute. "I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me?"  
(Y/n)'s brow furrowed in confusion.  
She didn't really know this guy, couldn't think of any other classes she had with him, or any time she'd spent with him where he could have developed a crush on her.  
The real reason for the confusion, though, was the fact that he was on the basketball team.  
He was popular, and she was not.  
Shouldn't he ask one of the popular girls out? Didn't he want to be with a girl that wore makeup and did her hair all pretty every morning?  
Why was he, a basketball player, asking her, an unpopular nobody, out, and how did he even know who she was?  
"Umm..." She murmured as she wondered, her eyes traveling over the group of boys around him.  
Why were they all here if it was just the one boy asking her out? What the hell was going on here?  
Suddenly, the group all burst out laughing, and the questioning look left (Y/n)'s face.  
Oh.  
It was a joke.  
So funny...  
She smiled politely, trying to show that she could take a joke, and the boys just kept laughing, getting up and walking away.  
What the hell was that all about?  
It didn't make any sense the second time it happened, or the third, and she could still think of no reason for it, nor did it make any sense at all that they were doing it, except that they were just being jerks, asking her out only because she was one that they'd never ask out, and they just wanted to laugh at her.


	2. Chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> High school, and what happened in their past from Reader's pov.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, only a couple more of these, promise!

**_High school._**

(Y/n) looked over at Bucky, the super suave hunk, a small smile growing on her lips. She was pretty sure he was the sexiest man alive, despite only being seventeen.  
Her crush on him had begun in sophomore year, when she saw him walking down the hall with his friend, Steve, who she knew from a few of her classes and book club.  
She knew that she didn't have a chance, though; he was not only out of her league, but so far out of her league that she would have to have taken two different lines of the subway just to get to a connecting line to the league that he was in.  
Pudgy, nerdy, unattractive tomboys like her were not on his radar, and it didn't help that just because she didn't wear dresses and makeup, everyone was spreading rumours that she was a lesbian. But at least she could look.  
He was amazing. He fueled her midnight fantasies, and his was the name she desperately wanted to spill across her lips as she was brought to ecstasy.  
(Y/n) had known Steve for almost all of high school, and had spent time with him in clubs, but it was only recently that they had started hanging out outside of school, hiking and exploring all around the surrounding areas that didn't have buildings growing out of them already.  
As her eyes glanced back up to take another look at Bucky, she saw that he and Steve were headed toward her.  
(Y/n) felt her heart leap in her throat, pounding as she tried to calm it, assuring herself that there was no way they were headed to sit with her, they must be going behind her; someone like Bucky Barnes would never sit by her in public.  
Except they did.  
"Hey, (Y/n)," Bucky greeted with a smile that felt like it was just for her, and her heart skipped a beat. Then another as she realized; had Bucky Barnes just said her name? He knew her name?!  
"Hi," she answered softly.  
"So, Bucky wanted to come with us up to the creek this weekend," Steve told her.  
"Oh," she managed to say.  
"It sounded really fun when Steve was talking about the last time you guys went. Would it be ok, (Y/n)?"  
Oh dear god, he said her name again. "Y-yeah," she nodded.

... ... ...

That weekend was fun, but nerve wracking. (Y/n) enjoyed the humor that flowed easily between the two boys, and seeing them enjoying themselves, involving her as much as she would allow, as she was a little nervous to embarrass herself in front of the man she had a crush on.  
And when they got to the creek, her heart nearly stopped when he pulled his shirt off and ran into the water with Steve, splashing and playing around.  
He went with the two the next weekend as well, exploring the area just outside of town.

(Y/n) was actually able to manage a few sentences by the next time she saw him in the lunchroom. He was alone, not with Steve, and strutted over to the table she was sitting at with a book.  
(Y/n) looked up at him, her fork halfway to her mouth, surprised to see him there.  
"Hey, (Y/n)," he greeted with a smile, making her heart simultaneously melt and flutter.  
"Hi, Bucky," she greeted back with a blush.  
"So, (Y/n), what are you doing this weekend?"  
Her eyes widened as she looked at him in surprise. Why would he be asking that? She didn't think that he seemed rude enough to be asking her that just to shove it in her face that she was a loser with no friends, but she had heard many of the popular kids do that, and he was definitely popular. "Why?" She asked nervously.  
"Just wondering." His expression wasn't giving anything away.  
"I don't know..." She admitted softly, warily watching him.  
"Ok," he answered as Steve arrived and sat down.

In their next class together, trigonometry, when the teacher gave free time to work on the assignment, he walked across the room, everyone watching him pass until he got to her, sitting backwards on the desk part of the vacated seat in front of her, making him taller as he rested his feet on the seat.  
He grinned down at her, his hands clasping over his knees. "Hey, doll."  
(Y/n)'s cheeks reddened at him using that endearment on her. Had he really said that to her? Wait, why had he said that to her? "Hi," she greeted uncertainly.  
"So, do you want to go out to dinner this Saturday?" He asked with a straight face, still grinning.  
Wait, what the hell was going on here?  
"Um... why?" She managed.  
"You know, this thing called a date?" He joked. She looked at him in confusion. "(Y/n)? Do you want to go on a date with me?" He asked, not letting his grin fall.  
Or trying not to laugh until the joke was over. He'd set it up; ask her out on a date, then when she said yes, laugh at her and tell her that he'd never go out with her.  
Jesus he was immature; that had happened to her in freshman year a couple of times, only she hadn't said yes. As the boy and his friends were standing there after he'd asked, she was trying to figure out why he'd asked, and they'd all burst into laughter.  
Her heart squeezed painfully in her chest. "I-" She couldn't say anything, every word got stuck in her mouth as her cheeks reddened.  
(Y/n) could hear the other kids in the class talking, and some of it was about her; what was Bucky Barnes doing talking to her? Why was he asking her out?  
Anger and embarrassment filled her chest. Her cheeks darkened and tears grew in her eyes.  
He'd always seemed so sweet...  
She'd thought he was nice...  
She silently stood and picked up her backpack, pulling it onto her shoulder as she gathered her books from her desk. "You're an asshole," she told him just before she passed him and walked out of the class, hurrying to the bathroom down the hall.  
Tears were pouring from her eyes as she locked the stall door behind her, setting her bag down and sitting on the toilet.  
(Y/n) had liked him so much, and she was happy with getting to spend time with him as a friend, just a few hours in her life, but him trying to play this joke on her hurt like a knife to the chest, like he had betrayed her.

In the following days, he tried to talk to her, but she tried to make it as clear as possible that she wanted nothing to do with him, walking away if he got close and ignoring him if he called her name.  
In class he would sit next to her, so she had taken to asking people around her to trade seats just before the bell rang, and the girls were only too happy to, as they would be sitting next to the sexiest man alive.  
He would get close to her in the halls and touch her, a brush of his hand on her shoulder, her hips, the small of her back, and look at her as he walked away with the flow of hallway traffic, teasing her with fleeting touches.  
All of that until she'd had enough, and she couldn't stand it anymore.  
Everyone was talking about how he was teasing her, playing pranks on her, trying to trick her into thinking that he liked her, as though she was too stupid to be able to tell.

Then, at lunch he came over and stood over her, not sitting at the table, but standing next to her. (Y/n) looked up at him, wariness filling her stomach.  
"(Y/n), can I ask you-"  
"No," she answered before he had a chance to speak.  
"I want to know what I did that made you mad," he told her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Please tell me, doll."  
His hand sent shivers of mixed emotions down her spine and through her stomach, and it made her angry that she still had this reaction to him.  
"You really don't know?" She asked as she scowled at him.  
He shook his head. "Come on, doll, if I knew, would I ask?" He asked quietly, his hand slipping down her shoulder and squeezing.  
She clenched her jaw and stood. Did he think she was an idiot? Did he think he was actually fooling her with this act? That she would believe that he, James Buchanan Barnes, top social tier and sexiest man alive, would actually come up to her, somewhere near the bottom social tier with the outcasts and nerds, fat, unpopular, awkward, shy, unattractive girl and ask her out? That he could ever actually be interested in her?  
"I told you to leave me alone."  
"(Y/n)-"  
Her heart ached painfully, as it always did when he was near. She snapped and her hand flew forward, slapping him across the cheek. "Stay away from me!" She yelled at him and stormed away, running to the bathroom to go cry her eyes out.


	3. Chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present set up and high school from Bucky's pov.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next to last short chapter, I think. Big, long chapters coming.

**_Present._ **

Tears still hadn't come, she was zoned out as she stared at the door in front of her. Then at the chest in front of her as it opened.  
(Y/n) shifted the strap of the bag and looked up at the man in front of her, her brain having to do a double take.  
A piece of her mind that was still functioning recognized that that was Bucky Barnes, all tall and broad and more muscled than she remembered him, still a perfect specimen of deliciousness.  
Oh, those strong arms should wrap around her, those soft looking lips, she needed them on hers, those beautiful eyes- she still thought of them in the middle of the night, they had been in her mind when she had been with her boyfriend -er, ex-boyfriend- and her apparent lousiness in bed had caused no pleasure to be had, and after Jason had finished, when she'd snuck into the bathroom to get a little release of her own. They were the ones she thought of staring into hers when she turned on the erotic podcast she'd found, listening to the man's amazing voice as she brought herself to orgasm to the stories he weaved around her.  
He turned back into the house, calling angrily over his shoulder for Steve, and she noticed that his hand on the doorway to block her out was shiny, it looked like it was metal, and the working part of her brain filed that info away.  
Steve came to the door, pushing Bucky's arm out of the way and wrapped his hand around her forearm, pulling her into the living room off through a doorway in the entrance hallway.

Bucky glared as he closed the door and followed, watching Steve take her bag from her and set it on the floor in front of the couch against the far wall, on the other side of his reclining armchair, pushing her back to sit on the couch.  
His glare was trained on her, listening as Steve asked if she was ok, reassured her that she was safe here, that everything would be ok, and that he'd call her the next day to check on her again when he got to his new base.  
Her eyes were trained on the floor at Steve's feet were he crouched in front of her, and she wasn't reacting to anything, just staring.  
Steve stood and turned to see a dark cloud surrounding Bucky in the doorway. "Can I talk to you, Steve?" He asked, and Steve followed him to the kitchen. "She can't stay here."  
"Why not, you said she could-"  
"I didn't know it was her," Bucky spat. "(Y/n), she can't stay here."  
"Bucky, she has nowhere to go-"  
"Not my problem."  
"You have four rooms-"  
"No room for her."  
"Bucky," Steve sternly said his name. "She has nowhere to go and you have four rooms in this huge farmhouse. She has whatever is in that gym bag, and I'm sure not much else. Her home burnt down. She told me she just lost her boyfriend, too. She has had a rough day. You should know about rough days."  
"So you're comparing getting my arm blown off to losing your boyfriend and having your house burn down?" Bucky demanded as he flexed his metal hand at Steve.  
"I was talking about the nightmares," he corrected.  
"So then you're comparing PTSD to losing your boyfriend and having your house burn down," Bucky growled.  
"You know I'm not. Just that you feel wiped after the nightmares, and, I'd imagine, how that can make you feel like things aren't going your way. Bucky- I don't know what the hell happened between the two of you, but she is a friend in need right now. She only needs help until she gets a new place. Are you saying that you can't put whatever happened aside for two weeks? You saw her; she's in shock, Buck! She'd probably not notice she was walking off a cliff if you pointed her at one and told her to walk."  
Bucky clenched his jaw and glared at the wall as he folded his arms.  
"Bucky, please," Steve changed tactics, pleading softly with his oldest friend.  
Bucky gave a half groan half growl and shrugged. "Go catch the cab before the damn thing leaves you," he said with a tone of resignation.  
"Thank you, Bucky," Steve said, squeezing his shoulder and heading out through the door to the waiting cab.  
Bucky groaned and ran his hands over his face, leaning back against the wooden counter.

**_High school._ **

Bucky looked over at (Y/n), a silly grin spreading over his lips, and he took a drink to hide it.  
Steve noticed and chuckled. "You getting soft on someone?" He asked.  
Bucky shrugged, his eyes trailing over (Y/n)'s hair, braided back to keep it out of the way. Her beautiful (e/c) eyes were moving over the pages of a book, her hand occasionally moving food to her mouth.  
She was so smart, always seeming to have the right answer when she was called on in class, and he found that attractive about her, too. Her cheeks were a little round from the pudge that gave her a soft appearance, but he liked it, he liked the way it gave her a fuller appearance, thick, soft looking thighs, plump breasts, a bit of softness in her belly and a nice roundness to her hips. So much better than the too thin girls that thought they were better than everyone just because they were thin.  
She was beautiful.  
He thought about her in intimate moments, when he was alone, how warm she would be if he held her against him, if he laid between her thighs, squeezing their softness as he did things that made her let out the most beautiful noises, how her hips would feel in his hands as he thrust against her, bringing them both pleasure.  
He blushed as Steve chuckled again. "Are you staring at (Y/n)?" He asked, taking a bite of his meal.  
Bucky grinned again. "Can you blame me? Look at her. She's so cute when she blushes, too, like that shy girl next door."  
"I know her, you know," Steve told him.  
Bucky raised a brow. "Yeah, we all had some classes together last year."  
"I mean, we're in clubs and stuff together, like book club. And, we've been hanging out; last month, we went up around the hill, and found a trail off to the side that lead through some bushes and trees, and found a creek, and last week we went up to the trail around the shore-"  
"Sounds fun, but she'd never be interested in me. Isn't she into girls?" He asked.  
Steve shook his head. "Don't tell me you believe all that garbage that goes around. She's not a lesbian; she is definitely into guys."  
Bucky's brow raised as he suddenly became serious. "Yeah?"  
"Yeah," Steve nodded.  
"How do you know? I thought she was dating that guy, Dustin, so that they could seem straight, but they were both actually gay," Bucky said.  
Steve shook his head again. "No way. Dustin is gay, and she was helping him seem straight because he hadn't come out yet, but- I asked her if she knew he was gay while they were dating, and she laughed. She told me she's known he's gay since middle school, and had been telling him to come out since then, but he was too afraid to, so she was giving him cover."  
Bucky smiled. God, she was sweet.  
"And, finally, he came out, so he didn't need her to pretend anymore."  
"Ok, but that doesn't mean she's-"  
"She said she was glad they could finally talk about boys together," Steve informed him as he took another bite.  
"Oh..." Bucky looked over to (Y/n) again, his eyes taking her in. Her beautiful, makeup free face, her gorgeous, bright eyes... He had thought that she was off the table, someone he'd only ever get to look at and think about, but never actually get the chance to ask out. "You have to get me an in," Bucky told Steve.  
"Excuse me?"  
"Like, take me with you guys somewhere, so I can start winning her over."  
Steve shrugged. "Sure."

And then they'd gone hiking to the creek, and (Y/n) was so sweet and shy that Bucky wanted to kiss her until she blushed red and smiled at him. He wanted to triple check Steve's claims of her interest in men, just for his own peace of mind, and had stripped his shirt off, pleasantly encouraged when he caught her biting her lip and staring at him as he splashed around with Steve in the water. They went out again together, exploring overgrown blocks outside of town where animals scurried away from their loud footsteps. And then, when he felt like he could get her to talk to him comfortably enough, he approached her in the lunchroom, sitting across from her, managing to ask her if she had any weekend plans before Steve joined them.

Two periods later, and they were in math together. They had assigned seats there, so he wasn't able to sit next to her, but when the free time came, he walked across the room to sit on the desk in front of her, putting his feet up on the seat so that he could face her as he grinned. "Hey, doll."  
(Y/n)'s cheeks reddened adorably. "Hi," she greeted.  
"So, do you want to go out to dinner this Saturday?" He asked, grinning at her cuteness.  
"Um... why?" She asked nervously after a moment.  
"You know, this thing called a date?" He joked, trying to put her at ease. (Y/n) looked at him in confusion. "(Y/n)? Do you want to go on a date with me?" He asked, not letting his grin fall, but nervous about her silence.  
"I-" (Y/n)'s cheeks reddened, and he thought she was the cutest girl in the world. He was glad that this cute reaction was happening because of him, and he wished he could lean close and kiss her warm cheeks.  
The other kids in the class were talking, but he was too focused on waiting for (Y/n) to answer him to pay attention to what they were saying.  
Anger showed on her face as her cheeks darkened. She silently stood and picked up her backpack, pulling it onto her shoulder as her hands gathered her books from her desk. "You're an asshole," she told him just before she passed him and walked out of the class, leaving him to watch her with the most confused look he'd ever donned.  
What? Why had she called him an asshole? He just wanted to take her to dinner. He wanted to go after her and ask how he'd offended her, but he couldn't afford to get the trouble that walking out of class would bring him.

In the following days, Bucky tried to talk to (Y/n), but she did her best to make it clear that she wanted nothing to do with him, walking away when he was near and ignoring him if he called her name, but that only confused him more.  
In class he would sit next to her, but she started to ask people around her to trade seats just before the bell rang, and the girls were only too happy to.  
He would get close to (Y/n) in the halls and touch her, just a brush of his hand to get her attention as the current of the hall traffic carried him past, trying to let her know he still wanted to talk to her and hang out with her.  
Until he couldn't stand to wait for her to come to him anymore. Then, at lunch he went over and stood next to (Y/n). He had to find out why she suddenly hated him. What could he have possibly done to turn her from hot to cold so fast? "(Y/n), can I ask you-"  
"No," she answered before he had a chance to speak.  
"I want to know what I did that made you mad," he told her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Please tell me, doll."  
"You really don't know?" She asked as she scowled at him.  
He shook his head. "Come on, doll, if I knew, would I ask?" He asked quietly, his hand slipping down her shoulder and squeezing, trying to nonverbally let her know he still wanted to be at least friends.  
She clenched her jaw and stood. "I told you to leave me alone."  
"(Y/n)-"  
She cut him off as her hand flew forward, slapping him across the cheek. "Stay away from me!" She yelled at him, running from the room.  
Bucky stood there in shock, no idea what the hell had just happened.

Afterwards, he asked Steve if maybe she thought they were dating, but he'd said no.  
The rumor mill had started the moment her hand had struck his face, and by the end of the week, he had a reputation as a womanizer and a pervert, neither of which bothered him extremely much, but when he heard that she was saying things that bad mouthed his character, he was irritated.  
He put it all down to her being crazy and thinking he was trying to steal his best friend's girlfriend, being crazy enough to think that she and Steve were together.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back on track with the story, and onward we go!

_**Present.** _

Bucky walked back to the doorway of the front room, looking over (Y/n). She was wearing a pair of leggings and a shirt that was baggy on her, her chest was bound close, probably by a sports bra, and her sneakers were off, on the floor next to the bag she was staring at in a daze.  
"You can't stay here," he told her, leaning against the door jamb with a glare. Her eyes looked up to him, a bit hollow looking, and a spike of guilt and anger, at the guilt, hit him.  
Those beautiful eyes had haunted him, long after he'd started to distance himself from her; he still thought of her in his intimate moments alone, and he wouldn't say he stalked her on social media; he never went on her page, he just looked at the things about her in Steve's, and saw how her life was changing, keeping up with a friend of a friend, was all, and in the pictures she was tagged in, he always felt the tug that pulled him to her, that attraction that made him wish she wasn't crazy.  
"Ok," she agreed softly. "Can I- can I use your couch... to call a cab? I just need to call a cab- I'll leave, I'll figure something out..."  
Bucky felt sympathy wash through him and straightened. "Fine," he told her, turning and walking away so he didn't have to feel the irritating emotions flowing through him, walking to the kitchen and pulling out a can of cat food and taking it through the open door to the back where he had been sitting peacefully not two hours ago, before she had showed up. He opened the can of food and set it down for the stray cats he fed. They were out here in the wild, lost to humanity, doing the best they could, just like him, and he felt they had built a camaraderie.  
(Y/n) had pulled out her phone again, looking down at it. She needed to find the number for a taxi service that was still running, wasn't it past midnight, now? She swiped to unlock her phone and saw the picture of her and Jason that she had set as her background.  
Pain filled her heart.  
He was the first man she'd ever been in a serious relationship with, her first, and only, sexual experience, but he was enough to show her that all of those romance novels she'd read were lying; sex wasn't really that good. They'd tried different positions and things, so it wasn't like she was basing it off of one experience, but it had all been boring.  
The image of Jason plowing into that strange woman on his kitchen table flashed in her mind and tears burst through her eyes. She'd told him once that she thought it would be sexy to try doing it there, and he had called her disgusting, saying that that's where they ate.  
Tears were running down her cheeks and chest, now, as the whole day's events washed through her again; that asshole thinking he had the right to touch and try to grope her, just because she worked at the gym he paid a membership to, Jason, hip deep in some woman on the table, her making noises that were like she'd never made during sex; he must be right, she must be bad at it, the argument that had followed, and finally getting home to see she had no home.  
Then, the whipped cream on the sunday; ending up at Bucky Barnes's house, seeing him after these few years, he had grown, gotten even more amazingly sexy and handsome- they really needed to put a limit on how it was possible for a person to look so good.  
All of her high school feelings were instantly rekindled, burning in her belly with a need she hadn't felt, maybe ever, and she wanted to forget that he was an asshole, that he liked to play tricks on plain, fat girls to destroy them emotionally for fun, and jump into his arms and kiss him, and give sex another shot while she was at it.  
The cherry on top of the whole mess was that she was being kicked out, so she really had nowhere to go, except the shelter.  
Were they still open? Should she sleep out in a field around here and then try to go in the morning?  
Sobs pushed through her chest, and she buried her face in a pillow on the couch to muffle them. She just had to get control of the sobbing so that she could call a cab to take her out of here; they wouldn't be able to understand her otherwise.

Bucky turned and headed to the living room when he felt he had given (Y/n) enough time to get a cab on it's way, only to walk in and find her passed out on his couch.  
His brow furrowed in irritation as he looked her over; damn her, now he was going to have to wake her up and push her through the door.  
He stopped in front of the couch, looking down at (Y/n), not able to help noticing how much she had changed; she was slimmer, still a bit thick, but mostly muscle, now, though he was glad to see that there was still a softness to her, and her thighs, her waist had narrowed, as well, and her face was slimmer, more like the models on tv than it had been in high school.  
His body ignored his instructions and reacted, interested in trying again, always interested in trying again where he'd left off with (Y/n).  
He noticed the tear trails down her face, the pained crimp in her brow and the frown turning down the corners of her parted lips, and he hesitated, feelings washing through him.  
One of the cats jumped up onto (Y/n) and laid down as he watched, and he sighed. They said animals were good judges of character.  
"You're wrong on this one," he told the cat. His eyes trailed over her again, and he grabbed a throw from the back of the couch, his flesh hand brushing over her foot as he laid it over her, surprise lifting his brow when a soft sigh that sounded like desire left her lips at the touch.  
He quickly stood and picked the cat up, putting it outside and locking the door before going up to his room.  
Bucky opened the balcony door and stepped out, taking a few breaths to clear his mind.  
(Y/n) really didn't have anywhere to go that night it seemed, after he'd looked up the building fire that had taken out her place, and if the amount of tears that had knocked her out in the middle of trying to get a cab were any indication, she really had had a bad day.  
He sighed and ran a hand through his long locks.  
He did have three extra rooms, and it wouldn't kill him to let her stay there...  
Not physically, anyway.  
He still didn't want her there, bringing up all the feelings he'd had for her, and causing issues...  
She had to know someone she could stay with, she was just in shock and couldn't think of them.  
He turned and went to his bed, pulling off his clothes and trying to get some sleep.

After the nightmares woke him, though, he went to the computer in the corner of his room and turned it on. He pulled up his browser and opened the social media page he'd set up for his podcast, then turned it to look at her page.  
The pictures of her on there were older, he could tell, as her face wasn't quiet as thin as he'd seen it down stairs, resting on the pillow on his couch, and he could tell by the infrequency of posts that she was hardly ever on there.  
(Y/n) was still the thought of perfection in his mind, and he was surprised to find that it had transcended her change in physical appearance; didn't people have a type they were attracted to? He supposed that she didn't really look that different, but it was still a significant change from the chubby girl he'd known in high school to the woman on his couch.  
He shook his head to clear it and exited the browser, instead pulling up his audio files to edit his podcast; he may as well get some work done while he was awake.  
He blushed a bit as he opened the latest one and listened to it as he made edits.  
_"Please don't be shy, baby... Yes, I do want to lick you there, I want to run my tongue down the valley between your breasts, trail it down your beautiful body... I want to kiss around your belly button and let the tip of my tongue dip in, then continue down to your pretty little pussy- I really hope you let me open your thighs and taste it-"_  
Oh god, he was so corny, Bucky thought.  
_"I want to run my tongue over your clit, make circles around it... Rub my fingers over your tight little hole, push one in, slowly in and out... Ooooh, yeah, doll, I'm going to lick that delicious clit and thrust my fingers in you, hit that g-spot and make you scream my name- Can you say it? Can you say my name for me? ... Good girl, say it again... Ooooh, yeah, doll, oh, babydoll."_  
There was panting and moaning as he stroked himself, and Bucky blushed harder, remembering how he'd been thinking of (Y/n), of all the things he wanted to do to her, with her.  
He finished editing the file and closed it, opening his account on the payment site to see that it was decently funded.  
After he went through that, he opened his social media page again, checking his messages.  
There were a couple, one a dirty message from a listener saying how much she appreciated his podcasts helping her get off, and another from a woman letting him know that she'd donated, and saying that she'd give more for a picture of him.  
He smiled, appreciating that she, like many others, said she'd like to see him, but not wanting to show himself to his patrons, knowing that the metallic prosthetic attached at the shoulder would put them off, not to mention the horror inducing scars around the edge of it.  
He looked down at it, and couldn't help but wonder how (Y/n) would react if she saw it.  
A bolt of pain hit his heart.  
She didn't like him, had made it very clear that he was unwelcome in her life back in high school, and that wouldn't have changed, now.  
Bucky rubbed his hands over his face as he leaned back in his chair.  
He needed to work on more segments for his podcast, so he opened his documents and closed his eyes, trying to find inspiration.  
He thought of (Y/n) down on his couch, and started typing.

... ... ...

(Y/n)'s eyes opened, feeling sticky.  
Dried tear trails itched down her cheeks and neck, and she stretched, wiping at the feeling, looking around at her surroundings.  
It was a large, bright room, the sun shining in through large windows, through which she could see fields and trees.  
The day before hit her, and she felt her heart ripping in two again as she sat up, a blanket falling from her.  
Jason, that ass, and her apartment, and Bucky- oh god, that delicious hunk of man meat that had made thoughts long thought dead enter her mind again.  
And she was supposed to have left. She must have fallen asleep before she'd managed to get a cab.  
(Y/n) heard him shuffling and moving around in another room and pulled on her shoes, standing and grabbing her gym bag before hesitantly making her way to where the noises were originating from.  
She saw that a door was open in the kitchen, and that Bucky wasn't inside of it, so she went to the open glass door and looked out through it to see him on the lawn, stretching and walking over to a huge, ancient tree where a punching bag was hanging.  
Shirtless.  
Did she mention shirtless?  
And oh, dear god, the view had gotten better since the time he'd pulled his shirt off at the creek in high school.  
(Y/n) bit her lip, aching to go to him. To run her hands over his muscled shoulders, his chest...  
She felt heat pooling in her stomach as she watched his muscles bunch and flex as he hit the bag, sending it swinging.  
Her eyes lingered on his left arm, seeing scarring around the edge of where the metal met his shoulder.  
A stab of pain hit her, twisting her stomach at the thought that he had been injured that badly. She wondered what had happened, how it had happened, and how the arm worked as it moved and flexed the same as his other arm.  
Bucky gave a strong hit, making the bag swing far and back as he turned back to the house, pushing his hair out of his eyes.  
He froze as he saw (Y/n), and she missed the flash of fear in his eyes as she noticed the little bit of stubble shadowing his jaw.  
"I- I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to fall asleep on your couch, I just..." She turned her eyes to the porch beneath her feet as she pushed away more tears. "It was a rough day and I guess I passed out."  
Bucky carefully walked toward her, a tentative, slightly fearful question in his eyes as he got closer. "Steve said your apartment building burned down."  
She nodded. "Yeah... And... other stuff..." Her eyes moved up to his, but he didn't seem to get an answer to his question.  
"Like what?" He asked, using his metal hand to wipe over his forehead and push his hair back as he stopped in front of her.  
"It's not important," she told him as a glint from his arm caught her eyes, drawing them to it, but they just as easily slid back to his eyes. "Thanks for not carrying me outside and dumping me in a ditch."  
Bucky's eyes searched hers. He slapped his metal hand to his chest as though he were shocked at what she'd said, and her eyes flicked to his hand on his chest, wincing as the thump sounded painful. "I feel hurt you would think me capable of such things," he said, watching as (Y/n)'s eyes were drawn to the motion of his hand, then back up to his as he spoke.  
"Well, anyway," she said, starting to turn. "I'm leaving, so thanks for the couch for the night. I'll get out of your hair-"  
Panic flooded him for an unknown reason. "No-" His hand grabbed her arm and she looked at him in question. "I- I'm sorry for how I acted last night- I didn't, I was having a day, too..."  
She shrugged, giving a watery half smile. "I feel ya." She started to turn, and Bucky's hand tightened on her, but he dropped it as her phone rang. "Hello?" She questioned after she'd dug the phone from her bag. "Oh, oh yeah... yeah, ok."  
"What's up?" He asked, seeing that she looked embarrassed.  
"I-" she sighed, "they said I can go to my apartment and look through it for anything salvageable..."  
"Oh, that sounds good."  
She heaved a sigh. "Yeah, if I had anywhere to put it... though, I guess I could take it to storage- if I had a car... if there's even that much to save..." She started turning again.  
"So, you need a ride over there?" Bucky asked.  
"Oh, I couldn't ask you for anything like that," she told him, starting toward the door through the house. "I'm actually going to call that cab, this time," she laughed, searching for the number for a cab as she walked through the house.  
"Don't worry about it, I have to go into town, anyway," he told her, which wasn't completely a lie; he did need to go into town, just not for a few days. He could get groceries early, though.  
"Well, o-ok, if you're sure..."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/n- extra warning for this chapter- sexual harassment and the inability to do much but suffer through it. Also, Bucky being kind of a jerk while trying to be distant.   
> Bucky and Reader go to her apartment to see what is salvageable, and have an argument. Previously decided notions are challenged. Mr. Handsy visits Reader at work again.

They rode to the burnt out structure that had been (Y/n)'s apartment building on Bucky's motorcycle, and having to press against his back, her arms around him, made heat pool in her belly, and she hoped that he couldn't feel how hard her nipples had gotten from being pressed against him.  
Bucky followed her up to the remains of her apartment, looking around at all of the damage.  
(Y/n) went into the bedroom and opened her closet, but all of her clothes were covered in black soot or had holes in them. She moved around the place and tried to find anything salvageable, but nothing she saw was.  
Bucky picked up a picture the had been face down. It had a nice frame, though the glass was shattered, but the picture was still intact with (Y/n) and a man in it, standing together somewhere that wasn't readily recognizable.  
"Who's this?" He asked, feeling like he already knew.  
(Y/n) looked over at the frame in his hand and grabbed it, tearing the ruined back from the frame and yanking out the photo inside, tearing it up and throwing it in the garbage across the room in the kitchen.  
Bucky raised a brow as she stared down at it angrily.  
"Ex," she told him.  
"And you still had his picture up?" He asked.  
She shook her head as she walked back into the living room, her eyes on the floor. "He wasn't an ex until last night."  
He didn't comment. Poor guy. From his experience with (Y/n)'s brand of crazy, the guy had probably offered to eat her out or something and she'd gotten pissed.  
"What are you smirking about?" She asked him, turning and going back to the kitchen. "You think me getting dumped is funny?"  
Bucky stuck his hands in his pockets, slowly following her to the kitchen and standing in the doorway. "Just thinking what he could have done to deserve breaking up with, maybe being too nice or something."  
She looked up at him with irritation. "Of course you'd take his side..."  
"So, what did he do? Did he ask you to do something sexual you didn't want to?"  
(Y/n) scoffed. "Yeah, right. What, you think because I said you took his side he had whatever sexual deviations you have? You into weird stuff, Bucky?"  
He just stood there as she looked around, still finding nothing worth taking. "This isn't about me. Was he too nice? Put an arm around you at the movies or something?"  
"No, he didn't. He's an asshole," she said, opening the fridge out of curiosity, but immediately closed it when she smelled that it had been a bad idea.  
"What did he do, then? Seriously-" Bucky had no idea why it was suddenly important that he know.  
"Oh my god, can you just drop it," (Y/n) started speaking at the same time.  
"-did he call you beautiful-"  
"-shut up, Bucky," she said, face flushing reflexively at the thought of someone calling her beautiful.  
"-or maybe, ask you to be exclusive, or propose-"  
"No!" She yelled angrily as she snapped, glaring at the table against the kitchen wall. "That fucking asshole cheated on me!" Bucky was silent, rethinking his earlier suspicions. "Did he ever ask me anything sexual-" she muttered with a dry laugh at the very idea before continuing softly. "You know, I'm the one who said I wanted to try doing it on the kitchen table." Bucky's brow lifted, listening to her speak and taking all the information from it he could so he could try to understand the truth. "He told me I was disgusting. 'I eat my cereal at that table,'" she mimicked. "But I walk in, and where are they doing it? The fucking kitchen table." She kicked the leg of the table to emphasise her point.  
Silence hung around them for a moment.  
"That table?"  
"No, the one at his place. I got back to see the building on fire. Great day, yesterday." (Y/n) turned and went to her bookcase to mourn for a moment.  
Bucky studied her. That would be terrible, and a good reason to break up with someone, but he remembered his interaction with her in high school, and they hadn't even been dating. He decided he would have to do further research. "Why would he do it with someone else if you're the one who suggested it?"  
(Y/n) huffed. "He probably took all of my ideas for sex and claimed them..." She muttered. "Can't you tell, Bucky? You exude sexual confidence, or, at least, desirability. Can't you tell that I'm a bad lay?" She asked spitefully, turning to the middle of the room and pushing the couch back against a wall after studying it for a moment.  
Bucky felt his heart racing a little at her subtle admission that she thought he was sexy, but watched her in confusion. "Says who?"  
"I wonder if they'll let me stay here. I mean, the roof is still intact, and the floor right there is ok..." She was avoiding the question. He was about to push it, but her phone went off in her bag. "Shit," she muttered, pulling out her phone and turning off her alarm.  
"What?" He asked.  
"I have to go to work- I've been wearing these clothes for two days, and the only other thing I have is what I wore at work yesterday... Nothing here is salvageable, and I don't have time to go to my storage unit... Thank you, life, I'm really feeling the love, right now," she said with her head tilted up. "I'm sorry to ask, Bucky, but is there a chance you're going past the Flex-a-lot gym downtown?"  
He shrugged. "Could."  
"Thanks-" She was cut off by her phone ringing, and answered it. "Paige! I'm so glad to hear from you. Yes- for real, I'm standing in the burnt out shell, right now. I know, and I hope you're having fun- yeah. No, I actually have to get to work, get to wear these awesome clothes again-" She laughed, and it lifted Bucky's heart to hear her a little happier. "No, no. I passed out on the couch of a friend of a friend. Yes, that is why- what? No... You're kidding!" Bucky's brow twitched at the range if emotions going across (Y/n)'s face so quickly. "Well that is complete bullshit, I'm sorry. At least he didn't move all his stuff in, yet, huh? Yeah. Ok, try not to worry about it, just enjoy your honeymoon, and if you need help when you get back, you know where- uh, you have my number. 'K, bye." (Y/n) let out a loud groan at the ceiling, and Bucky shifted from his stance and went toward her. "Really feeling the love!" She declared to the ceiling.  
"What happened?"  
(Y/n) looked back to the room and started toward the door with him following. "Apparently, because my friend didn't 'give sufficient notice of vacation' the landlord locked her out of her apartment. She told him like, two months ago! She's only going to be gone for a month. So her mom went over to water the plants and clean a little, and she couldn't get in; the locks were changed. Poor Paige. All her plants are going to die."  
Bucky thought it was sweet that she was worried about her friend and her plants when she was homeless and had no idea what to do. "So you can't stay there because you can't get in," he commented, and she shook her head. "What about her parents?"  
"I don't know them, I couldn't impose on them like that."  
"Don't you have other friends?" He asked.  
She gave him a look over her shoulder and nearly slipped down the stairs, but he caught her. "Yes, I have three friends."  
"Three?" He asked, amused that she knew the exact number off the top of her head.  
"Yes. I'm a social outcast, remember? Don't really hang out with anyone."  
"So, what about your other friends?" He asked, suppressing a chuckle.  
"That was Paige, can't stay there, my friend Dustin's boyfriend just moved into his tiny little studio apartment, and they don't even have room to breathe," she ticked off on her fingers, "and Steve. Who is in transit to wherever he's been sent."  
Bucky opened the door to the outside when they reached it, and she nodded in thanks as he held it for her. "What about your parents?"  
"They live in California, now. Hell of a commute," she joked.  
"Grandparents?"  
"Gone," she answered.  
"Don't you have any other family?"  
"I'm an only child, so was my dad, and my mom's parents and sister's family all live in California."  
Bucky handed her a helmet. "You really are alone out here, huh?"  
She nodded as she took it.  
"You really have nowhere to go."  
She shrugged and climbed onto the bike behind him, flushing as she prepared to wrap her arms around him.

After a twenty minute ride through traffic, Bucky pulled over in front of the gym.  
"Thanks," (Y/n) told him, taking off the helmet and handing it back to him. "Thanks for the couch, everything. See you in another, what, five years?"  
"What?" He asked, startled at her comment.  
"What what?" She asked, looking surprised as he grabbed her arm.  
"What do you mean five years?"  
(Y/n) shrugged and he let go of her arm as she pulled it back to adjust her gym bag. "The ride was the last thing I'll ask of you. Thanks. I'm going to the shelter tonight, so I'm probably not going to see you for another five years. Like, for the high school reunion or something."  
Bucky looked at her in confusion. "Why?"  
"Because it will have been ten years since we graduated-"  
"Why are you going to the shelter?" He asked impatiently.  
"Pretty sure we just discussed how I have no one around here except for three friends, none of which I can stay with."  
"Yeah, but- I mean, I have a place..." Bucky mentioned.  
"You said I couldn't stay with you. So I'm going to the shelter. You don't have to worry about me bugging you."  
"(Y/n), you know- Steve would kill me if I let you go to the shelter."  
She shrugged. "I'm not your problem."  
Bucky stood from his bike. "I can't let you go to the shelter."  
"You're not letting me do anything. I told you, I'm not your problem, don't worry about me. I'll probably find an apartment really fast, I'll probably only be there for like, three days or something."  
Bucky's stern expression was unmoved by her argument. "What time do you get off?" He asked.  
"None of your business," she told him, turning to go inside, but looked back as he caught the strap of her bag.  
"I'll just hang out around here until you get off if you don't tell me."  
(Y/n) huffed. "You wouldn't-"  
He lifted a brow to her. "I've been thinking of getting a gym membership-"  
"Seven," she cut him off.  
"Ok, see you then," he told her, sitting back on his bike and taking off.  
(Y/n) sighed and headed inside. She changed into her workout clothes from the day before, because at least she hadn't slept in them, and went out to the front desk where one of her coworkers was standing.  
"Hey, (Y/n), your five o'clock from yesterday made a complaint."  
Her brow furrowed as she tried to remember who that was, lifting when she did. "That jerk- he spent his whole session trying to grope me-"  
Derek, the manager, stopped at the counter. "Hey, (Y/n), one of your clients complained. Make sure you treat him better; he has an apology appointment later today."  
(Y/n) fumed, but said, "yes, sir."  
She hated that there wasn't much she could do about it. The company didn't really care about touching, saying that they had to take no stance on it to protect the trainers, like her, because they occasionally had to touch clients to correct their form.  
As though there wasn't a difference between adjusting someone's elbows, back, and hips, and groping their ass, waist, and thighs.

(Y/n) worked through her shift, coaching her clients through their workouts, doing parts of them with them. At five, the older man she'd nicknamed Mr. Handsy came in, going to the desk to meet her. She told the guy at the counter that she needed to use the bathroom quickly and to stall for her, but she went in there to compose herself, taking breaths and rubbing water over her face. When she emerged, Mr. Handsy was still waiting. Putting on a professional smile, (Y/n) made her way to him, greeting him and leading him to the weights.  
He was ok for the first little bit, but after a few machines, he laid back on the bench to do some bench presses, and (Y/n) stepped to his head so that she could spot him, incase he failed and dropped the weight. He lifted one, then another one, then put the weight back on it's rack above his head.  
"You still have three more, you can do it," she encouraged, wondering why he had stopped.  
"Come closer," he said.  
"Um, sorry?" She asked, looking down to see how close she already was.  
"Come closer," he said, reaching his arms out above him and grabbing the backs of her thighs.  
"Sir!" (Y/n) tried not to shriek.  
"Get over here and spot me, dammit," he told her, pulling her closer by the thighs until she was nearly standing over him with her knees on either side of his head.  
"Sir, let go, I cannot spot you from here," she told him, flustered, disgusted, and trying to escape his grasp as he groped the backs of her thighs. "Sir!" She tried not to yell as she jerked her legs out of his hands, stepping back. "Please do not do that, I do not appreciate the attention!"  
"Ah, honey, I smelled that sweet little puss of yours, you're wearing the same panties as yesterday, aren't ya?" He asked, sitting up on the bench.  
God damn this place for being assholes that didn't care about their staff being groped!  
(Y/n) looked around to see if there was someone she trusted in the area, and didn't see anyone, but there was a guy that she knew as one of the regulars in the next area, and he always seemed very nice to her, so she suggested that they move over there to continue the workout.  
Mr. Handsy behaved until the other man finished his set, and then he started up again.  
The day before, he had been just brushing against (Y/n), giving fleeting touches, but today, he was outright squeezing and rubbing his hands across her butt, thighs and waist.  
She told him to stop, multiple times, and stood even farther away from him so that he couldn't reach her, but he still managed to get to her.

Finally, at six fifteen, his session was over, and (Y/n) excused herself as quickly as she could, nearly running to the women's locker room where he couldn't go.  
She composed herself again and headed up to the front desk, looking over her list of clients for the next day and making a note to switch one of the trainers if necessary, making sure that Mr. Handsy left before checking the clock.  
It was only six thirty, but she didn't have any other clients, and there were two people covering the front, so she asked Derek if she could go, and he let her clock out.  
(Y/n) grabbed her gym bag, feeling disgusting changing back into her other set of clothes, but not feeling comfortable in her tight, sweaty workout top, despite having lost a lot of weight and looking good in it. She changed quickly and hoped that the shelter had some clothes that she could at least borrow to get these ones washed, glad that she had finished early enough that she would be able to leave before the time she'd told Bucky.  
(Y/n) sighed as she went out onto the sidewalk, looking around in the fading light that was nearly all supplied by lamp posts and shifting her bag as she pulled out her phone to look up the subway map she'd need.  
"Off early, huh?" A deep, velvety voice asked, and she looked up, dread and certainty filling her with who it was, and, sure enough, Bucky was at the curb, leaning against his bike with his arms crossed over his chest, jeans tight around his thighs, leather jacket pulling slightly at his muscles and ballcap seeming to hold his hair back behind his ears.  
Looking delicious.  
(Y/n) fought not to give her thoughts away by biting her lip, and pressed her lips tight together instead.  
"A little," she answered. "My last client was done, and they didn't need me."  
"Sure," he said, straightening and stepping toward her. She saw that he was wearing one glove and raised her eyebrows. "What?" He asked uncomfortably.  
"'What?' What, are you Michael Jackson?" She asked, motioning to his hand. "And why are you wearing a jacket, it's hot. I don't know how you dealt with that long sleeved shirt all morning, either."  
Bucky lifted his own eyebrows at her and stepped closer to her, holding the hand with the glove out and pulling the sleeve away just enough to show the metal of his arm.  
She shook her head with her brow still up to show she didn't understand. "What, does it have its own fan base or something so it has to go out incognito?"  
Bucky looked at her like she was crazy, turning and gesturing to the bike. "What do you want for dinner?" He asked.  
"You're just going to brush over that? I thought it was clever," (Y/n) complained.  
Bucky rolled his eyes. "It makes people nervous. What do you want to eat?"  
(Y/n) stared at him in confusion, still not moving. "Really? Or it makes you nervous? 'Cause you were wearing a long sleeved shirt last night when Steve was there, no shirt this morning when you thought you were alone, and you've had it covered since then."  
Bucky scowled. "Get on the bike before I _put_ you on the bike," he told her, pointing to it.  
(Y/n) shrugged like it didn't matter and got onto the bike. "I mean, you've got a metal arm, it's pretty damn awesome."  
"It's a metal arm, it's weird and makes people uncomfortable," he told her snidely, climbing on as well and handing her the helmet.  
"Are you kidding? It's freaking amazing! Like, it's an arm, made of metal, that moves- the fact that you can control it just as well as your other arm, and I'm assuming the same way; the synapses in your brain- it's a marvel of engineering!"  
Bucky let out a huff of laughter. "Mr. Stark would love to hear you say that- but, don't, it'll just go to his already swollen head."  
"Wow, Stark Enterprises made that for you?" (Y/n) asked, impressed.  
"Did you decide what you wanted to eat?" He asked as he started the motor.  
"Um-"  
"Too late, I get to pick," he told her, making her have to grab around his waist as he suddenly pulled away from the curb.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, Smut in this one- in the form of one of Bucky's podcasts, Bucky gets pissed at learning the truth about Reader's ex, Jason. And, Reader "relieving some stress" to the audio,

Bucky dropped the bag of take out on the counter, looking over at (Y/n) as he took off his glove, stuck it in the jacket pocket and took the jacket off, putting it and his hat on one of the chairs at the table, leaving his arms exposed from where his t-shirt sleeves ended at his biceps down.  
She set her gym bag on the floor next to the chair she pulled out and sat down, her eyes looking up to see his metal arm facing her as he sat next to her.  
Bucky pulled the bag closer and unpacked it, setting the boxes of curry on the table and the foils containing the naan, handing her a plastic fork and taking one for himself.  
(Y/n) took the fork and opened the box, looking at the concoction and scooping a bite. She noticed him using his metal hand to eat, and her brow scrunched in confusion. "Didn't you used to be right handed?" She asked.  
Bucky looked up at her, surprised that she would remember that. "Yeah, but I've been training this one to respond and work just like my right one does."  
"Aw, man, I wish I could be ambidextrous," she said.  
"It is pretty cool," he admitted. Inside he was smiling, glad that she had reacted so favourably to his arm.

When they finished their dinner, (Y/n) stood and threw their things in the trash, then stood awkwardly at the edge of the table for a moment while Bucky waited for her to speak. "Um... I know that I said the ride was the last thing I'd ask for, but..." She chewed her lip while she gathered her wits and he waited. "I would really appreciate a shower, and a chance to wash my clothes... and also... I mean, I'm not sure how comfortable you or I would be... with me sleeping naked on your couch..."  
Bucky had to school his face back to nonchalant as he roughly swallowed at the thought of her sleeping naked on his couch. "Yeah, 'course you can take a shower, as for the naked... I'm sure I could dig something up while you wash your clothes."  
He showed her up to the second floor and to a bedroom at the end of the hall, then the other end where the bathroom was, next to his room.  
"I'll find you something to wear and leave it on the bed with some sheets and stuff," he told her as she went into the bathroom.  
"Thanks," she told him.  
"Yeah, yeah. Steve would kill me if I didn't treat you right, you know," he grumbled.  
She smiled teasingly. "It's nice to know that there is at least one gentleman still around- and that he's making you act like one, too."  
She held back her chuckles with a smile, and Bucky's heart raced with spillover happiness that must have come from her, because her enjoying her own jokes should not affect him.  
(Y/n) showered, thankful that all of her hygiene and shower things were in her bag because she liked to shower in the locker room after work sometimes.  
She dried off and wrapped the towel around herself before peeking around and hurrying to the room down the hall. She closed the door behind her and turned to the bed, seeing a pile of bedding and a bundle of clothes.  
She ran the towel over herself one last time to make sure she was completely dry before taking the bundle of clothes and pulling them apart. She flushed as she realized that they were Bucky's clothes, but then scolded herself; what else did he have to lend her? Except, maybe something an old girlfriend left...  
She swore that thought didn't make her feel jealous...  
She pulled the large shirt on and looked down, seeing it nearly hanging from her shoulder and brushing her thighs. It could nearly be a very short dress. She looked back to the rest of the bundle; a pair of pajama pants and a pair of boxers.  
She flushed at the thought of wearing Bucky's underwear, that had touched him so intimately, so she pulled the pants on, but they were long enough that she'd trip over them, and when she pulled them up, they were bigger than her waist, no matter how tight she pulled the cords.  
(Y/n) sighed as the pants fell to the floor for the fifth time and looked over to the boxers, figuring that they would fall, too, but she really didn't want to leave the room with her most intimate area uncovered, so she had to at least try.  
She glared down at the shorts as she pulled them up her legs, and her glare intensified as she let go and they fit. Or, stayed up, at least.  
She gathered her clothes and towel and headed out of the room and downstairs to find the washing machine.  
Bucky shut the fridge and turned to see (Y/n) peering around the kitchen with her clothes bundled in her hands. "Can I help you?" He asked.  
"Oh, just looking for the washer," she told him.  
He gestured with the bottle of water in his hand and started toward the doorway through to the back wall where a small space was set off, obviously added on after the original build.  
"Thanks," she told him, dumping her stuff into the washer and getting it started filling. As she leaned over to get them all settled so they weren't bunched up on one side, his shirt lifted up her body, showing off his boxers.  
Bucky took a quick breath, trying to get oxygen to his brain as he felt all of his blood rushing lower. His eyes were focused on the back of her thighs, but he looked up as he saw her start to turn. The way his shirt was draped over her body, loose and easily removable, made his blood rush lower faster.  
(Y/n) folded her arms under her chest as though uncomfortable without a bra, and gave him a bit of a smile. "So, what time do you normally go to bed?" She asked.  
"What?" Bucky asked, blinking at her.  
Her smile grew as she held back laughter. "What time do you go to sleep, you know, so that I'm not being loud and annoying, or try to find you for some reason and wake you up."  
"Why would you have to find me?" He asked.  
She shrugged, and the way it made her chest rise and slightly bounce sent his temperature up a couple degrees. "I don't know. Like... maybe if the bathroom runs out of toilet paper, or spiders or something."  
He chuckled. "Well... not really any set time. I do work on my computer through the night sometimes, though."  
Her brow furrowed. "Doesn't that make it hard to keep a schedule for work?" She asked.  
He shook his head. "I work from home."  
"Doing what?" She asked, her interest piquing.  
Bucky shifted uneasily. He couldn't tell her about the podcast he ran, it would probably make her uncomfortable, if not disgusted, so he told her about his "real" job. "Tech support," he answered. "For a phone company."  
"Oh, that's cool. I didn't know you were into stuff like that." (Y/n) was finding herself forgetting that Bucky was the asshole who had been trying to toy with her emotions in high school, so she took a second to remind herself of that.  
"It's a job," he answered.  
The washer stopped filling and clunked as it turned to the wash cycle, and (Y/n)'s eyes snapped to it, startled at having forgotten that she was next to the washing machine. She cleared her throat as her cheeks heated a little in embarrassment. "I- I think I'm going to go put the sheets on the bed and lay down," she said, giving him a smile and walking past him to the stairs, and he followed her.  
She felt a pricking of nervousness at him following right behind her, but tried to remain calm as they climbed the stairs, and he went to his room as she went to hers, scolding herself and putting it down to Mr. Handsy harassing her again that day.

Bucky sat in the chair at his desk, taking a deep drink from the bottle of cool water in his hand as his other hand adjusted himself to be more comfortable in his jeans.  
(Y/n) had looked so fucking sexy in his clothes, his shirt hanging over her like it was waiting for a strong breeze to lift it for him to see everything, and she was wearing his boxers- he twitched at the thought that something that had cupped and held his cock and balls was now pressed against her pussy.  
He opened a fresh document and started typing furiously, wanting to capture these thoughts and feelings for a segment for his podcast.  
When he had finished typing, he went about posting the podcast that he'd finished preparing for release while (Y/n) had been at work.  
After which, he decided to do the research he had been putting off, and opened the social media page for his podcast, quickly posting a message saying that he'd released the newest episode, then, he searched (Y/n)'s profile and got to the relationships section, seeing the name of the man she said cheated on her and clicking to his profile.  
He searched through his history and posts and what he found made his face pinch in a sneer of anger.  
He saw where he had said that he was in a relationship with (Y/n), the picture he'd seen at her apartment, and a few more, and the only woman he spoke of on there was her.  
For four months.  
And then he noticed that pictures of the man and other women started sneaking in, posts about going to a party or event with a woman that wasn't (Y/n) tagged in them, comments on other women's pages, praising them for their beauty, all becoming more and more frequent.  
He clicked on one of the women's page links from a particularly sexually coded comment, and looked through her photos, seeing an album that was labeled with a winky face and had a parental advisory picture as the cover. He clicked on it and the site checked that he was over eighteen before letting him in. There were, not a lot, but quite a few sub albums, and one of them said Jason, the man he was looking into, so he opened that one.  
The cover had been innocent, being a picture of the woman and Jason, but when it opened, it was explicit, and Bucky leaned back in surprise. There were pictures of Jason touching parts of her over, under, and without clothes, though he could only see the back of his head or side of his face, as though she had held up the camera, trying to get the whole picture, and then a series that he had taken of her with her mouth around him, and her on his lap, both nude.  
Bucky had to look away.  
Who in their right mind would post these on the internet, and especially on a social media page that wasn't even set to private, so anyone could see them?!  
A thought struck him; maybe these were old, or were after the two had broken up, so he checked the date on them, keeping it in mind as he went back to Jason's page.  
The pictures were taken after he and (Y/n) had started dating, so he scrolled through, trying to find when his relationship status had changed. He finally found it and rage built inside of him.  
The change notification was on the day before, when (Y/n) had said she'd walked in on him and another woman. Which meant that they had been dating for almost a year, and he'd been cheating on her for at least six months.  
How had (Y/n) not found any of this suspicious? He clicked back through to her profile and looked through her posts.  
Most were from other people, or automatic things from games and companies trying to advertise their products and services, but she hadn't posted for two months, and before that, another month without a post, and another, and they all seemed to be happy birthday or anniversary posts. It was very obvious that she was never on here except to message people about the big events in their lives, and it looked like Jason had taken advantage of that to not worry about hiding his activities well.  
Hatred filled him for this man, and guilt, as he thought about how he'd spoken to (Y/n) earlier, accusing her of being the problem.  
Bucky scrubbed his hands over his face, trying to alleviate the turmoil in his heart.  
He'd asked why her ex would have taken her idea for sex on a table and told her she was disgusting, but done it with another woman on the same table, thinking that it didn't make sense, and she'd told him that she was a bad lay. That asshole had probably told her that to justify his cheating.  
Bastard.  
But shouldn't someone in her life, a past lover, before that asshole, at least said that they enjoyed it with her? It might be affecting her right now because it was so fresh, but, she should at least have something to draw on to let her know that she wasn't. Unless...  
If she had been a virgin, she would have no idea, and that ass had taken her virginity, and then taken advantage of her inexperience to mistreat and hurt her.  
He closed everything and stalked through the house to the punching bag outside, needing to work off the rage boiling in his veins.  
How dare some asshole do that to her?! He hit the bag hard, making it swing far from him before coming back, refusing to admit that his rage was fueled by more than just the disrespectfulness of what Jason had done.  
Like maybe something in the realm of him taking the gift of her, the woman he'd been head over heels for, virginity and treating it like nothing.

A notification pinged on (Y/n)'s phone, and she looked down at it, feeling excitement and anticipation wash over her for the first time in two days.  
A new episode of the podcast she followed had been posted. She bit her lip and looked around to her gym bag, going to it and pulling out her headphones, glad that she had taken them to listen to music while she worked out at the gym before her clients the day before. She plugged in the cord and settled them over her ears before climbing into the bed and getting comfortable on her side, opening the app she used and pulling up the new episode.  
She hesitated, wondering if she should listen to it when she was in Bucky's house, after all, he was just down the hall, and it wasn't her space... it felt a little weird to listen to what she knew would be sexually explicit material there.  
But, she comforted herself, she didn't always touch herself when she listened to them, in fact, she usually didn't, she just laid back and let the fantasy wash over her, enjoying the thought of sex so great it made people feel like that, knowing how blah it was for her.  
There was the occasional time, though, when the podcaster's voice got to her, sounding so dark and velvety and wonderful, and so, so sinfully sexy that when he described the things he wanted to do, or "was" doing, to the listener, liquid heat pooled between her thighs and she had to get release.  
She chewed her lips for a moment before she hit play, putting the app in the background and pulling open a search for places for rent to look through, just to feel a little less like she was just laying in a bed at Bucky's house, listening to porn.  
 _"Hey, babydoll,"_ his low voice greeted. _"I just got done with work. What have you been doing today? ... Mhmm... Wow, sounds like you've had quite the day."_  
Shivers moved through (Y/n)'s stomach as he let out a low chuckle.  
 _"I kinda want- I don't know, I kinda want to just lay here on the couch with you and watch a movie or something. Is that ok?"_ (Y/n) bit her lip, feeling a little silly as she automatically nodded in reply. _"Mmm, babydoll, you're so soft. You feel so good in my arms."_ There were sounds like he was shifting around, tightening his arms around her, and she imagined him behind her, her one arm pressing around her stomach as though it were his. A small smile grew over her lips as she kept looking at apartments.  
 _"You're distracting me from the movie,"_ he chuckled softly. _"Why? Because you smell so good." He chuckled again softly. "You do, baby. I love how you smell, I love burying my nose in your neck like this and just breathing in your scent."_  
(Y/n) felt another shiver run through her stomach, moving a little lower.  
 _"They must put drugs in your shampoo to keep me so addicted,"_ he murmured with a chuckle. He hummed in contentment again and soft kissing noises started in her ears. Goosebumps rose on her neck as she imagined him kissing the back of her neck. _"Mmm, babydoll, I don't think I'm going to be watching much of this movie,"_ his low voice murmured.  
"Why?" She murmured, almost silently.  
 _"Because I'd rather be watching you, your beautiful face, your beautiful body, as I make you feel good."_ She felt her cheeks heat a little as he seemed to answer her. _"Yes, I am pulling your shirt up, don't worry about it, just watch the movie,"_ he told her, and she could hear the smile in his voice. The kissing noises continued for a moment before he spoke again. _"Mmm, let me just get rid of this pesky bra, babydoll. It's in the way... Mmm, I love your breasts, they're so soft, and fill up my hands so perfectly... I love running my thumbs over your nipples, yes, like that, making circles, just rubbing back and forth over them so they pop back up as they get stiff, begging for my attention."_   
(Y/n)'s nipples had definitely gotten stiff, making bumps under her shirt- Bucky's shirt, she remembered. Her hand ran up her stomach, smoothing over one tender nipple as she took the collar of the shirt and pulled it up to smell it. It smelled like him, all spicy plants and something like wood smoke. A breath huffed out between her lips as her hand moved back down, brushing over her nipple. The warmth pooling in her belly was nice, making her think about playing along with this audio.  
 _"Ooh, I love the noises you make when I tug on your sensitive nipples, all those little groans and whimpers..."_  
(Y/n) trapped her hand between her thighs to keep it from playing along, but her fingers started sliding back and forth, teasing that area.  
 _"You ok, babydoll? You're kinda, pressing your thighs together- rubbing them against each other..."_  
(Y/n) bit her bottom lip as her legs were pressing together, her hips slowly rocking a little.  
 _"Let's get these pants off, see if that helps. No, I promise, babydoll, you can just watch the movie, don't mind me... Don't mind me slipping my hand into your panties, rubbing it over your soft outer lips, teasing your slit with my fingers..."_  
Heat had filled (Y/n)'s body, the moisture growing between her thighs.  
 _"I'm sorry, baby, I was wrong; I need to taste your lips, and it's going to be hard to watch the movie like that."_ Kissing noises and light, low moaning filled her ears. _"Mmm, your lips taste so sweet."_  
More kissing noises played in her ears, and (Y/n)'s hips started rocking more, grinding a little against her hand that was still there.  
 _"Mmm, baby, what's wrong? You're kinda grinding against my hand... Oh yeah? I'm glad it feels good. Why don't you go back to watching the movie, let me just do what I'm doing, don't worry about me, or my fingers, starting to push your folds apart, sliding them in and running them over your clit... Oh, that was a sexy moan, babydoll,"_ he groaned low, his voice getting a little growly. _"Yeah, it was. I want to make you do it again. These panties are in my way, though, so I'm getting rid of them... Here, let me just turn you a little, like this, so that you're on your back."_ (Y/n) rolled onto her back, and her legs splayed out a little as kissing noises filled her ears again. _"Just keep watching the movie, baby, I just want to taste your cute little nipples, lick them. Run my tongue over them... Mmm, mhmm, suck on them, let them get so stiff and needy, so I can come back for them with my fingers. Yes, my hand did leave your clit, but just trust me with this, baby."_ Kissing noises echoed in her ears. _"Mhmm, I am kissing down your body."_  
(Y/n) let out a soft moan, her hand sliding up over the fabric of Bucky's boxers where they covered her hot, aching wetness. She really did deserve to feel good after all she'd been through for the past two days. Orgasms were cathartic, it could only help... Her hips arched up to her hand, and she let her hands slide up her body to start rubbing her nipples through Bucky's shirt, her phone and apartment hunting forgotten. _"Mmm, I love it when you shiver like that, when I lick down your body, down your stomach and across your hips..."_  
(Y/n) could feel how warm her face had gotten as she slid her hands under the shirt fabric to touch her nipples directly, starting to tug and rub them as he said he was. _"Don't put your hands down here, take them back out of the way."_ One hand slid down (Y/n)'s body, sliding under the band of the boxers to stroke over her warmth. _"Please don't be shy, baby... Yes, I do want to lick you there, I want to run my tongue down the valley between your breasts, trail it down your beautiful body... I want to kiss around your belly button and let the tip of my tongue dip in, then continue down to your pretty little pussy- I really hope you let me open your thighs and taste it. I want to run my tongue over your clit, make circles around it..."_ Her fingers slipped between her folds and started following his instructions. _"Rub my fingers over your tight little hole, push one in, slowly in and out..."_ (Y/n) gasped as her fingers slid a little lower to push in. _"Ooooh, yeah, doll, I'm going to lick that delicious clit and thrust my fingers in you, hit that g-spot and make you scream my name- Can you say it? Can you say my name for me?"_  
She held back, not wanting to be too loud with Bucky in the house, just down the hall.  
 _"... Good girl, say it again..."_ She began panting, feeling herself get closer. _"Ooooh, yeah, doll- oh, babydoll..." His sexy low voice panted with her for a moment. "Fuck, you're so sexy baby, let me get back to this..."_ He let out little moans and they hit her right where he was supposedly stroking with his fingers, making her moan a little louder before she remembered to stay quiet.  
 _"Mmm, yeah, come for me, babydoll, squeeze my fingers with that beautiful little pussy. Ooh, god, your moans are so sexy. Baby, I can't wait anymore, let me get these damn pants off-"_ there was shuffling as it sounded like he tugged his pants off. Then he groaned, and it was so sinful her hand paused in its motions to listen. _"Oooooh, babydoll... God I love pushing inside of you, you're so wet and tight, so fucking good..."_ He panted softly. _"Babydoll- babydoll, you feel so good around me..."_ He sighed and panted against her ear. _"Ooh, god, it's amazing, every time-"_ He chuckled softly, and the noises made tingles spread through her belly. _"You're so sexy when I'm sliding in and out of you, your moans and sighs- yeah... I love it when you moan my name like that,"_ he said, and the slight begging, vulnerable tone struck right where her desire was, making her clench around her fingers. She could hear the slight squishy slap of lube as he was stroking himself quietly in the background of his moaning, and felt her nipples tingle more, her other hand trying to fulfill their needs by pinching and tugging, rolling and rubbing as she got closer and closer to orgasm. _"I-I, oh," he stuttered as he groaned. "I have to smell you again, doll, that scent that's only you under me, so close to coming, sweating against me with the sweet smell of sex..."_  
(Y/n) lifted her chin making space by her throat, imagining a hot, muscular body above her, his heat warming her, and she bit her lip to keep herself as quiet as possible, the image of Bucky being shirtless over her teasing her mind. He groaned loudly, then a stuttered moan left him on each stroke. _"Ah- ah- ah- ah, doll, God, you feel so good- I'm not going to last much longer- oh, baby- babydoll-"_ (Y/n)'s fingers moved faster, rubbing over her clit as she tried to push herself over the edge with him. His ragged breath huffed through her headphones spurring her on as he obviously got closer. _"Doll, you're so- beautiful, when you're under me- like this- ah-"_  
(Y/n) panted heavily, her lips parting as she gasped for air, right on the edge of ecstasy. Her eyes slammed closed as her body arched up, her fingers giving a few faster movements, and she fell over the edge, softly moaning, "B-Bucky!"  
 _"Oh- bab- oh, fuck, dollmfm!"_ He must have bit his lip as the rest of whatever he had been about to say was muffled.  
(Y/n)'s eyes snapped open as realization hit, still panting along with the podcaster as they caught their breaths. Had she really just moaned Bucky's name, wearing nothing but his clothes, in a bed at his house?  
 _"Mmm, I think I liked that more than I would have liked the movie, but,"_ he chuckled breathlessly, _"you are my favorite thing to watch."_  
(Y/n) blushed, biting her lip as the audio ended, realizing that she had just made Bucky's boxers all wet with her desire- as she thought about him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Discrimination, perhaps? Bucky has nightmares and he and Steve argue with Reader.

Bucky woke up, stifling the noises that came with waking up from his nightmares. He looked at his bedside clock, seeing that it was early enough that was just very early, and got up.  
He had actually gotten four hours of sleep, which seemed like being spoiled after the one or two he'd get at a time, and the four all day they made. He must have really worn himself out with nearly destroying the punching bag instead of going to find that asshole, Jason.  
He showered and headed down to the kitchen to see (Y/n) standing at the counter, stirring something thick in a bowl with a fork, and still wearing his clothes.  
He suppressed the thoughts that were tempting his mind to turn to things that were better left as fantasies for his podcast.  
(Y/n) looked up to see Bucky come into the kitchen and go to the coffee maker, her eyes glued to his chest and shoulders for a moment until she caught herself and looked away.  
Their eyes found each other's as he filled the pot with water to pour into the machine, and he could see a light blush on her cheeks.  
"Mm, g-getting up for work?" She asked to focus attention on something.  
"No," he answered.  
"Oh," she commented.  
"You?" He asked.  
"Not til eleven... I fell asleep a-and forgot to change my stuff to the dryer last night," she said, and he saw the blush get a little darker.  
"Are you normally awake this early?" He asked to continue the conversation, trying to help her relax.  
"Insomnia," she offered as explanation. "Figured I'd make some breakfast while I was up, as a thank you... for letting me stay here last night."  
Bucky wondered why her cheeks were so pink, and why they kept getting darker and darker.  
"Hey, Bucky," she hesitated as his name left her lips, remembering it passing them as she orgasmed the night before.  
She tried to shake it off and looked up, seeing that he had leaned on the counter on his folded arms, his body pressing toward her and his eyes focused on her as his muscles stretched his t-shirt tight across his chest.  
He lifted a brow to her in question, but it just made her heart race faster in her chest. "Yeah, doll?"  
She felt her cheeks heat more, and absently wondered how that was possible.  
The pet name and deep voice were the main reasons she had become such a big fan of the podcast she listened to; they reminded her of him.  
"Why's your face so red?" He asked at her silence.  
"H-how do you have this great kitchen and not have a whisk?" She blurted out her question to change the subject.  
He straightened and made his way around the island counter, right in front of her, barely six inches away, and reached down to a panel that was half in front of her, making her have to step back as he opened it and revealed a dishwasher, with a whisk in the top rack. "Didn't look hard enough."  
Her eyes hadn't left him, desire and need rushing through her. She blinked and took a deep breath, blushing harder, turning back to the counter and furiously stirring the pancake batter in the bowl.  
Bucky studied her, stepping back after a moment and returning to the other side of the counter.  
(Y/n) turned to the fridge and opened it, looking over everything inside. "Are you saving these apples for anything?" She asked.  
"Not particularly," he told her, and watched as she leaned forward to grab them, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth as his shirt hung forward, giving him just a glance at the bottom edges of her breasts, and his boxers rode up the backs of her thighs, showing the crease where her ass began. He quickly looked down at the counter as she stood back and turned, putting the apples on the counter.  
"Do you have brown sugar, and or, white sugar?" She asked as she turned on the stove to let the pan start heating up.  
Bucky pointed at a top cupboard, "there."  
(Y/n) turned and opened the door he pointed at, reaching up to get the items, and he couldn't help but notice that her nipples had hardened beneath the fabric of his shirt as she moved and had to hold back a moan at the sexiness of her tight nipples pushing against his shirt, seemingly begging him to come give them the attention they deserved.  
(Y/n) pulled a knife out of the knife bock and turned back to the counter, starting to peel and slice the apples.  
Bucky stood and went behind the island counter, pulling a mug out of a cupboard and filling it with coffee. "I'm going up to my room until breakfast," he told her as he walked out.  
(Y/n) tossed some butter in the warm pan to melt and turned on the other burner, putting a pan on it to heat up before turning to the first and making the butter melt faster, then scooping all of the apples into it and tossing them around.  
She wondered as she cooked, flipping pancakes and mixing the sugars into the apples for a nice syrupy texture, if her being so awkwardly attracted to him just standing there had made him uncomfortable enough to leave.

Bucky was doing a rewrite to his segment story, when a knock sounded on the door. He'd originally written it as just comfort, but, now, after finding out just how terrible (Y/n)'s ex had been, he had more to put in it.  
"Yeah?" He called.  
"Breakfast is ready."  
(Y/n)'s voice was gentle on the other side of the door, making an ache burn at his heart, though he wasn't sure, or willing to admit, what it was for.  
He opened the door and walked down after her, noticing that she had changed into her own clothes, seeing a few plates on the table, one containing the pancakes, one with bacon and sausage, one with cheesy eggs, one for each of them to put food on, and a bowl with something caramel colored and lumpy.  
"I- um, I wasn't sure what you'd like to eat..." She told him, sitting down.  
He sat and pulled some of everything except the lumpy stuff on his plate. "What's this?" He asked, gesturing to the bowl.  
"It's caramelized apple cinnamon sauce, for the pancakes," she told him.  
He dipped his fork into it and found a slice of apple, pulling it out and tasting it. It almost tasted like apple pie filling, and he decided he liked it, so he scooped some on his pancakes.  
He looked up at (Y/n)'s plate and saw that she only took one pancake, with a little sauce, mostly apples, and took only small portions of bacon, sausage and eggs. He watched her eat for a minute as he ate his own large plateful. "You can eat more, I'm not charging you, or anything," he told her.  
She looked up at him with a small smile. "How do you think I lost all this weight," She said.  
He raised a brow. "Why did you lose it?" He countered.  
"Because I was a fat heap," she told him as she stared at the food, and he could hear her trying to detach herself from the painful emotions attached to the words.  
A sour look grew across his face at her words; he'd loved the way she looked, but he let it fall. "How did you lose the weight?"  
"I changed what I ate, and- remember when Steve was training for the entrance exams for the army?"  
He nodded.  
"Well, I trained with him, every day that summer, and until his next birthday when he could apply, so, basically a year of getting ready for army physicals. Which, it looks like you know something about." She flushed a little, focusing on her plate.  
Bucky quirked a brow and looked down at his own plate. "Steve told you I was in the army, too?"  
"Yeah. He said that you helped him get through basic without dying," she smiled laughingly. "But, I was more referring to those muscles you call a body."  
Her flush darkened, and Bucky let the fact that she was admiring him wash over him for a moment, swearing up and down that It didn't feel sweet.  
It was silent except for the sounds of eating, until Bucky spoke again. "This is really good."  
"Thanks," she said softly. More quiet settled around them. "When do you work?" She asked.  
Bucky looked up. "Why?"  
"Just so I don't disturb you, like if you were working in the morning during breakfast, I wouldn't want to have come and knocked on your door to get you while you were working," she told him.  
"In the afternoon," he answered.  
She had finished, and pulled out her phone, blushing as she saw the podcast app still open, and hurriedly tapped the button to close it, then opened the search she'd started last night.  
Bucky watched her as she looked through her phone, thinking that it reminded him of how she'd looked at lunch in high school.  
As soon as Bucky finished and moved to get up, (Y/n) stood faster, gathering the dishes and taking them all over to the counter, putting the empty ones in the sink and the full ones aside and started looking for containers to put the food away in.  
Bucky pulled some out and started to work on it, but she brushed him away.  
"I've got this, you go do whatever you need to."  
Bucky leaned back against the counter and stuffed his hands in his pockets.  
"Really," she insisted. "I've got this."  
"This is what I have to do," he teased as he watched her finish putting things in the fridge and start rinsing off dishes and putting them in the dishwasher.  
"Oh... Um, I-" She felt her cheeks heating as she thought about what she had done last night, in his clothes. "I want to thank you for letting me borrow your clothes... I washed them, but I wasn't sure what you wanted me to do with them-"  
"Keep them, you're going to want to sleep tonight, aren't you?" He teased again, surprised at how easy he found it to start teasing her, almost like he had back in school, before the army. She looked so cute with her warm cheeks, and the desire to kiss them grew in him, seeming like an old friend he hadn't seen in a while.  
"I don't want to inconvenience you," she told him. "It's enough of one that Steve forced you to let me stay here."  
Bucky felt his neck heat with a blush. Ok, so maybe he wanted her to see her wearing his clothes again, but it was still practical.  
"I can get some stuff from my storage unit."  
"It's fine," was all he said.  
(Y/n) looked at her phone, doing some calculations in her head. "Mmm, ok. So, I have to leave for work soon... is there anything you want me to do before I go?"  
He looked at her in confusion. "Like what?"  
"I don't know, like clean the room I was in before I go so it doesn't get all smelly from disuse..."  
"Disuse-? You're not still thinking you're going to sneak out to the shelter, are you?" He asked, folding his arms over his chest and making his muscles bulge in his flesh arm, and the metal shift in his prosthetic.  
"I- look, Bucky, I know that you don't want me here. It's very nice of you to have let me stay here this long, and I don't want to be a burden to you. I know that you've always hated me."  
Bucky's brow pinched in confusion. "I haven't always hated you," he told her, and she looked back at him in confusion. "Look, I'm telling you, Steve would kick my ass if he found out I let you stay in a shelter, and trust me; he's a lot more trouble than you when he's mad."  
"But- I'll be fine, really-"  
"(Y/n)," he interrupted, and him saying her name made (Y/n) nearly moan.  
She had spent too long last night imagining that podcaster as Bucky, and him doing the things to her that the podcaster was saying, and she was paying for it now.  
"You are staying here tonight, unless you miraculously manage to get an apartment that will let you move in today."  
She was about to reply, when her phone went off. She pulled it out and smiled, but her expression turned sheepish. "Hi, Steve," she answered it.  
 _"Hey, (Y/n), sorry I didn't call yesterday, it took longer than I thought to get here, and I didn't want to wake you at one this morning when I got here,"_ he laughed.  
"It's ok. Are you getting settled in well?" She asked, glancing up and noticing that Bucky was watching her as she talked on the phone.  
 _"Yep, just fine, everything is going good here. What about there, is Bucky treating you well?" _  
"Y-yeah, he's being very nice," she answered, leaning away a little as Bucky walked closer to her, figuring that he was trying to get into something that she was in front of.  
 _"Good, I'm glad-"_  
Steve was cut off as Bucky leaned closer to her phone and said, "she's trying to run away to the shelter."  
(Y/n)'s head jerked so she was looking up at him, her eyes wide.  
 _"What did he say?"_ Steve asked in her ear.  
"Nothing-"  
"She's trying to take off on me," Bucky called louder as she backed away from him.  
 _"(Y/n), are trying to go run off somewhere?"_ Steve asked in his stern, "father voice".  
"N-"  
"Yes," Bucky said loudly so Steve could hear, only having to make partial guesses as to what Steve was asking, as he could almost hear him through the speaker.  
 _"(Y/n), don't run off, Buck has lots of space. If you get sick of looking at him, just go outside, he seriously has two fields back there to run around in,"_ he told her.  
"I'm-"  
 _"No going to the shelter, you'll make me feel bad, I can't help you because I'm not there, and Buck is doing this as a favor to me,"_ Steve pushed, his voice now softer.  
(Y/n) sighed and her shoulders slumped in defeat. "Ok. I'll stay."  
 _"Good."_  
"And no more trying to run off," they both said at the same time, making her laugh.  
"It's easy to tell that you guys are best friends."  
Steve laughed, and it trailed off to a chuckle. _"Ok, (Y/n), I have to go. Remember, I will come back there so fast if I hear you're leaving without somewhere to go,"___ Steve told her.  
"Ok. Bye Steve." They hung up, and (Y/n) looked at the time on her phone. "I gotta go," she told Bucky, who was still very close to her.  
"I thought you didn't have to work until eleven," he said, studying her face.  
"Yeah," she agreed, "but I still have to get there."  
"It takes half an hour, maybe forty minutes with heavy traffic, to get there from here," he told her.  
"If you have a car, maybe," she told him. "If you have to hoof it to the bus stop to catch a train, it takes longer, and you don't get to decide when they leave, you just have to catch them while they're there."  
"And, why would you have to catch the train if I'm going to take you on my bike?" (Y/n) flushed and her face showed how flustered she was. Bucky had to resist the urge to lean forward and kiss her.  
"I- I didn't- Why would you do that?" Bucky raised a brow to her, but stayed silent. "I- I wasn't going to ask you..."  
He just stared at her, watching her get more and more flustered, suppressing the thought that it was cute.  
"I- I'm going to-" (Y/n) felt her breath getting a little heavy in her chest from the way he was looking at her. "I'll be in- upstairs until then, then," she said, hurrying to the stairs.  
Bucky watched her flee with a certain amount of pleasure, and made his way back upstairs to his room to story plan some more for his next podcast.  
(Y/n) spent the time looking for apartments, and found a couple, actually getting a walkthrough at one for the next day, and feeling excited.  
She went downstairs to the front room to wait for Bucky, and when he came in, she smiled up at him. "I will be out of your hair soon," she told him.  
He lifted an eyebrow to her.  
"I have a walkthrough tomorrow, at an apartment downtown."  
"Congratulations," he said, and they left, climbing onto his bike, (Y/n) putting on the helmet and wrapping her arms around him.

___"Seven, right?" He asked when she climbed off of the back of the bike and handed him the helmet._  
"Yeah," she told him and went into the building as he drove off.  
Lance was standing at the counter, discreetly looking at his phone, and looked up to greet her as she walked past.  
"Did your boyfriend get a motorcycle?" He asked when she had changed and made it back to the desk.  
"No-" she looked at him in confusion for a second until she remembered that it had only been two days since everything had happened. "I broke up with my boyfriend, two days ago."  
"And you already found another one?" He asked in surprise.  
"No-" she started laughing. "It is a long story."  
She proceeded to tell him about everything that had happened and about how she was staying with a friend of a friend until she found a place.  
"Wow, that sounds like a shitty day."  
"Yeah," she agreed. 

___Work continued as normal, and Lance left halfway through her shift, and was replaced by Antony, shortly after which, Derek called her into his office as she was finishing with a client._  
"Sure, be right there," she told him, finishing up her talk with the young woman and telling she'd see her the next week for her appointment.  
She went in and sat down on the chair across from his desk, looking up at him, waiting for what he had to say.  
"(Y/n), you've worked here for a while, now."  
She nodded, hoping that she was getting a raise, or a promotion, maybe.  
"And you've been a really great trainer for all that time."  
Excitement started to grow in her belly.  
"So it really confuses me that you keep getting customer complaints," he told her.  
"Wa- what?" She asked in surprise.  
"The customer from yesterday, the one that we had to give the apology appointment to," he paused for her to nod to show that she knew who he was talking about, "he complained again."  
"What?!" She cried. "He- he was sexually harassing me the whole time, both days! He kept grabbing me inappropriately! He nearly had me sitting on his face when he pulled me up to him!"  
Derek paused, seeming to struggle with that for a moment, but ended at the point of a shrug. "Did anyone see that happen?"  
(Y/n) flushed with anger, knowing damn well that the pervert had made sure that no one had. "No..."  
"Then it's just your word against his. He would, of course, say that he didn't. He did complain about you the day before, and it could seem like you were just saying this just to try to keep yourself from getting into trouble, though."  
"But-" Her eyes widened. Was he really saying what she thought he was?  
"I'm sorry. You've had multiple complaints. The company hasn't heard any reports from you about any harassment. I'm afraid that it would seem like retaliation."  
(Y/n)'s jaw fell open. "I'll file one, I have twenty-four hours to file, don't I?"  
"But, after you've already been fired it nullifies that procedure."  
"But," (Y/n) started with a shake of her head before her eyes shot to him. "-fired?! Wait- No!" (Y/n) leapt from her chair, her hands hitting the edge of his desk. "You can't! Please- you can't!"  
"(Y/n), just calm down a bit," he started.  
"I- I can't! My fucking apartment burned down!"  
He paused. "I'm sorry, we don't take personal situations into account-"  
"Oh my god, please, Derek! It's a bunch of bullshit, and you know it! You know I'm great at this- it's the only thing I'm good at!"  
"You're hysterical, (Y/n), maybe you should-"  
"I can't! Please! Please!" Tears were starting to fall from her eyes.  
"Sarah is waiting for you outside to walk you to your locker. Clean it out, and then she will escort you out." 

___(Y/n) wiped her eyes, trying to look presentable as she walked out. It was embarrassing enough to be escorted out like a criminal._  
(Y/n) stood next to the door for a moment before turning and drifting down the sidewalk, knowing that she couldn't just stand there for long without someone calling the cops.  
Luckily, there was a bench outside of a store two doors down. She sat on it and tried to keep it together.  
She had no job.  
She had no home.  
She had no plan.  
Bucky slowed as he neared the gym to pick up (Y/n), but pulled over quickly when he saw her sitting on a bench a couple of doors down. He waited a moment, but then turned off the bike and climbed from it when she don't make any move toward him.  
"Hey," he said, startling (Y/n) from her reverie.  
She stood and walked toward him, seeming a little distant. "Hi."  
He didn't say anything, since she followed him and compliently got on the bike behind him and put the helmet on. She held tight to him, and Bucky felt his blood heating up. 

___When they got back to his house, they climbed off, and he went in through the front door, her following._  
"Look, I've been thinking, and if it'll make you feel better, you can pay rent or something," Bucky told her as he pulled his coat off. "Not much for just a room, though."  
(Y/n) looked up at him, the tears in her eyes starting to press at her again.  
Great, so now she had to pay rent- while trying to find a new place to live, and a new job, and no way to make money in the meantime! "I-" He turned to look at her. "I- I h-hate men!" She cried at the ground as she threw the door shut, squeezing her eyes closed to keep the tears in.  
Bucky was startled, turning fully to look at her, then cautiously approached her. "Why?" He asked.  
"A-" her breath was a little fast as she tried not to cry. "A client, this old man- yesterday, no, the day before, he had an appointment, and all through it, he kept touching me- running his hands across my butt and stuff..." Bucky's hands clenched. "And then, he complained about me, so they gave him-" (Y/n) had to stop to take a few breaths and compose herself. "They gave him- they call it an apology appointment, like, sorry your training didn't meet your expectations, let us try again, so yesterday he had an apology appointment, and he came in for it, and when we were in an area by ourselves- he grabbed me!"  
Bucky's jaw clenched and anger starting heating him up inside. "He grabbed you?"  
"He was doing bench presses, and he grabbed the back of my thighs and- it was so embarrassing; his head was nearly between my thighs!" The tears burst through her lids. "And I told him to stop! That I wasn't interested- but he didn't! I made it through- and," she had to stop talking for a moment as sobs burst through her lips, and Bucky waited for her to speak at her own pace, his jaw working in anger. "And- he kept grabbing me- and he made another complaint against me! After working there for a few years with no complaints... You'd think that they'd overlook one guy obviously trying to cause me trouble! But they took his word over mine! When I said what had happened, the manager said that he didn't have any report of it, but- I just wanted to get the hell out of there after it happened! I had twenty-four hours to file a report, and I said I'd do it right then, but because I knew about the disciplinary action- he said it just looked like retaliation! That they wouldn't believe me!"  
"Disciplinary action?" Bucky questioned, his eyes narrowing.  
"I- I was fired!" She fell into a pile of sobs, and he caught her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and holding her to him.  
He stood a little uncomfortably, not quite sure how far he wanted to take this, or how far she'd accept him taking it, but desperately wanting to comfort her.  
"What am I going to do?" She wailed, and his arms tightened around her. Her hands fisted in the hem of his shirt. "I don't know how to do anything else!"  
Her obvious pain made his decision for him, and he tightened one arm around her shoulders, the other lowering to catch her under her knees, picking her up bridal style and waiting a moment for her to protest, but she didn't, so he carried her upstairs to her room, laying her on the bed and climbing on with her, pulling her so close she was partially on top of him as she burrowed against his chest, still sobbing. His metal arm was under her, wrapped around her and stroking her hair, his flesh hand wrapped around her to rub her back.  
He kicked his shoes off and encouraged her to do the same, then kicked them off of the bed with dull, bouncing thuds, just holding her close and stroking her.  
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I wish you didn't have to go through that. If I had been there-" He cut himself off, thinking that he may have had to explain to the police why he had "accidentally" nearly, or not so nearly, mortally wounded some old man at the gym. "Shh. Just rest, (Y/n)," he whispered.  
After a while of stroking her hair and back, he checked her and found that she had fallen asleep on him.  
The fingers of his flesh hand brushed against her cheek, sweeping the hair stuck there away.  
He hated that she had been hurt so badly, that everything in her life had fallen apart in a matter of three days, and he hated that she hated him so much she couldn't stand to be in the same house with him unless she was distracted by crying herself to sleep. If she didn't hate him so much, laying here with her against his chest wouldn't seem so inappropriate, because it really just felt so... right.  
Bucky looked down at her, his fingers brushing over her cheek, then her forehead and down her cheek and along her chin, his thumb running over her bottom lip. He closed his eyes and held her closer, burying his nose in her hair, pretending for a moment that this was ok, that it was normal and accepted instead of something that she would probably object to if she wasn't so upset she'd cried until she passed out again. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/n- PTSD anxiety issues. Mentions of death and suicide. Seriously, if you're having those thoughts, please get help. As much as it hurts to hear it (at least, it hurts me when I'm that low and I hear it), there are people who love you. (To talk to someone 1-800-273-8255 )

(Y/n) woke up on something warm, solid, and moving, and looked up to see Bucky's face aimed down at her, and realized that the movement was his breath moving his chest up and down.

She blinked and tried to pull back, but his arms tightened around her, holding her closer, and she wasn't getting anywhere with his metal arm around her. (Y/n) laid back against him, and nuzzled her cheek back against his chest. She closed her eyes and pretended for a moment that it was because he cared for her, but then reminded herself that she was treading dangerous ground, she'd already had an insane reaction the last morning, after thinking about him the night before, and that was without actually seeing, or touching, him.

 

For the first time in what felt like years, Bucky slept through the night without any nightmares.

When he woke up, he expected it to be yelling, and after only forty-five minutes or so of sleep, but when he awoke, it was peacefully, the next morning.

He felt a slight tickling on his abs, and looked down to see (Y/n) brushing the tips of her fingers against there. "Good morning," he murmured. The vibrations from his voice rumbled through her from his chest, and she hummed in reply. "Are you ok?"

She shook her head against him. "It's been a bad few days..."

"Yeah," he said softly. "Do you want breakfast?" He asked after a moment, not wanting her to feel like she had to stay there against him if she didn't want to.

She shook her head again, softly asking, "Is it ok... if you don't mind... can we stay like this, for just a little bit longer?"

Bucky pulled her closer against him, tucking her head under his chin and starting to run his hands over her hair and back again. "'Course, doll."

(Y/n)'s heart raced in her chest, and she wondered if he felt it.

.

That day was a bit strained and solemn, as both thought the other would be wanting to pretend whatever closeness had happened last night hadn't.

(Y/n) excused herself to go up to her room and plug in her phone while she started looking for job postings.

There were not a lot of positions available for physical trainers, so she tried looking at other entry level jobs, most of which were in either food service or retail, for which she'd have to be able to use a register, but she didn't have that skill.

After a while, Bucky knocked on the door, and she answered it, looking up at him and forcing her blush back.

"I thought you would want to go to your storage unit and grab a few things, or shop for some new clothes," he told her.

Her eyes widened and she looked down at her clothes, realizing that she was on day two in them, again. She'd just pulled her shirt on over her work out top so that she felt more comfortable standing on the street, so she didn't even have that to change into. And she'd slept in it.

"Y-yeah, the storage unit- I have some old clothes there that might still fit me..."

They traveled to the gates of the facility, and (Y/n) could feel that nervousness had creeped into Bucky's posture as his shoulders stiffened and he constantly glanced around.

She instinctively touched his arm, giving him a reassuring smile, and lead him to her unit by the arm, draping hers through it like he was escorting her.

Bucky felt a little calmer, and he thought it was strange.

She opened the door, sticking her lock on the open spot and headed in, finding a box that said clothes and tearing it open.

"I'm going to change, um, will you turn around?" She asked, taking a shirt and pair of pants and stepping behind a stack of stuff.

Bucky silently turned around while she changed, feeling the anxiety of being out in the open, fenced in, guarding something-

There was a noise as another patron walked down the paved road, scuffing his shoe and sending a few pebbles down the road in front if him.

Bucky jumped, jerking and turning toward the noise, ready to attack and defend, giving a grunt as he forced his muscles to move suddenly with no sort of warm up.

(Y/n) stepped out from behind the stack of a table and a few boxes in just her underwear and a shirt, having not quite figured out how to keep her fat-pants up, yet, and saw Bucky, fists raised, ready to fight, startled, and full of anxiety.

"Bucky," she called softly.

He turned and looked at her, taking in her appearance as his hands lowered.

"Bucky," she softly called again.

Bucky's brow pinched as he looked at her, drawing his eyes away from where he could see her panties peeking out from under her baggy shirt.

"Bucky," she called gently.

"Yeah- what?" He snapped in irritation that she kept repeating his name.

"Just wanted to make sure you were with me," she told him. "You ok?"

"Fine," he snapped.

(Y/n) quickly found an old belt and pulled the now very baggy pants on, tightening the belt, and then managing to make a knot with Bucky's help, since it didn't have holes to make it small enough, then stuffed as much as she could into her gym bag, which was all but half a box out of the two boxes of her clothes.

She locked up and they headed to the store, (Y/n) making sure that she stayed within eyesight of Bucky at all times as she grabbed a couple of bras and some underwear. After paying for her things, they headed back to the house.

(Y/n) didn't mention the incident at all, which Bucky was grateful for, but he wondered if it was because she hadn't really noticed, or if it was because she didn't know what it meant.

(Y/n) offered to make lunch, and he accepted, figuring that it was her way of thanking him for whatever she perceived to be her being a burden.

.

In the afternoon, he went to work at his computer upstairs, and she sat in the front room with the tv on as she looked for more job postings and did laundry to wash the dust and other staleness from the clothes they'd gotten from her storage unit.

She gave up on her job search to take a break after four hours with no results, and after another hour and a half of watching a movie, she turned the tv off and went out through the back door in the kitchen, seeing a couple of cats sunning themselves on Bucky's large porch.

She smiled and sat next to them, reaching out and waiting for them to be comfortable enough with her presence to let her pet them. She stroked through their fur, one a calico that looked like a patchwork of long, different colored fur, and the other an orange, shorthair tabby. She petted them for a few minutes before looking up and around through the fields, surprised at how isolated from the nearby bustle of the city it was.

The large tree with the punching bag caught her eye, and she stood, making her way over to it, pushing it to feel how heavy it was. She was pretty strong, but she couldn't make it move more very far by just pushing, and that made her think about how far it had been knocked when Bucky hit it, which made her realize with a flush that he must be very strong.

She stretched out a little, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she stretched her arms and shook her hands out, then stood, widening her stance, and punched the bag, but it barely moved. She winced at the sting in her hand, and shook it, falling back into her stance.

She'd never used a punching bag before, since the gym she'd worked at didn't have one, but she thought she was doing ok.

Until a voice called to her across the yard, "Your stance is too narrow."

She turned to see Bucky leaning against the doorway, his arms folded as he watched her. She put her hands apart as she looked down at her feet, looking up as she heard him straighten from the door frame.

"And you need to wrap your hands," he told her, grabbing a roll of tape from a table between two chairs on the porch as he made his way to her.

She held out her hands as he gestured for them, and watched him wrap them. "You didn't have your hands wrapped," she commented.

He raised a brow. "I only have to wrap one," he told her, showing her his metal hand. "This one isn't really in danger of spraining."

She smiled at his comment, still watching him so that she could try to learn how to do it.

"Ok," he told her when he'd finished. "Get into position."

She did, and felt his hands touching her as he fixed her posture, and his knee between hers as he tapped her feet farther apart.

"Feet shoulder width apart," he told her. He stepped to her side and positioned her wrists and elbows. "Now, snap forward, ending your punch at the bag."

(Y/n) did as he said a few times, and he watched her.

"Better. Now you just need practice," he told her.

She smiled at him in the golden glow of the setting sun as it descended through the sky. "Thanks."

She looked so genuine as she smiled up at him, so pretty and-

Wow, he really needed to stop thinking about this, because he was finding himself really wanting to kiss her. "Yeah," he responded.

.

As the sun set low enough that they were going to have to turn the porch light on to see, (Y/n) waved at Bucky to stay there with the punching bag.

"I'll get it. I'm going to go start cooking dinner, anyway, with my sore wrists," she laughed.

Bucky hesitated to say anything, two very different responses fighting on his tongue to be spoken.

One was to tell her that she didn't need to do that, and the other-

The other an acceptance that made that strange ache grow in his chest again.

He ended up just standing there for a few moments, staring at her through the doors as she looked around for the things she needed to make whatever it was she was going for, until he shook himself from it and turned, quickly taping his flesh hand and going to hit the punching bag.

He had worked up a sweat despite the cool air by the time she came and called to him from the porch. He went in, pulling off his shirt and wiping it over his sweaty body to get most of it off.

He noticed that (Y/n) was staring at him, her lips pressed into a thin line, and she blushed and looked away when she saw that he'd noticed.

Bucky smirked and tossed his shirt through the doorway to where the washing machine was, pulled off his tape, and sat at the table, shirtless.

(Y/n) didn't comment, but he noticed her trying not to stare through the whole meal. His worry about how how his body looked deformed with the scars cutting through the skin around his prosthetic arm resurfaced, but he tried to shake it off.

"This is delicious," he told her.

She smiled as she looked up. "Thanks... but you really seem to be impressed by the simplest dishes."

He could tell by the tone in her voice and the tilt if her smile that she was teasing him, and it pushed him a little more. "Aw! How rude, and after I gave you training on punching."

She bit the inside of her lower lip, her smile falling.

"I'm joking," he said reassuringly.

"I know," she told him. "It's just that... this really is all basic stuff," she gestured to the plate containing the last of her chicken and veggies. "I didn't do anything except put it in a pan with seasoning and turn it after a while. I'm sure you've had better."

He was silent for a second before he told her, "it doesn't matter what I've had, or if it's better or worse. This is still delicious."

She looked down at the table, but he could see a small, tender looking smile tug at her lips. "Thanks," she said quietly.

When they had finished dinner, he waved her away from the dishes. "Go take the first shower, I'm going to take all of the hot water when I get in."

(Y/n) did, quickly washing herself and heading back to her room and looking at the pile of his clothes that he'd given her the first night she'd slept in this room, biting her lip and looking at the pile of clothes that needed to be folded.

She was sure that there were pajamas in there, but she would be lying if she said she wouldn't rather wear Bucky's clothes. She pulled them on, figuring that he wouldn't see her in them, anyway. She laid on the bed and tried to fall asleep, but sleep wouldn't come.

.

After two hours of trying almost all of the tricks she had up her sleeve, she still wasn't asleep, and only had a couple of things left to try. She decided to try a warm drink before she tried the masturbation, just because she didn't want to be sitting in Bucky's kitchen, covered in her naughty thoughts about him.

She was sitting at the table when Bucky walked in with a hand to his head, wearing a tight tshirt and a pair of pajama pants. She could tell that he had showered, but he was sweaty again.

He looked up to see her, and paused in the doorway.

"Tea?" She offered.

He nodded and made his way to the table as she stood and got him a teacup.

"It's still got a minute to brew," she said as she sat down.

"Insomnia?" He guessed with a half smile.

She gave a half smile as well and nodded. "Nightmares?" She asked.

"I look that ragged, huh?" He tried to laugh it off.

She bit her lip as she looked at him, her eyebrow pinching. "My grandpa said that holding my grandma close helped with the nightmares," she told him softly after a moment.

"Best cure for nightmares?" He asked with a teasing smirk.

(Y/n) gave him an apologetic and pained smile.

He watched the tea as she poured it into his cup. "Steve tell you?"

"He'd never do that. You know that."

"How could you tell?" He asked tonelessly.

"My grandpa had PTSD," she told him as she poured tea into her own cup.

"When did you figure it out?"

"For sure, at the storage place, but I suspected before," she said quietly, adding honey to her tea.

He was silent for a moment. "Did he have a prosthesis, too?" That might explain why she didn't seem so thrown by his.

"Nope. Managed to keep all his limbs."

It was silent for another minute.

"They didn't have a lot of knowledge about it at first- then they called it shell shock, as though it was caused by one shell. But- they have some really good help out there, now," she said, looking up at him.

"Why are you telling me that?" He asked monotonously.

(Y/n) bit her lips a little harder. "Bucky... Whatever happened in high school... Whatever reason you don't like me... I want you to be as ok as you can be."

Whatever reason? Did she not remember trying to assassinate his character just because he asked her out on a date?

"Why?"

"My grandpa lived a long, mostly happy life-"

"How nice for him," Bucky snarked.

"Until my grandma died," she continued, "then he took his service revolver and had an accident while he cleaned it. With his tongue."

Bucky felt a little guilty for having snapped at her.

"I just... Want you to be happy... As happy as you can be..."

Bucky sipped his tea. "Thanks," he told her quietly.  
  


They fell into a comfortable pattern with her cooking and looking for work, cleaning what little there was, but staying out of his room, and him working the afternoons in it, and sitting around with her in the living room, her on the couch, him in his chair, reading a book or working with his phone on what he would only tell her was some freelance stuff.

It took two days for (Y/n) to find anywhere that she was qualified to work, but she applied, and got a call for an interview the next day.

"Yes!" She cried out, jumping up as she read the email.

Bucky looked up at her from his phone in question.

"I have an interview tomorrow!" She told him.

He smiled at her. "Good luck."

...    ...    ...    

Bucky awoke, covered in sweat, panting for breath. He wiped the sweat off of his face with his shirt, tossing it on the ground after. He stood and made his way downstairs.

(Y/n) was sitting at the table, sipping some tea.

"Insomnia?" He asked as he sat down.

"Nerves," she answered.

He smiled and took the cup of tea she pushed to him.

"Heavy workout?" She teased.

"Yep," he laughed, but it was half hearted, as he felt completely wiped out.

"You know... that thing I said... About what my grandpa told me..."

He looked up at her in question.

"I- I'm here, if you want to... to try..."

He lifted a brow.

"The- the holding," she murmured with a blush. "Just- that I have noticed that you don't seem to have a girlfriend to ask..."

"Yeah- I'll let you know if I need your help," he snipped sarcastically.

She blushed darker and stood, putting her half full cup in the sink as she hurried away upstairs.

Bucky ran his fingers through his hair. Why did he have to say that when she was just trying to help?

And it wasn't like he was opposed to the idea of holding her close as they laid in bed, even if it was just sleeping. And, now that he thought about it, he had slept a thousand times better when she had been laying in his arms.

He sighed roughly.

He needed some release for his pent up frustration.

He downed his tea and made his way outside. He used his phone to quickly put out a message that announced that he was going to do a tip show for his podcast the next day, then taped his hand and went to the punching bag.

...    ...    ...    

(Y/n) woke up with her headphones on and her phone's alarm going off.

She got up and hurried to turn off the stream of older podcasts from her favorite caster and got up to get ready.

She was looking for the number for a cab as she walked into the front room.

"Is that really what you're wearing?" Bucky asked, startling her.

"Um... Why? What's wrong with it?"

He raised a brow at the black leggings and nice, though baggy, grey shirt. "You can't tell?" He asked.

She gave him a frustrated glare, looking over his jeans and long sleeve shirt like he had any room to talk. "Just tell me."

He stood and gestured for her to walk ahead of him back up the stairs. She sighed and went, followed by him. He directed her to her room and went to her drawers. "Which ones should I stay away from?" He asked.

"The top one," she answered.

He opened the other drawers and looked inside, shuffling around through the clothes. He pulled out a dress that she'd gotten in middle school.

She'd only taken it because she had been blindly grabbing clothes and stuffing them into her gym bag.

He held it up and nodded. "And you need to wear a real bra. No sports bras."

"I-"

"No arguing," he told her, tossing her the dress.

"This is from middle school!"

"Try it on- no arguing." He stepped out and closed the door, waiting for her and shaking his head.

She hadn't worn a real bra the whole time she'd been there, and he had thought it was just for comfort, but maybe she was just being lazy.

(Y/n) opened the door, a dark shade of red.

Bucky turned around and forgot how to breath for a second.

The dress looked like just a long shirt, going down to her thigh, form fitting at the chest, and tight-ish at the waist, but loose at the hips and thighs.

With a real bra on, he was shocked to see just how large her chest was, having only had a slight clue from the sports bras, it seemed.

The dress turned shirt was a nice deep color that went well with the leggings, and her skin, despite the flush turning her a near magenta as she folded her arms and tried to cover herself, looking uncomfortable.

"It looks awful..." She muttered.

Bucky licked his lips and looked up to her, catching his bottom lip between his teeth and letting it slowly slip out.

That action made it feel like heat was burning through her belly, and making wetness pool.

"It definitely does not," he told her. "You need something nicer than a ponytail, but I guess that's what will survive the helmet."

She raised her eyebrows, about to say something, but he took her wrists and pulled her arms away from her.

"And don't fold your arms, let them be natural."

"It's not natural," she said. "It's weird-"

He looked at her in confusion. "What is?"

"Me- in a dress- looking like a girl- it's just stupid," she muttered self consciously, and he sighed.

He could see the hurt there, the pain and fear, the rejection that she must have suffered. "You've always looked like a girl, as long as I've known you, anyway. You in a dress- well, I'll have to wait until I see it, because this is a shirt, but I'd imagine that it's a pretty stunning sight, if this shirt is any indication," he told her, and she blushed more.

"Stop it-" She whispered, and he saw tears at the edges of her eyes.

He grabbed her wrist and pulled her downstairs and out to where his bike was, handing her the helmet. "So, where are we going?" He asked.

"Wait, my phone-" She made a move back toward the house, but he caught her and turned her back to the bike.

"No way, doll. Not giving you a chance to go change out of that."

"But, my phone," she pleaded.

"You don't need it, you're going there for a job interview, not to text people."

He drove her to the building she had the interview at, and waited in the lobby, writing even more in his prompts and scripts for podcasts, making a quick one for the tip show that night.

He read through the things that people had sent asking him to read or say, getting rid of the things that were things he wouldn't say, or read, and looking through the rest to put them in some kind of order.

After a while, (Y/n) made her way back down to the lobby, stopping in front of him, her arms crossing awkwardly.

"I told you not to do that," he told her, still looking at his phone.

"How does you or metal hand type on there? I thought that those types of screens had some weird way of making sure that only skin contact works? Like temperature, or something."

Bucky held his hand up to her and she looked at it in question. He gestured it at her again, and she reached out to touch it.

"It's warm," she said in amazement. "Not like a machine working hard and heating up; like body temperature." Her other hand joined it, and the two slid over his hand, checking out everything about it.

Bucky felt his heart beating faster, as he watched her face.

"This thing kicks ass," she told him.

"Mmm," he hummed. "Let's get some dinner while we're out," he told her.

.

They sat in the booth at the restaurant and ordered food after looking through the menu.

(Y/n) had her arms covering her the best she could, using them in coordination with the table.

Bucky was watching her, trying to figure out just what was wrong.

Their food arrived, and they started eating.

"So, how do you think the interview went?" He asked.

"I think it went well," she answered.

They were quiet as they ate, letting the noise of the restaurant echo around them.

"Hey, (Y/n)," he paused as she humphed in question, "Why do you hate dresses?"

"I don't," she told him. "It's just that I look ridiculous in them."

Bucky's eyes widened. "Why would you think that?"

She stared at her food, pushing it around her plate. "Why do you care?" She asked, a sharp tone in her voice.

"Curious." She didn't say anything, so he told her, "I could just sit here and stare at you until you talk to me."

"Why not. Everyone else is... probably thinking I look like an idiot..."

"Or that you look gorgeous," he told her.

She glared at her plate, and it took a moment, but he realized that the look wasn't anger, it was distrust. He tried to fit that in with the rest of the puzzle that was her confusing behavior, but couldn't tell quite where it went.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you that you look beautiful before?" He asked.

She chewed her food, not saying anything.

"Any of your boyfriends?"

She scoffed, "pfft, _any_." That would imply that more than one man had ever wanted to go out with her.

Bucky's brow pinched as he studied her for a moment. "Didn't your ex at least call you pretty?"

Her eyes met his, glowing irritation and half buried hurt feelings.

"He must have at least called you that at first," he commented.

"He called me a great many things at first- all of which were lies," she told him.

"Not-"

"Would you just shut up?" She snapped.

He shook his head, going back to his food. "Didn't mean to upset you by bringing him up."

They were silent for the rest of the meal, and when she pulled out her wallet, Bucky waved her away.

"How much was my food?" She asked.

"Don't worry about it," he told her.

She reached for the check, but he grabbed it first holding it out of her reach. She leaned over the table, trying to grab it from him, but he put his hand under the table so she couldn't.

Her eyebrow knotted, and she slid out of the booth, standing and walking to him, but he caught on, sliding out as well to stand. She reached for the bill, but he held it over her head, an amused grin growing over his face as she reached up for it.

"Bucky, let me see that thing, damn it," she demanded.

It was over his head, now, and she was leaning up to try to grab it, one hand on his shoulder so she didn't fall as she stood on her tippy toes.

A stab of familiar desire filled his chest, giving him a punch to the gut, and his eyes took in her face as she looked up at the check. She was so beautiful, how had no one ever told her before?

"I'll give it to you... for a kiss." He couldn't believe that those words had left his mouth, and he could see the surprise in her eyes as well.

She stepped back haughtily, her eyes darting around as she realized where she was. He saw her eyes linger in a direction before she turned away from it, her arms coming up around her uncomfortably a moment later.

He looked behind him to where she had been looking, and saw that a man was obviously giving her an interested look. He glared at the man until he turned away, refusing to admit the jealousy growing in the pit of his stomach.

He turned back to her, studying her body language for a second before he understood.

She was uncomfortable with her body and any attention paid to it.

He was disappointed to realize that, as he thought it was a great body. Of course, he had thought she looked great when she was heavier, too, but if she thought that she would feel better without the weight, he was just going to have to support her.

Bucky wrapped his metal arm around her waist and started directing her to the front. "C'mon, doll."

(Y/n) was flustered, trying to get away from him, but unable to move from his strong grasp.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The livecast is in this one, so, smut, masturbation, fantasies... Just a bit of angst if you squint.

(Y/n) went up and grabbed her phone as soon as they were at the house, excited to see an update saying that her favorite podcaster was going to do a live tip show tonight.

She didn't have any money to give, but she liked hearing him talk, his low, sweet, sensual voice making butterflies flutter in her stomach.

She made her way downstairs and set up the things for Bucky if he had a nightmare in the middle of the night; a teacup, tea ready to be brewed in the pot, and a pan of water on the stove ready to heat up.

She looked around, making sure that everything was cleaned for the night, but of course it was, they hadn't been there for half the day.

She grabbed her water bottle from upstairs and went back down to fill it up, and saw Bucky taking two bottles of water from the fridge as she made it back to the kitchen.

(Y/n) pressed her lips together, biting the inside of them. How did she tell him that she wanted to be left alone without sounding like an ungrateful bitch?

"So," Bucky spoke, seeming a little hesitant. "I have some things I have to do for my freelance thing..."

She nodded to him.

"And I'll be in my room, on the computer. It's a voice meeting, so, I need quiet in there. And I can't be disturbed."

She nodded again. "No problem." She was glad he'd said something, that way she didn't have to, and she got the solitude she needed.

They went their separate ways, and closed their doors.

(Y/n) locked the door, grabbing her headphones and getting undressed, putting on Bucky's shirt and boxers, which she had decided to keep as her pajamas for as long as she was here... And maybe after, when she "accidentally" packed them with her things.

She got comfortable and checked the clock. Still half an hour until the cast.

She decided to go to the bathroom to make sure that she wouldn't have to halfway through listening to the low voice she'd come to long for some nights.

She went into the bathroom, and could hear Bucky talking on the other side of the wall, not what he was saying, just that he was talking.

She lifted a brow as she wondered what he and the other person or people were talking about, wondering, not for the first time, what his "freelance" business was.

Maybe he was a consultant for writers about war? Or maybe it had to do with his arm, maybe he was talking to Tony Stark, or, more likely, someone at Stark Enterprises, about how it was working.

She finished and went back to her room, getting comfortable and all setup again.

 

Bucky pulled up the picture of (Y/n) that he had saved on his computer.

It wasn't that he always thought of her, or needed the picture for what he was going to do, but, it was easier to have it up, just in case he needed it later.

Getting turned on and masturbating to orgasm on command was harder than people seemed to think it was.

He set his bottles of water at the ready and opened the drawer to pull out the lube and grab a clean hand towel to clean up with. He opened all of the stories and comments he had qued to read, and the order he had planned them, then pulled up all of the links he needed for his donation account, the streaming account, and messaging, then went through his warm up exercises, reading phrases and sentences so that he didn't strain his voice talking for as long as he was going to have to.

After that, he made himself comfortable in the chair, glad that he'd invested in a very comfortable one so that he wouldn't need to shift and move around a lot. He took off his shirt, wearing just his jeans and boxers, since the girls seemed to like hearing him undo and take off his pants.

He tested his mic and made sure everything was plugged in, turned on or off, and close enough that he could reach it if he needed to. Then he amped himself up, decided on a last minute change and pulled up a document, closing the one he had planned to use and typing as fast as he could.

(Y/n) laid back on the bed, looking for apartments for rent, since the first one had obviously fallen through after losing her job.

She had to get out of here, quick; being around Bucky so much was bringing back all of her feelings about him from high school, and listening to these podcasts was making her think of him doing these things to her, imagine his eyes staring into hers, his body over her-

She shook her head, trying to ignore the pain growing in her heart and stomach at the desire filling her, and the knowledge that not only would he never want her, but he had the opposite feelings for her.

His comment earlier about her kissing him filled her with bitter tears.

As if he would ever want her, as if he weren't still playing that stupid, horrible joke on her he'd started in high school and hadn't gotten to finish.

Her alarm went off and she opened the app she had downloaded specifically to listen to his live podcasts. It was silent for a few moments, and then, the "live" light glowed and a sudden static then silent, but live air came over the speakers of her headphones.

_"Hello, lovelies, is the line working?"_ His deep voice paused as he read the messages that popped up saying that it was good. _"Well, it's good to be heard."_ He chuckled and (Y/n) smiled. His chuckle was so warm when it was real. " _Well, then, let's get started. I'll be your host, Jamie, and you, I hope, will be my willing audience. First, I'll start with some lovely things that you all have asked for me to whisper into your ear."_

(Y/n) kept looking at the search for apartments, letting the words whisper in her ear, giving a little bit of a laugh, not believing that the podcaster's real name was Jamie.

"You taste delicious. _That seems to be a very popular one tonight_ ," he chuckled again. _"Alright, ladies, I have a few selections that I want to read for you. The first is from..."_

(Y/n) listened a little, the stories were good sometimes, sometimes not, but listening the him read them was usually the best part about them.

The erotic stories that he read were over, and now, the sound of him getting even more comfortable came over the app.

_"Now, ladies, it's time for the main event. I have to tell you, I am really worked up tonight."_ He chuckled as he read the messages. _"Yeah, partly from that, but partly from things that are happening in the real world around me... Whoa, whoa, whoa,"_ he chided whoever was sending the messages he was reacting to. _"Ladies, please be ladies. Thank you, Furfield46, and LadyDiana1920, I appreciate it, and you are right. If I choose to be with anyone in real life, it is my life, my choice, and her choice, as well. I don't want any of you getting jealous, especially when I didn't even say that I_ am _with anyone. There are just things going on around me that are bringing up some feelings I haven't had since high school. So I'm like a horny teenager,"_ he chuckled.

(Y/n) felt bad for him, and the girl he would eventually end up with.

He seemed like such a nice guy, though she knew at least part of that would be his podcasting persona, she enjoyed what he gave, but she hoped that he would find love and happiness; she thought that everyone deserved those things. She even hoped that she eventually found a man who wasn't a complete asshole, as well, though if there were a list of people who would never get that, she was most likely on it.

It was too bad that some of his fans were so jealous.

_"Now, ladies, I'm going to post the tip jar again before we start, and then I'm going to start again."_

Silence prevailed for a moment.

_"I wanted to let you know that I am really worked up, there are things going on around me right now that are bringing up feelings I haven't dealt with since high school, and it's getting me all worked up so easily, that's why the sudden livecast. But I have been getting really worked up a lot lately, so I'm sorry if I can't last as long as I usually do."_ His voice was so sweet as he was asking for forgiveness before he even knew whether he needed it. _"Thank you, ladies, for the support... See, there are the sweet dolls I know you all are."_

There was a pause and some barely audible noises as he shifted things around in his space to get set up and comfortable for what was happening next.

_"Ok, now please remember, I'm telling you a story, so I won't be able to respond to comments. Here we go."_

He took a breath, and seemed to hesitate, but then spoke, _"Hey, beautiful."_ He gave a hum in appreciation, and it turned to a chuckle. _"Your cheeks are so cute when they're red. It makes me want to kiss them... Hm? What's wrong, doll?"_ His voice sounded sincere, as though he was really worried about who he was talking to. _"Why are you hiding? Ah, babydoll- don't hide, I love what you're wearing... I don't care that you're not wearing a bra... I don't care if you have panties on or not. In fact it might be sexier if you don't... I don't care what the story is, I don't care if you did it because you had no other option, or because you just wanted to- You look fucking amazing in my clothes..."_

(Y/n)'s eyes jerked up to the doorway, startled to think that maybe Bucky had spoken to her, but the door was still closed.

_"You do... Here, let me show you. Let me see your hand, so I can press it against my hard cock. Can you feel it through my jeans?"_ He chuckled. _"Yeah, I know that you can... You make me so hard, just looking at you... I love the way my shirt is nearly hanging off of your shoulders, showing me all of the tender skin I don't get to see very often. Like the tops of your shoulders, and your collar bones... I don't know why you insist on hiding them in your everyday clothes. They are a part of you, and doll- You. Are. Beautiful."_

(Y/n) felt a stab of pain.

He'd never done this kind of audio before, and it hurt a little the hear these words and know, without a doubt, that he could never be talking about her. Not because she was in love with him and he didn't even know she existed, but because she wasn't beautiful.

She might- maybe, that is, just maybe- be pretty... But she was not very good at looking pretty, which might be why Jason, that ass, had cheated on her. That, and her lack of ability in bed.

_"Baby, don't- I don't want to see you look at the floor. I want to see you looking at me,"_ his voice told her. It sounded soft, a little sad. _"Babydoll, I don't want to see those tears in your eyes, I want to see you smile... I don't know who hurt you, but I want to make you feel better... I want to see the sparkle in your eyes like it used to be... I miss the humor in your eyes when you laughed at my stupid jokes, and how you looked at me like you wanted me to wrap you in my arms and never let go..."_  He cleared his throat, and it was obvious that it had gotten tight, but the question was, always was, was it real, or was he a good actor? " _Babydoll, I think that you are the most beautiful woman on Earth, and nothing can change that. I don't care whatever that idiot, or those idiots, said- You- are-_ beautiful. _You are_ my _beautiful. My type of beautiful... You always have been. C'mere..."_ There was a little bit of noise as he shifted around. _"Come let me kiss you."_

Soft kissing noises were picked up by the mic, and they sent shivers down (Y/n)'s spine.

_"You are so beautiful. And doll, I am not even joking about how sexy you are in my clothes, like you're just daring everyone to guess what we've done together. Where I've only dreamt of kissing you, and where I really have. God, when you hold those amazing breasts up with your folded arms and then shrug like that- I've got two things to say to you; I really love the way your breasts jiggle, just a bit, like they're trying to get my attention, and- I don't know who made you think they're not amazing and something to be celebrated, but I'm going to have to change your thinking on that. So, c'mere, come a bit closer. There you go. That's right, doll, straddle my lap. Let me run my hands up the bare backs of your thighs. Feel your silky smooth skin..."_

More soft kissing noises filtered through the mic. _"Let me kiss that beautiful face. Those delicious lips. Along your jaw... down your neck... down to that sexy, revealed skin, on your shoulders and collarbone. Let me give gentle little licks on them as I squeeze your hips, my fingers slipping under the edge of the shorts you borrowed from me... You know that those have been against me, my bare skin, right?"_ He asked, and the husky tone in his voice set off desire in (Y/n)'s belly.

She looked down at the boxers barely visible beneath the shirt she was wearing and bit her lip.

They had, that's right; they had covered and held Bucky in them, where she was now.

_"God, when I think about how they've held me, how the fabric that my stiff cock is now pressing against, and maybe just a little into, your pussy has been against my cock, my balls-"_ he groaned, _"doll, I bet you can't tell, but there are secret stains on them; I have never been able to help myself, keep from touching myself when I'm thinking of you-"_

(Y/n) felt like her breath had been stolen; this all sounded so real.

He'd done recordings before where he warned that he was admitting to fantasies that he had, and that had sounded so _real_ compared to his other works, and this was starting to sound like one of them.

She felt bad for the poor girl he was thinking about, whoever she was; if the outburst earlier was any indication, his crazy fans would probably try to decapitate her and put her head on a spike.

_"-and doll, those stains are all over my underwear- yes, even the ones you're wearing..."_

Oh god, were there stains on Bucky's boxers like that, too? (Y/n) blushed, desire growing in her at the thought.

"Mmm... Your nipples are so hard under my shirt, doll. It's so easy to roll them and tweak them through the fabric." Bucky took a breath as his eyes closed, imagining his fingers doing just what he was saying to (Y/n). "They're so needy... Babydoll, can I tell you a secret? ... You leaned over to get something out of the fridge and I nearly lost my mind when my shirt hung down so low I could almost see everything under it- and these shorts, yes, the ones I've gotten pushed down your ass a fair ways, they rode up a bit, too."

Bucky's eyes opened as he looked back at the picture of (Y/n), one of two that Steve had posted on his social media and not tagged her in so she wouldn't know he'd taken them.

One she was standing in her workout clothes at the gym, looking off to the side with that just a little sad, but neutral look on her face, and the other, the same, except that she was looking nearly at the camera and had that beautiful, sparkly eyed, humorously smiling look on her face. They had been put up as a pair with the caption, 'made her think I was taking a selfie.'

"When they did... God, baby, I wanted to hold your hips in my hands and make you scream my name right there in the kitchen..." He groaned needily. "Yes, I'm nibbling your nipples, with my teeth, but the fabric should protect them from the roughest of my bites... You are so fucking beautiful-" Bucky had to cut himself off as he nearly said (Y/n)'s name out loud.

It's not like she could hear him with how far away her room was, and he definitely didn't think she was listening; he wasn't very well known, and who knew if she even listened to podcasts at all, let alone erotic ones where he bared his soul in the safety of a crowd of strangers who would never know him, but if he said her name, the same women who had started rioting and calling for "the bitch to go" when he'd just mentioned that the situation he was in was turning him on would make her life hell, not to mention out him and the deepest of the feelings he couldn't get rid of.

"I do love teasing your nipples through my shirt- especially because it's _my_ shirt- but my hands want to feel them for real doll, feel the skin against mine-" He let out a sigh, his desire pushing out through his lips as his hand stroked over the bulge pressing against his jeans. "Ahhh, doll, pressing that hot, wet spot against me- you're going to drive me crazy before I even get you naked. Let's get this shirt out of the way, first- don't worry, you can always put it back on after- if you can move, which I don't intend to let happen..."

He licked his lips as he imagined pulling his shirt off of (Y/n), wondering what her bra looked like, not the sports ones, but the real one she'd been wearing earlier. Was it lacy? Pink? Black? White?

He groaned, his hand still rubbing against him to encourage his cock to keep stiff until he got to the part in the story where he finally got to touch it.

"Fuck, doll, your breasts are even more beautiful with nothing on them- actually, I can think of one thing that would make them even more beautiful, know what it is?" He asked, pausing as he imagined stroking his hands over (Y/n)'s beautiful chest, knowing that they would be, even though he had to take a guess at what they looked like.

He imagined smooth, soft skin, maybe a dimple or dip where they met her body, giving his fingers and hands something to rest on and trace around, under her breasts until her got to the center of her chest where he would kiss and nibble until she moaned for him.

"Ah, babydoll, the only thing on your breast that could make it more beautiful is my mouth." He put his hand up with one finger up, licking and starting to suck on it so that the noise was picked up by his microphone. "Well, doll," he asked as he licked his finger, imagining it to be (Y/n)'s stiff nipple, "does it look more beautiful? You have to look down here and tell me, 'cause the only thing my mind can focus on right now is how delicious it is, mmm... and it is so delicious. Let's check this one, too," he said, as though he was moving to the other one.

Another groan left him as his hips pressed against his hand. "Doll, you really are trying to drive me crazy aren't you; grinding against me like that..."

(Y/n)'s cheeks had heated. His voice was so sexy, like he was really into what he was saying, or who he was thinking about.

She bit her lip, trying to ignore her body telling her it wanted her to touch it.

What was happening to her? Before she'd stayed here with Bucky, she had hardly ever touched herself to the sounds from these podcasts, just letting the fantasies wash over her and enjoying the story, but now, being around him so much, every glance at him, every time she saw his muscles flexing as he moved, every time he smirked, every time she caught him pulling his bottom lip across his teeth, especially then, she felt the need to have him touch her, and when she heard the podcasts, the podcaster's voice started to sound like him; like the now severely muscled man with the metal arm that drove her crazy just by existing in the same place as her.

For God's sake, it had only been a week! How did he have this much effect on her already?!

She couldn't resist, her body needing release despite having had it twice already this week. She was turning into a sex starved maniac like she'd never been before, and she knew that it was in no small part due to the strong, silent ex soldier down the hall.

Her hands slid under his shirt to touch herself as she played along with the podcaster.

Bucky bit his finger as his mind started running wild over (Y/n)'s body on him.

"Your hips are so soft, baby, they really get me turned on, but I have to focus a little, and right now, it's on your breasts- mmm," he moaned softly around where his teeth still held his finger. "Yeah, they're so soft in my hands doll. Ooooh," he groaned as his hand stroked him through his pants. "Your breasts look so pretty when I squeeze them just a little bit. Mmm, lean a little closer, babydoll, let me suck your pretty nipples while I pull you harder against me-" He gave a half groan, half growl. "Fuck-" He groaned at the thoughts his imagination was feeding him. "Your hot pussy feels so good pressed against me, baby..."

He panted for a moment, then groaned, unable to stand the teasing anymore. "Babydoll- fuck, I can't take it anymore- I need you, right now..."

He made a little bit of noise as he struggled with his pants to get them off.

"Yeah, doll, we could pull those off of you, but baby, I need to be inside you _right now_ , so they're just getting pulled to the side," he panted as he squirted a bit of lube on his hand and pulled his boxers down with the other.

His cock sprang out, desperate for what it had been teased with; (Y/n), but it was just going to have to be satisfied with his hand. "Oh, God, I need you so bad, dollf-, I really do need you, so fucking bad."

Bucky held his hand tighter than he would need it, so that he would have to work himself in, imagining (Y/n) sliding down around him. "Oh-oooooooh," he groaned raggedly, "babydoll- Oh, you feel so fucking good around me," he was panting a little, his hand squeezing him a bit. "Baby, you're so tight... You're going to have me cumming before I even get going," he chuckled a little, but moaned as he slightly moved his hand. "Ugh, fuck, doll- you are so beautiful on top of me, riding my cock," he panted as his hand loosened and started stroking.

"I _know_ you can feel how hard you make me, now; I'm pressing into you so perfectly- filling you so perfectly- oh, god- but it's not because of me, no. It's because _you_ are so perfect, so amazing... Ah, doll... God, I wanna hear you moan my name, baby- I dream about it at night... oh, fuck-"

Bucky was panting, trying to keep oxygen in his brain as his hand moved up and down his cock. He could tell that he was rambling, but with (Y/n)'s imagined face contorting in pleasure above him, her sweet little cunt riding him, letting him fill it as much as he could- it was hard to keep random thoughts from spilling out of his mouth.

"Babydoll... _My_ doll-" He moaned and gasped for a second. "You- you said th-that you had thought about having sex on the table- and- oh, doll- fuck- every time I see you in that room, I think about fucking you on the table- sitting you on it and pulling your clothes off- tearing off your panties and bra so that I can lay you back, spread you across the damn table and plow into you... fuck you until you can't walk straight," he moaned, and a needy whine filled the noise.

"I try to keep calm, but every time we're eating at the table- the only thing I can think about is- oh god- how good your pussy would feel around me while I fuck you, all the food forgotten and tossed onto the floor- oh god- please come with me, oh, come with me, doll-" Bucky panted, "Oh fuck, you're so beautiful, I was too busy staring at your gorgeous tits bouncing as you rode me- I didn't notice it sneaking up on me, babydoll- oh, god- please, I need to feel you come around me, squeezing me-" He gasped, trying to last through a few more lines, "so tight that- fuck- doll, I need you to- ah- ah- come with me- ah- ah-"

Bucky hovered at the edge; he wasn't going to make it, he was on borrowed time as it was. "C-come with me- doll-! Ah- ah!" Bucky cried out, grunting and groaning into his mic, getting close to it so he could stay quiet as needy, orgasmic growls and moans left his lips.

God, his imagination must be playing tricks on him, because he thought he heard someone cry his name, but (Y/n) would never, and there was no one around for a few miles.

He panted as his heart calmed itself, trying not to overthink everything he had just imagined with (Y/n), his hand supporting his head closer to the mic, though it just wanted to lay on the desk.

(Y/n) panted as she caught her breath, hoping that the cry that had escaped her lips of Bucky's name hadn't been too loud.

She cursed silently as she laid there, spread across the bed, her legs splayed, Bucky's boxers around her calves, his shirt pulled up to her shoulders, baring everything to anyone who opened the door, her limbs too full of orgasm tingles and numbness to be able to move. It was such an intense orgasm, she couldn't focus on anything for a moment.

_"Babydoll,"_ he panted, _"I hope that you just came as hard as I did, because I'm seeing the world in a whole new set of colors,"_ he chuckled. _"And now there's going to be a new stain on those shorts, but this one is going to be from both of us,"_ he panted, a smile audible in his voice.

A smile lifted the corner of (Y/n)'s lips, as she tried to catch her breath.

_"All right, ladies,"_ the low, satisfied voice in her ear said after another moment of panting. _"Let's see those hands, who came?"_

(Y/n) lifted her hand off of the bed, but it plopped back down as she sighed in contentment.

"Quite a few of you, I see," he commented. Bucky felt his lips quirk up.

This is the part that usually made him feel the best; even if he wasn't in the same room as them, even with his scars and metal arm, he could make women orgasm, and en mass, without touching them, but somehow, it felt bitter this time.

(Y/n) wasn't there with him, and she was the only woman he wanted to make come, right now.

"How sexy, all of you beautiful women coming to my voice. And when I post this, you can all do it again. I want to thank you all, even you lurkers- maybe especially you lurkers," he chuckled, "for being here. For sticking around till the end. For donating, all of those who did. It helps support my lifestyle," he laughed again. "And now, my sexy ladies, I am a bit tired, and I have something I need to go clean up. Until next time, goodnight."

Bucky posted the link for the donation site again, then turned off the streaming page and stopped the recording.

He used the part of the towel he hadn't cum in to clean himself up a bit, then tucked himself into his pants and climbed out of the chair, going to the bathroom and cleaning up for real.

He exited the bathroom, quietly walking down to the end of the hall to (Y/n)'s room. His forehead touched the door as bitter regret pricked at his heart.

He needed to remember what she had done to him in high school. He needed to remember how crazy she was, otherwise-

Bucky pushed away those thoughts, instead focusing on the desire to open the door and look in at (Y/n). It wasn't creepy- seriously, just like checking on a sleeping child... except that she was a full grown adult, who didn't need him to check on her.

He just really wanted to see her face right now...

Bucky clenched his eyes and jaw shut, standing from the door and going downstairs, making rounds to check that everything was locked and safe, though he knew it wouldn't help his nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel really bad that's it's been so long, y'all! I want to get these out kinda fast, the thing that has been slowing me down is the figuring out how the site needs me to edit, plus government inspections of where I work, and getting things to try to pass, while dealing with the normal duties and daily activities, not to mention having to constantly retrain so that EVERYONE is doing their jobs correctly. I'm hoping to be able to update faster and in more bulk pretty soon, but at the same time I'm trying to get other things written, as well. Just know that you are all loved and appreciated!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Minor violence, wait, make that minor and satisfying violence. Maybe some slightly incorrect terminology about homosexuals- don’t know, folks, the word ‘gay’ isn’t a bad word over here, but I know it’s ever changing.   

 

“So, you have someone living with you, now?” Dr. Bradley asked.

Bucky nodded his head in reply.

“And, how is that working for you?”

“S’ok, I mean, she is pretty quiet-“ Bucky shrugged.

“So the person staying with you is a woman?” Dr. Bradley asked.

Bucky sighed as he ran his hands over his face, but nodded. “She’s a friend of a friend, we knew each other in high school. Her apartment building burned down, so she’s just staying with me for a bit.” He looked up at the older man, taking in the glasses on his nose and the wrinkles on his face as he wrote on the pad of paper in his lap.

“How are the nightmares?” He asked, looking up.

“Still bad,” Bucky admitted.

“Have you taken any of your sleep aid prescription?”

Bucky shook his head.

“And your anti anxiety prescription?”

“No.” He hated taking those pills, they made him feel hollow and empty, a lot like he had when he had been strapped down and repeating his name and serial number as they “interrogated” him.

“Have you been talking to your friend,” he quickly referenced the papers, “Steve, about them?”

“He was sent to another base, so, not as much.”

Bucky hated this part of therapy. Why did he have to rely on other people to get things done? Why couldn’t the man in front of him just give him “assignments” that he could do alone?

“How close are you with this friend that is staying at your house?”

“Not very,” Bucky quickly told him, hoping to cut off any forced interaction the doctor might try to assign. “We knew each other way back, but hadn’t seen each other in five years or so. And didn’t part on the best terms.”

The doctor nodded his head, writing more notes. “James, I know I’ve told you this before, but I think you should come to the group therapy sessions. They’re run by a very nice man who has been in the military, too, and everyone there is there for the same reason you are. You’re not alone, James. There are people who want to help you.”

Bucky shrugged his shoulders, disinterested. He  _really_  didn’t want to go to group therapy.

Why could people not tell that he just wanted to be left alone? He wanted to get better, he didn’t enjoy nightmares waking him up almost every night, or the sporadic panic attacks, and least of all the flashbacks that put him right back there and made him question if he’d ever really come home, and sometimes forget things, big things, like his name, but he didn’t want to have to be surrounded by and have to depend on other people to make that happen.

No one else was going to be able to fix him, only he could fix himself. He just needed a way to do it.

Dr. Bradley sighed and pulled off his glasses, rubbing his eyes with his other hand. “Your assignment for the week is to get out into the community more; leave your house and be around other people, go shopping, to the library, the gym, out to eat, anywhere, anything, just do it around other humans.”

    …    …    …

Bucky walked through the huge, open room.

He’d left (Y/n) at the library while he went to therapy, telling her he had some personal errands to run, and she had been fine with staying there, joking about how she would have nothing to do, what with all of the books and free WiFi at her disposal.

He found her in the same place that he’d left her, but in a very different state.

She was sitting in a chair, staring out the window at a tree growing in the small park behind the building, a book held open by her finger in one hand, and her phone in the other, her knees resting against the arm if the chair, and a very let down expression on her face.

He stopped next to her, but she didn’t seem to notice that he was there. “(Y/n),” he called to her, and she looked up.

“Oh,” she tried to pull on a smile. “How did your errands go?”

“Fine,” he told her. “Why don’t we go get breakfast, or lunch or something, since we’re already out here,” he suggested.

(Y/n) looked down at her phone, her brow shifting to reflect her troubled thoughts. “I can’t. I… shouldn’t waste what little money I had managed to save…”

Bucky lifted a brow, then reached out with his flesh hand, keeping the other in his pocket. “C’mon, my treat.”

(Y/n)’s eyes jumped to his, her heart beating a little faster as the podcaster’s voice saying something similar rang in her mind. “What?”

“I said; my treat. So get up, let’s go.”

They went to a diner, one of those places that had a regular crowd and a not regular crowd, and you could tell who was who by how professional the wait staff was to them.

They ordered and waited for their food, Bucky sipping coffee, and watching (Y/n) people watching, though she tried to keep her attention on whatever she was looking at on her phone. Probably more job searching.

Their food arrived, and (Y/n) put her phone away, looking at her food and starting to organize everything the way she liked it, salting hash browns, scooting the sausage to one side and so forth.

“I got a call from the place I did that interview,” she told him quietly, and he hummed in comment as he took a bite of his pancakes. “I didn’t get the job,” she said, nearly whispering to her plate.

He just hummed again.

(Y/n) looked up at him. “I thought you’d be upset,” she told him, a little confused.

“Why?” He asked.

“I- well, I mean… it means that it’s going to take even longer for me to get out of your way.”

“Not really in the way, doll. Plenty of space to get out of each other’s way, if we needed it.”

“Aren’t you worried that I won’t be able to pay you any rent?” She asked.

He shrugged. “I’ve survived living there for all these years without you paying rent,” he told her.

She looked at him, trying to figure out whether or not he actually wanted her to pay rent or be there; it seemed like he didn’t care, but what he was saying sounded like it was leaning toward wanting her to stay.

“(Y/n),” a familiar voice called, and she looked up to see the owner getting nearer.

Bucky looked up at the man walking closer to them, putting down his utensils and sipping coffee to seem nonchalant but be at the ready.

He’d recognize that ass that was in place of a head anywhere, now; he’d spent a few hours picturing it on his punching bag not too long ago.

“Jason,” (Y/n) commented without tone.

Bucky looked over to her face, seeing a closed, angry expression he’d been on the receiving end of once upon a time. Though this man deserved it and he hadn’t.

“(Y/n). Fancy running into you here. I was just over there eating breakfast and looked over here and saw you.” He gave a smile, but she didn’t return it. “I heard about your apartment burning down.”

She shrugged to him, her eyes moving back to her food to show she wasn’t interested in him, but not taking any bites.

Bucky took a small bite, chewing it carefully so that if he needed to jump into action he would be ready.

“So I’m assuming that you need a place to stay.”

“Nope,” she said.

“Ok…” He spared a glance at Bucky, but chose to continue to ignore him. “It’s been a week since I last saw you, and I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you,” he told her.

(Y/n) nearly choked on the sip of her drink she was taking, the fluid spitting back out into the cup, happily not through her nose. She wiped off her mouth with her napkin. “Excuse me?”

Bucky’s fork had stopped halfway between the plate and his mouth, and made its way back down as he looked at the asshole beside the table.

“I forgive you. For all the horrible things you said to me last week.”

(Y/n) looked at him incredulously.

“We both said things we didn’t mean in the heat of the moment,” he assured her.

“You don’t get to forgive me. There is no forgiveness needed. I’m not sorry I said those things,” she told him.

“Come on, baby, (Y/n),” he said, a smooth tone entering his voice as he tried to convince her. “Look, I know that you were dealing with some stuff, probably some girl stuff, too, but that’s no reason to let our relationship go to waste-“

(Y/n) stared at him, eyes wide, mouth agape. He wasn’t seriously blaming her being pissed at him for cheating, on her period…

Bucky’s hand clenched around his fork and he could feel the metal starting to give.

“Come on, baby, I forgive you,” Jason told her again. “You can come stay with me.”

“Did you not hear me?” She asked, still thrown.

He had never acted this way before. The confidence, yes, and maybe he  _had_  started blaming small things on her that she hadn’t noticed at first, but now, after being away from him for a week, she could look back on their relationship with clear eyes and see how it had been heading in a very abusive direction.

“I don’t want your apology, I’m not sorry, I don’t want to stay with you- I don’t want you.”

Bucky’s heart beat a little faster, but he squashed the unacknowledged and unwanted hope that she may want him.

“So, what- you say all those things to me- being a horrid bitch, might I add- and then you go find some other man?”

Bucky’s hand tightened around the fork, and his other reflexively reached for his knife as a scowl grew over his face. Lucky for this scum, he had been ordered not to carry a knife until he was cleared.

“Any dick will do, huh?”

Bucky clenched his jaw and forced himself to let go of the fork, not wanting to stab this asshole with it.

(Y/n)’s face was glowing red in anger, and she stood. “Listen you fucker, I’m not the one who was waist deep in someone else’s ideas with a coworker.”

Bucky was trying hard to stay out of this, knowing that it wasn’t his business, and that (Y/n) probably wouldn’t appreciate him jumping in, but the words Jason was saying against her were pissing him off, and he wanted to clock him one.

Jason stepped back, as though she were the one being unreasonable. “Is this him?” He nodded to Bucky. “You fucking him, now? Is he the first, or the latest? You’re such a fucking slut.”

Bucky slowly stood, standing a good inch or so taller than Jason, and much more muscled, the look on his face dark enough to be used as a weapon on the battlefield. “So what if I am?” His voice was just as scary as his expression. “Worried that I’m better than you where it counts?”

“Why don’t you sit down, Cujo,” Jason told him mockingly. “This is between me and my girlfriend-”

“Ex girlfriend,” (Y/n) snapped, her eyes going back to him from Bucky.

“You’re going to stick with that- I know you didn’t mean it, I know you want me back-“ He told her, rolling his eyes, and the condescending tone in his voice made Bucky want to punch him more.

“The hell I do,” (Y/n) spat.

“Riiight. (Y/n), I was trying to be nice here, but I should just say what you are, anyway. Warn your new “friend” about you.” He still stared at (Y/n) as he spoke, but started to turn to speak to Bucky. “You should watch out for this one. She’s no good. A flop in bed, and a stupid slu-”

Jason was cut off as Bucky’s fist hit him in the jaw, sending him to sprawl out across the floor several feet away from where Bucky was glaring at his limp, unconscious body. (Y/n)’s eyes glanced at Bucky, then shifted back to Jason’s body on the floor.

Bucky was worried that she’d be angry at him, run to Jason, yell at him, but he saw a satisfied look on her face as she looked down at her ex instead.

Jason blinked rapidly as he started returning to consciousness.

Bucky took a couple of bills from his wallet and tossed them on the table, then stepped closer and leaned over to sneer at him. “Not nice to blame your shortcomings on a woman, especially one as great as this.”

(Y/n)’s brow shifted uneasily in confusion at his assertion. 

“C’mon, doll, let’s get out of here,” he said as he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her against his side, standing between her and the asshole still laid out on the floor as he guided her away.

    …    …    …

(Y/n) watched Bucky punching the punching bag through the glass door in the kitchen.

He was working off some aggression, but she wasn’t sure if it was on her behalf, or if it was just the whole conflict of the situation. She did know that she wanted to kiss him, and that it probably had very little to do with him knocking Jason on his head, though that did fill her with glee.

Bucky hit the bag again, bouncing on the balls of his feet until it came back at him.

He sent a flurry of hits into it, turning and moving with the bag as it swung so that he could continue hitting it. He couldn’t believe that asshole had tried to pull that shit with him sitting right there.

He threw another punch, trying to remember what it had felt like as it connected with the little shit stain’s face. He didn’t deserve to talk to (Y/n) after what he’d done, and what he’d said had filled Bucky with rage. 

Not to mention the sexual frustration he was dealing with, now.

(Y/n) had held so tight to him on the ride home that he could feel how soft her body was as it pressed against him.

The thankful smile on her face as she looked up at him when they’d gotten back had made him want to drag her closer and kiss her, fill her mouth with his tongue, and her body with him, make her forget about that asshole until she could only think about him, only breathe to scream his name- right there on the fucking kitchen table like she’d mentioned.

He punched the bag again, stepping back as it swung, pulling his shirt off and wiping it across his forehead.

There was a tiny sound, like maybe a whimper that had been swallowed back, and he turned to see (Y/n) standing there with a fresh bottle of water to replace his empty one. Her eyes darted to the ground, then up to his, and he knew that she’d been staring at his chest. She flashed a smile, handing him the water, then heading back into the kitchen.

When she’d let him know that dinner was done a couple of hours later, he walked down from his room to see her leaning over the table and setting things on it.

She stood and turned, giving him a smile. “Bucky… I didn’t really say thanks earlier, so… Thanks.”

Bucky slowly stepped closer to her, trapping her between him and the table, his eyes never leaving hers as he advanced, invading her personal space, and his.

His eyes were focused on her, how her cheeks were heating up a little, her chest rising and falling more rapidly, they moved over her lips, which parted before his eyes. Her expression was willing, and she didn’t step away from him toward the table-

His eyes flicked to the table and back to her. She was so close to the table, he could pick her up and set her on it, lean her back and drag that baggy shirt off of her, see what her bra looked like this time, as she was wearing a real bra instead of a sports bra, his metal hand could grab her pants and panties and easily rip them apart, get her all open for his access-

Fuck, she was too close, they were too close together, it was driving them both crazy.

Bucky’s eyes trailed over her face again, slowing to enjoy the look of her lips, which looked so desperately like she wanted him to kiss her.

He licked his lips and lifted his eyes to hers. “I think you’re confused, (Y/n),” he told her. “I’m just messed up in the head. That had nothing to do with you.”

The wall behind her eyes closed, then opened again, and she shut out the heat that had been there, seeming to accept something. “Ok.”

He stepped back and went to the fridge, not able to bear the look his lie was going to cause. He hoped it wasn’t pain.

“But still, thanks. It was nice to see him get his,” she told him, and her voice sounded friendly.

He looked back to her, seeing a small smile lifting her lips. He felt his resolve slip, and quickly looked back to the fridge. “Yeah,” he murmured softly. 

    …    …    … 

It took a day of trying to forget about his nearly overwhelming desire to throw (Y/n) on the table and make her scream his name before he could look her in the eye again, but when he did, he found that she looked him in the eyes, too, not afraid or worried that he’d do something to hurt her after seeing him knock Jason out.

It was after dinner, and (Y/n) was laying on the couch in the front room, her phone plugged in to charge as she laid back on a pile of pillows and a movie was playing on the tv.

Bucky walked in through the doorway and observed her, watched the way she chewed her lip as she searched for a job.

She was diligent, having applied to as many jobs as she could, even ones she wasn’t really qualified for, but he wasn’t sure if it was more because she needed a job to pay her bills, or to get away from him.

“Why don’t you ever go out?” He asked.

(Y/n) looked up at him, her clear eyes taking him in as he leaned against the doorway. “I go outside,” she told him.

“I meant leave the house,” he clarified.

“Oh… Do you have someone coming over?” She asked, trying to keep the sadness out of her voice. “I could go upstairs and stay in-”

“No,” Bucky stopped her. “I just wanted to know why you don’t want to go wander around or be around people.”

(Y/n) chewed on her lip for a second. “Not really into it, I guess?” She suggested.

“You liked going hiking all over the place with Steve,” he commented.

She smiled, hiding her laugh. “The whole point of those hikes was to enjoy nature, where people hadn’t yet messed shit up. You know, being away from the city, with all of its people. My family actually comes from a place kinda like this,” she said, gesturing around. “My cousins have horses, and I learned how to ride and everything.”

Bucky blinked at her. “When did you move here?” He asked as he got closer.

She sat up on the couch to make room for him, and he sat next to her. “The last year of middle school. Just in time to be in the flow of new kids to high school, but not know any of them. Except Dustin.” She chuckled and shook her head.

“Yeah, what went on with you and him?” Bucky asked, hoping that more laughing would follow this line of conversation. It lit up her face and made her look so beautiful.

“Well, he thought he was Mr. Suave, and he totally had everyone fooled, but there is nothing wrong with  _my_  Gaydar.”

Bucky gave her a strange, questioning look.

“You know, like radar, but for seeing gay people?” She giggled and he felt his heart skip a beat. “He asked me out, and I asked him straight out, ‘aren’t you gay, though?’” She giggled again, and the smile it brought to her lips was so sweet. “He denied it up and down, but it was super easy to see. I told him that if he needed a beard, fine, I didn’t know anyone around here anyway, but he insisted that he wanted to date me for real.” 

She shook her head at the memory, but the smile didn’t leave her face. “He tried, but I kept telling him to just come out, it’s not the 1960s anymore, he’s not likely to get stoned to death, but he was still really afraid. So I just, went out with him for a few years. It’s not like anyone was interested in me, anyway,” she said, the words slipping out before she remembered the fake date asking incidents and her expression became uneasy.

Bucky’s brow pinched together. She didn’t think anyone was interested in her? How did she explain him asking her out? 

Maybe she meant while she was “dating” Dustin…

The movie on the tv ended and the end credits started rolling. “Didn’t anyone ask you out in high school?” He decided to push.

(Y/n)’s eyes focused harder on the job search on her phone. “There were a couple of guys who pretended to ask me,” she told him stiffly.

“What do you mean, ‘pretended’?” 

She cleared her throat and shifted to the other side of the couch, farther away from him. “They didn’t really ask me out.”

He just looked at her in confusion, and she glanced up to see the look on his face.

“Come on, you remember that, right? It was the popular kids who were doing it- and you were definitely one of the popular kids.”

Bucky shook his head. “Must have forgotten when I was out of the country,” he offered.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she told him.

He let it go, but looked over at her throughout the next movie. 

She was getting tired, he could tell. He knew that she got more sleep than him, though not much, and he knew that he was tired.

(Y/n) put her elbow on the arm of the couch and leaned against it, still looking at her phone.

Bucky was engrossed in the movie, and a little bit later looked over at her, seeing her asleep. He clenched his jaw, pushing away the thought that she was so beautiful when she slept.

He really wanted to kiss her, wrap his arms around her and hold her close like he had the night she’d lost her job.

She was so soft, so warm…

Bucky shook his head, standing and going around the house, triple checking that everything was locked, then went back to the couch, kneeling one knee on the cushion next to her and finding the best way to pick her up.

He put one arm around her shoulders, her arm on top on his around his neck, and turned to get his other arm under her, but she shifted.

Her arm wrapped around his neck, the other moved to his chest, grabbing on to the hem of his shirt and pulling it over her arm as though she thought it was a blanket, revealing his stomach, her body stretching out and feet pressing against the arm of the couch.

Bucky wasn’t remotely expecting her to move, so he wasn’t remotely ready for it. He laid back as she pushed him, and ended up on his back with her on top of him. He looked up at her as she settled herself half between him and the edge of the couch, and half on top of him.

His heart started throbbing in his chest, and he didn’t know what to do. He could sit up, but she was almost falling off of the couch as it was, he didn’t think she’d be too happy to wake up as she landed on her ass and see him stretched out on the couch above her.

His arm wrapped around her so that she didn’t fall off and he sighed.

He looked back to the tv and watched as the movie finished and the end credits rolled.

He needed to get up and put (Y/n) in her bed, and then go to sleep in his own.

He tried to sit up and hold on to her, but she was slipping from the couch, and nearly fell on the floor. He automatically rolled off of the couch and landed over her, his hand and feet catching him so he didn’t crush her, and his other arm tightening around her so that she didn’t actually hit the floor.

He gently laid her on the floor and repositioned himself so that he could stand without waking her, but he looked down at her face and his heart ached, and his blood rushed. He wanted to kiss her, but also drive into her at the same moment, and he wasn’t sure which one he wanted more.

He quickly climbed from the floor and picked her up, carrying her upstairs and to her room, trying to ignore how her arms wrapped around him and her breath brushed against his neck.

He was a soldier, he had discipline, and he just had to use it. Even if she was still the only one who had ever been able to make him forget about it.

He laid her on her bed, looking down at her again. His flesh fingers brushed over her cheeks, moving any stray hairs from her face.

He wanted to kiss her.

Badly.

He wanted to climb into the bed with her and, not just fuck, but slowly make her moan his name, otherwise known as making love.

Bucky pulled away and hurried from her room, quietly closing the door and going to his.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- The movie in here and the situation that surrounds it is actually how I saw that very real movie! I was like, wtf they playing this right now for?! Didn’t help that I was at my grandma’s house, either…  Awkward situations in this one, and maybe a little bit of fluff? 

 

In the morning, (Y/n) woke up and went about her morning routine of making breakfast and looking for a job. **  
**

She had to wash her clothes, as she didn’t have a lot that actually fit, so she had to wear Bucky’s shirt and boxers while she stood in the kitchen.

Bucky walked into the kitchen, but froze in the doorway.

Fuck- (Y/n) was wearing his clothes again…

After the tip show a couple of nights ago, when he’d fantasized about her in them, tearing them from her, and making her moan and scream for him, he was having quite the reaction…

He quickly walked to the table and sat down so that she couldn’t see his erection.

She turned as she heard the chair scrape back from the table and smiled at him. “Pancakes are almost done,” she told him, turning back to the stove.

Bucky couldn’t keep his eyes off of her body as she moved, leaning and shifting. He could tell that she had a bra on this time, and a real one, at that, and he wondered what it was that had prompted her to start wearing them instead of her sports bras now. And what it looked like-

No, he shouldn’t be wondering that…

She carried a plate to him, stacked with pancakes and eggs, and a few of pieces of bacon at the side, and sat it on the table in front of him, making Bucky have to stare at the plate so that he didn’t stare at how his shirt dipped down to almost reveal the answer to his questions. His eyes slid up her bare legs as she walked away, though, skimming over her calves and up the backs of her thighs like his hands wanted to.

He was in deep trouble.

He managed to make it through breakfast and went to hit the punching bag until his frustration left him a little.

Bucky heard (Y/n) talking from inside the house as she washed dishes and the counters, and wondered who she was talking to. He went to the porch and drank from his bottle of water, leaning a little toward the open door to hear her.

“Yeah, how did you hear?… Yes- that old pervert-“ She laughed at whatever the person on the phone said, and he felt warmth fill him at the sound. “Yeah, what is it Lance?”

Bucky stiffened as he raised the bottle to his lips to take another drink. Lance was a man’s name…

“Wh- well, yeah- no, not at all, only one interview so far… Nope, not good at all… Wait- really?!” Her excited squeal echoed out to the porch without him even having to try to hear it. “Wow, that would be great! I mean, thank you,” she said more professionally and laughed. “Yeah, sure, not like I have any pressing matters,” she chuckled. “When- yeah, yeah ok. I can do that. Ok, see you tomorrow!” She chirped happily.

Bucky set down his water and paced back to the punching bag and struck at it more, swearing it wasn’t jealousy that he was feeling knotting in the pit of his stomach.

…    …    …

“So, my friend from the gym called me, and he said that his sister’s gym is thinking about hiring a trainer, and he asked if I wanted him to put a good word in for me,” (Y/n) told Bucky at dinner, her excitement obvious in her voice.

He didn’t even glance up at her as he hummed.

(Y/n)’s brow crimped in confusion. “So… I’m going to go meet him tomorrow to talk about the job,” she continued with less enthusiasm.

Bucky looked up, noticing that he had caused her happiness to fade.

“This one might actually work out, since I have an in already,” she murmured to her plate.

Pain stabbed in his heart at the thought that he had hurt her. He looked back to his plate. “They’d be stupid not to hire you,” he told her and glanced up to see her smiling a little. “What time are you going to meet him?”

“We’re going to have dinner at this place close to the gym since I have to wait till he gets off of work,” she told him.

Bucky nodded, but didn’t look up.

After dinner, he excused himself to go shower and work on a few things in his room.

He felt extremely tired, and crawled into bed, hoping to get at least a few hours of good sleep.

 

Bucky woke later, but it was to himself having a panic attack, covered in sweat and chest heaving.

He stood and stripped everything off, throwing it on the bed and pulling the sheets off as well.

He grabbed a fresh pair of pajama pants and shirt and went to take another shower, trying to get the memory of blood, sweat, tears, fear, and horror off of him. He was in the shower for a long time, taking deep breaths and trying to calm down, but he could feel that it was going to be a bad day already, even though it was still the same night.

He dried off and dressed before taking his bundle of sheets down and tossing them in the washer. He was about to turn and go up the stairs, but he heard the tv on in the front room. He padded to the doorway and saw (Y/n) sitting at the arm of the couch, leaning on it and looking very drowsy, but also very awake.

He hesitated, but asked, “couldn’t sleep?”

She looked up at him and shook her head. “You either?”

“Did, for a bit,” he told her, looking at the floor. His eyes were drawn back up and to the tv. “What are you watching?” He asked.

“Some movie,” she told him. “I came in in the middle, but it’s really interesting, so I kept watching.”

He looked over to her, silent for a minute as he thought about the question at the tip of his tongue; he didn’t like it when people asked and wanted to talk about his condition, after all.

“What’s it feel like to have insomnia?” He asked.

She looked up at him in question, then looked away at a blank space and made a bit of a face as she considered his question. “Well, I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone, but for me- it’s like… Being really dizzy, kinda like when you have the flu and feel like you’re about to tip over any time you turn your head, and… as if you were so tired that you were going to fall asleep any moment, your head even keeps nodding and trying to get comfortable to sleep, your eyes sting and want to close, your mind doesn’t want to think about anything, but at the same time- you just lay there, waiting for sleep, counting sheep, thinking of nothing, listening to relaxing sounds, everything that has ever worked for anyone else in the history of the world, and then you look at the clock just to see that you’ve been laying there, still awake for three hours, and your brain is still functioning, like, so awake that you could fucking do math with no problem,” she rolled her eyes. “It’s ridiculous. People ask, well why don’t you just try harder to go to sleep? Like I wouldn’t get some damn sleep if I could.”

He smiled, feeling a little more relaxed, and like the feeling of dread squeezing the air from his chest had lessened.

His eyes moved over her body, thinking how much he’d like to hold her close. He bit his lip and looked to the floor, then back up to see her looking back at him.

“Do you want to come watch the next movie with me?” She asked. “It looked really good. It says,  _‘When sexy female private eye Sam Sharp (Monique Parent) is hired to find a magazine publisher’s missing wife, it seems like a routine case. But she’s soon out of her league – and when a corpse turns up at the bottom of a pool, Sam uses herself as bait in a seductive attempt to expose the killer,’_ ” she told him, reading it in her best dramatic movie announcer voice.

Bucky’s lips twisted up in a smile and he chuckled. “Yeah, sure,” he told her, taking a step closer, but pausing, his face falling nervously. “Hey, (Y/n),” he quietly said her name. She raised her brow and tilted her head cutely at him in question, and the sight made his heart flutter. He swallowed roughly as the need to hold her intensified. “You know- what your grandpa said…”

She kept her eyes on his, her brow dipping a little in confusion.

“About nightmares-” God, he felt like he was going to have another panic attack- this shouldn’t be so hard!

(Y/n) smiled and patted the couch next to her. “Sure. Come on over here.” He didn’t move, and she opened her arms, waving him closer.

He slowly stepped toward her, then walked over normally and sat down next to her. He felt awkward as she shifted around so that he could get comfortable laying on the couch, and when he looked over, he was glad that she wasn’t looking at him as his eyes widened in surprise to see her long legs bare up to where all but the very edge of her short pajama shorts disappeared under her baggy shirt.

Then he had to remember to breathe as she climbed onto the couch over him, her knees between his, and her hands on the cushions as she crawled up him.

Fuck- fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck- he’d gotten himself in so much trouble…

(Y/n) bit her lip and paused, looking up to his eyes. “You sure you’re comfortable with this?”

“If you don’t want to-“

She lifted a hand to stop him. “That’s not why. I just wanted to make sure, I mean, we’re not dating, or really super close, or anything.”

He should say no, bail out, he should stop this before it got any worse- “It’s fine,” the words tumbled out through his lips before he could even realize that he’d said them.

She nodded and let her body lower, her hips to him, her stomach, then her chest. The top of her head reached his chin, and he saw her face shift in consideration. “Ok, sorry if I knee you or anything, I’m going to get comfortable,” she told him, and he nodded, gulping to think of what that entailed.

She slid down a little so that her hips were between his thighs and her head was now level with his chest. She looked down at it and nodded, shifting to the side so that one knee was between him and the back of the couch, then laid completely against him.

He was aware that his thigh was against the warmth if her clothed slit, and that her stomach was pressed to him, and her arms were around his sides. He took a deep breath and tried to get a hold on himself.

“Am I squishing you?” She asked nervously at his breathing.

He looked down at her in confusion. “No, you weigh next to nothing,” he told her.

“Yeah, right,” she mumbled.

“You really do, I bet I could lift you with one arm,” he told her, chuckling.

She felt wetness starting to pool between her thighs at the sound, and blushed as she realized that his thigh was right there, and hoped that he wouldn’t feel it. “Guess I still just have fat thoughts sometimes…” She murmured.

His eyebrows pinched together. “You’ve always been beautiful, you know,” he told her.

She scoffed, shifting so that she could see the tv with her head against his chest. “You don’t have to flatter me, I’m already on top of you,” she tried to push away her feelings by turning it into a joke.

Bucky’s knuckle caught her chin and forced her to look up from the tv in the same direction of their feet, and at him. “You have,” he told her. “Always.”

His face was so serious that she felt tears starting to sting at her lids.

“I hope this works for you,” she told him as she laid her head down to watch the commercials playing before the next movie. “If not, I guess you’ll have to find a girlfriend and try it with her.”

Bucky looked down at the top of (Y/n)’s head, wondering if she would ever know how he felt about her, and how hard he’d tried to stop, but how very little that had worked.

He wrapped his arm around her, his other around her back against the back of the couch. 

Not for the first time, he wished that he understood what had happened when they had been back in high school.

Bucky bit his lip, letting it slide slowly through his teeth as he stared down at her, his heart twisting painfully in his chest. She was so soft against him. She smelled so good… He wanted to run his fingers through her hair and feel its silky soft texture.

He needed to say something quickly so that she wouldn’t be able to guess that he was thinking about her like this.

“Why are there so many commercials?” He asked. He felt her body jump a little as she let out a huff of laughter.

“You know these stations; one movie ends and they have fifteen minutes to fill before the next one, so they just run ads.”

Bucky chuckled and it jostled her a little, but she was too distracted by how his deep chuckle was making her feel; more than a little turned on.

Something about this low frequency must turn her on, because his chuckle was so similar to the podcaster that she listened to. Except that he actually spoke, whereas you’d be having a good day to get a paragraph from Bucky.

She remembered that he had been so confident and social in high school and her arms tightened around him a little as the sadness at what must have happened to him to change that surfaced.

(Y/n) felt her eyelids closing, but was completely expecting them to open on their own as soon as there was something to look at when the movie started.

The movie started and Bucky watched it, seeing the set up with the main character being a female detective that seemed to have a bit of an attitude, telling other cops to get out of her way and let her do her job, despite them being concerned for her safety.

And then there was a sex scene.

His eyes widened, but (Y/n) didn’t say anything, so he just tried to pay attention to the art of the shots instead of the brazen, full detail sex scene playing on the screen.

It finally ended, and he supposed that it did have a little something to do with the plot, so he tried to put it out if his mind.

A little more of the story came to light and it was hooking, making him wonder who was the one killing people.

And then there was another sex scene. Graphic and close up.

He mentally cursed and looked down to see if (Y/n) was actually watching this, and saw that she was asleep on top of him. He looked around for the remote to change the channel, but it was where she had been sitting before; down at their feet. “Of course,” he muttered, unable to move to get it. He looked down at (Y/n) again, but she was still peacefully sleeping against his chest.

The scene was over, so at least he could relax.

Until another one started.

“Fuck,” he cursed in a whisper as he felt himself stiffening against (Y/n)’s belly.

Somehow a channel showing perfectly good action movies had stopped their programming to put on a porno. Just in time for him to be trapped under the woman he’d love nothing more than to do all of the acts depicted on the screen with.

She must have heard his thoughts, because she shifted on him, nuzzling closer to his chest.

Torture- this was pure torture!

Not to belittle what he’d gone through overseas, but if his captors had used this torment, he might have thought them a little more likely to get information.

His thigh was right between her legs, and he could feel the warmth that he wanted to drive every part of him that he could into- his fingers, his tongue, his cock- 

Christ, her belly was so soft against him, making him want to arch his hips and rub against her.

She sighed against his chest, shifting her breasts against him.

Bucky had  _really_  fucked himself over this time- though it must be something along the lines of God playing a mean trick on him, because there was no way that (Y/n) could have planned this.

Bucky stared at the ceiling, putting everything out of his mind, tightening his arms around (Y/n) and sighing in relief when the movie ended.

The next movie was an R rated thriller, but nothing like the one that had just been on, so he was more confused as to what had happened.

Finally, somewhere between finding out about the bad guys having an evil layer in the side of the mountain and the good guy defeating them, Bucky fell asleep.

…    …    …

The sun shining into Bucky’s eyes is what woke him.

The tv had turned itself off some time during the night, so it was silent in the house except for the hum of appliances and his and (Y/n)’s breathing.

He stared down at her, his heart beating quickly against her cheek. He could almost imagine that this is how they would have ended up if she hadn’t been so crazy in high school.

She really didn’t seem that way now, as they spent most of their time together, even if they weren’t doing the same thing, and she seemed as well adjusted as the next person, or at least, as well adjusted as the next person that wasn’t him.

His fingers slid through her hair, feeling the softness as he looked longingly down at her. She shifted against him and he put his arm back down softly. Her still sleepy eyes looked up at him, giving a blink against the light, and his heart throbbed.

“Mornin’, doll,” he greeted softly.

She blinked up at him again, then put her forehead against him as she shifted around and sat back, giving a yawn and a stretch. “Morning. Did you get any sleep?” She asked. “‘Cause that sure worked for me,” she chuckled, and Bucky’s heart beat harder for a second.

“Yeah,” he told her. “Pretty good.”

She smiled and climbed over his legs to stand on the floor, heading to the kitchen. She pulled out things to start cooking and shook her head as she started measuring out pancake mix.

Bucky loved pancakes, so much that he ate them every day. Even if she didn’t plan on making any, he’d come into the kitchen and pull out the mix for her.

She tried making different kinds with whatever he had in the cupboards, but so far he liked the ones with fruit in them the most. She started cutting up some strawberries and tossed the pieces in flour before mixing them into the batter.

“Did you get your laundry changed over last night?” She called to him in the other room.

Bucky walked to the kitchen, pausing in the doorway.

(Y/n)’s eyes were focused on the pancake she was pouring onto the pan, and she licked the batter off of her finger where it had dripped when she sat the cup down, wiping her hand on her shirt, the other reaching out and grabbing a strawberry and lifting it to her lips.

It felt so insanely comforting and domestic.

Suddenly, he could picture her making the same actions while her belly pushed her- no,  _his_  baggy shirt out, smiling as she glanced over at him and rested her hand where their baby was growing.

Holy fuck- where had that come from?

Bucky stood from the doorway quickly and hurried through to the washer.

He was fucked up-

He was so messed up in the head-

Who in their right mind would want to bring a baby into a situation like this; two parents that couldn’t sleep through the night, not in love, him with PTSD, the ghosts hiding in the back of his mind just waiting to jump out and throw him into a flashback.

Not to mention that to make a baby, the two of them would have to do something that she wouldn’t want to do with him.

He pressed his forehead against the wall, his jaw clenching tight as he fought the crazy thoughts in his head. “You stupid son of a bitch,” he muttered to himself. “This is why- this is why she can’t stay- you’re already fucked up enough in the head, you don’t need more incentive to be crazy. What the hell would happen if you had a flashback, huh? You could hurt her-”

“Bucky?” (Y/n) asked from the doorway, a questioning look on her face.

He quickly straightened and looked at her for a second before his eyes turned away.

“Just… making sure that the dryer didn’t eat you, you know, like it does socks,” she told him with a strand of humor in her voice.

Bucky’s heart ached at her sweetness; she wouldn’t bring up anything he didn’t want to talk about, letting him be the one to decide it, and comforting him with a bit of bright humor to give him something else to focus on.

“I’m fine,” he told her gruffly.

She nodded and turned back to the kitchen, hurrying to get back before the pancakes burned.

 

Strangely, despite the fact that they had slept on the couch together, her nearly on top of him, the day passed as though nothing was out of the ordinary.

As Bucky stood to go upstairs to work, (Y/n) reminded him, “I’m going to meet my friend later, so I won’t be here for a while if you need anything.” 

He paused, his brow twitching in- not jealousy, he swore. “Ok,” he said as he headed up, pausing before calling back down to her, “take Steve’s key so you can get back in. It’s in the drawer in the stand by the door.”

“O-ok,” she answered.

(Y/n) grabbed her gym bag, thinking of doing some shopping while she was out; she might as well, since she was already there, and headed down the road to the closest bus stop.

…    …    …

Lance laughed as (Y/n) walked toward him in the restaurant. “You still carrying that thing with you everywhere?” He joked.

She rolled her eyes and joked back, “Well, I don’t have a purse, duh.”

She told him about everything that had happened as they caught up, and he told her about things with him, and at the gym.

“It’s really lonely without you,” he told her, making her blush.

“I miss working there, too,” she told him.

He smiled at her sheepishly. “Actually, I’m kinda glad that you don’t work there anymore,” he mumbled as he looked down at his food. His eyes snapped up to see hers looking at him in hurt question. “Shit- that didn’t come out right- I-I I mean that I have wanted to ask you out for a really long time, but I couldn’t while you had a boyfriend, and the gym doesn’t allow employees to date…”

(Y/n) relaxed a little into her chair, looking over him a little. “Is there actually a job?”

“Y-yes,” he quickly told her. “Of course, I wouldn’t want to lie to you to get you to go out with me. I just, I wanted to put it all out there, because- I do want to ask you out, and I don’t want you to think it’s just because.”

(Y/n) felt her lips curl in a smile.

“You’re so pretty when you smile,” he told her softly, a smile lifting his lips as well.

She looked down at her food, feeling a blush creep up her cheeks.

“Wow, that was corny, huh?” He laughed. “Um, anyway, let’s talk about the job.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Not quite smut, but, sexual situations? Awkward sexual situations, some secondhand embarrassment… And a pinch of jealous Bucky.

 

(Y/n) walked down the aisle at the market, searching through the fruit to find the best pieces. **  
**

Lance had offered to come with her, but she had told him that she wanted to do this shopping alone, and take some time to herself.

He’d smiled and said goodbye, telling her he’d see her the next day for their date.

She hadn’t really ever been on a date that wasn’t with Jason, so she wondered what he would have planned.

She was so in thought about it, and the fruit she was looking at that she jumped when her phone went off, and pulled it out to see a text from Bucky.

_‘Where are you?’_

She lifted a brow.  _‘I told you, I went out to eat with my friend, I’m in town.’_

It was a moment before the next text, and she thought that she had answered his question, so she stuck her phone in her pocket, but had to pull it out only a second later as another messaged buzzed.

_‘I know. I just got done with work, and thought I’d pick you up. Unless your friend is going to drive you.’_

(Y/n) looked up at one of the signs to remember the store name and sent it to him.

She continued looking through the fruit until Bucky walked up to her and silently stood near her.

Neither of them said anything, just standing in companionable silence as they moved slowly through the section, and she saw a lady nervously looking at Bucky, as though he were about to kidnap someone.

She raised a brow and turned to look at him, seeing him in his regular going to town clothes; jeans, his leather jacket over a t-shirt, and a hat pulled a little low while keeping his hair back.

He was standing behind her a few steps, tall and imposing, keeping his metal hand stuffed in his pocket and his flesh thumb tucked into the band of his jeans, looking around, checking the area for safety as she knew was a tick of his PTSD.

She looked back to the woman, who was now talking to a store employee, glancing over at Bucky as they spoke quietly.

Her eyes studied Bucky’s face, wondering what had set off the woman’s danger sense; all she saw was a handsome, if a little uncomfortable, man standing next to her. But, the woman was taking action, maybe thinking she was saving her from being abducted.

She had to do something that they could see to show that everything was ok, and she didn’t want to make Bucky feel bad, like all he had to do to be considered scary was stand somewhere.

She stepped closer and touched his arm, surprised when he looked down at her, thinking that he wouldn’t be able to feel her light touch against the metal arm, but, it  _was_  Stark technology.

She smiled up at him and held up a peach. “Do you want peach pancakes?”

Bucky was instantly more at ease as he looked down into her eyes. “If you want to make them,” he told her.

She looked over to the two, seeing that they were looking back at her, and flashed a smile before going about her business.

They got more groceries, Bucky saying that they may as well, and went up to the register.

After she put all of her fruit on the belt, behind his items, he scooted them all together, taking out the separator as the cashier started ringing them.

“But- I can’t afford-“

Bucky waved his hand at her, as he watched the total.

“Bucky-”

“I’m payin’ doll. You don’t hardly eat any of it anyway.”

She blushed and bit her lip. “I eat enough,” she told him.

He smirked as he dug into his wallet. “You should eat more, enjoy life a little.”

“Sure, and blimp right back up,” she said a little harshly, folding her arms and looking away as her brow crimped in irritation.

The cashier looked up at her, startled, the young man not sure what to say; his face openly showing the thoughts that he should say something comforting, but a glance up at Bucky showed he didn’t think it was his place.

Bucky’s eyes turned to her, his anger at her comment obvious in the crinkle between his brow. “You’ve never been a blimp.”

She looked up at him in time to see his eyes slide down her body and back up.

“In fact, it wouldn’t hurt if you had a little more something to hold on to.”

(Y/n)’s eyes widened as she stared at him incredulously. “Holy fu- Bucky, are you a chubby chaser?!”

He looked down at her, a look of surprise and denial on his face. “No.”

She stared at him with an appraising look. “Are you sure? You sound like a chubby chaser…”

He looked back to the cashier to take the receipt and told her gruffly, “I like who I like, and it doesn’t matter their weight.”

She dropped it, practically able to feel his discomfort, and they loaded their shopping into her bag as they walked to his bike.

 

When they got back to the house, (Y/n) was walking toward the door, when she stumbled over something and nearly fell, but Bucky caught her easily, standing her back on her feet.

“Thanks,” she murmured.

After a bit, Bucky went up to his room to try to get some sleep, and (Y/n) told him good night, but two hours later, he came back down to get a bottle of water.

(Y/n) told him good night again as she filled her own bottle with water before returning to the couch and movie.

She was relaxing and looking at apartments with her phone plugged in when her stomach growled. She set her phone down and went into the kitchen thinking about the kiwi she had gotten earlier.

She opened the fridge and looked around the drawer, but couldn’t see it anywhere. She looked again, this time looking on the shelves as well, but she still couldn’t find it. She wondered for a second whether Bucky had eaten it, but she didn’t think so, since she hadn’t seen him with it, and they’d been in the front room together pretty much the whole time until he’d gone to bed.

Her foot tapped against the floor as she thought over what could have happened to it.

She remembered tripping outside, and that her bag had been open due to being pretty full, maybe it had fallen out when it bumped against the ground. It seemed reasonable to her, so she went to the front door and turned the porch light on so she could see as she walked out.

The door closed behind her as she walked down the steps, seeing her prized fruit in the grass, nearly blending in. “Ah-ha, you.”

(Y/n) made her way back to the door and turned the knob, only to find that it didn’t turn. Her brow furrowed and she tried again with the same result.

(Y/n) sighed.

Of course Bucky would have an automatically locking door. She reached into her pocket, but it was empty. “Shit,” she muttered. She had taken her keys out of her pocket so that they didn’t stab her leg when she laid down.

Oh well.

She hated to wake Bucky if he’d finally gotten to sleep, but she could ask him to come open the door if she called him. She reached into her other pocket and remembered that she had left her phone on the charger. “Ugh!” She groaned.

Oh, the back door! Maybe that one was open, or unlocked. She walked around the house to the door that lead into the kitchen, but it was, of course, locked.

She looked around, trying to decide what to do, and remembered from a walk around the house that Bucky’s room was the one with the balcony, and thought that maybe she could throw rocks at the door or something to get his attention. Who knew, maybe it would work and he’d come down and let her in. It hadn’t been  _that_  long since she’d seen him come downstairs, maybe he was still awake.

She walked farther around the house, appreciating that the grass was soft on her bare feet, and picked up some pinecones, spending a moment looking up at Bucky’s dark room to find the best place before tossing them at the balcony doors. She heard them tap as they hit the wall, but a few minutes later, there was still no movement inside.

(Y/n)’s shoulders sagged as she sighed again. “Damn it.”

She looked up at the balcony hoping that maybe it was just taking a minute for him to get there, but he wasn’t coming.

(Y/n)’s head fell to the side, looking away from the door, and after a moment, her eyes caught on the pillar that supported the balcony. It was large, round, and straight up to the railing. There wasn’t anything for her to use as a foot or hand hold, and as she looked around, there wasn’t a tree close enough to climb, then jump, but…

(Y/n)’s face shifted as she considered her options, walking closer to try to wrap her arms around it, but it was too big. She thought some more, trying to think of ways she’d climbed things in the past, then finally thinking of  _Mulan_  and nodding, looking around to find something to use as her climbing shawl -aid, or whatever it was called.

There was nothing around, not a rope from a rope swing, not a jump rope, nothing.

She sighed and crossed her arms and huffed in irritation before looking down. Her pants might work… She shook her head. They were too stretchy, and there was no way she was climbing all that way with no pants. Her shirt might work, too, and it wasn’t like she’d be naked…

No, she wasn’t doing that…

Except, what else was she going to do?

“Come on, why this?” She groaned at the sky.

Looking around, and knowing that there wasn’t anyone around for a big distance helped, after all, she could climb up and then put her shirt back on before she knocked on the door.

“Ugh,” (Y/n) grunted in distasteful decision and stuffed the kiwi in her pocket before she pulled off her shirt. She walked over to the pole and threw it around, taking a couple of tries to catch it. She tested it close to the ground, not wanting to get up a ways and fall, but it was not too bad, and her shirt seemed to have good grip, so she started climbing, putting her feet against the sides of the pole and using her shirt to hold on as she pulled herself up.

She was almost at the railing of the balcony when her muscles let her know that they wanted to quit. “No,” she huffed, tightening her muscles and forcing them to work, her face contorting in focus as she got high enough to reach the railing.

She shifted both sides of her shirt to one hand and grabbed the railing with the other, shifting her feet so that she could use one to hold her up as she tried to get the other over the railing. She hooked her heel over and pulled, drawing her leg farther, catching the rail with her knee and letting out a breath.

Finally, something was going better.

She held on tight with her knee and hand, trying to let go of only one side of her shirt so that she could grab on with that hand and pull herself over, but while fighting not to knock herself off, she dropped what she thought was only one side, but it wasn’t the whole side, and she accidentally tugged herself back from the rail.

“No- shit,” (Y/n) grabbed the railing with her free hand to steady herself, and her shirt fluttered out of her hand and to the ground. “Great- just great. Climbing a balcony, hanging out outside with no damn shirt on- damn this night,” she grumbled, pulling herself over the railing and falling to the floor, landing with an “Oof!”

She sighed and looked around, glad that at least she hadn’t landed on one of the pinecones she’d thrown up here. She stood and kicked them from the platform before turning to the doors, seeing the closed blinds over the windows.

She sighed, hoping that Bucky didn’t sleep with a gun, and knocked.

 

Bucky climbed the stairs back to his room, hearing (Y/n) tell him goodnight again. A smile crawled over his lips, but he pushed it away. No, he couldn’t be finding happiness in anything she did, he had to get her out of here- but he couldn’t find it in him to act on that need.

He got back to his room and sat at his computer, letting out a disgruntled sigh. He wished that sleep would just come and take him.

He pulled up the script that he was working on for his podcast, and read through it, his body was getting a little excited. “Shit,” he muttered, quickly closing it after saving.

He needed to do something else; (Y/n) already had him getting worked up enough by being so close to him all the time.

He opened his browser and went to a site that had funny games and videos on it, trying to distract himself that way, but there was nothing for it. He was turned on, feeling horny for some reason that he wasn’t sure of, since he’d had release not that long ago.

He sighed and looked through his scripts again, but he wasn’t feeling the one that was almost done, and he didn’t have any others close to being done.

Besides, it would be a relief to not have to keep the presence of mind to remember to read stuff; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d just jerked off without making use of it as a piece for his podcast.

He opened the door and looked around outside from his chair, and didn’t see or hear (Y/n), so he closed and locked the door, turning back to his desk and grabbing his headphones. He plugged them in and pulled them over his ear, leaving one out just in case, and navigated the tab to his favorite porn site.

He searched, looking through the various offerings, but most of them were just crass, no story, no loving detail, just sucking poles or shoving things into holes.

He shook his head as a chuckle left him at the rhyming thought, and went to the tags list. He hovered over chubby, and BBW, but then his mind showed him an image of (Y/n), leaning over to grab the apples from the fridge and his shirt hanging down so that he could see the bottoms of her breasts and all the way up her legs to the edge if her ass.

Bucky felt himself stiffening, and shook his head. He had thought he was into chubby girls because of (Y/n), but she was thinner now, and he was still very attracted to her.

Maybe the (y/h/c) category so he could pretend it was her? He shook his head. No. Maybe he should search by act instead, think about what he wanted to do to her… Yeah, that was the one. What did he want to do to her?

Bucky bit his lip. Good God, what  _didn’t_  he want to do to her?

He sometimes imagined that she was under his desk, giving him a blow job…

He opened a cock sucking video with a girl that had (y/h/c) hair in it, but he was bored after a minute, and hit back to the list. Yeah, the video had been ok, and the girl was cute, but all he could hear were the sounds of sucking cock and the guy moaning, and that’s not what he wanted to hear; he wanted to hear (Y/n) moaning and screaming, calling out his name as she came around him, as he made her come again and again-

He knew what kind of video he wanted and typed in the tags he thought would give the best noises; pussy eating, hard fucking.

He found a few that fit his needs, and searched through the videos for one that sounded good. He had to go through a couple that sounded fake or exaggerated, but then he hit one that struck gold.

A moan filled his ear and he twitched against his loose pajama pants. Real, pleasured moans without all the bullshit talking was the soundtrack for the video, and he pulled down his pants and boxers as he closed his eyes, trying to listen to the noises as he pictured (Y/n)’s lips wrapped around them, parted and hanging open in an o, her eyes closed, her hips arching…

He stroked himself for a few moments, but he needed the visual stimulation as well, only, the video wasn’t that good of a position, just kind of sideways, but the sounds were great, so he quickly opened a foder he could probably get to in his sleep, and pulled up the photo of (Y/n) at the gym, her beautiful (y/e/c) eyes sparkling, her lips turned up in that smile that made his heart warm.

Bucky’s shoulders hunched as he stroked a bit faster, his ears drinking in the sounds from the video and his eyes devouring the photo on his screen.

His breath started panting out heavier, as he got closer, and he heard a few soft taps that sounded far away and unimportant to him, and his brain put them on the back burner.

Light spilled across his dark room, coming from his balcony doors, and he looked up in shock, seeing (Y/n) step into the room, saying something that he couldn’t focus on with the moans in his other ear.

“Oh, fuck-” He pulled his pants up and tried to click away from the picture of her as he pulled off his headphones, damn near throwing them at the desk as he stood, but as he turned he saw the porn video playing on the screen and quickly swiped and clicked at the mouse to close it.

 

(Y/n) waited for a moment, but there was no noise from the room when she put her ear against it. She knocked again and listened, but she still didn’t hear anything.

She looked down at the handle of the door and shrugged. What the hell could it hurt to try? It was probably locked, anyway. Her brows met as she found that it wasn’t.

“But, who’d expect someone to come in through the second floor,” she shrugged. She slowly pushed the door open and stepped inside. “I’m sorry, Bucky, I got locked out, and your house is so secure that I had to climb the freaking  _balcony_ , and then my shirt-”

A sudden movement in the corner made her eyes focus over there, seeing Bucky smoothly pull his pants up over himself, hitting frantically at the mouse to close things as he stood with a startled and guilty look on his face.

“Oh, shit-” She’d walked in on him masturbating! She turned her eyes to the door and held a hand up between her eyes and him. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to-”

She tripped over a shoe or something on the floor and fell on her face.

“Ow!” She rolled to her side, forgetting about the kiwi in her pocket, which had been on her other side during the last fall, but was now starting to split under her weight. She rolled a little so that she wasn’t on it and her eyes turned up to the only source of light in the room; the computer screen.

Her eyebrows met as she looked up at it in confusion. Was that a picture of her? No- there was  _no fucking way_  that  _Bucky Barnes_  was looking at  _her_  while jerking off.

“Uh- I- I-it’s not-” He stuttered.

She quickly looked away and stood, her eyes focused back on the door. “No- It’s fine, perfectly natural, part of being a human,” she told him, spouting things as she hurried to the door and tried to open it, but it wouldn’t budge.

Bucky stepped closer and she felt heat radiating from him.

What was he thinking right now? Oh crap, her shirt was off! Her cheeks heated and she chided herself. He’d never think of her that way, and even if she was the only one around- Crap! She was the only woman around! No, he’d been taking care of his own needs like, five seconds ago, he had no need for her body.

He stopped next to her, and her eyes focused on his arm, now seeming to box her in, until she looked down to see his hand on the door knob.

Oh, he was letting her out- of course. 

…Why did she feel let down at that?

She hurriedly slipped through the gap from the door and pulled it shut behind her, forgetting everything and going down the hall to her room and locking the door behind her.

Bucky’s head met his door. “Fuck.” He pulled back and turned to turn everything open on his computer off; he was not in the mood anymore, only to see the picture of (Y/n) open on the screen. “Fuck,” he muttered. What were the chances that she hadn’t seen that?

The next morning was very awkward, both pretending that they hadn’t seen anything, and not speaking, trying to let the other set the pace about it.

They were quiet and solitary, only awkward when they were around each other.

 

Finally, (Y/n) cleared her throat and told Bucky, “I have a date… So I’m going out for a while…”

“How are you getting there?” He asked back.

“Um… I figured that I’d take a cab…” Bucky shook his head, but she put her hand up to him. “I really- I can’t keep using all of your gas…” She insisted, and Bucky felt that it might have something to do with the night before, so he let her go.

…    …    …

For their date, Lance took (Y/n) on a stroll through the park downtown, stopping and getting ice cream from a small shop. As they walked down the sidewalk, he pointed out a museum and they went inside, admiring the art and making guesses about what the artists were thinking about when they were painting some of them.

(Y/n) laughed and had a good time, feeling relief from awkwardness, and actual happiness at being able to just have fun, instead of how weird it had gotten with Jason at the end; she hadn’t noticed how much she was focused on making sure that she didn’t do anything that he might mistake as something that he would say was her flirting with other people, or some other reason to be jealous and give her trouble.

Lance was sweet, he actually reminded her a little of Bucky in high school, and the thought made her pause, looking troubled. 

She shouldn’t be thinking of Bucky while she was on a date with Lance.

She plastered a smile on her face and looked back up to him, laughing at another joke.

They spent a total of about four hours together, and (Y/n) was surprised, as she hadn’t thought that it had been that long; she’d been having so much fun.

Lance stopped her at the cab she was getting into. “Can I escort you back home?” He asked with a smile.

She shook her head. “Sorry, my friend- he’s got this thing about security, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with letting other people know where he lives without asking him if it was ok first.”

He nodded in acceptance. “Ok, I understand. Um, but… Will you at least tell me if you’ll go on another date with me?”

She smiled up at him. “Sure, I had a lot of fun.”

He grinned at her, his thumb brushing across her cheek. “You really are super pretty when you smile.”

She blushed and looked down.

“I’ll text you about that next date after I check my schedule and stuff.”

“Ok,” she nodded and climbed into the cab.

 

When she arrived back at the house, she opened the door and walked in to see Bucky standing in the entrance hall, looking like a sullen child.

(Y/n) raised a brow to him. “You ok, Bucky?”

“Fine. What’s for dinner?”

“I… I’ll look…”

(Y/n) wondered why Bucky had acted so strange, but he seemed perfectly fine the next day, as normal as he ever acted, anyway.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra warnings and stuff: Sad feels… 💖💖💖 for Bucky…  Much comfort needed in this one. PTSD depression issues. Hinted thoughts of suicide. Seriously, if you’re having those thoughts, please get help. As much as it hurts to hear it (at least, it hurts me when I’m that low and I hear it), there are people who love you. (To talk to someone, in the US, 1-800-273-8255 )

 

Bucky woke up sticking to his sheets, his heart racing out of his chest, trying to find the threat that made him feel so desperate to escape.

His hand swiped over the hair sticking to his forehead, trying to get it out of his face, but it didn’t move. His shirt was twisted around his body from his tossing and turning, stuck to him with sweat, and the sheets on the bed were tangled around his legs.

Pressure and despair was filling him as the faces of all of the people he’d seen die haunted him, even in his waking, just after sleep moments, not only the people that were a threat and trying to kill him, but his squadmates, the people in the village he’d been in, trying to protect, bleeding and dying in the dirt- the innocent people, the good men and women- all of the people whose deaths he’d caused, hadn’t stopped, had stood motionless and witnessed as flying dirt and confusion reigned.

His fault.

All his fault.

Everything.

He was the worst monster imaginable.

How did he deserve to live, get out with only a missing limb and an amazing replacement for it, when all of those good people, all of the innocent people, women, elderly, children had all died, for no reason other than they were in the wrong place at the right time…

He stood and left his room, walking downstairs.

 

(Y/n) rolled over, pulling Bucky’s shirt around so that it was more comfortable as she sighed. “Time to make some tea,” she muttered to herself as she climbed out of bed and made her way downstairs.

She saw that a light was on as she got closer to the kitchen, and as she turned the corner, she saw Bucky sitting in the half shadows, his arm glinting in the light from the oven hood across the room behind him.

Her hand reached over and flicked on the overhead light, about to tease Bucky about sitting in the dark, but the words fell from her lips as the whole situation was revealed.

Bucky was drenched in sweat, his tight shirt showing wet spots that took up most of the fabric, his hair was messy and stuck to him in weird ways or spots, and his posture was statue stiff.

The scariest part wasn’t the knife in his metal hand, or the fact that he was staring intently at the inside of his flesh wrist and forearm, as though studying the veins along it, but the totally hollow, empty expression in his eyes, the vacant, haunted look that was more telling than any words he’d ever be able to say.

(Y/n)’s eyes widened and her heart clenched. She swallowed roughly as she stared at him, where he was still not moving or acknowledging her presence.

“Don’t,” she choked out, unsure why that particular word was the one that made it out. “Bucky,” she whispered, slowly at first, then at a more natural pace, making her way to him.

She stopped in front of him, looking at the knife to make sure that as she wrapped her fingers around the handle, just above his, so she didn’t cut herself, then her eyes were back on his face. “Bucky,” she whispered. He didn’t even flinch, and she steadied herself, feeling tears trying to well up in her eyes.

“Bucky,” she whispered again, then again, “Bucky. Please…”

She felt his metal hand loosen on the knife and she gently took it from him, setting it far away on the counter before turning back to him and wrapping her arms around his neck, her knee going to rest on the chair between his knees to give her a bit of balance as she lowered herself more to his level.

“You’ve helped me. A lot,” she told him softly. “You gave me a place to stay, and something to wake up for- even if it’s just making pancakes…” She leaned forward and pressed against him in a tight hug. “You helped me feel better when I lost my job. You taught me how to punch a punching bag. You eat all the basic, easy to make food I make and act like it’s so good that you’re eating at a fine restaurant.” She felt his body relax a little against her, and hugged him tighter. “You’re a good man, a good person- a worthwhile person.”

Bucky’s arms slowly and a little stiffly wrapped around her as he let a sigh out against her shoulder.

“And you’re funny, and caring, and kind…” (Y/n) trailed off, biting her lip as she realized that she was starting to list all the reasons she had stared at him longingly.

His shoulders relaxed more, and she pulled him up, directing him over to the sink and silently reached for the hem of his shirt and pulling it over his head before wetting a towel with cool water and running it over him to get the dried sweat off.

Bucky felt a pang of nervousness about her reaction to his scars, the ugly marks maring his body, a constant reminder of how bad things had been, the suffering he’d been through.

She was extra gentle there as though worried that it still hurt him, but gave him a soft smile as she ran the cloth over his face, and he looked down at her silently, not moving as he let her do her work, but that empty, hollow look was gone.

When she finished and put the towel down on the counter next to his shirt, she looked up at him for permission to give him another hug, and saw the pained twitch of need his eyebrow gave as his body subconsciously leaned toward her, then back, and wrapped her arms around him, pressing close against him with her head on his shoulder. “Thank you, Bucky,” she whispered.

His heart throbbed and nearly broke at her whispered thanks.

What did she have to thank him for when she’d just pulled him out of the dark?

Her shampoo smelled soft and fruity next to his nose, and he buried it in her soft tresses, his arms going around her.

They stayed like that for a moment, silently holding one another, but then he leaned down a bit more and tightened his arms around her back, picking her up as he straightened, and carried her to the couch in the living room. He sat down, and she ended up straddling one of his thighs.

There was nothing sexual about their interaction, those seemed to be the last thoughts on their minds as he laid back, still holding her close.

(Y/n) shifted a bit as she got comfortable against Bucky on the couch.

Her fingers starting to run through his tangled hair in a soothing manner as she felt him fall asleep. She sighed against his chest, feeling a bit of relief that it seemed he was sleeping better this time, starting to drift off to sleep herself, the soft sound of Bucky’s breathing and heartbeat lulling her with their steadiness.

 

The sun lit up the front room, waking Bucky and reminding him of what had happened the night before when he looked down and saw (Y/n) holding tight to him. His heart beat faster as he remembered how calm she had been through the whole thing.

It must be because she’d seen her grandmother deal with her grandfather when he was having a bad time.

He ran his hand down her hair, smoothing it a little, and she stirred, looking up at him with sleepy eyes.

“How did you sleep?” She asked in a breathy morning voice the went straight to his groin.

“Good,” he murmured.

She gave him a smile and started sitting up. “Good.” She stretched and climbed from the couch. “What kind of pancakes do you want today?”

He just stared at her for a moment as he sat up, and she turned to look into his eyes, but he looked away.

“Bucky?”

He looked up to meet her eyes.

“Pancakes?” She asked.

He nodded, his gaze moving to the floor.

She put her hand on his shoulder, then ran it down his arm to his hand, pulling him up and leading him to a different chair than the night before, the one facing the counter so he could watch her cook. “And then, it was totally not awkward,” she told him as she started pulling supplies to the counter.

Bucky looked up at her in confusion. “What wasn’t?”

She smiled to him, then looked back to the pancake mix as she started measuring. “Anything, Bucky. You’ve comforted me, I’ve comforted you. It’s what friends do. You going to tell me that you wouldn’t hug Steve on the couch after nightmares that bad?”

He looked at her in troubled question. “Not like that.”

She chuckled, and he felt warmth seeping back into his body.

“Yeah, I guess the two of you would probably fall off the couch; you’re both pretty huge for that space.”

And yet, she fit there with him so perfectly, he thought. “Hey, (Y/n), what happened in high school?” He asked quietly, and watched the sad expression come over her face.

It seemed that whatever had happened troubled her, too.

“Bucky- … I’d rather not- … Let’s not talk about that today…” She murmured to the batter she was mixing.

He nodded silently, and didn’t move for a moment. “Why is there a flaming o underground?” He asked.

She looked up at him in question.

“Because it’s a Hell o, hello,” he told her with a bit of a smirk at the bad joke.

(Y/n)’s eyes closed as her face contorted in humor and distaste at the same time before she let out a laugh. “Oh my god, Bucky. That was terrible.”

The smile on her face was worth it, though. Bucky smiled as he watched her cook, more warmth filling into his heart.

**…    …    …**

(Y/n) stood in front of Bucky, trying to keep her arms from moving up around herself.

She was wearing a shirt that was a bit baggy, as all of her high school clothes were, but that had a nice pattern on it, and a skirt that was baggy, but held up with her belt and all the extra, bunched up fabric hidden under the shirt.

“Is this ok, do you think?”

Bucky looked over her and nodded. “Yeah, should be good for an interview,” he told her.

She sighed in relief and plopped on the couch.

They had become a little closer since she’d walked in on him in the kitchen with a knife a couple of days before, and had an unspoken agreement that the couch was neutral ground, which is why they used it as the comforting place, sleeping there against each other when Bucky had a nightmare and woke up trying not to scream or have a panic attack.

“I’m surprised that you have a skirt,” he commented.

She shrugged. “I mean… I liked wearing skirts and dresses when I was younger, but I mostly hung out with boys because I got along better with them, and they teased me mercilessly about how girly I was and said I couldn’t play their games because I would get hurt and cry or something when I wore them… And then when I got to middle school, I started to develop, and tried again to wear them, but then they all said I looked strange, and it was weird seeing me in them. Because I looked ridiculous.”

He watched her face as she spoke and his brow twitched. “ _That_  is ridiculous,” he told her. “You look good.”

She didn’t look up, but he saw her lip twitch in a smile. “Thanks…”

They were quiet, surrounded by comfortable silence for a moment.

“What about for a date?” She asked.

He looked up at her in question. “Huh?”

“Is this ok for a date?” She asked.

“Why?” He asked, still looking confused, then realization dawned on him. “You have another date with that guy,” he commented.

She nodded.

He looked over her again. “Yeah,” he finally said, pushing against the thought that jealousy was the feeling resting heavily in his stomach.

 

Bucky drove her to her interview, savoring the thought of her bare thighs pressing against him from under her skirt.

He let her off at a small, brick building and told her to call or text when she was done before taking off.

He spent the time in the library, which wasn’t too far away, preferring the quiet and solitude, sitting in a corner with a book and waiting.

After about an hour and a half, he got a message from (Y/n) saying she was done, and left.

When he pulled up to the curb, he could tell what her news was by the huge grin she was trying to keep off of her face, but he tried to let her express it herself. “So, how’d it go?” He asked nonchalantly. His heart felt like it was floating a little at the big, pleased grin that grew across her face, lighting her eyes until they sparkled.

“I got the job!”

Bucky grinned back at her. “Let’s go get something to eat to celebrate,” he told her.

They went to an IHOP, sitting and looking over the menu. (Y/n) ordered a burger, since it was about lunch time, but Bucky, of course, got pancakes.

He looked up to see her chuckling into her water. “What?” He asked.

She bit her lip for a second before she looked up. “You eat pancakes every day, and this morning, too, you go out to eat, it’s your chance to get something different, something that you don’t usually get to eat- and you order pancakes,” she pressed her lips together and bit them again as she fought off the laughter.

Bucky smiled back to her. “I bet they’re not as good as yours,” he told her.

(Y/n) rolled her eyes, still laughing. “Right. I use mix, and they supposedly make them from scratch. I’m sure mine are so much better.”

When they got their food, Bucky waited until she had taken a few bites before asking, “How is it?”

She swallowed the bite in her mouth and smiled to him. “Good, yours?”

He smirked as he cut another bite of his cakes. “Yours are better,” he teased.

She rolled her eyes with a smile and took another bite of her burger.

 

Bucky drove them home, and they passed time watching movies, laughing and pointing out funny or incorrect things to each other.

“Quick, run upstairs! It’s the safest place in the house!” (Y/n) told the woman running on the screen.

Bucky chuckled, “No, there’s somewhere higher; the attic!”

(Y/n) laughed and proclaimed, “the roof!”

They burst out laughing, missing what happened next through their mirth.

“Cheesy horror movies are the best,” (Y/n) laughed, leaning forward and taking a drink from her water bottle.

Bucky sat back from laughing, stretching his arms out across the back of the couch. “Arguably the most entertaining genre,” he agreed.

(Y/n) sat back after setting her water on the ground, and it took her a moment to notice that Bucky’s arm was behind her. She glanced over at him as he watched the next scene, to see that his other arm was out too, and looked back to the screen. He was just comfortable, she reasoned. It didn’t mean anything. 

It didn’t feel weird to her, either; it felt really… comfortable.

They parted ways after dinner and went to their separate rooms, both trying to get some sleep.

 

Bucky woke, choking on his screams, tears streaming down his face, heart beating out of control. He stood from the bed and wiped his face with his shirt. “Fuck,” he muttered.

He had the undeniable need to see (Y/n), and he knew it wasn’t a good thing, but it felt like the only thing that would calm him. He pulled his phone to him and went to Steve’s social media page, pulling up the photo he wanted to see.

He sat heavily on the bed, his breathing a little easier as he looked at her. The screen twitched up and down as his finger moved over the screen, as though stroking her cheek. He stopped and just looked at the picture for a moment.

“Fuck,” he groaned as he flopped back on the bed.

He’d never have her. She had a date tomorrow with another man for fucks sake!

Bucky groaned again and stood from his bed, going to wash up in the bathroom before going downstairs, hoping to see (Y/n) there, but she wasn’t. 

She was probably getting some sleep for once. She didn’t need him to sleep, not like he was starting to need her.

He ignored the tea she always set up for him in case he woke up and she was asleep, and went to the front room, sitting on the couch and laying back. Maybe laying how he always did with her would somehow help. He grabbed the throw pillow she always leaned on and held it to his chest.

 

(Y/n) looked at the clock again. “God damn it,” she muttered, giving a sigh and climbing out of bed.

She had managed to get to sleep, but two hours later, her body acted as though it were morning; time to get up and go about the day. She had been trying to fall back asleep for an hour, but she didn’t even feel remotely tired, so she decided to go for some tea.

She made her way down and to the kitchen, but looked to the front room, seeing a light on. She went to the doorway and saw Bucky laying on the couch, gripping tight to a pillow.

She turned off the light and turned to go, but paused, looking over him again. He must have had a nightmare and come down here looking for tea, or comfort from her.

After a moment, (Y/n) gently took the pillow from his hands and put his arms farther apart so that she could climb up and lay against him, laying her head on his chest.

Her eyes closed and she let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

This was so comfortable.

She had no idea when she had become so comfortable with Bucky, but if there was ever to be any proof, that day had been it; having a good time at lunch, laughing and having a wonderful time watching movies all afternoon, laying against him to sleep…

She was probably getting as much comfort from it as him, truth be told.

 

Bucky woke up as the sky was lightening, not quite dawn yet, but not night anymore, either. He squeezed the pillow he’d held to his chest, but it felt different than a pillow.

He opened his eyes and looked down to see (Y/n) sleeping on his chest and his heart ached from how full it felt, happiness washing over him at the sight.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Thank you to all of you who are commenting, I haven't replied individually as things have been a bit crazy, but I'm still grateful, glad you are enjoying the story, and love you guys!  
> Jealous and pouting Bucky in this one, and… don’t hate me…

 

Bucky watched (Y/n) cooking pancakes, sparing a moment to flip bacon or move the eggs around.

“So, my friend… My  _date_ , god, it sounds so weird to say that, anyway, he wanted to come out here to pick me up, but I didn’t want to give him the address without asking you. It’s your house, your safe haven; I’m sure it’s bad enough that I’ve invaded it,” she rambled a bit.

Bucky’s brow pinched as he watched her back. “I guess.”

“I don’t want to if you’re not ok with it. I won’t give it to him if you don’t want me to. I can meet him wherever just as easily,” she assured him.

Bucky didn’t like the thought of her going out with this other man, but he knew he shouldn’t do anything to stop her; she needed to do her own thing and leave so that he could go back to not dreaming about her every waking moment that wasn’t filled with his broken mind reminding him just how broken he was.

He suddenly wanted to meet this other man, see what it was about him that was so special, make sure he wouldn’t hurt her like the last asshole had…

“Yeah, it’s fine. I have some errands I have to run in town later, but I’ll be back before you have to leave, I’m sure,” he told her.

They passed the day normally, sitting on the couch together and watching movies, with Bucky leaving for his errands and coming back in time for a late lunch.

After lunch, they were back to watching movies and enjoying each other’s company. Neither were on their phones, and when (Y/n) looked down at hers to check the time, she realized that the battery charge was a lot higher than it had been at this time since she’d come here. Of course, she’d been spending so much time every day looking for jobs or places to stay, that it had drained her battery.

She realized that she hadn’t looked for apartments in a long time, and she bit her lip, wondering if it was because she had lost her job, or because she had gotten so comfortable here.

Bucky’s hand touched her shoulder and she looked up at him. “You ok?”

She smiled at him and checked the time again. “Just thinking I’d go get a shower and get ready for my date; he’s going to be here in a couple of hours.

Bucky nodded to her, and she stood, making her way upstairs.

After showering and getting dressed in the shirt and skirt she’d worn for her interview the day before, smiling and managing a french braid that looked really good before she headed downstairs.

Bucky was still sitting on the couch, but he seemed a bit more sullen, now.

She sat next to him, checking her phone; Lance would be there in about half an hour.

Bucky’s silence was sullen and a bit distant, like it had been when she’d first arrived, noticing how things were so different, now. Usually anyway.

She wondered what had happened in the time it had taken for her to shower and get ready that had broken his mood, but he did  _not_  look like he was in the mood to talk about it.

She stood and moved in front of him.

Bucky looked up at her, meeting her eyes in question.

“I don’t have makeup, but… Do I look ok?” She managed not to bite her lip as he studied her face.

“You’ve never needed makeup,” he told her.

(Y/n) flushed a little. “Yeah, I know I’ve never worn it, but I mean, do I look ok without it?”

Bucky took a breath and let it out. “I just told you; you’ve never needed makeup to look good.”

She blushed as she looked to the ground, hurriedly turning and making her way out of his line of sight.

“Your clothes, on the other hand…” He trailed off.

She turned to him with a confused expression. “You said they looked fine yesterday.”

“Yeah, yesterday. Before you got, looks like ketchup, on them,” he gestured.

(Y/n) looked down in horror to see that near the bottom of her shirt, a smear of red had gone unnoticed. “Crap,” she muttered as she checked the time again, “crap! He’s going to be here any moment!”

Bucky watched her for a moment before telling her, “go ahead and change, I’ll answer the door if he gets here before you’re done.”

“Thanks,” she said, turning and rushing upstairs.

(Y/n) pulled off her shirt and tossed it to the dirty clothes, going through her drawers, trying to find another shirt that went with the skirt and wasn’t such a terrible fit.

As she held up another shirt, she looked down to see how it looked with the skirt, she saw that the glob of ketchup had apparently been wiped down and over the skirt, as there was a red stripe down the side. “Ah, fu- come on!” She groaned and turned back to the drawers.

She dug through them, and sighed at the only other outfit she had that was semi appropriate for a date.

There was a knock on the door, and Bucky stood and made his way to it, opening it with a look somewhere between glowering and brooding.

He looked at the rather toned, just a little skinny, man, his dark hair, dark eyes, and kind smile, and his gut tightened. This man looked good, nice, and whole- unlike him.

“Hi, you must be (Y/n)’s friend, or, uh, roommate, or whatever, I’m Lance,” he greeted with his hand out.

Bucky turned and held the door open. “She’s not quite ready yet. You can wait for her in the front room.”

Lance entered and followed his direction through the correct doorway, walking over to the couch and sitting down.

Bucky leaned against the door jamb for a moment before stepping into the room and going to his chair.

“So… how long have you known (Y/n)?” Lance asked, trying to be friendly despite Bucky’s glare.

“High school. You?” He asked.

“Uh, well, I started working at the gym about a year ago, so about then,” Lance replied.

Bucky noticed the way the other man’s fingers were twisting around each other, and felt a little satisfaction at his nervousness. “So, what are you planning tonight?” Bucky asked.

“Not much; dinner, and there’s an art exhibit downtown I thought she’d like.”

His hand touched the cushion next to him, and Bucky smirked, thinking of how he’d woken up with (Y/n) on his chest this morning. She didn’t even like him, but he had more with her than this man did. A bit of selfish pleasure filled him, and he sat a little straighter.

Even if she went out with this idiot, though maybe he wasn’t being fair because he didn’t actually know him but had seen (Y/n)’s last choice in men, she would be coming home to him, right into his arms, in the very spot that the man was sitting.

Bucky heard (Y/n) hurrying down the stairs and looked up as she made it through the doorway, his pleased smirk falling into a sullen pout.

Lance stood as soon as he saw her, stepping closer as a grin grew across his face. “Wow, (Y/n), you look amazing,” he told her, making Bucky sneer in disgust as he could almost see the drool running down his chin.

(Y/n) blushed, but smiled, tugging at the dress turned shirt a bit uncomfortably, though it went down to her thighs.

Bucky’s arms tightened across his chest. He was the one who had helped her put that outfit together; the leggings and dress that fit as a shirt now. He’d seen her in it first, and taken her to eat in it first, but this man was getting all of the benefits of his work. “He says you’re going out for dinner,” he said.

(Y/n) looked over at him. “Oh, that’ll be nice,” she said, looking back to Lance.

Bucky glared at the man’s back, then looked to (Y/n). “What will I eat for dinner?” He asked.

(Y/n) looked over at him in confusion. He looked like a pouting child with his arms crossed and a glare twisting his facial features. “Um, whatever you make, I guess,” she answered.

“You said you were going to make chicken and vegetable rice tonight,” he told her.

“I'll… make it tomorrow?” She told him, at a loss for why he was acting this way.

“But I was looking forward to it,” he grumbled.

“Then make it yourself,” (Y/n) told him.

“It’s not the same. I like it when  _you_  make it,” he told her as he slouched further down in his chair, and she would swear he was whining.

Lance was looking back and forth between them, seeing the confusion on (Y/n)’s face at the pouting man’s behavior.

“I’m pretty sure it’s the same no matter who makes it,” she told Bucky.

Bucky shook his head. “It’s better when you make it.”

“Bucky- for crying out loud- you’re a returned vet, act like an adult,” she scolded him.

Bucky’s eyes, dark and needy, met hers, making her belly quiver. There was a strong force of need behind them that was affecting her, even though she didn’t know what the need was for; he couldn’t want her chicken that badly. 

He stood from the chair, the dark look still in his eyes as he stared into hers, and now his large frame was messing with her mind, sending heat through her veins, pooling desire between her thighs, the desire to be pushed against the wall filling her mind, but…

Lance! That’s right! Shit, she had a date, who was standing three feet away from her, and she could feel her cheeks heating with want as Bucky looked at her.

“F-fine,” she snapped, turning and hurrying to the kitchen. “I’ll start it and show you how to finish it.”

Bucky followed her, giving a smug look to the other man as he passed.

(Y/n) pulled out a pot and threw everything into it for the rice and put a lid on, then pulled out a pan and stuck both of them on the stove.

Bucky walked into the kitchen, leaning back against the island, crowding her space.

“Why are you acting this way?” She asked as she worked.

“What way?” He asked, playing innocent.

“Like a spoiled child who doesn’t want his mom to go on a date,” she told him, turning around and giving him a glare.

Bucky straightened, his arms falling to his sides, and he suddenly seemed so big and dangerous, so purely male, that it was sending her basic instincts to thoughts telling her to climb up on the counter and spread her knees to welcome him.

“Let’s get one thing straight, doll. I definitely  _do not_  think of you as my mother,” he told her in a dark voice, stepping toward her and stopping mere inches away, his hand going to the counter behind her so that he loomed over her.

(Y/n)’s heart was racing, her nipples starting to tighten and tingle, and her body was questioning why her pants and panties were still on.

She gulped at the realization and turned away from him, hurrying from the kitchen back to Lance. “Let’s go,” she told him as she continued through to the door.

Bucky stood in the kitchen, glaring after them. He turned and went to the stairs and up to his room, tossing the door closed behind him and stalking over to the balcony. He looked out over his neighbor’s fields and the open space around.

He was fine without her here. He really didn’t need her here…

He’d lived for five years without seeing her, and had survived just fine.

He went back into his room and sat at his computer, pulling up a document and typing furiously.

It felt nice to have his house back to himself, he tried to convince himself, but there was an ache of emptiness in his gut.

When he’d gone through and edited his document, he got set up to record, determined to prove that he didn’t need (Y/n) around, but to who, he wasn’t sure.

(Y/n) smiled at Lance as they pulled into the driveway of Bucky’s house.

“I had a really great time,” he told her.

“Me, too,” she told him.

He smiled at her, his expression a little hungry as his eyes moved over her in his passenger seat. “Would I be moving too fast if I asked to kiss you?” He asked.

(Y/n) smiled, her cheeks lightly dusted with red as she looked down at her lap. “I don’t think so,” she told him.

“Can I kiss you, then?” He asked as he shifted closer.

She smiled at him and leaned closer. “Ok.”

Lance’s lips touched hers, soft and warm, and already, the kiss was better than any she’d had in the last three or four months. He let his lips just softly press against hers at first, then his tongue slipped against her lips, asking for entrance.

A pair of bright blue eyes, dark with need flashed in (Y/n)’s mind, and she pulled back, her cheeks red. “I- sorry…”

Lance shook his head, assuring her that it was ok with a slightly confused look on his face.

(Y/n) took a breath and gave him a small smile. “Can we try again?”

“Sure,” Lance smiled and pressed his lips to hers again.

This time when he asked for entrance, she granted it and tasted a hint of the flavor of his dinner. His fingers touched her jaw, followed by his palm, holding her jaw to him.

Lance pulled back from the kiss, his lips turned up in a smile. (Y/n) smiled back at him, and he pulled his hand back. “Can I take that as an indication that you’re open to another date?” He asked.

(Y/n) leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. “Yes.”

She climbed out of the car, waving back at him as she walked up the porch steps. She opened the door and looked around as she closed it.

Bucky was nowhere in sight.

She made her way upstairs and listened at his door, but didn’t hear anything, so she went to her room checking her phone and seeing an update about one of the apartments she’d favorited.

She bit her lips and looked back at Bucky’s door. She went into her room and changed into the shirt she’d borrowed and a pair of short pajama shorts, laying on the bed, still debating on if she wanted to look at the apartment.

On the one hand, she should be out of Bucky’s hair, let him get back to his own life, but on the other hand, she was drawn here, the beautiful house, the amazing land that gave her room to actually breathe…

The sexy owner of the house…

She looked back at her phone and swiped the notification away, making it disappear.

Bucky woke as he was about to shoot Steve in the face, and the tears running down his face were the same as they had been in his nightmare; profuse.

He panted as he laid back in the bed, trying to get control of his thundering heart. After a few minutes, Bucky got out of bed and went to wash his face in the bathroom, running the wet cloth over his skin under his shirt and down his arms as well.

He stepped out of the bathroom and his eyes focused on the door at the end of the hall as he thought about the comfort he found in (Y/n)’s arms and how badly he needed that comfort right now. He slowly stepped closer, his eyes never leaving the door.

He knocked on the door hesitantly, but just after, as though she had already been about to leave the room, it opened.

She looked up at him, and her body made half a step back. “Bucky,” she murmured.

“(Y/n),” he whispered as he turned away.

He was about to make some excuse and head back to his room when she said, “I was about to go get some tea… would you like some, too?”

He looked up at her and gave a soft expression. “Ok…”

They made their way downstairs and (Y/n) made tea as he watched her.

“You never told me when you start your job,” he told her.

“Oh, next week, on monday,” she answered as she poured the water into the pot to steep.

“Do you know what times you’ll be working?” He asked after a few moments of silence.

“About the same time,” she told him, “ten to five.”

He nodded and watched as she poured the tea, and they were silent as they drank it, him not wanting to talk about the nightmares, and her not wanting to push him.

When they’d finished the tea, she stood and rinsed the things in the sink before loading them into the dishwasher.

Bucky studied her with a bit of hesitation.

“Back to sleep?” She asked innocently.

He nodded and stood, turning to the stairs.

“Where are you going?” She asked in confusion, and he turned to see that she was heading toward the front room.

He turned and came toward her. “To the couch,” he told her as he passed.

She followed him and waited for him to lay on the couch before climbing on between him and the back, her cheek settling on his chest.

Bucky sighed and wrapped his arms around her, waiting until he heard her breathing regulate before his fingers started slipping through her hair.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Smutty podcast, angry “sex”, jealous Bucky, maybe a bit of Dom Bucky… OMG, I don’t know how I got through this. I kept nearly falling asleep while trying to edit. 

 

The next afternoon, (Y/n) felt her phone buzz and looked down to see a notification that another podcast had been uploaded.

She bit her lip and looked around, knowing that it was the afternoon, and not the time usually set aside for sexy things, but Bucky was upstairs doing his work from home job, and she was pretty much alone for the next few hours.

She quickly made her way upstairs to get her headphones before she could change her mind, stopping next to Bucky’s door and listening, hearing him talking to someone about doing a soft reset on their phone and making sure that they weren’t talking on the phone that they needed to do the reset on.

She quietly stepped away and hurried down the hall to her room, grabbing her headphones and going back downstairs.

She didn’t feel right listening to the podcast in the front room, and she didn’t want to go back up to her room to listen to it while Bucky was working, so she headed outside, seeing the stray cats that hung around sunning themselves on the porch again. She smiled at them and sat in one if the chairs, putting on her headphones and pushing play on the podcast.

_“Hey babydoll…”_

(Y/n)’s brow furrowed as she heard the irritation in his voice.

_“What, you think something’s wrong? No, baby, nothing’s wrong. No- nope. I was just sitting over here drinking my drink, not paying attention to you, over there shaking your ass in other men’s faces.”_ There was the sound of him taking a drink, and setting it down.  _“No- no, nothing’s wrong. Why would I be upset by you practically having sex with another man on the dance floor?”_

(Y/n) bit her lip, confusion crossing her face. He sounded like he was trying very hard not to care, but she could hear the irritation and a twist of pain under that. But… which was the truth?

Was he such a good actor that he was layering his voice so convincingly, or were these his true emotions?

_“Don’t try to act like you were doing nothing,”_  he said.  _“I told you, it doesn’t matter… Because those little boys don’t mean anything, that’s why. Just let me know when you’re done playing around and you’re ready for a real man, and I’ll show you what it’s like.”_  There was another pause as he took another drink.  _“Oh, you think you’re ready now, huh?”_  He asked.  _“I don’t think so. I think you still have a lot of games you want to play, so go ahead with those little boys.”_

His voice paused for a few seconds, but then came back.  _“You really think you’re ready for a real man?”_  He chuckled darkly.  _“Well, doll, why don’t I start by punishing you for acting out?”_  He asked, and his smirk was audible.  _“Let’s go. To the bathroom. Yes, the men’s room. Come on, doll, gotta take your punishment.”_  There was silence for a moment, then the sound of him taking off his pants.  _“On your knees, doll. Yes, right here in the stall. I know the floor is tile. No, you don’t get anything for your knees, this is a punishment. You’re going to be uncomfortable.”_

There was a little more noise as he finished dropping his pants.  _“Babydoll, you don’t have to tell me; I know this is the men’s room, and I know that we might get caught. Now, open your pretty little mouth… What’s wrong, doll, you afraid that someone will come in here and find us? You should have thought about that before you were being such a bad little doll and needed to be punished. That’s right, take my cock in your mouth. Uuuuugh,”_  he groaned with an audible shudder.

_“Let me get a grip on your hair, yeah, there we go. This way if you try to stop, I can still fuck your face. Ooo, mmm. Doll, can you imagine? One of those men you were grinding against out there, one of the ones you were batting your pretty eyes at, they could come in here at any moment, they could open the stall door and see you on your knees with your pretty lips wrapped around my cock- whoa, don’t stop, doll,”_  he chuckled.  _“That’s why I have my hand in your hair, remember? Now, they’d see me fucking your face, would that be better than seeing you just sucking me off? Letting one of them see me pounding into your mouth, the head of my cock hitting the back of your throat,”_  he groaned.  _“You want them to see you being punished? Want to let him see you taking my whole cock, between your lips, like he wishes you were doing for him? Mmm, doll, your mouth is so wet, feels so good… Mmm, ahh,”_  he let out a sigh of desire, and (Y/n) flushed at the intimate sound.  _“Mm, that’s right, doll, suck my cock like you want me to forgive you… oooh, yeah-“_  He was panting, his hand making audible slapping noises in the background.

_“Pull your dress down, baby, show me your tits. Mmm, I like watching them bounce- what do you think, think he’d like to watch them bounce as you suck my cock? Huh? You wanna give him a show?”_ His voice sounded a little harsh, like he was clenching his jaw.  _“I could open this door and give everyone a show- don’t try to stop, baby, keep going. I’ll only open the door if you keep being a bad little doll, so don’t stop. Mmm, yeah- god, baby, keep sucking like that- yeah, use that dirty little mouth to make me cum, ahh,”_  he groaned again, showing how close he was.  _“Ahh, suck just a little harder, baby- ugh- don’t forget those balls, yeah, in your hand-”_

An obscene moan passed over the headphones covering (Y/n)’s ears, making heat flood her chest and belly.

_“Oh, a little more, baby- yeah, I’m gonna cum on your pretty tits- cover them in my cum- yeah, oh yeah, ye- ah!”_  A deep, heated moan came through the headphones, a guttural growling of release following.  _“Oh, fuck, babydoll!”_  He stuttered and moaned for a few moments, then sighed and panted as he started speaking again.  _“You look so pretty with my cum dripping down your tits, doll. Look at you. Fucking delicious. Now stand up.”_

His panting was still audible, though he was fighting it to make himself understood, and he very much sounded like he was still in the mood for commanding.  _“Turn around and spread your legs, doll. Pull up your dress, come on, that’s right, over your ass so that I can see that wet little cunt.”_

There was a slapping noise, and (Y/n) jumped in surprise. Another slapping noise followed by a chuckle filled her ears.

_“You’re still being punished, doll. Yeah, I know, with all this slapping, someone might become concerned and open the door, so you’ll have to be quiet… What’s that, doll? Aww, did you bruise your poor little knees?”_  A harder slap came through the headphones.  _“That’s too bad, isn’t it?”_ Another slap. _“You should have thought of these things before you decided to go rub on random men, shouldn’t you have?”_ Another slap.

(Y/n) felt herself starting to get wet from the sounds, even though she jumped at every one. She had never been spanked; Jason’s idea of adventurous with her was doggy style, which still had left her without feeling much, but somehow, even this simulated spanking was exciting her, and she found herself pressing her thighs together.

_“Hands on the wall, doll. I’m pulling these panties down, no, not off, just down, to about… here, at your thighs. Spread your legs, baby. Farther- don’t tell me that you can’t, you know you damn well can, and you damn well better.”_  Another slap sounded over the headphones.  _“That’s right, now you’re trying to be a good girl. Do you think you’d be able to fool him with that act? I know you’re still a dirty little doll under that good girl act.”_  A loud slap echoed, and he gave a grunt.  _“Fuck,”_  he murmured.  _“I’m going to have a bruise- on my hand after this.”_

(Y/n) bit her lip to hold back her laugh, murmuring, “or your thigh…”

Another slap, and what sounded like he was harshly stroking himself again closer to the mic.

_“Oh, what’s that yelp for, baby? Surprised by how sudden my finger started thrusting in and out of you? Here, let me get two in there, you can take it, I know you can. Mmm, listen to that sound, my fingers thrusting in you so hard and fast…”_  There was a pause while he breathed heavily.  _“Fuck- You fucking love it when I finger you like this, don’t you? Pounding your pussy with my fingers- think you can take another one? I bet you can, I bet your pussy’s begging for it. Yeah, moan for me, doll- come on, baby… Take my fingers and moan for me, darlin’- I bet he couldn’t finger fuck you like this. I bet he’d leave you wanting just as much as you were when you started.”_

(Y/n) could feel how hot her cheeks had gotten, and looked down at the timer on the recording, seeing she still had quite some time left.

_“Fuck, a little_   _harder, huh? Yeah, maybe a little faster, too, that’s it, let them know how good you feel,”_  he growled.

God, his growl made her so wet, and (Y/n) was squirming in the chair she was on, her nipples tingling as they rubbed against her bra and shirt.

“Shit,” she murmured. She hadn’t ever thought she’d be into this, but this was so sexy, somehow. She could imagine fingers pounding into her from behind as she leaned against a bathroom stall- God, she’d never done that, either. She suddenly felt so vanilla and inexperienced.

Maybe one night while they were on the couch, she could just touch and try to convince Bucky-

Oh, shit- that was a dangerous and unfair idea; he needed her comfort, not her perverted attempts on him, and she needed to stay away from him that way, she didn’t want to screw up her only option of a living situation…

_“What’s that? Hurry up? Why? You afraid that someone will come in here and see you getting fucked against the wall by my fingers? You worried that that guy you were grinding against will come in and see you like this? That gets you another slap,”_  it echoed across the recording,  _“you want me to hurry up so you can go back out there to him?”_  He demanded, then chuckled.  _“You probably think I’m going to let you wash my cum off your tits when we’re done, huh? Not a chance, doll. You’re gonna wear my cum on you until I say you can wash it off. If you want to go out and talk to another man, you’re going to have to do it knowing that my cum is all over you under your dress. Oh, yeah; that’s right. You’ll have to wonder if they can smell it, or see it, if it’s soaked through your top, if it’s leaking down where they’ll be able to notice it. I’m going to pump these fingers into you faster, now.”_

The slick sound of his fingers pumping in and out of something filled the air for a moment.  _“You gonna come, doll? You gonna try to be a good girl by coming?”_  He asked as more thrusting sounds filled the background.  _“You better come quick, then, doll. I have a drink waiting for me out there and I want to drink it before the ice all melts. Let me just curl my fingers a little so I can hit that hidden spot of yours, yeah? Right- there, there it is, if that moan was any indication,”_  he chuckled.  _“Mmm, come on, my pretty little doll, so close, I can feel that you’re right there…”_  He leaned into the mic and his voice became a growl.  _“Baby I wanna feel your tight little pussy gripping my fingers and not letting go._ There _we go, just a little more. A little_ faster _, a little_ harder _\- come for me babydoll. Come for me right_ now _.”_

The growled order made (Y/n)’s belly and intimate areas clench as she bit her lip.

He was so fucking sexy! How could a man like that, that insanely sexy, just walk around in the world and not have women flying toward him like they were all magnetized?!

_“Oh, baby, you came really hard, huh? Bet he couldn’t do that for you. He doesn’t know how to give you what you need. Bet he couldn’t even get you off. Now, let’s get your dress all straightened, no, I told you, you don’t get to wash my cum off of you. I’ll take these panties, thank you, they’re going straight into my pocket. That way, you’ll have to feel how wet I made you, with every step you take, feeling where it dripped down your legs… You have to keep being a dirty little doll while we’re here. I might let you take a shower to clean up, when we get home… Or I might just throw you on the bed and fuck you until you can’t think straight…”_  His deep chuckle sent shivers down (Y/n)’s belly.  _“Depends on how good you are, doll.”_

(Y/n) sat there for a while longer, unsure of exactly how long, staring out at the fields, feeling the sun shining down on her, until a large body came into her view.

She looked up at Bucky, startled from her thoughts of him pumping his fingers in and out of her, her cheeks flaming up. She pulled her headphones off and looked down to her phone, turning the screen back on and stopping the podcast that the app’s autoplay had started.

“Whatcha listening to?” Bucky asked as he looked down at her.

“N-nothing! Nothing,” she tried to say, a little calmer.

He seemed to shrug it off and sat next to her. “What are we going to have for dinner?” He asked.

“Um, I hadn’t thought of that, yet,” she admitted, thinking, I was too busy thinking about you fingering me in a public bathroom…

…    …    …     

Bucky came into the kitchen from upstairs as (Y/n) flipped the chicken in the pan, and the giggle that escaped her lips made his heart leap. He looked over at her to see what she was laughing at, but when he saw her start to message someone back, his smile fell.

She giggled again shortly after her phone notified her that she’d received a message, and he felt a little irritated. “Who’re you talking to?” He asked as he sat down.

She looked up with a smile that made his stomach clench. “Hmm? Oh, Lance. We’re just talking about things that happened at the gym and stuff.”  

Bucky felt a little jealous; that was a time that she shared only with that other man, and he had no insight into. He watched her face as she cooked, feeling the jealousy grow in the pit of his stomach.

 

After dinner and watching movies as they laughed and spent some companionable time on the couch, though she was still messaging back and forth with Lance, they went to bed, trying to get some sleep in their lives, though they both knew it wasn’t likely.

Bucky laid on bed for forty five minutes before he felt the restlessness consuming him.

He climbed out of bed, unable to lay there and wonder if (Y/n) was messaging and maybe sexting that other man any longer.

He walked down the hall and knocked on her door without hesitation. A moment later, she opened the door, her headphones pulled down to hang around her neck.

Bucky looked sheepishly at the ground, questioning whether or not he should be bothering her without having a nightmare first. He was abusing her kind nature…

“Need some tea?” She asked, confused.

“No,” he murmured, wondering if she’d had her headphones on to hear Lance better as they had phone sex.

Her brow twitched as an uncertain expression flashed over her face. “Need… to go down to the couch?” She asked.

He nodded, though he knew he shouldn’t, and she turned, going to put her headphones on the dresser and coming back to the door to walk out and turn to toward the stairs, waiting to make sure he was going to follow.

“Sorry to interrupt, whatever you were doing,” he told her, trying to suss out to what she had been doing.

“It’s ok, I was just listening to- stuff…” (Y/n) pushed back the blush trying to grow across her face as she thought about what she was listening to when he knocked on the door.

They got to the front room and Bucky laid on the couch and waited for her to climb on and get comfortable next to him.

He felt a selfish sort of satisfaction as she fell asleep against him with his arms around her. Lance never got to do that with her…

Not yet, at least…

…     …    … 

Guilty feelings or not, the next night he did the same thing, though stopping short of knocking on her door and just making enough noise that she got up to come downstairs to see him already down there drinking tea and eating a few cookies.

(Y/n) blinked at him, sitting down and accepting the cup of tea he pushed to her. “What was all that noise?” She asked, squeezing a bit of honey in her cup.

“Looking for the box of cookies. I knew I had it somewhere, I just hadn’t seen it for a while.”

Like when he’d bought it, a couple of days ago when he went into town…

“Do the cookies help?” She asked.

“Help?” He asked, uncertain of what she was talking about.

“With the nightmares,” she clarified.

Bucky swallowed roughly, remembering that he was supposed to have had trouble sleeping, instead of not even trying yet. “Well… No. They just taste good- and- and kinda keep me grounded here; they didn’t have this kind where I was when- … when I was overseas…”

Well, that should sufficiently darken the mood, Bucky thought bitterly.

(Y/n) licked her lips after a sip of tea, obviously wanting to ask something, but trying to let him talk about it in his own time. “Bucky… I know that you might not want to talk about it, and I don’t blame you; it’s your choice, your decision, your… mental anguish… but, I want you to know… I’m here- if- if you ever decide that you want to talk to a civilian about what happened…”

Bucky’s jaw clenched. “What do you want to know?” He asked, his voice a little hard and full of warning.

(Y/n) looked up to meet his eyes, and he felt the anger leave him, flood away at the glance of those (y/e/c) eyes. “Whatever you feel comfortable telling me, Bucky. I’m not going to push you, but I’m here if you need me.”

I need you, a voice in Bucky’s mind murmured, and he shook his head, trying to force it away.

“I don’t need you,” he said quickly, mostly to the voice in his mind, his eyes focusing on his tea in front of him. “But, thank you,” he told her, trying to sound like  _less_  of an asshole instead of  _more_.

She gave a tilt of her lips that could vaguely be called a smile, even though it didn’t go to her eyes, like it usually did, but it didn’t matter, because he was still looking at the cup in front of him.

The mood was quiet as they finished their warm drinks, and as they stood, (Y/n) turned to go back upstairs.

“Wait, (Y/n),” Bucky called after her.

“Hm?” She asked as she turned back to him.

“Can I, can we…” he gestured to the front room.

She nodded and turned to the door that lead there, instead.

They got settled on the couch, and (Y/n) felt Bucky’s fingers trailing through her hair.

“(Y/n),” he asked quietly. “Do you think you’ll ever tell me what happened in high school?” He felt her stiffen against him, and his hand stilled in her hair.

“I don’t think you forgot,” she said, and he heard stiffness and pain, like blood crusted gauze over a wound.

But I don’t understand it, he thought.

They were quiet as they fell asleep, listening to each other’s breath and heartbeats, but lost in their own thoughts.

…     …    … 

It had been days since Bucky had had a nightmare.

He’d given up pretense of trying to sleep before he got (Y/n) on the couch, just telling her after dinner that he wanted to sleep on the couch with her the night after he’d woken her up by “searching" for the cookies and luring her downstairs.

“Wh-what- why?” She asked, her face glowing a cute shade of red that called Bucky’s lips to come kiss it.

He looked at the ground and up at her, working his puppy dog eyes for all he was worth. “I sleep better next to you,” he told her quietly. And it has nothing to do with the fact that you can’t keep off the phone with  _Lance_ , he thought the name nastily.

She bit her lip as she looked at him. “I-I…” He really did seem to be looking better these last couple of days… “Ok,” she told him, going to change into her pajamas when he did and coming back down to meet him at the couch.

…    …   …  

The couple of days after that, all he’d had to do was ask her after dinner, and she stayed down on the couch with him.

The night before she went to work at her new job was the same thing, and he was feeling pretty comfortable with it, not worried about the fact that he was sleeping with her on the couch every night and that their bedrooms were just holding their things.

 

(Y/n) woke up and climbed from the couch, over Bucky, waking him as she pushed his arms off of her.

“(Y/n),” he groaned. “Why are you awake, come back to sleep.”

A blush that had no business being there grew across her cheeks. “I have to hurry if I’m going to make you breakfast before I go to work,” she told him, heading toward the kitchen.

“But I’m taking you, you don’t have to leave early,” he called after her.

“I know, Bucky, you made that clear last night, though I don’t know what you think is going to happen to me if I take public transit,” she told him over the sound of her pulling things out of cupboards. “But look at what time it is; I don’t want to be late for my first day, and I still have to cook, and get ready.”

Bucky glanced to his phone on the floor, pushing the button to see the time.

Wow, they’d slept later than usual.

He climbed from the couch and went to help her with breakfast, telling her to go shower and get ready while he finished cooking.

She did, heading upstairs, and the domesticity of their situation hit him again.

It really did feel kind of relaxing- comforting, even…

(Y/n) came down in time to help plate everything and they ate breakfast.

“What?” She asked after trying to ignore his stare for most of the meal.

Bucky shook his head. “Just wondering why you went back to those clothes,” he mumbled.

(Y/n) looked down at her baggy shirt hanging loosely over her sport bra bound chest and leggings. “Because I’m going to have to work out at work? I’m sure you don’t understand, but exercising in regular bras can be… uncomfortable. And it’s not professional to wear super baggy jeans. And this isn’t my work shirt; they’ll probably give me one with the gym logo, but this is what I have, so, yeah.”

Bucky shrugged like it was no big deal. They finished eating and put everything in the dishwasher before (Y/n) grabbed her stuff and they headed out.

Bucky dropped her off, and headed to his appointment with his therapist.

“I feel like you have made some progress,” Dr. Bradley told him.

Bucky shrugged. “I thought you said that the nightmares would go away on their own.”

“Yes, but they stopped so suddenly. Is there anything that you’ve been doing different?” He asked.

Bucky fought the blush and shook his head.

“Hm.” It was obvious that he didn’t believe him. “What about your housemate? Have you spoken to her about any of this?”

Bucky again shook his head.

“Why not?”

Bucky gave an irritated sigh. “Not her business.”

Dr. Bradley wrote on his notepad before looking through it. “Have you spoken to Steve lately?”

Bucky shook his head. “He’s been on a mission for the last couple of weeks; unreachable.”

“And how have your excursions into town been going? Are you able to do it a lot more? Are you talking to more people, doing more things?”

“Yeah,” Bucky told him. “I have to get more food with two people at home, and I took (Y/n) to work this morning. She finally got another job,” he said, not noticing the smile growing on his face.

Dr. Bradley lifted his brow and scribbled something on his pad. “(Y/n) is your housemate?”

Bucky nodded.

“That’s good that she found a job… Do you think that she’ll start looking for a place to move to, next?” Dr. Bradley asked, noting how Bucky shifted uncomfortably at the idea.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- let me just say that being the boss is tough. So is managing people and clients who don't want to do what they're supposed to. And then my coworker got me sick. After I already felt so yucky I was sleeping 16 hours a day on the weekends... Anyway! Tail end of smut, nightmares, fluff!  This chapter is a bit short because I had to fit the whole part before the next scene into the next chapter... Look forward to it! 😉

 

Bucky sat at his computer, pulling up his documents for his podcast. He needed to record one, even if he wasn't really in the mood.

It was ok, though; he'd faked it once or twice, and he could do it again.

Surprisingly, though, he'd really gotten into it by the end, the scenario he'd set up playing on him.

"Babydoll, you're so beautiful," he panted, "especially when you're under me- oh god, doll..." His hand slid up and down his length as he thought of (Y/n) with him on the couch. "Ah, fuck, doll- you're so wet- so tight- ah!"

He was quickly reaching the end, but he hadn't started off at the prompt in the story like he usually did, so he was actually on time with the story. "Oh baby- oh god-!"

He was glad that (Y/n) wasn't home, feeling this orgasm building up to be a big one, and he was pretty sure it was going to be loud.

His ragged breath huffed across his lips as he tugged on his cock, his mind showing him (Y/n) under him, against him, over him, her amazing (y/e/c) looking up at him, dark and so full of desire...

"Fuck, you feel so good around me," he moaned, unable to even think about how much trouble he was in. "Ah baby, please tell me you're close, I can't- you feel so good baby, I can't hold back much longer- ugh! Right- oh god, babydoll, right now- babe- ugh- Dollface!" He cried out, his hips pushing forward off of his chair and into the towel he was holding to catch his cum. "Ah! Ah! Ah- ah- oh, oh, yeah... Holy fuck, doll," he panted. "Oh god... That was so intense... Just a minute, I can't see straight..."

He wasn't even going off of the script; he really couldn't see straight after clenching his eyes closed so hard as he came.

He blinked a few times and looked up to his screen. "Babydoll, you feel so good, you're so amazing and beautiful," he was still panting. "Did you feel that? Can you see me trembling right now? That's all from you, it's all because you are so amazing- Babydoll, forget that asshole, please stay with me... Ah god, please, baby. I have wanted you to be with me, in my life, for so long..." He was still panting, and he tried to catch his breath quickly. "Shh, babydoll, please just lay here with me. It feels like heaven when my arms are wrapped around you."

He hit the stop recording button and sat back in his chair, feeling all of the emotions raging inside of him, all of the unresolved feelings he had for (Y/n), all of the need he had for human touch- her touch...

... ... ...

(Y/n) had a smile on her face as she waited for Bucky to arrive to pick her up.

She loved her new job; it was a gym just for women, and they made sure that everyone was comfortable, clients _and_ staff.

She'd have to thank Lance for helping her with the job, even if his sister was only a client and had no real sway over what they did.

She pulled out her phone to send him a quick text, but hesitated as she heard a motorcycle tearing down the street toward her. She looked up and put her phone back in her pocket when she saw Bucky coming toward her, and waited until he pulled over next to her and climbed on, wrapping her arms around him after strapping on the helmet.

He took off and drove down streets and around corners, pulling into a store parking lot.

"What are we doing here?" (Y/n) asked as she took off the helmet. "You need clothes or something?"

Bucky shook his head and walked toward the entrance.

(Y/n) strapped the helmet to the bike and hurried after Bucky, catching up to him at the door. He lead her in and to the women's section. (Y/n) looked up at him in confusion as he stood in the aisle. "So... Um... Are you asking me to help you find something for your mom, or sister, or a girlfriend I don't know about?"

He raised his brow to her. "No, but you have a job, now, so go get some clothes that actually fit. So you don't have to wear the same pants to work every day, at least," he told her when she opened her mouth to argue.

(Y/n)'s mouth drifted closed. He was right; she couldn't wear the same pants every day. That would be disgusting, especially because she had to work out and they would get sweaty every day.

She instead turned and walked down the aisles and made her way to the activewear section, finding the pants close to her size and getting a couple different sizes. Might as well see if she'd changed pant sizes while she was at it.

On the way to the dressing rooms, she noticed that Bucky was picking up things from some of the surrounding racks.

She went in and found which size she was, which was still the same one, though it was a bit tighter now, probably from all that time off and Bucky convincing her to eat things that weren't as good for her diet as she should eat.

She sighed as she walked out and looked up to see Bucky sitting on a chair in the waiting area with a hand full of shirts.

"Here, try these on," he told her.

"Why?" She asked.

"Because," he told her, standing and nearly forcefully trading his hand full of clothes for hers.

(Y/n) sighed and went back into the dressing room, pulling on a shirt. She stared at herself nervously in the mirror.

"Let's see it," Bucky called from the other side of the wall.

"No way," (Y/n) called back to him. "It's too tight!"

"Just because it's not a tent doesn't mean that it's too tight," he told her.

She opened the door and stepped out to glare at him. "Too tight," she insisted.

Bucky's eyes were drawn to the stretch of the fabric across her breasts, even though they were in a sports bra. He bit the inside of his cheek. "Ok, that one is. But try the rest," he insisted.

Her glare intensified.

"I'm not letting you get out of here until you do."

(Y/n) sighed and rolled her eyes, turning back into the dressing room. By the time she had tried on the rest, with no insistence to see from Bucky, she opened the door to see him holding another handful of hangers holding shirts.

She sighed and traded him quickly before going back into the dressing room.

He insisted on seeing them again, and she reluctantly opened the door.

"Still too tight," she complained, but this time she was referring to how there was only one or two inches between her stomach and the fabric.

"Looks good, doll," Bucky told her after a moment, having to focus on not letting his eyes wander over her too much.

She sighed and turned back through the door.

Bucky insisted on seeing every shirt, and at the end, (Y/n) felt like she had tried on half the store. "Did you enjoy your private fashion show?" She asked, handing him the shirts.

He gave her a grin and sorted through the shirts, putting some on the reject rack and keeping some in his hand.

(Y/n) finally made her way back to the rack with the pants she was getting a few pairs of, whilst Bucky wandered off, and got some in the right size.

She went to the register, and saw that Bucky was standing on the other side, with a bag of purchases. She looked at him suspiciously as she bought her pants, seeing him pull a bottle of water out and open it to take a drink.

"That better not be for me," she said, referring to the bag that looked stuffed with clothes.

"This?" He gestured with the bottle. "It's mine. This too," he said, pulling out a bag of gummy candies.

(Y/n)'s mouth nearly watered. Damn, those candies looked delicious...

Even more so as Bucky tore open the bag and put one to his lips.

But she had to stay strong, had to fight the urge to eat unnecessarily, and something so sugary, too. She'd already lost enough of her progress, she didn't want to add to it.

They headed back home, and as they walked in, Bucky handed (Y/n) the bulky bag. "Here."

"I thought you said that those were yours?" She asked.

He raised a brow. " _These_ are," he held up the water and candy, " _those_ are yours."

"I can buy my own stuff. Why did you buy them?" She asked.

"Because you wouldn't," he told her simply.

Her cheeks heated. He had her there. "Because I don't need them-"

"Maybe I'm tired of seeing you wander around dressed like you think you're going camping- as the tent," he cut her off.

(Y/n) closed her mouth, not sure what to say. "Weird," she finally murmured, going past him to the kitchen to start cooking dinner.

After dinner, Bucky started putting the dishes in the dishwasher, and (Y/n) turned to the stairs.

"See you back down here in ten?" He asked.

"Not tonight," she told him, and Bucky's gaze jumped up to her.

"(Y/n)-" He started.

"It has nothing to do with what happened earlier, it's just that that couch is starting to hurt my back, and I have to be at least a little flexible for work in the morning," she told him.

"But I..."

"Bucky, you haven't had nightmares for like, a week or something. I haven't seen you have one since we've been staying down here on the couch," she told him.

His brow furrowed as he tried to think of an argument for it, but he didn't have one; he hadn't had a nightmare since he'd just been sleeping on the couch with her. "Ok," he nodded.

They went to bed, and Bucky woke in the morning to the sound of (Y/n) starting the shower.

"What the Hell," he murmured angrily. Now he wasn't having nightmares at all, after being plagued for years by them?! The one time they served him a positive purpose?!

He sighed in agitation and pulled his shirt off, going downstairs and digging through the cupboards to find things for breakfast.

If he couldn't make her lay next to him, he could at least make her stare at him all morning... he hoped. If she wasn't too busy texting that damn _Lance_...

Bucky mentally slapped himself. He didn't need to be jealous, that was stupid. He wasn't even going to try to chase after her, the other man could have her.

He really needed her to get out and do her own thing...

No matter _how_ he felt about it...

It would be better, anyway; he was so messed up that he'd probably never be able to have a real relationship, anyway.

He didn't know how they had managed to be in the same house for so long without having to deal with a flashback. Usually when he had one he'd wake up in the field out back with no real memory of what had happened.

(Y/n) came downstairs to see Bucky nude from the waist up, cooking pancakes and looking lost in thought. She bit her lip as her heart beat faster, wondering why he didn't have a shirt on.

Bucky didn't have nightmares for the next few nights, either, and (Y/n) was happy for him, always greeting him with a smile in the morning and making him pancakes with different fruit either in them or on top of them in a sauce.

He was just a little bit irritated, though.

He had no reason to bother her, or ask her to lay next to him, and she seemed happy about it.

Three days without nightmares later, he had another one, though.

Bucky fell onto the floor, gasping for air.

He was being buried alive under the bodies of all of the people whose deaths he'd caused as they screamed at him that it was his fault.

He scrambled up from the floor and pulled off his shirt as he walked out to the bathroom, washing off in the sink with a washcloth.

He rubbed his palm over his face as he left the bathroom, and his eyes were drawn to (Y/n)'s door.

Bucky tried to go to his room and back to bed, made it as far as putting a clean shirt over his head, but he was drawn to (Y/n) in a way that told him he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep tonight if it wasn't with her.

He pulled his shirt the rest of the way on as he walked down the hall to her door, hesitating and laying his forehead against it.

He shouldn't bother her with his problems. She was going to leave, and it was a good thing...

Then he could go back to pretending that he didn't give a shit that they had never gotten together in high school, that they weren't together now.

He sighed and knocked on the door softly. If she didn't come to the door, he'd leave. But... he should give her chance to actually hear him knocking...

He knocked again, and waited. If she didn't come to the door in one minute, he would go back to his room.

He waited for only a few seconds, then straightened from the door, about to turn around when the door opened.

(Y/n) looked up at him, taking in his haggard appearance, messed up hair, a hint of fear still surrounding him, his flesh fingers flexing and clenching, his metal ones trying to press themselves into his palm.

She blinked at him, and Bucky felt his stomach twist at her silence. He was just starting to turn again to go back to his own room, when she reached out and grabbed his wrist, his metal one was closest, and he looked at her in surprise that she held onto to it so easily as she pulled him into the bedroom and over to the bed, climbing on and laying down on her side.

Bucky stared down at her awkwardly, but she tugged on his arm, silently telling him to get into the bed.

He climbed on, laying behind her and wrapping his arms around her slowly, expecting her to object at any moment; sure, they'd laid next to each other on the couch, but never as intimately as this.

He felt her breathing quickly become regular, and nuzzled closer into the crook of her neck as his arms tightened around her.

He managed to get to sleep shortly after cuddling around her, but not long after that, the nightmares started again.

(Y/n) was jostled awake as Bucky started tossing and trying to turn with her in his arms. She heard the whimpering start, and realized it was probably a nightmare, and found her assumptions confirmed when he let out a yelp, and then a shriek.

She blinked her eyes, startled by the sharp, loud noise, and struggled to turn around in his grasp.

"Bucky. Bucky. Hey, I'm here- Bucky," she started stroking her hands over his face, feeling that tears had been running down his cheeks. "Bucky..."

He opened his eyes as tears leaked out, seeing her and gasping for air.

"It's ok, Bucky," she told him, her hands still stroking down his face.

Bucky sobbed and buried his face in her chest as his arms tightened around her.

He didn't have the strength to pretend to be ok this time. She had been in his nightmare this time, on her back on the ground, looking up at him, terrified for her life as he aimed his m-16 down at her. She'd begged for her life, and he'd buried her.

(Y/n) could feel Bucky's nose in her cleavage, but she knew that it wasn't on purpose, and wasn't meant to be anything, so she let it go, just stroking his hair and whispering to him that everything was ok.

Bucky woke up holding (Y/n) tight against him, his face buried in her breasts. Her arms were around him, and the soft flesh pressing against his face made him want to kiss and nuzzle it.

He pulled back a little and noticed that she was wearing his shirt. "Oh god," he whispered, feeling himself lengthening.

Bucky pulled away from her, feeling her stir.

"You ok, Bucky?" She slurred tiredly.

"Yeah," he told her, standing from the bed and heading down the hall to the bathroom to get away from all the temptation she provided.

He managed to pretend that it had been nothing, and (Y/n), it seemed, hadn't noticed.

That night after dinner and some tv, (Y/n) hesitantly turned to Bucky. "Do you... do you think you can sleep by yourself, or... do you think you need..." Bucky's eyes jumped to her, ready to tackle her and kiss her senseless if she allowed. "Because of the nightmares-" (Y/n) was having a hard time thinking of a way to put this that didn't make it sound like she was asking him to sleep with her.

"Yeah," he jumped in.

"Yeah?" She asked. He nodded, not looking at her. "Yeah- which one?"

"Yeah- I could use some..." He trailed off, looking away to the other side of the room. "Some comforting..."

"Ok. Um... but the couch still hurts my back..." Bucky looked up to her to see the red dusting her cheeks. "So, I mean- I mean, it's not like we would do anything, anyway-"

Speak for yourself, Dollface, he thought, repressing his desires. "Yeah," he quietly agreed instead.

With a bit of an awkward air they made their way upstairs and stood uncertainly in the hall.

"I- have to change and get ready, meet you at your door in fifteen?" He asked.

She nodded and went to the bathroom to do her nightly cleansing routine while he changed, then went down to her room and changed, passing him as he went to wash up himself.

After a few moments of waiting nervously, Bucky knocked on the door and she answered it, opening the door and letting him walk past her.

He stood next to the bed and waited for her to come to him.

They left the door open, as though that would stop anything from happening if it was going to; there wasn't even anyone else there to walk by and check on them.

Bucky let (Y/n) get comfortable first, then climbed on, laying behind her and cuddling close, brushing off the gasp he thought he heard her make as a yawn and wrapping his arms securely around her.

(Y/n)'s thoughts were all dirty as Bucky held her; wiggling her ass against him, turning and throwing her leg over his, letting her hands slide over his sexy body and seeing if she could convince him to think of her as sexy, too.

She really wanted him...

She hadn't even thought of her podcaster in so long that she didn't even realize that he was late getting out a cast until it was the last day of her work week, and even then, she wasn't that worried about it; how could she be when she had her dream man holding her close every night?

... ... ...

(Y/n) flipped the hamburgers in the pan in front of her again, trying to get them evenly cooked.

Bucky came up behind her and looked over her shoulder. "I'm tellin' ya doll, they're better from the grill."

"I told you, I haven't used a charcoal grill before, only gas," she told him.

He shrugged and his shoulder brushed against her back, making electricity shoot along her spine. "I coulda done it."

"But you didn't," she said. "You were doing some stuff upstairs."

Bucky shrugged again. "Coulda been patient," he told her.

He had planned to do the grilling, but he had been so busy editing the piece for his podcast because he realized that he had slipped and moaned out "dollface" which was something he only ever referred to (Y/n) as, albeit secretly, and wanted to take it out, but because it was right as he orgasmed, he couldn't find a way to cut it out without a weird jump in the audio.

Finally, he just rationalized that she probably didn't listen to the podcast, and even if she did, she'd never find out he had moaned to her in particular because he hadn't said a name, and he'd never called her dollface to her face, aside from which, she didn't know, and would have no way of knowing that he was the podcaster who had said it. So he'd set it up to automatically upload the next day.

(Y/n) shrugged. "Or you can just deal with these burgers," she told him, with a teasing half glare.

Bucky had the urge to lean just a bit closer and kiss her, as though they were truly in domestic bliss, instead of rebuilding a sort of friendship after hating one another for years.

He stepped back and went to the cupboard to get plates and cups instead, trying to push his urges away.

As they sat on the couch after eating, Bucky looked over to see (Y/n) messaging on her phone, and jealousy started to nestle itself in the pit of his stomach again.

"(Y/n)," he said to get her attention. She looked up at him in question. "Tonight... is it ok if I... stay with you again?" He asked.

She looked away as a blush grew up her cheeks, but nodded.

That night, Bucky fell asleep holding (Y/n) in his arms as she slept, his fingers running through her hair and trying not to think of how much he wanted to kiss her.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Enjoy

 

(Y/n) looked at the text message from Lance again.

_'Do you want to go out on Wednesday? I'm sorry, I'd ask you out on the weekend, but I pulled the weekend shifts. There's a lot of trying to keep up with demand without you here. :('_

(Y/n) could feel the pressure in her stomach; this was going to be a third date...

Isn't that classically when sex would happen, or was at least a good possibility?

She felt her stomach flutter with nerves as she finished plating lunch and sat it on the table. Her phone went off and she picked it up to see another message from Lance.

_'Did I go too fast?'_

(Y/n) realized that it had been about six hours since she'd gotten the first text and still hadn't replied. She felt bad that he was worried about that, after all, he was being very nice; it was _her_ issues that were making it a problem.

_'No,'_ she quickly messaged back. _'I just have been kinda busy. I'm not sure if I'm free, let me check what's going on that day,'_ she added after realizing that her previous no could have meant anything.

She sighed in relief when she got back an 'ok' with a smiley face.

Bucky came in from the front room, seeing (Y/n) sit down at the table with a worried look on her face. He sat and watched her, wondering if she'd share whatever was bothering her, but she didn't.

After lunch, he found a cheesy horror movie and they laughed through it, making him feel a little better, but he noticed that she still had a distracted look about her.

(Y/n) looked down at her phone when it pinged with a notification, worried that Lance was messaging her again, even though it was the wrong noise, but saw that the notification was that her favorite podcaster had uploaded another episode.

She looked back to the tv, swiping the notification away.

Bucky nudged her with his knee, still looking at the screen. "If there were a rulebook, or a guide to surviving a horror movie, or something, these guys would be breaking every rule," he said.

She laughed and elbowed him, softly, since she was on the side with his metal arm. "If there were such a book and they actually followed its directions, it would be a super short movie; there was this cabin in the middle of nowhere that was obviously full of ghosts. So we turned around and went home, 'cause screw that!" She laughed.

He smiled at her, and (Y/n) felt her heart skip a beat, then throb at the sight. His arm was on the back of the couch, and she realized that it was around her, kind of, but not touching her. She blushed, and turned back to the tv to hide it.

He was certainly not doing it to have his arm around her; he was just comfortable on his own couch in his own house.

They finished watching the movie, and a while later, (Y/n) stood from the couch, unable to bear her heart throbbing at every move Bucky made, since his body was so close to hers that she could feel the heat coming from him. "I'm going to go start on some dinner," she told him.

She went into the kitchen and looked through what there was, deciding to make a hamburger steak and potatoes with gravy, putting the hamburgers in a pan to start cooking while she cooked some potatoes and started some water boiling for the vegetables.

After flipping the burgers and draining and starting to mash the potatoes, Bucky came in and stood at the island next to where she was working for a moment, then walked outside, telling her he was going to go hit the bag.

"Now to chop up some mushrooms and, um... maybe... carrots? No. That would be weird in a gravy- oh! Onions. Some onions, too," she said to herself as she pulled the things out of the fridge and started cutting them up. She put the potatoes to the side and pulled the hamburgers from the pan, tossing in the mushrooms and onions when she finished them, stirring it and adding some water and a brown gravy packet. She tossed the vegetables into the boiling water and looked outside through the open glass doors as she waited for everything to cook.

Bucky punched the bag hanging from the tree, and she couldn't help but admire the way his flesh shoulder bunched and stretched as he moved it, the way his metal arm imitated the movements of his flesh arm, and the way his abs and back flexed.

He stepped back from the bag and (Y/n) quickly straightened from her leaning position against the counter, and turned to the stove taking the finished things from it and starting to fill the two plates, giving Bucky most of the potatoes and only taking a little for herself, and putting the mushrooms and onions on the hamburgers, then pouring the gravy over them and the potatoes. She was straining the vegetables and putting them on the plate when Bucky came in and headed up to take a shower quickly. (Y/n) set the plates on the table and got a drink before sitting down and starting on her food, knowing he'd be down soon.

Bucky came back down soon after, wearing his jeans and a tight t-shirt that made (Y/n)'s breath speed up. He sat and took a bite of the food. "(Y/n)- this is delicious," he told her, a little surprised at just _how_ delicious it was.

"Thanks," she told him, standing and putting her dishes in the dishwasher and sitting back down at the table while Bucky ate.

She looked at her phone and pulled up the message from Lance, feeling the nervousness filling her belly again.

Bucky watched (Y/n) poke at the screen of her phone indecisively. "What are you worrying about?" He asked.

"I'm not worrying," she told him, "I'm just thinking."

"Fine. What are you thinking about, then?" He asked.

"Just... I don't want to say... You'll make fun of me..." She mumbled.

Bucky pushed his plate to the side and leaned closer on the table. "I'd never make fun of you, doll," he told her seriously.

She looked up at him with an accusing expression. "Sure," she said sarcastically, her voice sharing the accusation of her look as she thought about his joke in high school.

He reached across the table and put his hand on hers. " _Never_ , doll."

She looked away and took a deep breath. "Ok..." she murmured softly. "Can I ask you something, then?"

He nodded to her, but she was quiet for another moment. "You... you have a bit of experience with... with sex and dating, right?"

Bucky gulped. "Yeah..."

"Do you... I'm nervous..."

"Why?" He asked.

"Well, I- L-Lance asked me... He asked me on another date." She felt Bucky's hand tighten slightly on hers.

"So?" He tried to sound nonchalant instead of possessive.

"So- isn't the third date the one when you have sex?" She asked.

Bucky's brow twitched and his eyes narrowed while his jaw clenched. "You don't have to-"

(Y/n) pulled her hand from his and took his plate, going to put it in the dishwasher. "I know, it's not like I'm expecting to, just that this is generally when things like that are considered, isn't it?"

Bucky's glare hardened. "(Y/n), don't let him push you into anything you're not ready for."

(Y/n) sighed and went back to the table to grab her phone. "I know, I don't think that Lance would do anything like that."

Bucky's eyes traveled up her leggings, her long, slightly baggy button up shirt, her beautiful makeup free face and untamed hair... and didn't see how he wouldn't at least try. He stood and quickly moved around the table to stand in front of her. "You can always say no. No one can make you do that."

"I know," (Y/n) sighed in frustration. "It's just, what Jason said about me- I mean, it's not that I don't want to have sex- but I'm apparently terrible in bed, and it's making me nervous that, if it comes up..."

"He was an asshole, don't believe a word he said. I'm certain that they were all _his_ shortcomings- and-" Bucky looked down into (Y/n)'s gorgeous (y/e/c) eyes, his hand making its way up to tangle in the hair at the back of her head. "(Y/n), you can _always_ tell _anyone_ no," he told her, his voice getting softer as he got closer, his lips lining up with hers.

(Y/n) stared up into his eyes, her breath hesitating to leave her chest as he got closer. The need to feel Bucky's lips against hers grew in her chest, stronger than anything she'd ever felt before, and her neck easily moved as he tilted her head back and kissed her.

His lips touched hers, softly at first, but they quickly grew harsh, pressing hard against hers with the hunger of a starving man.

(Y/n) felt Bucky roughly nip her bottom lip, and she gasped in shock, making way for his tongue to invade her mouth and taste her.

Bucky's hands held her tight against him as his mouth devoured hers, dragging a soft moan from her as her hands moved up to rest on his shoulders.

His hand tightened in her hair, making her gasp as her head tilted further back, letting him have space to attack her neck with hungry kisses, leaving a wet trail of need down her throat. His hot, panted breath blew over it as he ran his tongue back up her throat to her lips, his kiss still full of hunger and need.

Bucky was losing his mental capacity at the flavor of (Y/n)'s lips as his tongue roved through her mouth.

Fuck- He needed her so badly. It wasn't just longing anymore; he _needed_ to feel her warmth against him, and there she stood, her hands sliding up the back of his neck to bury her fingers in his hair, her body so close to his, her warmth hiding just out of his reach- he just needed to get a little closer...

Bucky's hands traveled down (Y/n)'s sides, pulling her even tighter against him, making him let out a moan into her mouth as his cock pressed against her softness. They made it to her hips, squeezing and pulling them closer to grind against her, then grabbed her thighs and lifted her to the table, sitting her on it and pulling her against him as his mouth took hers.

(Y/n) could feel desperation in the kiss and the way their hands and bodies moved against each other, a shared desperation to get as close as possible. Her hands slid down his chest to the hem of his tight shirt and pulled it up.

Bucky pulled back for a moment to let her tug his shirt off, his lips going back to hers as he started unbuttoning her shirt, laying repeated kisses against her lips as he worked, then trailing down her throat and chest as his hands moved down.

When he'd gotten down far enough to expose her bra covered breasts and down to her belly button, his hands dove into the opening, sliding up (Y/n)'s back, the tips of his metal fingers and the nails of his flesh hand dragging back down and around her sides, then his hands moved up to cup her breasts while he sucked light marks onto the soft skin of her throat.

(Y/n) moaned, giving a high pitched sigh as her breasts pushed into the palms of Bucky's hands and his lips trailed back to the tops of them.

He let out a groan as he nipped at them, his hand snaking back behind her to unhook her bra. (Y/n)'s hands left him as she reached up the sleeves of her shirt and pulled her bra straps off, letting Bucky grab the contraption and hurl it behind him.

"Fuck," he sighed breathlessly as he looked down at her bare breasts.

(Y/n) flushed, embarrassed that he was staring at her body, her breasts that she felt insecure about with the light stretch marks from when she was fat maring their supposed appeal.

She looked down, her hands hesitating on their way back up his shoulders and starting to go back to cover herself, but his hands slid around her back and pulled her towards him, making her back arch as he lowered his head to capture a nipple with his lips.

(Y/n) was struck by an instant zing of pleasure, shooting straight from where his lips were wrapped around her nipple to her core and radiating out through the rest of her body. She gasped, then let out a moan that echoed back to Bucky's ears as his hand moved up to give attention to her lonely breast, pinching and rolling the nipple and massaging the soft skin around it.

(Y/n)'s fingers tightened in Bucky's hair, holding him against her breast as her body arched and tried to get friction from his.

He dragged his teeth over her nipple as he moved to switch his position, with his mouth on the other nipple and his hands switching places so that his fingers were over the tight little bud his mouth had just left.

"Bucky..." (Y/n) sighed his name, and he groaned against the soft, tender flesh his nose was pressed into while his hips tried to grind against her, but ended up pressing against the edge of the table.

Bucky's hands traveled back down her body, groping at her hips and fingers hooking on the band of her pants and underwear, pulling them down a little at a time, but pausing frequently to grope and press against her.

Finally, he got them over the curve of her ass, and pulled them down, getting one leg free so that they hung from her other calf, baring her to him.

His hands moved back up to her hips, his fingers digging in as he pulled her to the edge of the table, needing to be closer, then one hand went back to her breasts.

Bucky broke the kiss to look down at her, but the shirt was in the way. In his need to see her, the hand inside her shirt pulled at it too hard, and the bottom few buttons popped free to let the fabric hang open.

Bucky groaned in need as he looked down at her bare pussy, watching as his jean clad bulge pressed against it before kissing her again.

Bucky's fingers teased (Y/n), sending electric tingles through her as they slid over her skin.

"Fuck, (Y/n)- God, you're so beautiful," he groaned to her quietly when he took his lips from hers.

She blushed and looked up across the few inches into his eyes, his gorgeous, insanely sexy body hovering so close to her, and the fingers of one hand buried themselves in his hair as the other gripped his bicep. "You- you are, too," she gasped.

He pulled back farther, his eyes showing the question he had in his heart, but it quickly left, seeing the bright look of admiration as she looked at him. She really thought he was beautiful. "Even with this?" He whispered, his head twitching toward his metal arm.

She let out a soft puff of laughter and leaned forward, dropping a kiss against his metal shoulder.

Bucky felt his heart racing against his ribs, and his fingers caught her chin, turning her lips back up to his. His lips and tongue were soft for a moment, but the desperation his body felt for hers was soon back, consuming him as he pressed and ground his hips into hers.

(Y/n)'s hands slid up the back of his neck, through his hair, along his shoulders, down what she could reach of his back, everywhere they could touch, the feeling of his hot, muscled body pressing against her making her temperature rise.

She let out a whimper as Bucky's hips pressed against hers, his jean covered stiffness pressing and rubbing against where her clit was hidden.

Bucky's lips pulled away from her and he started leaving kisses along her neck and jaw feverishly, panting against her hot skin, his hands and fingers tightening over her as they slid along her soft, yielding body.

His mouth returned to her breasts, sucking and licking over each in turn, his hands constantly switching as he moved back and forth. "(Y/n)- God, you feel so good against me, doll," he groaned to her.

She moaned in reply as his fingers tweaked one nipple and his teeth gently nibbled the other. (Y/n) arched against him, and Bucky's lips left her nipple.

"Fuck," he whispered against it, then the hand on her back slid up into her hair and tangled in the soft strands. "Fuck," he groaned softly before his lips attacked hers, his other hand still massaging her breast.

He was so strong and hard against her, his mouth so needy and demanding of hers, and it was making her so wet and ready against his jeans; she'd only dreamed about doing this with him, for years, his image the one that filled her mind when she thought of things like this, and now he was actually here, between her bare thighs.

Bucky pulled back, roughly kissing down her throat and collar bone, nipping her there as he groaned. "Ah, doll- I need you, (Y/n), god, I need you so bad..."

Shivers raced through (Y/n)'s belly, and she felt that she was getting even wetter against him.

Bucky leaned back up, looking down at (Y/n)'s need hazed eyes and kiss swollen lips, her desire flushed cheeks and very obviously excited body beneath the open shirt that was falling down her shoulders.

He leaned back, and a twitch of uncertainty moved her brow, but changed to confusion as his hand dug into his pocket, pulling out his wallet.

He opened it and rifled through it until he pulled out a condom, throwing the unneeded wallet behind him to disappear somewhere across the room. He met her gaze, his silently begging her to let him continue.

(Y/n) glanced at the condom in Bucky's fingers, then back to his eyes. She wasn't saying no, but he still wasn't moving. She licked her lips, and leaned her body toward him, her hands reaching for his shoulders to pull him closer.

He sighed with relief and his hands flew to the button on his jeans, unbuttoning and zipping them and dragging them and his boxers down to his knees, letting them fall the rest of the way down as he stroked his cock a few times, biting the foil package open and pulling the rubber out.

He rolled it over his erection, and (Y/n) watched his hand move, her eyes following it along the length that was larger than any she'd seen in person, and definitely bigger than the only one that had been inside her.

Bucky looked up to see (Y/n) watching him with a slightly surprised look on her face, and he couldn't help the smirk from growing across his lips. "I take it you haven't had very good experiences with this-" He ran his hands down her arms to her wrists, wrapping her arms around his neck. "(Y/n), doll, let me show you what sex is supposed to be like," he told her, his hands gripping her hips as he pressed against her.

His stiff cock slipped between her folds, making them both gasp, her because he was pressed against her clit, and him because of the perfect warmth almost surrounding him.

Bucky arched his hips against her, his cock sliding through her wetness, and he groaned as his head fell back and he cursed. "You already feel so good, and I'm not even inside you, yet."

(Y/n) blushed, her arms tightening around him, her hips moving as she tried to get more friction against her clit.

He arched his hips again and the head of his cock pushed against her opening. Bucky's hand took hold of himself and directed it, slowly pushing just the tip into her.

(Y/n) gasped, her forehead resting against his shoulder and her fingers digging into him.

Bucky's eyes pressed closed and his jaw fell open as he let out a rough groan, his fingers tightening on her hips as he pushed all the way in.

They stayed like that for a moment, just taking in the wonderful feeling of the other just being there so intimately, at last, then Bucky pulled his hips back and slipped all the way back in, his hips bumping against hers.

(Y/n) moaned, a needy, beautiful sound that spurred Bucky to thrust again.

Two thrusts.

That's all it took to be the best sex in (Y/n)'s life thus far.

She moaned again as she felt Bucky filling her, rubbing against spots inside of her that Jason had never touched.

Her legs wrapped around Bucky's hips, her fingers pulling him against her as she tried to catch her breath, but she just couldn't keep any oxygen in her lungs as he thrust.

Bucky's metal hand moved to pull her pants and panties the rest of the way off to toss them away, and he kissed her shoulder, jaw, then neck as it went to the table to steady him as he rolled his hips into hers.

Fuck- what was he doing?

He shouldn't be doing this; sex was a bad idea that would ruin the friendly relationship they were finally building, and feeling the emotions that he'd worked so hard to bury while doing it was only bound to make it worse- but there was _no way in Hell_ that his body was going to just let him pull out and stop.

God- (Y/n) felt so good around him, so hot, and wet, and tight- so fucking amazing- Bucky was unable to focus on much else than how she felt around him and how sexy her panting was in his ear.

He had to distance himself; maybe if he made this just fucking, just meaningless sex, he would be able to make it out of this without his heart completely shattering.

His other hand left her, and he planted them both on the table, using the leverage to thrust into her. She was kept mostly in place by her arms around him, but he needed to be in her faster, he wanted to hit into her harder, was hungry for the feeling of her coming around him as she cried out, and he leaned forward, her body going with him as his hands gripped the edge on the other side of the table, thrusting hard and fast.

Holy fuck; this feeling was insane!

It felt like he was simultaneously hitting along (Y/n)'s entire channel, stimulating every wonderful spot she had inside as his hips quickly arched and snapped against hers. "Oh, god- oh god-" She panted, her hands tightening on Bucky, one on his shoulder, one semi gently tugging at his long hair.

Bucky looked at (Y/n) as her moan grew into a wail of pleasure, and he had to hold back and stop moving as she came around him.

He groaned as he took in her face; she had the most beautiful orgasm face, her swollen lips parted, her brow knitted, but lifted, a look of pure bliss as sweet sounds left her lips.

What the Hell was wrong with him?!

For possibly the only time in his life, he had the woman of his dreams in his arms, pulsing tightly around him, making such wonderful noises because of, and for, him, and he was trying to make this just some meaningless fuck!

Bucky's hand let go of the table and slid up her back, pulling her lips back to his.

He started thrusting again, but slower this time, feeling the amazing closeness that the position gave them, their chests nearly pressing together even before Bucky leaned down to kiss (Y/n).

"I don't know- fuck, you feel so good, doll; I don't know how much longer I'm going to last," he moaned against her lips.

"Every moment is heaven," she whispered in his ear before her lips brushed against his neck, her hot breath sending a shiver straight down his spine to his groin.

Bucky had been hit in the heart; he was somehow back on the battlefield- he'd never really left. He'd been shot in the heart and this was his life flashing before his eyes, giving him closure to the only thing he'd ever _really_ wanted, but never gotten.

This was all in his head to comfort him; the perfect moment with the perfect woman, and he was about to die- but it was fine. At that moment, he'd accept death, greet it like a friend he hadn't seen in a long time. It had let him feel this perfect moment, and he could go knowing that there could be nothing better.

Bucky's eyes stared down at (Y/n)'s beautiful face; she was his angel, come to take him to heaven.

His lips crashed into hers, but fell away a moment later as he moaned.

He was so close, he could feel himself about to blow, but he was trying to last long enough for (Y/n) to come with him, she was getting pretty close again, and he didn't want to come and leave her half way.

He angled his hips to hit at her g-spot better, and he certainly must have, because she moaned his name, and the sweet sound made him come undone.

"Bucky!" Her high, needy whine filled his mind, and his hips jerked, becoming erratic.

"Fuck- oh fuck- (Y-Y/n), oh god- Dollface!" He roared into her shoulder.

She wasn't with him, and his metal arm pulled her closer so his mouth could wrap around one nipple as his flesh thumb moved quickly to her clit, rubbing over it harshly, as he had little control of his dexterity at the moment.

(Y/n) was already so struck by his sexy orgasmic cry that when his thumb touched her sensitive bud, she came nearly immediately, crying out as her body tensed, hands trying to push and pull at Bucky's shoulders simultaneously, her knees tightening around his hips, and she swore she could feel her toes curling.

Bucky groaned against her, his cries getting a little louder as she tightened around him.

Finally, he stopped rubbing her clit and they were still except for their ragged breathing for a few moments, frozen in the moment of ecstasy, then Bucky's lips kissed (Y/n)'s shoulder, moving up her neck to her lips, and she kissed him back as he deepened it.

They slowly caught their breaths despite the kiss, and Bucky finally pulled back from her. "Be right back, doll," he whispered as he untangled himself from her limbs.

(Y/n) heard him pull the condom off and toss it in the trash, only vaguely realizing that she was spread across the table, naked except for a shirt that was wide open and covering nothing.

"I see that you've already got breakfast all laid out for me, doll," she heard him say, and she looked up to see the smirk on his face as his eyes roved over her body. "I'd eat it now, but I'm afraid that my legs are going to give out if I spend as long as I'd like to on it," he told her as he stepped back between her thighs.

(Y/n) struggled to get up, and Bucky wrapped his arms around her, encouraging her to wrap her thighs around his waist as he picked her up, turning to the stairs and carrying her up to his room, then laying her in the bed, pulling off her shirt and laying next to her.

He pulled her close, tucking her naked body closer to his, chest to chest, and tilted her chin up to kiss her sweetly, his tongue slowly moving against hers.

"Mmm, that was amazing, doll. I hope it was as good for you," he told her quietly, his eyes glowing with affection as his thumb stroked over her cheek and lips.

(Y/n) nodded up to him, her breath taken away by his sweetness.

"Good," he murmured against her lips. He kissed her, again and again, until they quickly drifted to sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have faith. (That's all...)

 

(Y/n) woke, surrounded by Bucky's arms, as usual, and opened her eyes to see a different room; his room.

The night before came flooding back to her; being worried about sex if it came up on her date with Lance, Bucky seeming angry at the thought of Lance forcing her to have sex with him, then picking her up and plowing her on the kitchen table.

No, plowing wasn't the right word- maybe at first, but by the end it was more like making love...

(Y/n) tried to shake the thought. She wasn't really sure what had happened to make him want her that way; they'd been barely talking about sex, not enough to get anyone riled up- though he was a returned soldier with PTSD; who knew when the last time he'd been with a woman was?

She felt pain fill her heart; she loved him- No, she didn't love him, she had really deep feelings for him, but surely not love. It wasn't completely apparent whether she was _reassuring_ , or _convincing_ herself, but either way, he didn't feel the same.

There was no way he could.

He was an amazing, handsome man, who was still way above her on the social ladder, PTSD or not, and probably would still play that stupid prank on her that he'd tried to in high school.

Pain stabbed at her heart and she pressed her eyes closed.

What if this was like that? What if it was just a more advanced version of that? What if...

What if he was so sweet last night so that she would think he liked her, then he laughed at her when he woke up?

She bit her lips as she fought the thought, and the tears trying to grow in her eyes.

Damn him...

(Y/n) started pulling away, but Bucky tightened his arms around her. "Where're ya goin'?" He mumbled sleepily.

"Th-the bathroom," she told him, hoping he would let her go.

"M'kay... hurry back, though," he told her, letting her go.

(Y/n) quickly crawled from the bed and grabbed her shirt, pulling it on and buttoning what she could of it, since the bottom few buttons were gone, and hurried out of the room, leaning back on the closed door.

She needed to act as though this didn't affect her, as though she hadn't just had the best sexual experience of her life, past and probably future included.

She quickly grabbed some clothes from her room and went to the bathroom to take a shower, hating that she had to wash the wonderful feeling of him off of her, but knowing that she couldn't make it through the act she was going to have to put on if she could still feel the way his fingers had moved over her skin.

Bucky rolled over, his arm searching for (Y/n), but he couldn't find her.

He opened his eyes and looked around, thinking that he had heard the door close, but it became obvious that it had been the bathroom door when he heard the shower start.

Bucky smiled as he stretched, thinking that it would be nice to go join (Y/n) in there, maybe have a morning after round against the wet shower wall...

His smile only grew at the thought, but another thought occurred to him, and he climbed out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweatpants before heading down to the kitchen.

(Y/n) stepped out of the shower and dried off before getting dressed and brushing and doing her hair quickly, then heading downstairs, remembering that all of her clothes from the day before minus her shirt were down there, and stepped into the kitchen to see Bucky standing at the stove in only a pair of sweatpants that were hanging a little low on his waist, making her body heat up at the memory of the body underneath them pressed against her.

He turned and smiled at her as she stood frozen near the doorway. "Good morning," he greeted with a satisfied smirk, and oh god did that make her want him again even more.

And more terrified that he was playing her.

(Y/n) cleared her throat and looked over to the table, her eyes quickly jumping away from that, too, as she remembered how it felt against her bare ass as Bucky filled her with his cock. "Good morning," she murmured. "Wh-where are my clothes?" She asked.

"I folded them, they're over there," he gestured to a chair with the spatula in his hand.

She went and picked them up, quickly taking them upstairs. She waited in her room for a while, until she thought Bucky had had enough time to finish breakfast, and made her way down, thinking she'd quickly find something to eat and disappear back upstairs, but when she got to the bottom of the stairs, she saw that Bucky had already filled a plate for her.

(Y/n) slowly made her way to the table and sat down.

"Hey, (Y/n), we need to talk about last night," he told her as she picked up her fork.

She looked up at him, thinking that she needed to nip this in the bud before he thought he had her right where he wanted her to make fun of her.

"It was- I mean, it was an accident, right?" She said, trying to sound flippant as her eyes fell back to the table.

Bucky's brow darkened. "Yeah, I tripped and fell into your pussy with my cock repeatedly, after ripping both of our clothes off and putting on a condom. Some accident," he said sarcastically.

"I-I meant that it was a mistake," she shot back. "We were talking about sex, and we've been sleeping next to each other, in the same place for quite a while, our bodies just got confused..."

Pain tore at Bucky's heart. She didn't feel the same, she didn't want to be with him, she thought it was a mistake...

He clenched his jaw, his angry eyes turning to his plate to hide his feelings.

"W-we could pretend it never happened," she suggested, her eyes trained on the fork in her hand.

"Yeah," he scoffed. Maybe she could, but he'd never be able to forget how wonderfully perfect and amazing she'd felt around him.

(Y/n)'s brow creased in displeasure. Why did it hurt so much that he was willing to go along with her plan to pretend that it had never happened?

... ... ...

Bucky glared at the tv from his recliner, giving up and turning it off before he went outside and quickly taped his hand before proceeding to beat the ever loving shit out of the punching bag.

He only took a break when he was so covered in sweat that he had to go into the house for water or risk dehydration, and his footsteps seemed to echo through the empty house.

He had always loved this house, with fond memories of visiting his grandparents, playing hide and seek in the big house that always seemed to be full of happiness and love, running through the fields and enjoying the space that he didn't get a lot of in the city, but now, with (Y/n) gone at work, it seemed as heartless as a big empty warehouse.

He'd lived there for a few years alone, after his grandparents had died, shortly after he'd returned home from war with the demons hidden in his head that seemed to act up more in the city, and had never felt uncomfortable or lonely, but now that he was used to (Y/n) being there, when she was gone, it felt like a discarded cocoon; the hollow home a butterfly had left behind.

It wasn't hard for him to figure out why, either.

It hadn't taken the round of great sex on the table for him to know that he loved her; all he had to do was think of her and his heart started beating faster, to think of the smile on her face for his heart to ache to see it again, even as his own lips turned up, to remember what she looked like sleeping against him to want to wake up to the sight every morning, to remember how her lips felt against his to want to feel and taste them every day.

He was so far gone, more than head over heels- he didn't know how he was going to handle it when she moved out. How was he going to survive her not being just a text message away when he needed her, having to sleep in his bed alone, without her in his arms every night?

He couldn't just forbid her to leave; not only did he not have the right to keep her here, but she didn't give a rat's ass about his feelings. Not to mention that it wouldn't be fair to her; with his nightmares, even if they were getting better, or his inability to take her out to do things as much as she deserved, having to spend most of the time at the house, the panic attacks that sometimes struck, and the constant danger that he would have a flashback and could hurt her...

He rubbed his hands over his face, adding to the list that he was damaged goods as he looked at his metal appendage, and that no matter how much she said she thought his arm was cool, it was still something that made him unable to ever be whole, to be the perfect man she deserved.

He grabbed a water and slammed the fridge door, storming back outside and giving a fierce punch to the punching bag.

... ... ...

(Y/n) felt her heart flutter as Bucky pulled up to the curb to pick her up from work, her body trying to get worked up at how she was going to have to be so close to him, pressed against him again, and she felt anxiety and guilt fill her; anxiety that she'd never be able to forget what it was like to be with him, and that he would find out how she felt, and guilt that she had been going on dates with Lance and had had sex with someone else, making her feel like she had cheated on him, even though they weren't officially dating or anything.

She flashed him a small, forced, smile, and walked toward him, noticing how mottled purple and red marks were starting to spread over his flesh knuckles. "What happened to your hand?" She asked, stopping in her tracks.

"Nothing," he told her a little harshly. "Come on, get on."

She looked at him uncertainly as she got closer and climbed onto the bike.

When they got home, Bucky immediately went out to the back, taping his hand as he walked, and started wailing on the punching bag.

(Y/n) watched him for a moment before going to her room.

Apparently waking up next to Bucky after having sex with him made her nervous, because it hadn't even been twenty four hours since the actual act, and she couldn't manage to be in the same room with him for long periods of time.

She pulled out her headphones, deciding to listen to the podcast she had been ignoring for favor of Bucky's company, and laid on the bed, getting it all set up.

_"You look so beautiful on my couch, even though the circumstances of you being there aren't the best. My heart is beating fast in my chest as I get closer, not wanting to wake you if sleep is keeping you from the pain that made you cry yourself to sleep there,"_ his voice was soft, setting up the scenario before starting the story.

(Y/n) paused the audio, her brow furrowing at the seeming personalness of the situation.

She had cried herself to sleep on a couch less than a month and a half ago...

She shook her head, dismissing the thought that it could have anything to do with her life; a lot of girls had probably cried and passed out on people's couches, after breakups, after fights, after losing jobs, after a loved one died- there were a thousand reasons, and she would be conceded to think that this random sexy man somehow knew about her and was speaking specifically about her life.

She didn't even know where he lived, he could be in Canada, or the other side of the country, for all she knew, and those options were only based on his accent; he could have been born here and moved to anywhere in the world.

She pushed play again, settling back to listen.

_"I crouch down and lightly brush my fingers over your cheek, taking in the pained beauty in your face. I hate that man for what he did to you. I want to punch him in the face and get a little release for my anger as I watch him fall to the ground, but being there for you is more important than my anger at him, and I stay close, brushing my lips gently against your cheek. I have wanted to be with you for so long, but for some reason, it never happened. I've spent so many hours staring at you and thinking of holding you in my arms, making you laugh so that I could see your beautiful smile, kissing you- so much more..."_

The tone in his voice made (Y/n) feel really in the story, like she could feel through his words how much he cared for the girl he was speaking about.

_"I get up and sit in the chair, unable to leave the room and not be able to see you as I fall asleep, worried that I will never get the chance to look at you as I fall asleep again."_ There is a sad sigh barely audible, like he had pulled away to try and hide it.

_"I wake up to the sun shining through the curtains and you softly crying on the couch again. I stand up and move next to you on the couch, pulling you up and close against me with your face against my shoulder. It's killing me to see you this way, this upset, and I want to comfort you, make you laugh and smile, forget about that asshole who hurt you."_

There was a pause as he took an audible breath, changing from setting the scene to speaking. _"It's ok, doll, I'm here. Please don't cry. Let me see your beautiful eyes."_ He hummed in discontent. _"I should punch him for making those beautiful eyes look so sad,"_ he murmured. _"They are beautiful,"_ he insisted. _"Doll, if they were any_ more _beautiful, you'd have to have a licence to carry a dangerous weapon. There, there's a hint of that amazing smile you have... Wh-what? Don't say that- doll, I'm telling you-"_

He sighed and his voice grew more stern. _"Don't you dare repeat anything he said about you; it's all bullshit. You are an amazing, beautiful woman- yes, you are- Doll- Doll- Hey. Doll,_ listen to me _,"_ he demanded softly. _"You are beautiful. Hey, I don't care what anybody said. I think you're beautiful-"_

He cut himself off and there was a pause, then he cleared his throat, _"yes, really. What do you mean, why? Have you looked in a mirror lately? God, doll, how can you not see how amazing you are? You have the most beautiful eyes, it's like looking into the heart of a star, and your smile- it makes my heart beat fast every time I see it, like right now,"_ he chuckled.

_"Your lips look so pretty- when you bite them, I always want to kiss them better, and play with your hair, and kiss your forehead... You got me all messed up inside, doll,"_ he chuckled. _"Since when? ... I don't think I should tell you, doll..."_ He said, voice full off trepidation. _"No, I really shouldn't- ok- ok, ok, ok,"_ he said, laughing. _"There's no need to tickle me! I've felt that way..."_

He sighed, suddenly serious. _"Doll, I've thought that since the first moment I saw you."_

There was something deep about that admission, and (Y/n) felt her heart throb. It was so sweet, and perfect, and... so much like something she'd never have...

A tear pushed out of her eye, and she didn't bother wiping it away as another joined it.

She wished someone could feel that deeply about her.

She stopped the recording, turning on something happy, but she couldn't stem the tide of tears once they started.

She cried into the pillow on the bed until she felt her stomach growling, and got up to go clean herself up before she went down to get dinner.

... ... ...

Bucky blinked as the back porch light turned on; he hadn't realized that it had gotten so dark, too engrossed in beating the stuffing out of the punching bag hanging from the tree.

He looked up to see (Y/n) in the kitchen, pulling things out to start dinner.

His brow twitched in confusion; she normally started dinner a lot earlier than this.

His brows then met as he tried to push away the jealous rage in his heart. She was probably talking to that perfect pretty boy Lance.

Fuck- what if him giving in to his need with her at the table had given her the confidence to go on that date with him?!

Bucky's fist hit the bag and it swung heavily.

He wanted her to have confidence, and would be happy if he had helped her find that, he wanted her to be happy, too, just... with him... not that other man.

Dinner was a bit of a nervous affair, especially when she told him that she had indeed told Lance that she'd go out with him, the day after the next.

She couldn't look at him, and he was glaring at his food, clenching his jaw a bit too hard as he chewed.

He stood and gathered the plates, putting them in the dishwasher and starting it, waiting at the stairs for her to go first, and when they got to the top, he followed her toward her door.

"B-Bucky, what are you doing?" She asked nervously.

"Coming to sleep," he told her. She flushed, and he wanted to kiss her, push her down on her bed and make love to her until she forgot about Lance, and her decision to pretend the night before hadn't happened.

"I-I don't think that's a good idea," she told him.

He frowned. "The couch, then?"

(Y/n) shook her head. "I don't think it's a good idea for us to sleep in the same place, at all," she told him.

Bucky scowled at her door, opened his mouth to say something to her that he deemed unfair, then closed it and turned, going to his room and trying not to slam the door.

... ... ...

The next day (Y/n) went to work and came home, spending most of the time there in her room, glad that the light marks left by Bucky from their night on the table had disappeared completely already, while Bucky spent almost the entire day putting a permanent dent in the punching bag, working himself to exhaustion and beyond.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Smut! And our poor confused little children...

 

The next day came, the sun rising on the punching bag Bucky had been taking his frustrations out on the night before.

It was _the_ day; the day of the date, as they were both marking it.

Bucky woke up, pissed off that he hadn't had any nightmares, and therefore a reason to tell (Y/n) that he _needed_ to hold her close.

(Y/n) went to work, telling Bucky that Lance was picking her up from work, he would have to find something for dinner, and that she'd see him later.

She was nervous about the date all day, getting distracted while working with her clients and having them do the same exercises twice sometimes.

After her shift, she showered and pulled on the clothes she'd brought for her date, and walked out to the front.

"You look so pretty!" Cami, the girl at the counter, told her as she got close.

(Y/n) smiled back at her. "Thanks."

She liked it so much more at this gym, and she really owed Lance for helping her get the job, which only made her feel more guilty that she and Bucky had had sex.

She talked to Cami for a few minutes until Lance walked in, smiling at her and giving her a compliment. (Y/n) felt her cheeks heat as the pink dusted them, and went with him, waving bye to Cami as they left.

"So, what are we doing?" She asked as they climbed into the car.

"Well, I thought maybe a movie, and dinner, and maybe some stargazing," he smiled to her.

"That sounds amazing," she smiled back. "But, where are you going to find a view of the stars in the city?"

"I know a place," he assured her with a grin.

They got to the theater fifteen minutes before the movie started, and spent the time laughing and playing along with the movie trivia and talking about their favorite movies, moving onto books for a moment before the lights dimmed and they teased each other to be quiet.

The movie was ok, somehow trying to combine action and romance with a bit of drama, and it ended up more than a bit on the cheesy side.

I can't wait until this plays on tv, so I can watch it and make jokes with Bucky, (Y/n) thought, and immediately froze in her chair.

She shouldn't be thinking about Bucky when she was on a date with Lance.

Guilt started to fill her gut, and she jumped, spinning to Lance as he put his hand on her arm, and almost landed lips first on his face.

Her eyes widened as she stared at him.

"Are you ok?" He asked in a whisper after pulling his eyes away from her lips.

She nodded, flashing a smile, and they turned back to the movie.

Dinner was delicious, the conversation was good, and she was laughing and having a good time again.

"I swear to you," Lance said through his laughter, "she thought that it was a face mask or something!" They laughed for another moment before he caught his breath. "I had to explain that it must have fallen out of some guy's bag. She dropped it so fast when she found out what a jock strap is for!"

They laughed again, and Lance took the bill as the waitress dropped it off, sticking his card on it and letting her take it.

"So... This place that I have to stargaze..." He trailed off nervously.

She just waited for him to speak, sipping the remains of her drink.

"So... it's really nice; I live next to a park, in a residential neighborhood, so there's not as much light," he told her.

She smiled, but felt nervousness in her belly.

"I don't want you to think that I'm trying to pull anything, but that's where it is... Do you want me to take you home, or do you still want to go?" He asked hopefully.

"I- yeah, I love looking at the stars," (Y/n) told him.

...       ...       ...

They left, and Lance drove for a few minutes, going to a suburb, then through to an apartment complex where he parked and grabbed a blanket from the back seat.

They made their way a bit into the field and he laid the blanket down before they laid back to look at the stars.

"I had a great time tonight, (Y/n)," Lance told her softly.

(Y/n) smiled. "Me, too."

Lance rolled onto his side and looked down at her, leaving some space so that she didn't feel pressured. "Would you hate me if I kissed you?"

(Y/n) chuckled softly. "I don't think I could hate you, Lance, and besides, we've already kissed. Remember?"

He grinned down at her. "Yeah. But I said I wasn't going to try anything, and here I am, trying to kiss you..."

(Y/n) blinked up at him, feeling her stomach twist a bit. "I won't hate you," she told him.

He smiled down at her, his eyelids lowering. "Good, I'm glad," he murmured as he leaned lower.

Their lips touched, soft and warm, just like before, in a nice, gentle kiss, his tongue brushing against her bottom lip as a request to come in after a moment.

It was a nice kiss, but (Y/n) couldn't help but think of Bucky grabbing her and smashing his lips against hers, roughly nipping her lip to gain entrance.

She let out a soft moan at the memory, and felt Lance smile against her lips, assuming, of course, that he was the cause of her noise.

He leaned over her a little more, a hand touching her side and gently massaging the skin there through her shirt.

(Y/n) felt guilt land in her stomach and ran her hand up his chest, trying to be in the moment with him.

His hand was slowly growing bolder, a little at a time, sliding around her ribs under her breast and slowly up, his fingers brushing against the edge of it before inching their way to touch more of the soft mound.

Lance pulled back from her mouth, his lust filled eyes meeting hers. "I've been thinking about that kiss since the movie theater," he told her with a smile.

She smiled back, a little hesitantly.

"Are you ok with this?" Lance asked, confused by her expression.

Was she?

She had already had sex with someone since Jason, so she knew that she could, that it _was_ possible, and she now knew that sex felt good, that it wasn't always just waiting for the man to get done and roll over, and then deal with herself.

But it had been with Bucky.

Would she ever be able to have sex with anyone else after that?

She needed to push him out of her mind. She needed to forget about him, and maybe this was the way to do it?

Who knew, maybe sex with him was just better because she only had her experience with Jason to compare it to. Maybe sex with Lance would be even better.

"Yes," she softly assured him, though she could feel that her stomach was twisting in resistance to her words.

Lance smiled at her again and leaned forward until their lips touched again. His soft lips, and then his tongue, brushed against hers, and she kissed him back.

His kisses were nice, giving her a small pleasant tingle, but Bucky's lips had set her on fire, filled her with electricity and need for more of them, for more of him.

She shouldn't be thinking about Bucky while kissing another man! She shouldn't be thinking about Bucky at all!

She threw herself into kissing Lance as hard as she could, her tongue starting a sparring match with his.

Lance groaned and his hand started massaging her breast while his body started pressing harder against hers.

(Y/n) ran her hands up his chest, over his shoulders, sliding her fingers through his hair, trying to be into it as much as he was.

Lance laid half over her, his hands touching and groping at her, one sliding under her shirt slowly to give her the chance to tell him to stop, but she didn't, and he kept going, letting his tongue battle hers as his groin pressed against her hip.

(Y/n)'s hands moved over his shoulders, one down his left arm, and her nose wrinkled at it moving under her grip.

That's right- not Bucky.

If it were Bucky, he'd already have her moaning for him to touch her more.

No! Stop thinking of Bucky! She ordered her brain.

(Y/n) arched, pressing her chest closer to Lance, her breasts really needed some real attention soon, but he was going so slow.

She wished that the trail of light marks Bucky had left was still down her neck to lead him where she wanted him-

Fuck! No she didn't!

But she did- she wanted Bucky to be the one laying her back so badly. She wanted to be at home with him, in his bed-

Wait, when had she started thinking of his house as home?

Pressure started building in her mind, and suddenly, Lance was too close, crowding her against the ground.

Her hands pushed against his shoulders, and he pulled back.

"You ok?" He asked, confused by her panic stricken face.

"I- I can't," she told him, pushing at him as she rolled away.

Lance rolled off of her, giving her space, but it wasn't enough. She climbed to her feet and started toward where they'd come into the park.

"Hey, (Y/n), it's ok, I'll give you a ride, just give me a second- (Y/n)!" He called after her, scrambling to get up, but she was already running down the block away from him, disappearing into the dark.

...      ...      ...

Bucky threw another punch at the bag, feeling the solidness as his fist connected, and saw a figure moving in the house as he looked up, focusing and seeing (Y/n) hurry through the kitchen.

His brow furrowed, not liking that she looked upset.

As he was contemplating that, he saw a taxi driving away from the house, and a suspicious growl rumbled in his throat.

Why had she needed a taxi?

He started unwinding the tape from his flesh hand as he walked toward the house.

He went up the stairs two at a time and reached the top just as she opened the door to the bathroom and stepped out, her hand wiping a few remaining drops of water from her face.

"(Y/n)," he said as he stopped next to her. "Are you ok?" He asked.

She looked up at him and the conflicting emotions flashed in her eyes, going from upset to happy, to irritated to upset again.

Bucky stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close against his chest. "It's ok. I'm here. What happened?" He asked her softly.

(Y/n) knew she should push away from him, but she couldn't bring herself to.

"Did he hurt you? So help me God, if he hurt you-"

(Y/n) shook her head against him, and felt his body relax a little against her.

He pulled back to look down into her eyes, his flesh hand cupping her cheek, and she could see the concern in his deep blue orbs.

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes and her bottom lip trembled. She felt so vulnerable, so worn out and in need of comfort.

Bucky's thumb stroked over her jaw as he searched her eyes, but the one thing that he could tell was that he needed to kiss her. He needed to hold her close and comfort her, selfishly assure himself that she was ok.

His lips met hers, and he pulled her closer. She felt so good against him, her lips parting with the slightest request from him, and it was driving him crazy. His lips asked a little more, and the kiss grew hungry when she responded without hesitation.

She sighed softly as his tongue roved over hers, and Bucky moaned into her mouth.

Holding her against him, he turned, pressing her against his bedroom door as his hand searched for the knob. He found it and the door disappeared from behind her, letting him slowly lead her to his bed.

The edge of the mattress hit the backs of her knees, and he gently laid her back on it.

(Y/n) panted for breath as she looked up at Bucky, her heart racing in her chest.

This.

This is what she needed, what she wanted. What she had been thinking of when Lance had been kissing her.

Bucky's eyes traced her expression for a moment before going back to her lips and stealing her breath from her lungs.

The feeling of his heavy form over hers excited (Y/n)'s body, making it arch up against him as a needy moan left her.

Bucky's hands tightened on her hips as he felt his cock stirring against her, and he pulled his lips from hers to kiss down her throat, letting his hands run up her sides under her shirt, meeting his lips at her breasts and pulling it up to expose her bra.

His hands groped and massaged her through the fabric of her bra, his fingers finding her stiffened nipples and pinching and playing with them as he kissed and nipped over the tops of the soft flesh around them.

(Y/n) arched up to him, wanting to be closer, and his hand slipped behind her back to release the hooks hiding her from him, lifting the fabric and pushing it up with her shirt so he could touch and kiss and lick the tight little buds directly.

Bucky could feel himself getting harder and harder as she wiggled and moaned under him, and he pulled back to meet her lips with his again, his hand still stroking and massaging her breasts and nipples.

(Y/n)'s hands moved over Bucky, feeling his hard muscles beneath her hands as he made her body ache for him.

Bucky's hand drifted down her body, his fingertips lightly brushing over her skin, making it tingle with need as they made their way to the top of her pants, sending shivers sliding down her spine when he dragged the backs of his nails across the skin just above it.

(Y/n) gasped as the tips of his fingers pressed under the edge of her pants, teasing her as he slowly moved them further under the fabric, pressing under the band of her panties as well.

Bucky's lips moved to kiss along her neck and down to her breasts again when she let out a moan and her hips arched to his hand.

(Y/n) was a mess, she could tell by the way she was panting as Bucky's fingers rubbed over her, softly at first, teasing, then adding a little pressure, until they were pressing between her folds and teasing her clit with brief touches as her thighs opened for him. "Bucky," she breathed, and felt him sigh against her.

"So sexy, doll," he murmured against her as his fingers slid over her clit.

She arched hard against him with a needy whine, and he started sucking a mark onto the tender point on her throat, a groan vibrating through his lips to her.

(Y/n)'s fingers slid into his hair, tightening a little and his lips fell away as he panted, his tongue still running over the mark he'd made as his fingers slipped down, away from her clit to her opening and circling around it with a small amount of pressure to make her mewl to him.

Bucky's cock twitched in need, but he put it on the back burner, instead tugging her pants and panties lower over her hips, angling his fingers back to her and lower to stroke over her opening a few times before pushing in.

(Y/n) cried out, her hips arching up to his hand as he kissed her again, drinking in her sweet sounds.

Bucky's fingers moved in and out, his thumb brushing up to make circles around her clit while his mouth moved down to her breasts.

(Y/n) moaned and whined at him as her hands pulled him against her arching body, wanting more and more of what he was doing to her.

Bucky cursed as he kissed down her stomach and around her hips, kneeling before her on the floor, his fingers leaving her to pull her pants and panties down her legs.

(Y/n) whimpered and arched at the loss of stimulation, and Bucky smirked, giving a chuckle against her thigh. "Shh, doll, I'm right here," he gently hushed her as he pulled her thigh over his shoulder.

(Y/n) cried out again when his tongue touched her sensitive bud, and Bucky pulled her other thigh over his shoulder and licked at her, his hands squeezing her hips.

(Y/n)'s hands trailed to his hair, tightening in his long, dark locks as her hips pressed up against him. Bucky's groan sent vibrations through her clit, making her gasp again.

"You taste so good, (Y/n)-" He groaned. "God, you taste _so fucking good_..." His tongue slid through her arousal, tasting her and making her moan.

His hands stroked over her hips, gripping and squeezing as she arched up to him, and in response he sucked her clit in between his lips, making her squeak out a needy moan. He groaned and panted against her, licking and circling her clit with his tongue before sucking on it again.

"B-Bucky- ah, Bucky," (Y/n) moaned, making him groan, his muscles clenching as his hips rocked, wanting to thrust into her.

"Fuck, you're so sexy, doll, you make me want you so much," he said against her, kissing over her clit and down to her opening and drawing his tongue around it before pushing against and rubbing over it and back up to her clit.

"Want you, too, Bucky," she moaned back to him.

"Yeah?" He asked between licks over and around her clit, and she moaned a positive response.

"Uh-huh..."

Bucky groaned against her, letting his tongue move a little faster.

"Mmm, you want me here, doll?" He asked between licks as his fingers moved down to rub over her entrance.

"Yeah," she told him in a high, needy sigh. She nearly screamed when his fingers suddenly thrust into her, her hips arching off of the bed.

"Oh fuck-" Bucky groaned against her clit. "God, you sound _so fucking delicious_." He let his tongue flick out to move over her between his words as he kept talking, "I can't wait to feel you come around these fingers-" He pressed them apart, stretching her a bit, and she moaned, her own fingers tightening in his hair. "God I need to hear you scream my name, (Y/n), I've waited and wanted to hear it for _so fucking long_..."

Bucky's fingers slid in and out of her, hitting a spot that made her cry out, each pant getting louder and louder as his fingers fucked her fast and hard while he damn near made out with her clit, licking, sucking, and nuzzling it as her noises made him moan and groan.

"B-Buck-" (Y/n) panted as she got to the edge of ecstasy.

Bucky's tongue turned more determined, finding the most sensitive nerve of her clit and focusing on it, driving her to the edge and hurling her over.

(Y/n)'s hands left him, sliding up the bed and over her head, trying to find something to hold on to in the gale force storm of pleasure that was coming, her body trying to arch off the bed again as she came and her cry grew near a scream, "Bu-uck-YYYY!"

Bucky's cock was throbbing in need almost torturously as he looked up to watch (Y/n)'s face as she burst, his fingers pounding into her hard as she clenched around them. "Oh, yes- fuck yes. Again, please doll," he begged. "One more; let me hear my name, (Y/n)."

(Y/n)'s fingers dug into the mattress above her head as rough shudders wracked her body. "BUCKY!" She did scream this time, and he cursed, lowering his mouth back to her, his hands moving to hold her hips down as he devoured her through her high, making another, less explosive orgasm rock through her body.

Bucky panted hard as he pulled back from her, his eyes near black with lust. He wiped one hand over his chin as he licked at his lips and stood, turning to his night stand and opening the drawer to shuffle through it, tossing things out onto the floor in his rush.

Rough gasps flooded in and out of (Y/n)'s mouth as she caught her breath, and her eyes roamed over Bucky's desperate form, seeing him stretching the fabric of his sweatpants in a large tent.

God she wanted that inside her, needed him in her- she was nearly at the end to tell him to just go in bare.

She ran her hands over her face as she tried to regain her mind, trying to think of where a condom could be hiding, but the only time she'd seen one here was when he pulled one from his wallet.

"Fuck," Bucky growled again, still not finding what he needed, tossing that drawer closed and opening the small one beneath it.

"No," (Y/n) nearly whispered from the bed as her reality struck.

Bucky turned to look at her in confusion, a hope burning in him that she'd give him permission to have her against him as nature had intended, but pain filled him at the upset, vulnerable look on her face. He moved to step closer, wanting to comfort her, but she flinched back and he froze. "W-what's wrong, (Y/n)?" He asked, ready to do anything to set things right and get that look off of her face.

She sat up, her hands reaching down and tugging her pants back on before snapping up to fix her bra and shirt. She stood to get her pants the rest of the way up, and swayed, nearly falling over on her weak, jelly like legs.

Bucky rushed to catch her, confusion written across his face. "Doll-"

"No," she cut him off, catching herself on the bed before she landed on him or the floor.

Bucky moved to step closer, but she tried to move away from him again.

"No- what's wrong with you?" She demanded with a hurt look on her face.

Bucky's eyes flew wide open and he took a step back in shock. "What?" He choked out.

"W-why did you do that?"

Oh god, this was just like in high school. "I don't understand," he tried to tell her, his eyes pleading for an explanation.

She tried to stand again, a bit more successful than before, trying to head for the door.

Bucky caught her shoulders, making her face him.

"Let me go," she demanded.

"Not until you tell me what's going on."

"You can't just do things to people! Let me go, Bucky!"

"God damn it," he growled, his brow lowering in frustration. "You were _very_ into it five seconds ago, (Y/n)- What the hell happened between then and now?! What the hell happened to make you like this?!"

"What happened? What made me so skeptical that anyone could actually want me- so much that I lost my virginity late, and had only been with one man until that kitchen table?! What happened that made me afraid to trust anyone to get close enough, made sex something that I was afraid would be used as a weapon against me?!" She demanded as tears started pushing in her eyes and Bucky's eyes widened in surprise at her tone. "You! You fucking happened!" (Y/n) fought back the tears, glaring angrily at him as he tried to take in this information, but getting more frustrated that she was blaming all of this on him. "And you're pulling the same shit as in high school!" She accused, to his confusion.

"What- what shit? Huh? Trying to be with you?!" He demanded.

"No, not the lie- the bullshit behind it!" She almost yelled at him.

"What bullshit is that supposed to be?" He demanded. "I don't understand what the fuck is going on, (Y/n)!"

She managed to shrug out of his hands and hurried to the door. "Try really hard to remember!" She threw over her shoulder as she slammed his door and a moment later, Bucky heard her door slam as well.

His hands went to his head, his fingers burying in his hair as he groaned in frustration, nearly yelling as he tried to figure out what was going on. "She's as crazy as she was in high school!" He declared to the floor.

He looked up to the clock, seeing that it was too late to call Steve, so he sent a message to contact him asap and stormed back out to the punching bag.

Tears were streaming down (Y/n)'s face as she heard Bucky's door slam, and she buried her face in her pillow, sobs pushing their way out into the stuffing.

"I hate you, Bucky Barnes!" She screamed into the fluff. "You fucking asshole!"


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- mmm, smut? Finally, Bucky gets some answers! And (Y/n) gets some questions... PTSD flashbacks... best I can describe them?

 

Bucky picked up his phone, wincing as he bent his heavily bruised and swollen fingers.

He hadn't been able to fall asleep at all the night before, so he was still awake to answer when Steve called him with the rising sun. "Hey, Steve," he greeted with a rough voice.

_"Hey, Bucky, what's up?"_

"Steve, I gotta figure out what the hell happened in high school," he groaned.

_"What are you talking about?"_ Steve asked.

Bucky sighed, rubbing his metal hand over his face. "Steve... man... You gotta help me. (Y/n)... She went crazy on me, and accused me of doing the same thing I did in high school- Man, I don't even know what was wrong back then!" Bucky heard Steve take a breath and he knew that he was hesitant to get involved with how long it took for it to come back out as a sigh. "Please, Stevie," he murmured. "Unless she's talking about how I'm still madly in love with her, I have no idea why she's mad at me."

Steve inhaled quickly in surprise. _"Bucky- I thought- I thought you didn't like her? Isn't that why you didn't want her to stay with you?"_

"I tried to not like her, I tried really hard to not like her. I was angry at the things she did, how she told everyone all those bullshit lies that made them look at me like a pervert, but- Steve, I've always had feelings for her, and... It took me a while, but I realized that- that I love her..."

_"The- what bullshit lies?"_ Steve asked.

"The ones- well, the ones that were about me trying to do things to her that I didn't do, or that I was going out with her and cheated on her, or that I was going out with her and didn't want anyone to know because I said she wasn't pretty enough... All of that bullshit."

Bucky could almost see Steve's face, shaking his head as he told him, _"man, she didn't say anything about you in high school, especially not stuff like that. She just kinda, stared wistfully at you, and then called you a jerk or whatever, then just got mad at herself when she stared at you."_

Bucky was silent for a moment. "But she said those things about me-"

_"Let me guess,"_ Steve sounded muffled as he tousled his hair and sighed, _"you heard that from the same rumor mill that spread that (Y/n) was a lesbian?"_

Bucky's eyebrows furrowed. He had... And he knew for damn sure, without a doubt, that she was not a lesbian; those screams of his name the night before, only hours ago, really- they were real; she had wanted him. "Maybe," he finally muttered.

Steve sighed to him. _"Good Lord, Buck, why don't you just go ask her what happened? She's in the same house as you! I'm all the way in another state!"_

"I have, Steve, more than once, but she doesn't want to talk about it, she won't tell me, and accuses me of knowing already," Bucky groaned in frustration.

Steve sighed again. _"Fine, Bucky. Give me a minute and I'll call you back."_

(Y/n) laid in bed half asleep, wanting to go back to sleep instead of leaving the room and seeing Bucky.

Her phone rang, and she looked down to see Steve's face smiling up at her.

She answered it and heard his voice. _"Hey, (Y/n), how are you?"_

"Fine," she answered.

_"Good, good. Um, I was just wondering..."_ He sighed. _"(Y/n), you gotta tell me what happened between you and Bucky in high school..."_

"What? Why now, all of a sudden?" She asked groggily, not wanting to be awake and thinking about this at sunrise.

_"(Y/n), you guys are having problems, right?"_

"Well, I mean, he's still an asshole, so there's that," she deadpanned.

Steve sighed. _"Look, you're both my friends. I get that not everyone gets along, really- I mean, I wouldn't have a job otherwise, but there is no reason you two shouldn't get along."_

"Yes there is!" (Y/n) insisted.

_"Then tell me,"_ Steve reasoned, _"and I'll leave you alone about it."_

"You're just going to tell Bucky- Steve, I don't know what he told you, but you know he knows already-"

_"(Y/n), I want to know what happened,"_ Steve told her, exasperated. _"For me."_

(Y/n) shook her head. "Steve-"

_"Please, (Y/n). You say that there is a reason you don't get along, I have no idea what it is- Bucky out of the picture, I still want to know what the hell happened. I want to know for me. I want to know what the hell caused my two friends to hate each other."_

"Steve-" She started, but he cut her off.

_"Especially when you gave each other goo goo eyes all through high school."_

(Y/n) sighed. "Fine. He never gave me goo goo eyes, but fine. But I have to start at the beginning."

_"Good place to start,"_ he told her. _"And yes, he did."_

_._

It took an hour, but Steve finally called back.

"Hey, Steve," Bucky greeted.

_"Bucky, I don't even know what to say."_

"Why- what did she say?"

_"Ok. Are you ready for this?"_ Steve asked, taking a deep breath and letting it out to prepare himself.

"Yeah," Bucky assured softly after his own breath.

_"Ok,"_ he said again and took another breath. _"So, near the end of freshman year, I guess the guys on some team or another, they came up to (Y/n) in class and asked her out, but, not really. They all started laughing at her when she didn't answer. She thinks they were playing a joke on her,"_ Steve told him.

"Those assholes- who the Hell asks someone out on a date as a group, anyway?" Bucky shook his head, disgusted at the thought of those guys playing a joke on (Y/n) that way.

_"No, Bucky, only one guy asked her out- it just... it just happened more than once. A group of guys came up to her and one asked her out, but the whole group laughed at her. And it happened more than once."_

Bucky felt rage flood him at that information. "Assholes," he growled again.

_"Bucky... it was always popular guys, and their friends, so... so she thought that they were making fun of her because she was unpopular. She didn't think very highly of herself in high school, you know... didn't matter what anyone said..."_

Bucky bit his lip as he remembered what she'd said about herself when he'd asked why she had lost all the weight. She really didn't think very highly of herself now, either...

"So... those guys were being assholes, or, at least she thought so," Bucky asked, and Steve hummed in agreement. "So, why is she mad at me?"

Steve hesitated, but slowly said, _"Bucky... you were really popular in high school..."_

"I guess," he shrugged, though he knew Steve couldn't see him.

_"Bucky... She thought you were doing that too..."_

Bucky's brain stopped, then slowly started processing that.

(Y/n) had thought that he was making fun of her? She truly didn't believe that he liked her? That he could ever like her?

Wait- she'd said that he was doing the same thing now- She thought that he was making fun of her, still!

Hurt for her filled his chest, and he let out a pained sigh.

_"Bucky..."_

"Yeah, Steve?" He asked.

_"Do- do you really love her?"_

"Yeah Steve," he quietly answered.

_"You need to tell her,"_ Steve told him.

"Yeah," he agreed, "but if she didn't believe me then, why would she believe me now? And what if she doesn't feel the same?"

_"She does,"_ Steve assured him.

.

After talking to Steve and telling him about what Bucky had done in high school, (Y/n) rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but it wasn't happening.

She sighed and grumbled about having to get up earlier than planned, pulling her phone to her. She had a reminder from her podcast app, asking if she'd like to continue the recording she'd been listening to.

She thought for a moment then shrugged, grabbing her headphones and pulling them on.

She could still feel the slight throbbing between her thighs from Bucky's fingers the night before, and she blushed darkly at the realization, but she felt really upset at men right now, and could use some kind words from a man she knew wasn't trying to get anything from her, or get her to do anything, and the recording had sounded like it was a comfort one, anyway.

Instead of starting where she'd left off, she set it back to the beginning, wanting to hear the setup again.

_"You look so beautiful on my couch, even though the circumstances of you being there aren't the best. My heart is beating fast in my chest as I get closer, not wanting to wake you if sleep is keeping you from the pain that made you cry yourself to sleep there._

_"I crouch down and lightly brush my fingers over your cheek, taking in the pained beauty in your face. I hate that man for what he did to you. I want to punch him in the face and get a little release for my anger as I watch him fall to the ground-"_

(Y/n) thought of the podcaster punching Bucky in the face, but it quickly switched to Bucky knocking Jason out at the restaurant when he'd showed up and said terrible things about her, and her heart leapt against her ribs.

She quickly pushed it back into place and focused on the recording.

_"-but being there for you is more important than my anger at him, and I stay close, brushing my lips gently against your cheek. I have wanted to be with you for so long, but for some reason, it never happened. I've spent so many hours staring at you and thinking of holding you in my arms, making you laugh so that I could see your beautiful smile, kissing you- so much more..."_

The tone in his voice still made (Y/n) feel how much he cared for the girl he was speaking about, and she felt a tug at her heart, wishing someone felt that way about her.

_"I get up and sit in the chair, unable to leave the room and not be able to see you as I fall asleep, worried that I will never get the chance to look at you as I fall asleep again."_ There is a sad sigh barely audible, like he had pulled away to try and hide it.

_"I wake up to the sun shining through the curtains and you softly crying on the couch again. I stand up and move next to you on the couch, pulling you up and close against me with your face against my shoulder. It's killing me to see you this way, this upset, and I want to comfort you, make you laugh and smile, forget about that asshole who hurt you."_

There was a pause as he took an audible breath, changing from setting the scene to speaking. _"It's ok, doll, I'm here. Please don't cry. Let me see your beautiful eyes."_ He hummed in discontent. _"I should punch him for making those beautiful eyes look so sad,"_ he murmured. _"They are beautiful,"_ he insisted. _"Doll, if they were any more beautiful, you'd have to have a licence to carry a dangerous weapon. There, there's a hint of that amazing smile you have... Wh-what? Don't say that- doll, I'm telling you-"_ He sighed and his voice grew more stern. _"Don't you dare repeat anything he said about you; it's all bullshit. You are an amazing, beautiful woman-"_

(Y/n) took a breath, trying to ignore anything that felt like tears in her eyes, hoping they'd go away.

_"-yes, you are- Doll- Doll- Hey. Doll, listen to me,"_ he demanded softly. _"You are beautiful. Hey, I don't care what anybody said. I think you're beautiful-"_ He cut himself off and there was a pause, then he cleared his throat, _"yes, really. What do you mean, why? Have you looked in a mirror lately? God, doll, how can you not see how amazing you are? You have the most beautiful eyes, it's like looking into the heart of a star, and your smile- it makes my heart beat fast every time I see it, like right now,"_ he chuckled.

_"Your lips look so pretty- when you bite them, I always want to kiss them better, and play with your hair, and kiss your forehead... You got me all messed up inside, doll,"_ he chuckled. _"Since when? ... I don't think I should tell you, doll..."_ He said, voice full off trepidation. _"No, I really shouldn't- ok- ok, ok, ok,"_ he said, laughing. _"There's no need to tickle me! I've felt that way..."_ He sighed, suddenly serious. _"Doll, I've thought that since the first moment I saw you."_

(Y/n) felt her heart squeeze, she really wished she had someone like that. Maybe one day she'd be able to get over that ass down the hall and find someone nice.

_"...Doll, do you think that if we were in a different world you could like me, too? ... What- what do you mean you already do? I meant as more than friends- ... You did, too?"_ He paused, and (Y/n) could practically hear him biting his lip. _"Then- then could I kiss you?"_

There was a pause, then kissing sounds, slow and- probably supposed to be loving behind the recording.

_"Doll,"_ he whispered between the kissing, _"babydoll... You taste better than I could have imagined... Mmm... Mm, you're all I want to taste for the rest of time... You're so sweet and delicate... like a rare fruit... Mmm, I don't want to stop kissing your lips, baby, but there are other places I want to taste, like your throat, and shoulders, down your arms, your belly, your breasts, your- all of you, doll... Mmm... Doll, I can feel your pulse against my lips- mmm, let's see if I can taste it, too,"_ he murmured, and there was a slight sucking noise.

(Y/n)'s cheeks heated as her fingers went to where Bucky had probably left a mark last night.

_"You taste so good,"_ he murmured again, his breath getting heavier. _"Babydoll, I love just kissing you, but, could I- could I kiss here, under your shirt, too?"_ He paused for a moment, then more kissing noises filled the recording. _"Mm, yeah, tastes better without your shirt in the way,"_ he chuckled.

_"... Hm? You want your bra off, too? Whatever you want, babydoll, I'd do anything for you... Oh my god,"_ his voice sighed. _"No, baby, I- I'm stunned. Your breasts are so beautiful. I knew that they would be, but I never imagined how beautiful they could be. I- I'm sorry, doll, but I gotta taste them... Mmm,"_ he moaned. _"They taste as good as they look. Mmmmm... Please don't hate me if I just stay here and worship them for a bit, baby, they're just so good..."_

(Y/n) flushed, feeling her heart warm a little.

_"They look so good with my hands on them... Mm, doll, any man who can look at you like this and not think that you are the sexiest woman alive is fucking crazy, and they don't deserve you. God, you really do look amazing..."_

(Y/n) closed her eyes, trying to take in the warm, happy feelings that the recording gave her, while her nipples throbbed a little from how Bucky had been touching them.

_"C'mere, babydoll, I know somewhere more comfortable... You got me,"_ he chuckled, _"I do just really want to see you all spread across my bed, but- can you blame me? I mean, I have been dreaming about it for years... Oh god, it looks just as amazing as I dreamed. You really are the highlight of the whole room."_ He chuckled again. _"And that blush, too; so cute. Here, only one thing could make this sight better, and- can I? Can I take off your pants? It's just to improve the beauty of the room, I swear,"_ he teased, and after a second groaned. _"I know I'm saying oh my god a lot, but, baby- oh my god. You are_ so beautiful. _You're already driving me insane... You're right, I am wearing to many clothes, let's get that fixed here, just a second..."_

(Y/n) drifted away a little bit, not really listening to the sex part- she'd had enough of that last night, she just wanted the comforting.

He talked through eating out and kissing up the listener's body, then the sound of him moaning and praising the listener's body, saying how beautiful and perfect she was, with (Y/n) still only half listening, her thoughts drifting wishfully around the thought that she wondered what it would be like to have someone actually like her enough to mean those things about her, until-

_"Babydoll, you're so beautiful,"_ he panted, _"especially when you're under me- oh god, doll... Ah, fuck, doll- you're so wet- so tight- ah! Oh baby- oh god-! Fuck, you feel so good around me,"_ he moaned wantonly. _"Ah baby, please tell me you're close, I can't- you feel so good baby, I can't hold back much longer- ugh! Right- oh god, babydoll, right now- bab- ugh- Dollface!"_ He cried out.

(Y/n)'s eyes shot open and she was suddenly back in the recording.

_"Ah! Ah! Ah- ah- oh, oh, yeah... Holy fuck, doll,"_ he panted.

She grabbed her phone, hitting the skip back button and getting it close to the part that had startled her.

_"-much longer- ugh! Right- oh god, babydoll, right now- bab- ugh- Dollface! Ah! Ah! Ah- ah- oh, oh, yeah... Holy fuck, doll,"_ he panted as (Y/n)'s heart thudded quickly in her chest.

_"Oh god... That was so intense... Just a minute, I can't see straight... Babydoll, you feel so good, you're so amazing and beautiful,"_ the recording continued, though (Y/n)'s mind was racing so fast that she wasn't paying attention to it.

Dollface?

He had never said that in a recording that she had heard, and, embarrassingly, she had listened to them all, more than once for most...

Not once had he said dollface.

But this time, he'd nearly yelled it as he came...

Just like Bucky had when he'd had her on the table, though he'd cried it into her shoulder, not yelled it to a microphone...

It was already strange enough that the podcaster said doll; not a lot of people said that anymore. And, she had been struck before by how much the podcaster sounded like Bucky at times...

She hit the skip back button a few times to hear more of his voice to try to make a comparison.

_"- so amazing and beautiful. Did you feel that? Can you see me trembling right now? That's all from you, it's all because you are so amazing-"_

Oh god... What if it _was_ Bucky?

What would she do? Holy shit- if it was-

If it was, she would have been thinking about him and listening to him as she got off, for about a year now!

Even though she didn't know it was him-

He was still her dream man...

(Y/n) felt tears in her eyes and pressed her face against her pillow.

_"Babydoll, forget that asshole, please stay with me..."_ Maybe Bucky's voice said in her ear. _"Ah god, please, baby. I have wanted you to be with me, in my life, for so long..."_ He was still panting, trying to catch his breath. _"Shh, babydoll, please just lay here with me. It feels like heaven when my arms are wrapped around you."_

Tears hit (Y/n) harder.

Why did he have to be so sweet in the recording, and such an ass in real life?! Why couldn't he just be one thing and stop ripping her heart apart like a rabid dog?!

_"It feels like heaven when my arms are wrapped around you-"_

Right. Like he actually would feel anything with her in his arms- and she should know; she'd been in his arms an awful lot lately to help him with nightmares.

(Y/n) hit the bed with her fist, angry at him and herself.

She needed to stop thinking about this, anyway- maybe she was jumping to conclusions- it probably wasn't even him...

Even if part of the reason she'd started listening to the podcast was specifically that the podcaster sounded like Bucky, with saying doll, his voice, everything...

Maybe he had moaned it with her, then recorded this and done it there as well- Wait... This recording had come out _before_ he had set her on the table-

The sudden irrational thought that maybe Bucky had taken her phone and found this podcast- maybe he heard it on here, and then, trying to mess with her head more, had moaned it to her...

She dismissed that idea. How paranoid could she be?

But...

The thought that the podcaster was Bucky kept invading her mind, and she could tell that it was going to plague her mind all day.

... 

Bucky spent the day either downstairs or outside with the punching bag, only able to hit it with his left hand since his right was too swollen to close properly.

He waited and watched for (Y/n) to come downstairs, but he never saw her, and he figured that she must have taken a cab to work to avoid him.

Bucky was exhausted by the time (Y/n) got home, and had fallen asleep on the couch with the tv on.

Having only a few hours of sleep and then staying awake for over 24 hours, all while being frustrated, irritated, jealous, angry, and super horny, really took it out of him.

...

(Y/n) walked past where Bucky was passed out on the couch when she got back, and she thought that the only reason she had managed to get a cab and get back before he pulled up to pick her up on his motorcycle was that he had been dead asleep, and a tiny bit of disappointment grew in her stomach. She had thought she was so clever, too.

She quickly grabbed something from the kitchen to eat and made her way upstairs to her room, reminding herself that she hated him, no matter what her heart said and how her stomach churned at the thought.

...

Bucky aimed his rifle at the line of enemy combatants as they moved toward him, but no matter where or how he shot, he couldn't stop any of them from advancing.

An explosion sounded around him and he fell to the ground.

Bucky quickly climbed up from the floor, getting the indistinct image of a couch and a chair next to him.

His eyes darted around and focused on a display on the wall showing dust clouding up around a building.

"Fuck-" Bucky felt the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

He needed to get somewhere safe, he needed to make sure his troop got to safety, the residents of the village they were in- where were they, why weren't they running for shelter?!

Memory hit; he'd been captured- he needed to get back, get out if enemy territory.

Bucky quickly made it to a wall, sliding along to the doorway and peeking around to clear the room.

He needed a weapon- where was his rifle?! He was running around naked!

Bucky cleared the next room, finding a stash of knives and taking the ones that would be handy, sticking them in his belt and holding the most intimidating in his right hand. He looked down, noticing that his hand had trouble closing completely, but he adjusted it and attempted to close his hand more. He must have worked someone over really hard earlier to be so bruised and swollen.

Bucky slowly cleared the whole floor, pulling open the cupboards and looking for another weapon to help him before going to the glass doors and opening them, clearing little by little until he made his way to the field.

There was a crash downstairs, and (Y/n) jumped, nearly dropping her orange and her phone.

She was instantly alert, wondering what had happened that had made so much noise.

She carefully crept from her room and looked downstairs, peaking around to see the kitchen in disarray and the back door open. "What the hell?" She muttered to herself as she walked through to the front room.

Bucky was way too ex military paranoid to have left the door open, or somehow made it easy for someone to break in.

It hit her as she looked around the empty front room and saw a movie with a destroyed city on the screen.

Bucky _was_ ex military, _with PTSD_.

She let her posture relax a little as she looked around to see that the pictures on the wall were at weird angles, probably as Bucky had brushed past them.

She turned and looked around as she made her way back to the kitchen. She looked around to try to get a clue, and saw knives missing from the knife block, some on the counter, but the largest of the set noticeably missing.

"Great," she mumbled.

He was armed. But this wasn't the time to sit back and groan angrily; he needed her help. Not only because she was the only one around, but she couldn't stand to think of him reliving the pain and trauma he'd gone through. She made a mental note to stay at a distance and turned on the back light, looking out through the glass until she saw him moving into the field.

Bucky froze and looked up as a light behind him lit. Nothing happened for a moment, and he made his way as quickly as he could through the grass- he needed to get to safety, to somewhere that he recognized completely, instead of the half recognition familiarity that had filled the house he'd been in.

There was yelling, and he froze again, crouching to hide his position.

"Bucky!" (Y/n) called out to him again, but he wasn't answering. "Ah, crap," she muttered, realizing that he was having a full blown delusion and didn't recognize her.

She needed something to snap him a little lucid, at least enough that he didn't stab her and would let her take the knife and help him through this.

She thought back through things that her grandparents had told her and that she'd seen, and remembered her grandma calling her grandpa by a name she'd never heard before, and then explaining that it was a nickname that only she used, and that it helped him snap out of it when he started to drift sometimes.

"B-" She cut off. Everyone called him Bucky, and they probably had in the military, too. She needed a different name... "James!" She called out, but he still didn't acknowledge her. They had probably used his real name in the military, too... and his last name for sure...

She ran her fingers through her hair, racking her brain. She needed a name that people actually called him, but that didn't have ties to the military.

"Oh!" If Bucky _was_ the podcaster- well, there he went by Jamie, which she realized now was short for James, somehow. The girls on there all called him Jamie, so, maybe it would work.

"Jamie!"

It took him a moment, but he recognized that the person yelling was calling his name. Had he made it back already? Or had someone else been taken, too?

Bucky looked around until he saw the figure calling to him, and blinked, trying to clear his eyes.

(Y/n)? What the Hell was she doing here? She wasn't trained to handle these situations! She wasn't even wearing any gear! He had to get her out of here! He had to get her somewhere safe!

He took a step forward and stopped, realizing that the light behind (Y/n) and the field around him meant that he had somehow gotten into the middle of a minefield. "Stay there!" He called to her. "Stay back!"

"Jamie, it's ok," she called to him.

Bucky shook his head. Jamie was him, but- it was weird, like he had a memory that that was him, but no one actually ever called him that.

He moved carefully back toward (Y/n), checking that he wasn't about to set off any mines as he went, but she yelled, "stop!"

Bucky looked up at her in confusion.

Would (Y/n) tell him to stop from exiting a minefield? "(Y/n) what are you doing here?" He demanded.

(Y/n) swallowed roughly. She had no doubt in her mind that if Bucky decided to catch her, he would; they were quite a bit away from the house, and he could probably run faster than her, plus, the door was glass, and if he wanted to get into the house, locks were not going to stop him.

She could get to a room and lock herself in, but she had felt his muscular body against hers, and she knew that a wooden door wouldn't be able to stop him, especially not long enough for help to arrive way out here.

She suddenly realized that she was playing in a dangerous situation, and had to calm her heart. "I- I came to help you," she tried not to stutter.

Bucky's face contorted in suspicion. She would have come to help him- or the enemy could be tricking him, trying to raise his hopes just to shatter them again in a new form of torture.

"How are you going to help me?" He demanded.

(Y/n) licked her lips. "B- Jamie, do you know where you are?"

Bucky laughed, getting more comfortable in his crouch. "She doesn't call me that!"

(Y/n)'s brows met in confusion. "I- no, I don't... but your listeners do," she told him, deciding to make a leap.

Bucky shifted, looking up at her in curiosity. "Listeners?"

She swallowed again. "To your podcast... the women who listen to your erotic podcast..."

A flash of recording himself speaking as he masturbated played in his mind, and he involuntarily reached for his head as he rocked back. "That's disgusting-" He called to her, about to ask if they had made him do that.

"It's not," she told him, anxiously swallowing a few times. "It's- it's beautiful, and sexy, and..." She had to take a few breaths as her cheeks heated. "And it helps people through things sometimes, like when my ex cheated on me- I-" God she was really going out on a limb here, she hopped it worked, or she would have just shared her most embarrassing secrets with him for no reason. "I listened to one of them, it was really comforting and- and I felt like maybe there could be someone out there who could love me as much as your words made me feel..."

Bucky blinked, but didn't say anything.

"Bucky- Jamie, please put down the knife," she asked, but his mind had caught on something else.

"Say it again," he told her.

(Y/n)'s brow knotted in confusion. "Please put down the knife?" She asked.

He twitched his head to the side. "Say my name, how you say it," he told her.

"Bucky," (Y/n) called to him. "Bucky, Bucky, Bucky. I call you Bucky," she repeated, hoping that it would help it get through to him.

(Y/n)'s voice sweetly screaming his name flashed in his memory. "(Y/n)," he said.

"Bucky." Her lips turned up a little and she sounded relieved. "Bucky, please put the knife down."

He looked back up at her, his suspicions growing again.

"Bucky- please put the knife down, and we'll go back and lay down, you can wrap your arms around me- just like when you have nightmares. Remember what my grandpa said was the best cure for nightmares?" She felt as though she was fighting for him to believe her. "Put down the knife and let me help you with your nightmare. C-come back and hold me close, Bucky."

(Y/n)'s cheeks pinkened and Bucky wanted to kiss them, feel their embarrassed warmth against his lips as he told her how cute she was.

Bucky's eyes moved over her, then he stood, walking toward her, and (Y/n) had to steel her legs not to run away or give out, knowing that the knife was still in his hand from the glint it reflected from the light behind her.

He looked at a spot of grass a few feet away from her and lifted his hand, throwing the knife so it stuck out of the ground.

(Y/n) looked down at it and let out a relieved breath. "Thank you," she told him. "D-do you want to go... comfort, now? Should we go back?" She asked, her cheeks still hot.

He shook his head. "You come out here," he told her.

(Y/n) blinked, but then mentally shrugged and started toward him, careful not to step where the knife was.

Bucky watched her get closer and stop in front of him, looking up into his eyes. He just looked down at her, and she slowly stepped closer, leaning against him as her arms wrapped around him.

"Thank you, Bucky," she whispered so that her breath brushed against his neck, pressing her forehead into his shoulder.

Recognition flashed in Bucky's mind; she'd done this before.

_He was sitting in the kitchen in the dark, dark thoughts and memories flooding through his mind, a knife in his metal hand, his eyes on his flesh arm, seeing a doorway out in the lines of blood there. She took the knife from him and set it on the counter, pulled him to the sink, washed him off- and hugged him close, thanking him._

Bucky looked down as he lifted his metal arm to see it.

It was true.

He wrapped his arms around (Y/n), pressing her close against him. A feeling of safety filled him, security... home.

In his mind he saw her standing at his stove cooking pancakes and smiling at him.

His... his home, his pancakes, his girl...

Bucky pulled back and looked down at her, his eyes tracing over her face.

"Do you want to stay out here and look at the stars for a while?" She asked, thinking that maybe he had been nervous because she kept trying to get him back inside.

He nodded and knelt, pulling the knives from his waistband and throwing them to stick in the ground next to the other.

(Y/n) felt the color drain from her face as her eyes widened and she gulped. "Remind me to pat you down, next time," she tried to joke.

Bucky smiled up at her and waited for her to lay down and get comfortable on the ground with him.

They laid on the grass, not really looking up at the stars, as Bucky was holding her tightly pressed against his chest, slowly drifting off to sleep in the warm air.

.

Bucky woke up as sun shined down into his eyes and squinted at the brightness, realizing that he was in the field and that he must have had a flashback.

He turned his head away and the top of (Y/n)'s head filled his view. His eyes widened and his hand moved to check if she was ok, but he didn't let his breath out until she pushed his hand away and buried her face back in his shoulder to get away from the sun.

Half formed memories came reluctantly to mind when he tried to remember what had happened the night before; getting out of the house, taking knives from the kitchen, (Y/n) standing at the edge of where the lawn and field met, hugging him, feeling like safe and secure and home... his girl-

Except that she wasn't, he remembered as his conversation with Steve came back to him. She wasn't his, and never would be; she thought that he had been, and was still, trying to play some horrible joke on her.

That's why she hated him.

Pain filled his heart and he buried his nose in her hair as his arms tightened around her.

No, she couldn't-

Hope filled him as he pulled back to look down at her.

If she hated him, she wouldn't have come down here and helped him last night. She would have stayed in her room and ignored him. But she had come down here, maybe knowing that he had a weapon- that's probably why she had been standing over on the edge of the lawn and not coming straight to him- and talked him down, gotten him to get rid of the knives, held him close until he fell asleep, and through the night.

He looked down at her beautiful, sleeping face against him and stroked his fingers down her cheek, brushed her hair out of the way and ran them over her cheek again. "(Y/n), I," he whispered. "...I- ...I have to find a way to tell you how I feel..." He sighed. "One that you'll believe..."

.

(Y/n) opened her eyes to see a wall of cloth covered muscle in front of her. She blinked and looked up to see Bucky's eyes closed as he held her close.

She bit her lip, her cheeks reddening at the closeness. Her hand went up to his chest and rested there as she felt his heart beating, and his arms tightened around her.

Bucky pulled back and looked down at her. "Morning," he murmured.

"M-morning..." She answered.

He reluctantly pulled away and sat up, looking around the fields around them. "I take it I had a flashback," he commented.

(Y/n) looked at him in confusion. "You don't remember?" She asked.

He shook his head. "Not really; hardly anything."

"What, um, what _do_ you remember?" She asked, trying to feel out if her admission of listening to erotic podcasts, or that she suspected him to be the podcaster had stayed in his mind.

Bucky shook his head. "Thinking that I had to get out of there. Thinking this was a minefield. Seeing you. Not much."

(Y/n) bit her lip, happy that her secret was safe, but a little disappointed that she wouldn't find out if he really was the podcaster.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Mmm, fluff. Fluff? Lance helps (Y/n) get a clue!

 

(Y/n) felt her heart doing clumsy summersaults as she waited for Lance to arrive at the restaurant where they had agreed to meet after she had gotten off of work.

The door opened and she looked up, smiling nervously as Lance walked in.

"Hi, (Y/n)," he greeted, not looking as strained as she felt as she greeted him back.

(Y/n) turned to the hostess to tell her that they were ready. "And, we'll need a table towards a corner, against the wall preferably, not near a window," she spouted off unconsciously, then looked up at Lance to see his questioning look, then the hostess. "Um, n-nevermind..."

When they had been seated, and ordered, keeping a strand of pleasant small talk, Lance handed his menu to the waitress and waited for her to walk away before turning to (Y/n).

"So," he began, looking her over before he started on what he wanted to say. "I want to apologize, I mean, I was trying to give you space, in case I had been moving too fast, but I really do want to apologize if I was moving too fast..."

"No!" (Y/n) assured him. "No, that's not-" She sighed. "It's something else- it's just that-"

Lance put his hand on hers to comfort her. "It's ok-"

"No, it's not, Lance- I- I'm sorry. I have problems, it's not you; you've been nothing but sweet."

Lance raised his brows to her in question of her problems.

"I- you know that I broke up with my ex not too long ago, like, maybe a month and a half, did I tell you he was cheating on me?"

He nodded with a sympathetic expression.

"Yeah, and- he said some stuff to me that really messed me up, like, it made me really nervous to even think about having sex for real-" She cut herself off and blushed as the waitress, of course, chose that moment to bring them their drinks.

(Y/n) waited until she left to start talking again, but Lance spoke first. "It's ok, I didn't mean to go too fast for you, or make you run off..."

(Y/n) shook her head to him, pulling her hand away from his to take a drink and compose herself. "There's more..."

"There's more?" He asked, his eyes wide.

She nodded. "Yeah. So, for a long time, now, a few years, actually, I- I've had a crush on a guy, and, I guess I thought I had gotten over it, but-"

"But you didn't," Lance finished for her.

She looked up to him and nodded, feeling even worse when she saw that he didn't look angry.

"It's that guy, isn't it, your room mate?" He asked.

She tried not to blush, and managed to keep it almost completely away. "Why would you think it's him?" She asked.

"Well, it's pretty obvious that he's madly in love with you, too," he told her with a chuckle.

(Y/n)'s eyes widened. "What- makes you say that?" She asked tightly.

"(Y/n), don't tell me that you haven't noticed it- you live with him, for crying out loud!" He laughed. "Oh God, he was so jealous when I came to pick you up for that date, it was pretty obvious that he didn't want you to be with someone that wasn't him."

(Y/n) stared at him in shock.

"Wait- you didn't know?" Lance asked, and she shook her head. "Wow, ok... Is he as dense as you?" He teased.

"I- but he doesn't-"

Lance smiled and looked up at the waitress as she brought their food, then back at (Y/n). "(Y/n), trust me when I say that he does. You're probably the only one who can't see it."

.

(Y/n) tentatively walked into the house to see Bucky sitting on the couch, reading a book while the tv played.

He looked up at her as she hesitated in the doorway, biting her lip.

Bucky felt his chest tighten, unsure of how to act. "(Y/n)," he gently called her, and she met his eyes. "How, how did your date go?" He tried to keep his voice neutral.

She shook her head and slowly stepped toward the couch, her eyes on the seat next to him.

His heart sped up as she sat next to him, and continued chewing on her bottom lip.

Bucky pretended to read his book for a while, stealing glances at her out of the corner of his eye, then shifted, leaning back into the couch more and spreading his knees a little so that the one closest to her brushed against her.

She stiffened, but after a couple of breaths, her knee twitched out and sat touching his.

Bucky silently let out the breath he'd been holding, and felt his shoulders relax from the tense state they'd been in.

They sat that way for a few hours before (Y/n) got up and went into the kitchen to start making dinner. Bucky waited a few minutes, then stood and carried his book into the kitchen and sat at the counter.

Silence surrounded them, but it wasn't forced or uncomfortable, so they both let it hang, Bucky suspecting that (Y/n) may need it to feel more comfortable and start getting back to the way things were.

He felt that he had been right when, after dinner, (Y/n) sat closer to him than she had been before.

"(Y/n), dinner was delicious," he murmured to her, letting his arm brush against hers.

She didn't look at him, but spoke to his knee as she said thank you.

After a few more moments, she shifted, and her arm touched his, and Bucky felt hope stretching his heart.

When (Y/n) stood and made her way to bed, Bucky decided not to press his luck too far on the first day, and stayed on the couch.

.

The next morning, (Y/n) walked into the kitchen to see Bucky cooking at the stove, filling and flipping omelettes, and smelled coffee brewing.

She quietly sat at the table and watched him, her eyes lingering on the way his shirt stretched over him as he moved.

He slid the omelettes onto plates next to the previously finished pancakes and carried them to the table, placing hers in front of her.

(Y/n) couldn't keep her eyes from drifting up to Bucky, her heart twisting every time she did.

Was Lance right? Did Bucky like her?

She was sure that there was no way, and even if he had, he certainly wouldn't after how she had acted when he'd knelt in front of her and blown her mind via orgasm.

After the dishes had been taken care of, (Y/n) went upstairs and finished getting ready for work, coming back down with her gym bag on her shoulder, and Bucky looked up as she she shifted a bit uncomfortably.

A satisfied smile lifted his lips as he saw that she was finally wearing one of the shirts he'd bought for her.

(Y/n) felt her cheeks heat a little as she noticed that Bucky was looking her up and down. "Bucky," she softly said his name, and he felt himself stiffening a little at her tone.

"Hmm?" He asked.

"Would you... would you give me a ride to work?"

"'Course." He slipped a bookmark between the pages of his book to hold his place before closing it, and set it on the couch before standing. "Let me go get dressed first," he told her, and she tried not to drool as she watched him walk away, his sweats hanging a little low on his hips and his shirt tight enough that it showed most of the definition of his chest and back.

When he came back down, she couldn't decide what was better; his loose sweats, or his jeans. His sweats let her see the shape of his lower abs because they hung a little low, but his jeans hugged his muscular thighs, and the thought of unbuttoning them and letting her fingers or lips run over his skin made her lick her lips and feel her belly fill with desire.

(Y/n) made it look like she had been focused on something to the side of him before he noticed, and they made their way out to his bike.

She was strapping on the helmet as he brushed closely past her and murmured into her ear, "that shirt looks really good on you, (Y/n)."

A shiver ran down her spine as though he had stroked his fingers down it as his warm breath brushed over her jaw and ear. Her eyes shot to him, but he was already climbing onto the bike. She followed, her body growing sensitive in anticipation of being pressed against him.

(Y/n) tried to use her "professional hands" as she wrapped her arms around him, but she couldn't help but lay her cheek against his back and close her eyes as they started moving.

She climbed off the bike when they arrived, and handed him the helmet.

"Have a good day," he told her as she walked to the door.

She smiled and waved over her shoulder at him.

Bucky felt hope filling his chest a little more, and took off to spend a little time somewhere quiet before his therapy session.

... ... ...

"You seem very happy today, James," Dr. Bradley commented as he settled his paperwork around him for their session.

Bucky nodded noncomittaly.

"Is there anything that has changed since our last visit?"

Bucky held back laughingly suggesting that it was because he'd finally gotten laid, first because it wasn't any of the doctor's business about his sex life any more, and second, he didn't want to degrade the memory of the wonderful things he'd done with (Y/n) by saying it in such a disrespectful and flippant manner. He shrugged instead and the doctor lifted a brow at him.

"Do you think it might have something to do with your housemate?"

Bucky shifted in his chair, giving it thought before answering.

He felt so different since she'd come, she seemed to make everything happier and lighter, holding her filled him with a sense of rightness... He was definitely smiling more than he had for a long time. "Maybe."

Dr. Bradley nodded and asked, "does she know that you're in therapy?"

Bucky shook his head. "No."

"Are you embarrassed about what she'd think?" He asked.

Bucky shook his head, but stopped, considering it. "No," he decided. "She found out about the nightmares and actually told me that there was help, and I should get it if I needed it... Her grandfather had PTSD, and he... He did what we all think about sometimes," he murmured.

Dr. Bradley pressed his lips together and nodded. "So she is concerned for you, and wants you to get help when you need it. That is a very good thing."

Bucky nodded back to him.

"Is there..." Dr. Bradley hesitated as he composed his question. "Your housemate, you said that you and she went to school together, she's a friend of a friend, you hadn't talked to her for five years... I have to wonder, James... with the slow, but mostly steady, progress that you were making before with your best friend by your side, but now, with (Y/n) here," he paused as he looked down at his notes for her name, and hesitated before looking up to meet Bucky's eyes again. "You are advancing in leaps and bounds, even though you haven't completely opened up to her... I have to think, and ask; are there feelings there?"

Bucky's eyes widened.

"Is there some sort of connection that you have been hiding, or denying? Some sort of relationship that you want to pursue with her?"

Bucky's jaw clenched, wanting to deny it, but unable to.

He did want a relationship with her. It kept creeping up on him in the small day to day things; one of them making breakfast, her sitting by him as they spent time quietly together, holding her against him to sleep, though he hadn't been able to do that since the night he'd had a flashback, and not truly since the night they'd had sex, the way she pressed against him as he drove her to work...

He missed her when she was at work, he missed having her in his arms at night, no matter where they were, as long as he could hold her tight, and- as much as it made him feel terrible and selfish and guilty- that first time he'd thought of her pregnant with his child as she cooked breakfast, it hadn't been the last.

It was an insanely guilty fantasy that had started fluttering at the back of his mind in various moments, no matter how he tried to deny and ignore it.

If they had gotten together in high school, their relationship would be so much farther. He thought about it a lot; how they would be married by now, for sure, maybe expecting a baby, or with a little, maybe one year old, on (Y/n)'s hip...

He had never really thought about having kids before, and he really wasn't interested right now, either, but the thought was like a hope for the future; something he wanted to work toward and enjoy when it happened.

Bucky realized that Dr. Bradley was still looking at him, and shifted uncomfortably, making an indistinct noise in response.

"I'm going to guess that you haven't told her about your feelings for her?" Bucky was still tight lipped, and Dr. Bradley nodded as he lifted his pen to make another note. "I'd suggest that you tell her soon. I won't make it part of your homework, because I know these sort of things do take time and figuring out, but I do suggest doing it soon."

... ... ...

Bucky took the helmet from (Y/n) as she handed it to him, watching as she stretched and started heading toward the house.

He grabbed his book from the living room and went into the kitchen after her.

She was reaching into the fridge as he went to get a water bottle, and he couldn't stop the pull of desire in his gut.

(Y/n) reached for the bag of spinach, but left it there and stood as she felt Bucky behind her.

"'Scuse me, doll," he murmured, reaching past her to grab a water, but as she straightened, he pulled back and stood in front of her, trapping her between his large body and the fridge, and didn't move.

His sharp blue eyes gazed down into her (y/e/c) ones, some kind of need hidden in them, capturing her. She was sure that she could feel the heat coming from his body this close to her, radiating through her blood and bones, stirring desire in her. He leaned imperceptibly closer, but she still felt it somehow, and saw when his head tilted down to her, his eyes flicking down to her lips and back up.

She felt his hand press over hers, and realized that her fingers had closed around his shirt without her thinking about it. His hand smoothed over hers, pressing so that it laid flat against his chest, over his heart.

Bucky's eyes stared into hers as his other hand lifted to her jaw, his thumb brushing over her cheek, and softly said, "(Y/n)..."

(Y/n)'s lips parted, looking so kissable that Bucky could practically feel the pull to kiss them in his gut. She blinked, her lashes slowly falling to brush her cheek and raise back up, and Bucky was captivated, a hot breath leaving his lips.

(Y/n) licked her lips, noticing how Bucky's eyes followed her tongue, and swallowed thickly. "Bucky..."

His brow twitched and he nearly moaned at his name leaving her lips in that breathy voice.

"You're- you're letting all of the cold out of the fridge," she murmured to him.

Bucky blinked and looked behind her where the fridge door was still open, cooling her skin until it started getting goosebumps.

They must have been standing there staring at one another for a few minutes, then, despite it only feeling like a few seconds. He let go of her hand to close the door, but she took her freedom and turned away, stepping to the cupboard and pulling out pans to cook dinner with.

Bucky swallowed roughly as he looked down at her, running his tongue over his lips and his hand through his hair.

He turned and got his bottle of water from the fridge before going and sitting at the table where he'd set his book.

.

After dinner they were sitting on the couch, watching a comedy special and laughing at the comedian, enjoying the time before bed.

Bucky leaned back, his arms going along the back of the couch as he spread out a little, and after a few minutes, (Y/n)'s arm brushed against his side. Bucky looked down to see that she was getting closer, little by little. A smile lifted his lips, and he had to resist the urge to lean down and kiss the top of her throat where he could see it flexing slightly as she swallowed.

(Y/n) shifted a little, feeling Bucky's hand brush against her shoulder as she bumped against it on the back of the couch.

She missed him holding her.

She missed the way she felt so warm, and safe, and comfortable, and wanted, and loved in his arms.

She missed the feel of his strong muscles flexing against her as he shifted to hold her close.

She missed the way she could smell him, and feel his breath brush through her hair, and how he ran his fingers through her hair when he thought she wasn't paying attention.

Later, (Y/n) stood, heading up to go to bed, a little disappointed when Bucky didn't follow her.

... ... ...

Bucky pulled the tray of silverware from the dishwasher, putting the forks, spoons, and butter knives in the drawer before turning back to the tray and taking the large knife from it.

He turned to the block, but hesitated as a flash of throwing it into the ground at (Y/n)'s feet showed in his head. He set it on the counter as he continued unloading the dishwasher and looked at it, his eyes moving over the other knives in the block. He had been having a flashback, and had taken them for safety, but he could have hurt someone-

He could have hurt (Y/n).

Pain, guilt, horror, and regret all panged in his chest and belly as he realized just how badly he could have hurt her.

True, he would have been mortified and upset if he had hurt _anyone_ , but it felt so much worse at his previous thought.

_He could have hurt (Y/n)._

... ... ...

(Y/n) turned and reached for a knife to cut the chicken on the board for the salads, but her hand moved through empty space, and hung in the air as she stared at the knife block shaped space that had nothing there, right between the toaster and the bottle of extra virgin olive oil and salt and pepper shakers. Confusion covered her face and she called to the other room, "Hey, Bucky?"

"Yeah?" He asked, getting up from the couch and coming to the doorway.

"Wh-where are the knives?" She asked, trying to keep her eyes on his.

"I moved them," he told her, walking closer and opening a drawer before pulling out the top tray of the silverware organiser.

She looked in at it to see that there was a second tray under it with all of the knives hidden in it. "Why-" her voice stopped in her throat as she turned to look at him and saw that he was very close to her, now, his eyes slowly roving over her face. "Why did you move them?" She asked quietly.

"I," Bucky's eyes dropped to the knives, then shifted to the floor on the other side of him. "I didn't want anything to happen- in case... in case I had another flashback..." he murmured.

(Y/n) felt her lips quirk up at the corner as her cheeks heated. "Oh..." she murmured back softly.

Bucky stayed in the kitchen watching her cook as she finished dinner, and when they finished, he took the plates, rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher as (Y/n) headed upstairs, then went and sat down on the couch in the front room.

(Y/n) came back to the front room after having changed into what Bucky would guess was her pajamas, though they were different than any he'd seen before; she usually wore a baggy shirt and a pair of shorts, but this was a tank top with the shorts.

It seemed to highlight her collarbones and shoulders, making her neck seem longer as it hinted at cleavage from the bra she was still wearing, and Bucky had to force his eyes away, turning his head back to the tv across the room.

(Y/n) sat next to Bucky, trying not to bite her lip.

After a few minutes, he stretched his arms out along the couch as he turned to see the tv better, and (Y/n) shifted closer, turning as though she was trying to see the tv better, too, but moving until she felt Bucky's hand brush against her shoulder again. This time, he was touching her bare skin, and the warm, body temperature metal of his prosthetic arm brushed against her, giving whisper light touches.

(Y/n) felt a shiver run down her spine and shifted a little so that Bucky's hand was against her more.

Bucky's eyes trailed over her throat and lips, thinking of kissing her there and making her moan, as he started gently brushing his fingers over her shoulder. She didn't object, and he became a little bolder, running them over her skin. The realization that she was sitting next to him, letting him touch her with his metal hand made him a little excited, and he felt himself stiffening a bit against the zipper of his jeans.

(Y/n) felt goosebumps gently move up her neck as Bucky's fingers drew random patterns on the bare skin of her shoulder. Her neck wasn't the only part of her reacting, either; her nipples were tingling and starting to push against the fabric of her bra.

After the show they were watching was over, (Y/n) stood and said good night to Bucky, unable to take the need filling her belly going unfulfilled any longer, and made her way upstairs. She laid back on the bed as she threw her bra toward the dresser, her fingers slipping under her shirt and starting to play over her nipples.

Her hands slipped over her body as she thought of Bucky, touching her and tasting her, the way he had on the table, the way he had on the bed... by the time she had pushed her shorts and panties down her legs and slid her fingers between her thighs, her body was so excited that she arched up and nearly came so soon.

When she let her hands fall from her body, satiated, she tried to catch her breath. Her eyes opened to look down at herself, her tank top pulled up above her breasts, her shorts and underwear only on one leg, and thought of how Bucky had had her like this, making her come so hard reality had ceased to exist for a moment, and cursed that he hadn't been able to find a condom, because having him inside of her was something she wanted badly, and would never be able to recreate.

Her hand reached up and brushed against her head, making her realize that she didn't have her headphones on- and that this was probably the first time she'd masturbated without listening to a recording of the podcaster with her in a long time.

.

Bucky stood in the shower, his fist moving over his stiff cock as he worked the excited stiffness to the edge. "(Y/n)," he gasped. "Oh, Dollface..." His metal arm held him up as he leaned against the wall, panting for the beautiful woman down the hall from him as his hips started thrusting into his hand as it pumped up and down him.

Finally, he groaned and clenched his jaw tight as he fought the yell in his throat, his metal hand fisting and about to slam into the wall, but he caught it, opening it so that it slapped softer against the tile, still cracking it, but at least not destroying it.

He gasped for breath as his hips twitched, and he opened his eyes to look down at the streams of cum leaving his cock and mixing with the water swirling down the drain.

"(Y/n)," he sighed, laying his forehead against the wall. It would have been so much better with her...

He had to figure out a way that she would believe him when he told her how he felt about her.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- fluff. Important fluff! Smut.

 

The weekend was finally there- only, Bucky wasn't excited because _he'd_ have the time off; he only worked his job four days a week and did his podcasting thing sporadically throughout whenever he had time so that he could spend time with (Y/n).

No, he was excited because (Y/n) had the weekend off, and he got to sit on the couch with her, watching movies, reading books, staring at her, daydreaming about how she tasted- God, he really must sound like some sort of creepy stalker, but- he just wanted her so badly.

He could tell that he needed to go extremely slow to get her comfortable with him touching her casually again, but he could do it as long as he could still be with her, especially when she sat so close next to him, not saying a thing when his fingers brushed against her and ran over her skin in patterns.

... ... ...

(Y/n) came back into the living room, carrying the bowl of popcorn as she sat next to him, turning so that she could see the tv, since the couch was sideways against the wall. Bucky put his arms out around the back of the couch, settling back and spreading out, waiting a few moments before he let his hand stretch, his fingers brushing against her shoulder.

The commercials finally ended, and the movie started, and (Y/n) took a handful of popcorn and ate a few pieces, putting the bowl on Bucky's lap.

Bucky took a few pieces with the hand that wasn't touching (Y/n) and ate them, his body slowly, inch by inch shifting so that he was almost facing her back.

Twenty minutes into the movie, (Y/n) turned and grabbed another handful of popcorn, shifting as she turned back around so that her back was to Bucky.

After another few moments, (Y/n) slowly leaned back until she felt him against her back, not quite leaning against him, but letting their bodies just touch.

Bucky swallowed roughly as he tried to keep his breath under control. (Y/n)'s body was just brushing against his chest, feeling torturously soft and warm, and just out of reach. He let his fingers drift over her shoulder until his hand was on her for a moment, checking that she didn't object, then let it run down her back and around her side, wrapping around her waist as he guided her back against his chest.

(Y/n) was a little stiff at first, but when he paused, she started laying back on her own, and he continued guiding her. Bucky wondered if (Y/n) could feel his heart pounding in his chest, trying its damnedest to get out and be closer to her. She tensed up for a second in his arm, then shifted to take the bowl from his lap to hers and get more comfortable, turning toward his arm and the back of the couch a little, her eyes still on the tv.

(Y/n) pushed a few pieces of popcorn into her mouth, chewing, and Bucky pressed against her as he leaned over to take a few pieces of popcorn from the bowl with his free hand, and noticed that her jaw froze for a second as his chest pressed against her. He ate the popcorn in his hand slowly, trying to focus on the movie, but he kept smelling (Y/n)'s shampoo, wanting to bury his nose in her hair and take deep breath.

Bucky had swallowed his popcorn a few minutes before, when (Y/n) put another piece into her mouth, then took another piece and held it over her shoulder.

It took him a second, but Bucky figured out that she was trying to give him the popcorn. He licked his lips, trying hard to keep his breath steady as he let his hand touch her bare elbow, sliding up her warm flesh to her wrist, directing her hand to his mouth and taking the kernel, letting his lips brush against against her fingers as his thumb ran over the back of her hand.

(Y/n) swallowed hard and put her arm back down, not trying to shake him off as he still lightly held her.

Neither of them went for the popcorn again after that, nervous that if they moved voluntarily from the position of her wrapped in his arms, they'd never get back to it naturally.

Another few moments, and Bucky couldn't resist the urge to lay his cheek against the top of her head, burying his nose in her hair, and she didn't make any move to object or complain.

Bucky closed his eyes, marveling at the level of contentment that he felt, and couldn't for the life of him remember anything about the movie they'd been watching, or the two after. All he could remember was how she smelled and felt against him, and it had him going for the shower after (Y/n) had gotten ready for bed in there.

God, he really needed to figure out how to tell her how he felt about her, fast, before he masturbated himself to death just from touching her.

... ... ...

(Y/n) laid back against the arm of the couch, on the opposite side from where she normally sat, reading one of the books from Bucky's bookcases. Because the house had been his grandparents's, and they had left everything to him, he had a wide collection of books gathered over many years, and it always seemed easy to find something interesting to read on the shelves in the little room that looked like a tiny library.

Bucky walked into the room from the kitchen, holding out her bottle, newly filled with cold water.

"Thanks," she told him, smiling as her heart skipped a beat.

"No problem," he told her as he sat down next to her with his own book.

The tv softly played in the background, keeping the noise out of Bucky's mind that filled it with a maddening buzz in the silence, and one of the stray cats had wandered into the house and laid on the opposite end of the couch, curled in a circle and sleeping like an adorable little pile of fur.

(Y/n) shifted around again, unconsciously throwing her leg out along the couch so that it landed on Bucky's knee. She glanced up and saw where it was and felt her cheeks heating up as she pulled it off of him, murmuring, "sorry."

Bucky took a breath to replace the one he had missed, then licked his lips, hoping that (Y/n) didn't notice his nervousness. Keeping his eyes on the pages in front if him, he reached out, finding (Y/n)'s calf and pulling it up onto his lap, followed by the other.

(Y/n) bit the inside of her lip, looking down her body to see Bucky's focus on the book in his hands as she sat back, her legs across his lap, as though they had done this a thousand times before. Her eyes turned back to the book she was reading, only flicking up to Bucky again when his hand laid on her leg.

He was so... soft... That was the only word (Y/n) could think of to describe him at the moment, but it fit. And made all the funny, tingly feelings shiver through her stomach.

After a few more minutes, Bucky's fingers started trailing in random patterns over her skin, raising goosebumps along her legs.

He glanced over at her to see her lip in her teeth as she read the book in her hand, but she was definitely not telling him to stop, so Bucky looked back to his book, but his focus was on the feeling of (Y/n)'s soft skin under his fingers.

They stayed like that until (Y/n) got up to make lunch, and Bucky followed her, helping her prepare things.

"So, I noticed that you haven't gone out with that guy in a while," he said, trying to sound casual.

She looked up at him before going back to the salad she was mixing and shrugged.

"It's been like, two weeks, or something," he commented, trying to sound like he couldn't rattle off the exact number of minutes since he'd tasted her on his bed.

"Well... We gave it a try, but..." (Y/n) turned and pulled the dressing from the fridge to hide the flare up of heat in her cheeks. "Decided we are better as friends. We still message, though," she said, trying not to let any hint show that she had been the one to end it, or that he had anything to do with her decision.

Bucky repressed his smile, trying not to look like he was happy to hear her saying that.

They sat at the table eating, and Bucky's eyes were drawn to the spot on the table where he'd sat her, and felt himself stiffen a bit at the memory.

God, it had been too long since he'd had her, and the memory wasn't helping him at all.

... ... ...

_"Wait, you did_ what _?!"_ Steve demanded.

"Steve," Bucky chided. "It's-"

_"No, nu-uh, no way,"_ Steve cut him off, _"Don't try to tell me it was nothing. Not when you've been in love with her since high school. It's not nothing. Sleeping with the woman you're in love with isn't nothing."_

"It- it wasn't nothing. It definitely _wasn't_ nothing... but Steve, the next morning, I made breakfast, I was going to tell her how I feel, I was going to ask her- fuck, man, I was going to ask her to be with me-"

_"Language,"_ Steve chided half heartedly.

"- but then she told me it was a mistake. She said she wanted to pretend it didn't happen, and..." Bucky could feel the emotions pushing at his eyes and rubbed the palm of his hand over them, thinking it was stupid to cry at this so long after it had happened.

_"She- She did?"_ Bucky could hear the confusion in Steve's question. _"When did this happen?"_

"Like- like a month ago, or so, man," Bucky admitted.

_"A month?! Come on, I thought you told your best friend everything,"_ Steve protested.

"I didn't tell anyone, and I don't think she has either-"

_"I told you when Peggy and I did it,"_ Steve protested.

"Yeah, but she didn't immediately tell you she thought it was a mistake and to pretend it never happened," Bucky pointed out.

Steve took a breath to say something, but let it out. _"Yeah... But that doesn't sound like her... maybe..."_

"Maybe what? Maybe she hates me? Maybe she never really liked me? Maybe she got over me?" He asked a bit harshly, trying to push away the dark feelings.

_"No, I'm pretty sure she hasn't... but maybe she... It's like when we were in school; she thought you were trying to hurt her, and she immediately closed off, pushed you away and got mad at herself for liking you..."_

Bucky shook his head. "Why would she think I was trying to hurt her, anyway?"

_"Because the jerks who were were popular, and you made the same actions, though honestly, and you were popular."_

"Yeah, how is that? I was as big a nerd as you," he commented. "Does being in the science club and having good grades not count as being a nerd anymore?" He asked with a dry chuckle.

_"Well, Buck, you were pretty charming, and the girls thought you were good looking- though I have no idea why,"_ Steve teased, lightening the mood.

Bucky felt his lips turning up in a nostalgic smile. "So, what the hell do I do about this?" He asked as the smile fell.

_"Bucky, you gotta tell her how you feel, that you don't want to pretend that it never happened, that it wasn't a mistake to you... The longer you wait, the harder it is going to be, for both you, and her."_

After hanging up with Steve, Bucky took a shower, trying to come up with a plan.

He needed to tell her, it was true, but he didn't know how.

Bucky climbed out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, glad that he had gotten in; he always had some great ideas in there, and this time was no exception.

... ... ...

"What are we doing here?" (Y/n) asked as Bucky stopped his motorcycle in front of a fancy store.

"Getting something for a special occasion," he told her.

They walked in and (Y/n) could see that mannequins in fancy gowns were around the store on one side, and on the other, the mannequins were in tuxedos.

"Someone you know getting married?" She asked.

Bucky shook his head, leading her through the fanciest of the clothes to a section a little more casual, though they could all probably be worn to a fancy gathering, like a cocktail party or something.

"So what are you looking for?" She asked.

Bucky grinned, but didn't comment.

A sales woman came up to them, looking a little snooty at her workout clothes and his jeans, shirt, and leather biker's jacket. "Can I help you?" She asked.

Bucky glanced over to where (Y/n) was distracted by a dress, and pulled the assistant a short ways away. "I want to find her something that would be good for..." He leaned over to check that (Y/n) was still far enough away to not overhear. "I'm planning a very special, hopefully memorable evening, and I want her to get a nice, new dress for the occasion."

He told her the name of the restaurant he'd made reservations at, and the woman looked a little surprised, giving him a look of reevaluation. "It's a secret, of course," he told the woman with a conspiratory smirk, and she smiled and nodded back.

"I'll find her something gorgeous," she assured, and made her way back to (Y/n).

... ... ...

"Why am I getting this dress?" (Y/n) asked.

"'Cause, doll," Bucky answered. He hadn't seen it, as it and a pair of matching shoes were in a dress bag, but the sales assistant had assured him that he'd be picking his jaw up from the ground, and he believed her; she was a professional, after all.

(Y/n) squinted at him, trying to catch his eye. "I'm not buying it. Pretty sure I couldn't even afford a bottle of water from here," she told him with an eyeroll.

"Never said you were, doll," Bucky told her with a smirk.

God (Y/n) wanted to kiss- uh, wipe- that smirk off his gorgeous- um, mildly handsome- face. ... Shit. She was so deep already... (Y/n) heaved a sigh. "No, you're not."

"Didn't think you had the right to tell me what I could do with my money," he teased as he looked down at her, biting his lip as his mind added a tiny, hopeful, 'yet'.

(Y/n)'s eyes were drawn to his mouth as he slowly released the pink flesh. "I- I don't have anywhere to wear it," she told him, forcing her eyes up to his.

Bucky's lips tilted back into that smirk as his body tilted toward her, his hand going to the counter behind her to lean against it, and his other hand went to his hip across his body from her.

He was so close. She could smell him, his soap, and shampoo, and- God, that smell that was just him...

She wanted to bury her nose in his neck, tell him to put her on the counter and wrap her legs around his hips- oh fuck, she needed to feel that hot, heavy feeling of him inside of her again.

"Maybe I just want to see you in a dress, (Y/n)."

(Y/n) swallowed roughly as she looked back up to him.

"Maybe I been thinkin' about it since I saw you in that one shirt," he rumbled, his voice getting a little deeper, and damn it, he must have hit that special octave, because she could feel herself starting to get wet.

Bucky tried to play it off like he was joking, but he was serious; he'd been trying to picture (Y/n) in a dress for quite a while, just as quickly thinking about tearing it from her body and throwing it disrespectfully on the floor.

He lifted his hand, letting the backs of his fingers brush along her cheek, and (Y/n) felt sure that he was going to kiss her. Her breath caught in her lungs as he leaned just a little closer, now facing her.

"(Y/n)," he whispered, and her lips parted subconsciously, making room for his against them.

"I can help the next person in line over here," a voice called from down the counter, breaking the spell over them, and Bucky leaned just a little closer as he took the dress bag from her hands, turning and walking to the counter with a smile.

(Y/n) blinked rapidly, licking her lips and trying to get a hold of herself.

... ... ...

"Fuck- your beautiful lips," Bucky moaned, slowly stroking himself. "Ah, baby, I want to kiss them so badly- I always miss them when you're gone..." He panted for a moment with his eyes closed. "This is what you do to me... you make me all lonely and pathetic without you... Oh, God, doll- ah- I'm just a horny, trembling mess without you... I want to hold you against me and kiss you- god- make love to you like we're the only people in the world, and we have to repopulate the whole fucking planet-" Bucky chuckled, a smile stretching his lips. "Yeah, I thought about that, too... Mostly I just want to hold you and make you scream my name, but, yeah, baby, I think about that, too, sometimes..."

God, he was so glad that no one he knew would ever hear these recordings- he admitted to some pretty deep and personal fantasies in them, and he might die of embarrassment if someone like Steve ever found out.

He stroked his hand down, and his fingers stroked over an amazing feeling nerve. "Fuck," he choked as his eyes popped open to see the picture of (Y/n) on his screen, one he'd taken in secret with her sitting back against the arm of the couch, her legs stretched out across his lap, her lip in her teeth and her eyes focused on the book in one hand as the other played with her hair.

She looked so-

So much like home... and so fucking beautiful.

Despite what she thought, (Y/n) looked better sitting on that couch with her hair all messy from running her fingers through it, lost in a book, than most other women did on the best day of their lives.

Bucky swallowed roughly as his hand traveled up his cock, but as it went back down, his fingers went over that nerve again making his eyes roll back. "Fuuuck," he groaned. "Oh fuck, doll-" He tried to catch his breath as his hand sped up on its own. "Oh, baby, I can't breathe- it feels so good- So good-! I can tell 'm- n-not going to last long- oh god!" Bucky cried out, barely remembering to pull away from the mic.

His hand was quickly moving up and down, unable to stop from chasing the blissful feeling at the end.

"Fuck- baby, fuck- please don't stop- right there- ah! God! Fuck!" Bucky barely managed to grab the hand towel around the head of his cock, fingers still stroking him as he came. "Oh, fuck, baby-" He panted, trying to catch his breath as he came down from the orgasm that had snuck up on him.

"Oh, god," he licked his lips, "Oh fuck, babydoll- see?" He asked with a laugh. "See what happens when you're gone? I feel so neglected that I scream for you instead of the other way around..." He chuckled more, looking down at himself, cleaning up with trembling fingers. "God, I love you so much, doll."

He paused, looking up at his equipment as he realized what he had just let slip. He swallowed roughly and licked his lips. "I love you so much..." he quietly repeated, feeling an ache in his heart at his thought of (Y/n) as he stopped the recording and laid back on the chair.

"And now for a nap until I go get you, Dollface," he murmured.

He didn't bother doing up his pants, just flopped face down on the bed and pulled a pillow toward him.

His dream was just on the edge of turning to a nightmare, the bombs falling from the sky and turning everyone he knew and loved into dust as he stood there, unable to even move, when his alarm went off, waking him up.

Bucky sat up, sweating heavily, the cold wetness making chills run down his spine.

(Y/n) had saved him from _another_ nightmare, without even being there this time.

He wiped off his brow and went to clean up before going to pick her up.

... ... ...

(Y/n) walked into the house, headed to take her bag upstairs, but she paused by the doorway to the front room, her brows meeting in confusion.

Bucky closed the door behind him, a smile turning up his lips as she saw what he'd done. "Anything wrong?" He asked nonchalantly.

(Y/n) opened her mouth, taking a breath that she let out, licked her lips, and tried again. "You- you moved the couch..." She gestured to how the couch was turned toward the tv now, and his recliner had taken its place against the wall.

Bucky made a face and shrugged as though it didn't matter. "Yeah. You said that it was hard to watch the tv with the couch all sideways," he commented.

(Y/n) watched him walk past her into the room, taking off his jacket, as though it was nothing to worry about that his arm was showing, tossing the leather onto the recliner and turning back to her. "You gonna put your bag away and come back?" He asked, nodding toward the bag she had forgotten was on her shoulder.

(Y/n) swallowed, then again, but couldn't regain her tongue, so she just nodded, turning and heading to the stairs, feeling her heart straining to keep all of her emotions inside of it.

Bucky was sitting in the middle of the couch when she got back, giving her no choice but to sit next to him, but she probably would have anyway... she was starting to crave his touch as badly as she craved her favorite comfort food during her period.

... ... ...

Bucky tried to keep a scowl off of his face, unfolding his arms while glaring at the tv.

He was going to put the damn couch back the way it had been. Yes, it was so much easier to see the tv, but now, (Y/n) didn't put her legs up on his lap like she had been for the last few days.

All before dinner, and since they'd come back to the front room to watch some tv before bed, she was just sitting in the couch, facing the screen.

Bucky clenched his jaw, unflexing his fingers as he glanced over at her.

She looked like she wasn't that interested in the show, her phone in her hand.

Bucky decided to take matters into his own hands and reached down, his fingers slipping under her calves and pulling her legs up into his lap. She looked at him, but he kept his focused on the tv as he started rubbing her ankles, acting like nothing was out of the ordinary. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her bite her lip, then turn back to the show, also acting like nothing was out of the ordinary.

He must have hit a tender spot on her foot, because she moaned, and it made him react to the sweet sound. He focused on the spot, spending the rest of the time they were there making the sweetest sounds leave her lips in appreciation.

Finally, it was bedtime.

(Y/n) turned to Bucky, feeling nervousness squeeze her lungs and make it hard to get a proper breath. "D-do, um- have you been... how are-" She cleared her throat and started again. "Bucky, how have you been sleeping?"

He turned to her, taking a hesitant breath before he quietly let out, "not well..."

(Y/n) nodded, looking down at her hands as they twisted her phone around in them. "My- um, my back feels pretty good... I could probably... I could probably sleep on the couch tonight... If- only if you wanted to- I mean, I should just mind my own business-"

Bucky held her foot as she tried to get up to leave, stopping her. "I'd like that- the couch," he told her, elaborating that he didn't want her to mind her own business.

She looked up at him shyly. A hint of a smile lifting her lips. "I'm going to go get my pajamas on, then," she told him, and he let her foot go as she stood.

He felt the smile growing over his face, making him look like an idiot as he watched her go, but he didn't care.

Idiot or not, he was going to get to hold her in his arms that night.

... ... ...

Bucky smiled, still half asleep as he tightened his arms around (Y/n).

She felt like heaven in his arms.

And he was a sap.

But he was the sap with (Y/n), the woman he loved, in his arms, and that made him not give a fuck what anyone thought.

He tilted his head and kissed the top of her head. "Dollface, you feel so good in my arms," he breathed.

She let out a soft snort and turned, shifting into him more as she woke up, blinking up at him with a sleepy look.

"Mornin'," he greeted, running his fingers through her hair, and over her jaw through it.

"Morning," she answered, staring up at him.

What was with that super soft look he was giving her?

That sweet looking smile...

It seemed so full of some sort of emotion, something she couldn't quite put her finger on.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- oh my gosh, I'm so sorry it's been so long. I have been working six day weeks for like, the last two months, and it has been wearing at me hard.   
> So, fluff… More fluff in this one… lol. Anxiety, PTSD anxiety attack. Pining…

 

Bucky had seemed twitchy all morning, and (Y/n) had started suspecting that he was up to something.

"You feeling ok?" She asked as she put a stack of pancakes on his plate.

"Yeah- yeah, fine. Why, what have you heard?" He asked with a cheeky smile.

(Y/n) rolled her eyes as a smile grew over her lips, and turned to the stove, turning back with a pan and pushing a few sausages onto his plate. "Not much, but nothing good," she teased back.

"Good," his voice rumbled lowly, sounding as though it had gained some heat, "then I can stick to all the bad things I wanna do."

(Y/n)'s hands tightened on the pan and spatula in them and she swallowed in an attempt to soothe her now dry throat as she felt her panties dampen a little.

Bucky noticed the way (Y/n) ran her tongue over her bottom lip, realizing by now that it was some sort of nervous tick, and worried if he'd gone just a little fast for her. "I- I just- that thing we got the dress for... It's tonight," he told her, feeling his nerves start tightening again.

"Oh," she murmured. "What, ah- what is it we're going to?" She asked, her heart speeding up at the thought that he was not only choosing to take her with him, but also had gotten her an amazing, and expensive, dress to wear.

"It's a surprise," he smiled to her.

"How will I know how to act?" She asked pointedly as she carried his plate to him and set it down.

Bucky's smile was soft, but still made her heart skip a beat or two, especially when he took her hand in his. "Just be yourself. You're perfect the way you are, doll," he told her.

(Y/n)'s heart stopped, not just skipped a beat- completely stopped. She wasn't sure how the blood managed to get up to her cheeks without her heart beating, but somehow it did, warming her face. He was gazing up at her, his eyes full of fondness at the sight of her blood filled cheeks, and (Y/n) was aware of her heart beating again, throbbing painfully.

Bucky stood, searching her eyes as his flesh hand left the job of holding her hand to his metal one, going up to brush over, then cup her cheek. "You ok, doll?"

(Y/n) gave a small gasp and realized that she hadn't taken a breath for a moment. "F-fine," she murmured as she looked up into his eyes. His lips turned up in a heart melting smile, and surprise- her heart melted. "P-pancakes!" (Y/n) blinked and tried to step back.

Bucky moved with her, his eyes on her lips and trailing back up to her eyes. "They're not burning, doll," he told her softly, the corner of his mouth quirking before falling as he licked his lips, his eyes dropping to her lips. His lips parted and a soft, warm breath blew across her lips, bringing a soft scent of him with it that made her inner muscles tense.

Bucky licked his lips again and a smirk grew over them as he watched his thumb trace over her bottom lip, his eyes lifting back up to (Y/n)'s. "I'm really looking forward to tonight, doll. (Y/n)," he murmured before dropping his hand and stepping back. He waited until she turned and went back to the stove before he sat down, his gaze following her as she filled her plate and sat down.

.

(Y/n) stared at herself in the bathroom mirror.

She had bought some makeup, thinking that if whatever gathering Bucky was dragging her to was fancy enough for the three hundred dollars he'd spent on the outfit, she could spend fifty or so dollars and some effort on makeup so that she didn't embarrass him by letting the other people there think that she didn't care enough to look nice by their standards.

When she had finished, having followed the video tutorial as best she could for the makeup design she'd liked the most, she made sure that any stray spots were gone, and looked at herself in all directions, turning this way and that.

She finished her hair quickly, working it into a semi formal braid, but leaving it casual enough that it was comfortable and wouldn't give her a headache through the night. After a layer of hair spray to hold it, she looked out through a crack in the door, making sure that Bucky wasn't there before she hurried down the hall in just his shirt and boxers as she went to get dressed, feeling a little strange with the formal face and lounging clothes.

(Y/n) didn't let out her tense breath until she got the door closed behind her, and took another as she opened the dress bag containing her outfit for the night, including her special underwear that the sales lady hadn't let her say no to. The strapless bra had made sense, but as much as she had tried to say no to the matching, lacy thong, the lady had given her a look and told her to trust her and take it, that she would be glad later.

(Y/n) rolled her eyes and started pulling on the clothes laid out in front of her.

.

Bucky brushed his hands over his hair, making sure that all of it that _could_ reach the elastic it was in did, and that the few pieces hanging outside of it looked well groomed, then tightened and straightened his tie, his lips lifting in a smile as he wondered what (Y/n) was going to look like when she opened her door.

He had spent a pretty penny on her clothes, but that's not why he cared; the money he'd used had been from his military disability, which had just been coming every month and rotting in his account since they'd started sending it. He didn't like feeling like they thought he wasn't capable of anything anymore, and had just let the money sit, using his job and extra income from his podcast to live on, but now he had something worth spending it on; (Y/n). A special dinner at a fancy restaurant, and a beautiful dress to wear to it.

He ran his hand over his hair one last time to make sure it wasn't out of control somewhere, then made his way down the hall to (Y/n)'s door, feeling nervousness build in his gut like he was back in high school, about to ask a girl out for the first time. He knocked on her door and waited as his fingers nervously ran over the fabric of his suit pants.

(Y/n) opened the door and Bucky's eyes moved up to hers, but dropped back down to make the trip again, more slowly this time, taking her in. And yes, the sales woman was right; he was going to have to scoop his jaw off the floor before he tripped over it.

The dress was a beautiful color that only looked better as it was set off against her skin, sleeveless with a tie behind her neck that let a bit of cleavage peek out, forming tightly around her breasts before being nicely fitted at her stomach, and flaring out at her hips to flirt around her knees with a bit of an underskirt to keep it puffy.

Her hair was the perfect balance between formal and casual, but braided, making him want to run his fingers through it to undo her hard work and take his own pleasure at seeing it mussed from actions he also wanted to take- he could already imagine pressing her against the wall and letting his hand slide up her thigh, rub over her panties until she begged him to pull them off and make his head disappear from view under her skirt...

Bucky bit his lip as his eyes moved up to her nervous face, and his breath caught in his lungs as her beautiful (y/e/c) eyes met his from under a dark fluff of thick lashes, the minimal makeup she'd used highlighting her features and making her look even more beautiful.

"Does it look ok," she asked, her voice soft and nervous.

Bucky could only nod mutely, watching as she turned to get her shoes. He saw that the back was open to the waist except for a band to hide her bra band, which was what was keeping the bust tight against her. Her shoes matched the dress, having a heel on them that lifted her and highlighted her legs, but didn't make her taller than Bucky, straps criss crossing over her feet and ankles. She finished buckling the tiny straps and stood, turning back to him, seeing his lip between his teeth.

They rode in a cab to a fancy restaurant so that neither of their outfits were ruffled and messed up.

Bucky stepped out of the cab and moved around it quickly to (Y/n)'s door, opening it and offering a hand to help her out before paying the cab driver and leading (Y/n) to the entrance, wrapping her hand around his arm, of course, custom dictated it was his left, but she had no hesitations to hold onto the metal appendage as though there were no difference between it and his right, and he felt his heartbeat skip a little.

Bucky informed the hostess of their reservations and they were shown to a table nearish to the middle of the room.

"We- we need a different table," (Y/n) told the woman.

"Sorry, ma'am," the hostess said, sounding a little offended. "We're at capacity- which means that there are no more tables-"

"But, you don't understand," (Y/n) insisted, cutting her off.

"It's fine," Bucky leaned close and murmured to her as he put his hand on the small of her back.

She looked over at him uncertainly.

"Really, Dollface, fine," he assured, turning her toward the chair. "It's fine," he told the hostess, who turned and went back to her station.

(Y/n) sat in the chair as Bucky pushed it in, and watched him walk to the other side of the table and sit. "So, it's just us?" She asked as she watched Bucky look over the silverware a little anxiously.

He picked up the serrated knife and moved it farther away from him, not looking at it as he spoke to her, playing it off as nothing. "It is. I hope that's ok."

"Certainly," (Y/n) answered as butterflies fluttered through her stomach. She picked up the knife he'd set down and inspected the handle. "I think this is the restaurant's name burned into the handle here; this must be a very fancy place... I hope it's not too expensive," she commented, setting the knife down next to hers, also not acknowledging it as anything strange, her eyes focused on his.

"Don't worry about it; nothing's too good for you, Dollface."

She could tell from his voice that he was a little anxious, trying to push it back, but that fact was pushed through to the back of her mind at him calling her Dollface again. It made tingles run through her at the memory of him calling her that as he came, making her come around him again as well. She felt her cheeks heating up and saw Bucky's lips turn up in a small smile.

They ordered their food, and it arrived, set in front of them in stunning arrangements on beautiful plates.

Bucky was trying hard to repress the anxiety pulsing in his blood, not want it to ruin his plans for the perfect night, but it was rather noisy; silverware and glasses clinking and dresses and starched suits rustling as the room full of people moved, what amounted to black and white streaks as waiters and waitresses quickly moved through the tables, bringing things to customers, bus staff clearing tables as quietly as possible. There was a light piano piece playing over the speakers, just audible over the rest of the noise, as well, not loud enough to interrupt anyone's conversation, but added in with all the other noises, it was all too much, and had Bucky on edge.

"Bucky," (Y/n) hesitated. "Is there a reason we came here? An anniversary or something?"

Bucky shook his head as he offered a smile. "I just wanted a good steak," he said, picking up his cutlery and beginning to cut his steak with the new knife that had come with the plate.

(Y/n) could feel the tension he was trying to hide from her, and it made her want to move her chair next to him and wrap her arms around him. But, if not talking about it is what he wanted, she didn't want to force it and make things worse.

Bucky's eyes were locked on (Y/n)'s lips, giving him a slight daydream about how he hoped that he'd get to taste them again after his plan to confess his feelings to her played out.

Conversation was light and easy as they ate, distracting Bucky a little from the anxiety raising the fine hairs on the back of his neck.

There was a sudden commotion near them as a patron turned and a bus boy didn't get out of the way fast enough, tripping to his knees and dropping the tub of dishes to the floor in front if him. Both were apologizing, but the noise had already rattled through Bucky's brain. His grip on the knife had changed to a defensive hold, his fingers tightening around the fork as well.

"Bucky?" (Y/n)'s soft voice rippled through his mind, and his heart sped up, breaking the gate of his control.

"Please excuse me," he managed to say as he dropped his flatware and stood from the table, hurrying to find the bathroom.

He made it through the door before the panic attack fully set in, stumbling to the sink and managing to wet his shaking hands to run them over his face. His muscles were so tense he couldn't manage much movement from them, and he began pacing back and forth in front of the mirror and few sinks.

.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, the ladies room is just that way," a waiter told (Y/n) as she made it to the men's room door.

"Sorry, um, I know this is going to sound weird, but there are extenuating circumstances, and I need to go in there."

The young man shook his head. "Sorry, ma'am-"

"Look, there is a returned veteran in there, and he is about to, or is already, having a panic attack. Anyone else goes in there, there could be trouble," she insisted.

The boy paused, but didn't relent.

"I'm sorry, ma'am; I can't let you go in there," Bucky heard a voice say outside the door.

"Yeah? Well try and stop me," (Y/n) snapped back at the other speaker.

Bucky went into a stall and locked the door, leaning against the wall, trying to cool his head.

"I'm sorry," (Y/n) tried to pull back, taking a breath to handle the situation, "I know that you're just trying to do your job. Maybe I can explain the situation to your manager. Would you go get them for me?" (Y/n) asked, trying to calm herself.

The waiter seemed a little suspicious and hesitated for a moment, but then nodded and turned, glancing back at her as he made his way to the hostess stand.

(Y/n) waited for him to be out of sight before she looked around and ducked into the bathroom, closing the door and turning the lock to keep everyone else out. "Bucky," she called softy, easily determining that he was in the only closed stall. She walked closer to the door and put her hand on it, finding it locked. "Will you let me in?" She could hear him start panting in distress, and felt her heart throb painfully. "Bucky... please?"

He shuffled a little but didn't open the door.

"I'd hate to have to crawl under the door on the dirty floor in this insanely expensive dress," she told him softly. Finally, there was a soft click, and (Y/n) waited a moment before opening the door to see Bucky against the wall, his eyes clenched shut, his hands occupying themselves with holding tightly to the edge of his jacket and his hair. He was trying to control his breath as it panted through his clenched jaw. He looked like he was in pain, and (Y/n)'s first instinct was to rush to him and wrap her arms around him.

She held herself back, not wanting to throw too much at him at once. She calmly stepped toward him and put her hand on his shoulder. "We can go home if you want."

He didn't respond, but turned toward her a little.

(Y/n) ran her hand to his chest and let the other one meet it there. After a moment of him not objecting, she slowly let her hands slide around his back under his suit jacket as she got closer. His eyes opened, and she could see a bit of desperation in them. She laid against his chest and tightened her arms around him comfortingly. "When it's over, we could go home and try to find a cheesy horror movie, tell the characters how stupid they're being." A huff left his lips, and she recognized it as a laugh.

"Bucky, keep breathing with me- we could stop at the store and get some sodas and popcorn, and throw all the pillows and blankets in the house on the floor in the front room and make a fort to hide from the ghosts in-"

Bucky's arms wrapped around her, one on her waist, one on her back.

"And you can eat the rest of your fancy steak on the floor like a little kid," she chuckled at the thought as he buried his nose in her hair at the top of her head. "I'm sorry my makeup is probably ruining your suit," she told him softly.

He let out another huff against her hair, and mumbled to her, "what did I ever do to deserve someone as wonderful as you in my life?"

(Y/n) blinked at his comment, resisting the instant refusal to acknowledge that he had said something nice about her honestly.

Bucky's arms tightened around her. "God, I want you to stay in it..." He sighed nearly silently.

(Y/n)'s eyes widened and she pulled back to look into Bucky's eyes. "Bucky," she breathed in question. He looked down at her, and she couldn't tell if the pain there was due to the panic attack or some other emotion he had.

She was about to ask, when the door opened, and she looked over to see a man who was obviously the manager walking toward them.

"Excuse me-"

"I'm going to need our food packed up to go," (Y/n) cut the man off, startling him as she kept her arms around Bucky. "And I think I'm going to have to have a talk to you about your response time in a personal crisis, especially when a former member of the military, who fought for your freedom, needs support that you are refusing them," she snipped, sending the man a deadly look.

The manager's eyes grew larger and larger as she spoke, and by the end, he nearly stuttered. "O-f course, madam- let me go attend to that right this moment," he said as he turned and left the room.

"I hope you don't mind me acting all tough and ripping that guy a new one so I don't get in trouble for being in the men's room..."

Bucky chuckled and she swore he kissed the top of her head. "Let's go home," he murmured to her.

Bucky straightened himself up and they walked out to the hostess stand, seeing that a bus boy had been stationed at the door to keep anyone else out of the way.

The manager was at the hostess stand, waiting for them. "I want to apologize again, your meal is on the house. And please let me take this time to thank you for your service," he said as he held out a bag containing their food.

(Y/n)'s brow crimped and she looked up to see an uncomfortable look on Bucky's face. She could tell that the thought of accepting was making him uncomfortable. "No, we'll be paying," she answered to the manager, whipping out her wallet before Bucky realized what was happening and pushing a card into the man's hand.

"(Y/n)," Bucky objected, but she just wrapped her arm around his, shushing him.

"Madam," the manager objected as well.

"I can stand here all day and wait for my receipt," she offered stubbornly. She was not going to let Bucky feel bad or embarrassed because the manager was trying to assuage his own guilt.

"I was supposed to be buying you dinner, doll," Bucky told her softly, still worn out from the panic attack.

"Think of it as thanks for the dress," she told him, giving him a fond smile.

The manager spoke quietly to one of the wait staff nearby and they took the card, running it through a system quickly in the back before returning with it. The manager turned to them and handed (Y/n) her card, which she put away before taking the bag he was holding out, a confused look crossing her face as she looked over at Bucky's hand, which had the bag containing their dinners. "Please accept my personal apology, and these desserts as well as our thanks for your husband's service."

Bucky's eyes flew open and he looked to (Y/n) out of the corner of his eye to see her reaction. Her cheeks heated and she paused before saying, "thank you."

Bucky felt his heart pounding as she didn't deny or quickly snap at the man that they weren't even dating, let alone married. He grinned and quickly leaned in to kiss her warm cheek. "Let's go catch a cab, Dollface," he told her, letting his lips brush her ear to finish soft enough for only her to hear, "so I can get you home, out of that dress, and into something a little more comfortable."

.

(Y/n) walked through the door to the front room and made her way to the couch, climbing on over where Bucky laid, settling against him.

"Mmm, Dollface, you look so comfortable," he groaned as though it were a turn on.

(Y/n) made a face and lightly smacked him, making him chuckle. "Why are you calling me Dollface?" She asked softly after a moment.

Bucky hesitated, biting his lip. "Why do you think?" He asked, just as softly.

She lifted her head to look up at him. "I don't know," she answered slowly, a guarded look in her eyes.

Bucky smiled sadly. "Maybe- one day, I'll be able to tell you, and you'll believe me," he whispered.

She buried her head against his chest, feeling butterflies fluttering in her heart as he began stroking her hair.

... ... ...

"I haven't seen that in a while," Dr. Bradley commented, tilting his head toward the leather bound journal in Bucky's hand.

Bucky shrugged, looking at the book and letting his thumb flip a few pages.

"And you're not wearing your glove."

Bucky opened his mouth to say something, but closed it, biting his lip in confusion. When had he stopped wearing it?

"May I see your journal, James?" Dr. Bradley asked. He took it and flipped through the pages, taking note of the main themes of his writing and sketching, though the drawings weren't amazing. "There seems to be a lot in here about (Y/n)," he commented before setting the book down. "Have you told her about how you feel, yet?"

Bucky shook his head. "I tried, but," he chuckled a bit sadly and launched into the story of what had happened.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Truths are revealed, also the reason why Bucky started the podcast, and requests are made... Real talk about PTSD. If you would like my resources, I’d be glad to give them, but I don’t want to put in unnecessary links (so I’ll probably put them as a comment). This one is a little short, but the next one... I hope it will be worth the wait...

After his appointment with the therapist, there was still about an hour until (Y/n) got off of work, so Bucky decided to go to the store and do a little bit of shopping.

Bucky looked around as he made his way down the aisle, fighting embarrassment and wondering why he should feel embarrassed.

It was a common item, lots of people bought them!

He'd bought them! Admittedly not for a while, which is why he'd run out, and at the most inopportune time...

He looked up at the colorful boxes in front if him, surprise etching his features as he saw how many different kinds had come out since he'd last gotten a box.

He was comparing one against another, forgetting to be embarrassed, when a woman walked down the aisle, stopping near him to look at the feminine products. He glanced up at her, but she was avoiding eye contact, too, and it made him feel a little better that he wasn't the only one embarrassed to be down this aisle.

Bucky sighed quietly and thought about just putting them back and forgetting about it, after all, there was not even a hint that (Y/n) would ever want to have sex with him again, and he was pretty sure that he wasn't going to be able to be with any other woman any time soon; the condoms would probably just sit in his drawer until they expired and needed to be thrown out.

He winced as he remembered that the one he'd pulled out of his wallet had most likely been expired and was only in there because he had just never thought about it to take it out, but thinking of when he was throwing things out of his nightstand, he resolutely put a box in the basket, hiding it under a loaf of bread.

It was always better to have protection and not need it than to need it and not have it.

... ... ...

(Y/n) pulled her headphones on and turned on the newest podcast on her phone, listening to it as she cleaned the house and Bucky was up working. It felt strange for her to not be working when he was, now, but the gym had closed for a holiday, and the phone company he worked for hadn't.

She was starting to feel a whole lot of sexual frustration, as well, but she was unwilling to not lay next to him on the couch and feel his arms around her, just so that she didn't feel like she needed him all the time.

 _"Mmm, baby, I miss you so much when you're gone,"_ the podcaster said. _"The house feels so empty without you, like you packed up all the warmth and happiness to carry with you in your pocket. I know that you don't do it on purpose, it's just that... Babydoll. You're becoming the heart of the house, making me want to see your face so badly that I can't do anything but think of you when you're not here."_ He sighed.

 _"Mm, baby, why does work have to be a thing? Why can't you be content to sit back and let me take care of you?"_ He chuckled. _"But I know; you being so independent is one of the things I love about you. It just makes me so lonely when I can't see you."_ He cleared his throat. _"And when I get lonely, I think about... Baby I think about all the things I want to do to you, all of the beautiful places on your body I want to kiss... God, baby, I want to run my hands up your back, down your waist, give a squeeze to your ass,"_ he chuckled. _"Lick up your neck, find that one spot that makes it hard for you to breath- mmm,"_ he groaned. _"You see, baby? See how hard I am just from thinking of you, and I'm only at kissing your neck, I haven't even gotten to your lips, or breasts, or any of the rest of you."_

There was a little bit of heavy breathing, and he spoke again. _"Mm, doll, I don't think I can wait for you to get home; I think I'm going to have to take care of myself, but don't worry, I'm going to take care of you, too, and I'll be able to last a little longer when you get home."_

(Y/n) set her phone on the kitchen counter as she wiped it down, not wanting it to fall out of her pants pocket and break.

She didn't hear anything other than the podcaster describing the things he thought about, and the various body parts he wanted to do them to, so focused that she felt her heart try to leap out of her body when Bucky started laughing loudly behind her.

(Y/n) spun around, shock written across her face, pulling her headphones down to hang around her neck. "What the hell?!" She demanded loudly.

Bucky couldn't stop laughing, watching her scramble to turn off the apps on her phone as her cheeks flushed darkly.

He'd looked over her shoulder, wondering what she was listening to- and had burst out laughing in shock as he realized that she was listening to him!

"You- you listen to-" he had to gasp for breath, "erotic podcasts-" He fell into another fit of incredulous laughter.

(Y/n) glared at him, shoving her phone in her pocket. "So?" She demanded defensively.

Bucky shook his head again, taking a breath to calm himself. "What is it you like about them?"

(Y/n)'s cheeks heated with a flush, but she refused to be embarrassed. "None of your business!"

That made him laugh harder.

Bucky took a few deep breaths, calming himself again, but was unable to keep the smirk off of his face as he stepped closer, his hand moving toward her, his fingers brushing against her jaw. "But it is, doll," he told her in a slightly deeper voice.

(Y/n) looked at him suspiciously, leaning back a little as he invaded her space.

"I just found out that you listen to erotic podcasts, and it's my duty to find out what you like about them."

"I only listen to one," she snapped at him defensively.

"Oh, then it's even more my business."

"How?" She demanded acidically.

"Because, that podcast you listen to- that's _my_ podcast, babydoll."

(Y/n) had already suspected that, but had let it go a little after wondering when he did any of it when they were together so much that it didn't seem like he'd ever have time to do it.

But she had still suspected, so she wasn't sure why her reaction to finally having it confirmed was shock.

Bucky stepped closer, his hand going to tenderly hold her jaw as his thumb brushed over her lips. "Mmm. Doll, if I had known that listening to my voice as I describe what I want to do to you turned you on so much, I would have started leaving you voice messages or something in high school," he teased, his lips turning up in that damn smirk, the one that always made her heart pound and her panties wet.

She bet he knew it, too. "Who says it turns me on?" She snipped. "I mean, I'm down here cleaning. It's just background noise..."

Bucky raised a brow, letting his fingers slide down her jaw and brushed his thumb over her collar bone. "So you would be even more turned on if you knew it were me?" He asked.

(Y/n) pulled away, not knowing what to say, finally landing on, "Why are you harassing me? Yeah, I listen to them, but you're the one who makes them- Are..." She trailed off, feeling her cheeks heat.

"Are what, doll?" He asked with a cheeky smile.

"A-are... are they real?"

"They do exist, if that's what you're asking," he teased.

(Y/N) furrowed her brow at him. "I mean do you... you know, masturbate during them?"

Bucky's grin widened, then turned to a devastating smirk as he leaned closer, his intake of breath somehow sucking the air from her lungs. "All me, babydoll," he murmured in his deep, sexy voice. "All one hundred percent real."

Ok, so he was fibbing a tiny bit; he had faked it in a couple of them, but he was eating up the reactions she was having.

(Y/n)'s eyes widened in realization. "Did I- when I had to climb the balcony- did I break in in the middle-"

Bucky chuckled, his eyes reflecting his humor. "Nah, doll, that was all just for fun."

(Y/n) stared up at him. Why was he still this close? Why was he stroking her cheek? "You mean- God, how often do you- I mean," (Y/n)'s cheeks flushed a little darker as she couldn't stop wondering just how much he needed to masturbate. He did things, put out podcasts or did livecasts, once a week, plus, if he was doing that time just for fun...

"How often do you, doll?" Bucky asked teasingly. He licked his lips and smirked. "You done it here?"

She looked at him warily, leaning back a little, and his breath heated in his chest.

Oh shit- she had. In that bed, where he'd lain with her? -in his clothes? The thought made his temperature skyrocket.

He'd been teasing, but her reactions were telling him everything, and he was reacting as any man would to knowledge that the person he loved had been touching themselves in his house, possibly in his clothes, and, dare he hope, as they thought of him.

Bucky looked at her with lust darkened eyes, and (Y/n) stepped back.

"Th-that is none of your damn business. You don't have to be a pervert, just because you do stuff like that..." She was trying to remain calm and not react.

Bucky licked his lips again and stepped back, feeling impending danger if the situation continued. "I was just wondering if that asshole had treated you well, since you seemed surprised that someone might need release more than once a week. He was probably more like once a month, huh?" Her cheeks darkened and he knew he'd hit the mark. "Poor doll. You deserve better, you know. I gotta head back up; break's over." Bucky left, grabbing a couple bottles of water before heading back to the stairs.

(Y/n) swallowed roughly. She had known that her sex life hadn't been the most engaging, or exciting, but the thought of doing it more than once a week- was that normal, or above average?

... ... ...

A few days passed, and everything seemed to settle back to normal, just as though they hadn't found out about their connection through the podcast.

Bucky didn't mention the podcast, and (Y/n) certainly didn't, either, so it surprised her when, a few days later, Bucky came to her with a proposal.

(Y/n) looked up as Bucky walked into the room, sitting so that he faced her on the couch.

"I've been thinking..."

"About what?" (Y/n) asked.

"Well... You're in a delicate position-"

"I told you; the bill at that restaurant took most of my rent money, but I will pay you," she cut in.

"Doll, I'm not worried about whatever money you think you're going to give me, and I'm serious when I say that I'm going to somehow magically repay you in a way you can't give it back, because I was taking you out. But, that's not what I was going to talk about. How about... You're in a _unique_ position," he amended, looking at her for objection, "in that you listen to erotic podcasts not to do erotic things." His lips turned up a little as a flush crept up her cheeks. "Of course, as a writer-"

"You write those?!" She gasped.

"Of course I write them, do you think they fall from the sky?" He chuckled. "Oh, you thought I just went into my room, turned on the mic and started recording," he chuckled again, making her face heat more.

"Well, I figured it wouldn't take much to write 'Oh baby, feels so good, ahh,'" she mocked.

Far from being offended like (Y/n) had thought, he chuckled again. "Well, I don't really have to write that part, though I do have to remind myself to use some of the words I do. I mean, I don't use Dollface, gotta keep that one out, but one time, a lady donated and asked me to use baby cakes. That took some focus."

"You- that was- so you were paid for that?"

Bucky shrugged. "They pay, I please, that's the relationship that's been built."

(Y/n) shook her head. "That's like prostitution..."

"Not really. I only do what I feel comfortable with," he told her.

"That, that's like being your own pimp," she insisted.

Bucky raised a brow to her. "Ok... Look. I'm gonna level with ya. After that will you listen to my proposition with an open mind?"

(Y/n) shrugged, then nodded, and Bucky sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"When I got back from being deployed- ...You know I have PTSD-"

She nodded.

"Well... one of the things they don't tell you about PTSD, is that it can affect your sex life."

(Y/n) looked at him in confusion.

"So, when you get home to your spouse and the rest of your family, you still can't _come home_ to your spouse."

(Y/n) looked at him in surprise, her lips parting a little as her eyes widened.

Bucky cleared his throat uncomfortably, his eyes on his hands. "My friend Nat suggested- well- ...I started with exposure therapy, which is to say, watching porn, moved on through a number of things, all focused on just, getting started-" He blushed as (Y/n) put a hand on his knee, "eventually, I could get that far, and the focus was being able to take touch, then pleasure, and finally, actually orgasm..."

"Bucky," (Y/n) whispered, feeling her heart squeeze. Something that others had out of nowhere sometimes, he'd had to struggle with.

"It's- it's not the erection," he was quick to correct, "I could usually do that, still, but the desire wasn't there, like seeing your favorite treat, but not wanting to eat it... I would get hard, but still not even want to have sex... Sometimes even just the thought of the intimacy was too much... so... I started doing the podcast as a sort of... I don't know, I guess you could call it therapy... but, talking about the fantasies and using them to get more comfortable with the thought of intimacy, it worked. And kept working, and made me feel better in more ways than one, so I kept doing it..."

He cleared his throat again and flashed a sexy smirk at her. "So, as I was saying. As a writer, I always want to improve my skills."

(Y/n) shifted back at the change in his demeanor, taking her hand from his knee.

"And since you're not affected by my erotic podcasts, I thought that you might be a good sounding board, or, uh, beta tester."

(Y/n)'s brow twisted in confusion, her jaw opening but no words leaving her mouth.

"Whaddaya say, doll? Wanna be my beta tester?"

"Y-you mean read through your, scripts or whatever you call them, and tell you if they're good?" She asked.

Bucky shook his head. "Naw, scripts can't tell you the tone of voice."

(Y/n) gulped. "You want me to listen to them, and then tell you if they're good?"

That didn't sound too bad, except that he would know that she was listening to them. Who knew what would be in there?!

The turn that Bucky's smirk took troubled her.

"Close, not quite. I was thinking- maybe, a live beta session." Bucky stood as she jumped from the couch, trepidation oozing from her pores.

"What the hell is a live beta session?"

"You know, like regular betaing, but real time; instead of a recording, you listen to me recording it."

"I- I-" she was about to tell him that he had a snowball's chance in hell of that happening, but paused, her face heating as she accused him, "You want to record yourself doing things to me?!"

Bucky's eyebrows shot up. "No- no, actually, it's- the next podcast is a guided masturbation, so I'm not even going to be doing anything but talking."

(Y/n) relaxed a little. "So, you just want me to sit there in your room while you say the things that the listener should do to themselves, and- what, tell you if it sounds ok, or if you're going too fast or something?"

Bucky licked his lips, slowly sitting back on the couch as she did the same and reached for her hands. He just held them for a moment, not saying anything, knowing that he was being greedy, then let them go, his flesh hand smoothing up and down his metal arm.

(Y/n) was starting to feel a little nervous in the silence, worried about what was coming, then, finally, he spoke.

"I want you to listen to it as a regular listener, but use your objectivity to tell me if it's good."

"As a..." (Y/n) contemplated for a moment, "you mean, that you want me to- to-" She had to take a breath and reclaim her cool. "You want me to masturbate, following your directions, as you record it?"

Bucky bit his lip, his body starting to show his interest. He was being so greedy by asking her to actually do it...

"And I'd be where, down the hall?"

Bucky's cheeks pinkened. "Um, actually... You'd have to be in the room with me-"

"God- I'm not doing that on your bed!"

That damned sexy smirk twisted his lips again. "You already have, Dollface. Remember when I was there, between your thighs, licking you to heaven-"

"Stop!" (Y/n) choked out with a violent flush spreading over her cheeks. "I- I'm not... no..."

"Aw, c'mon, doll- you're my only hope," he tilted his head like a cute little puppy with his puppy eyes, too, his smirk still in place.

"You- you giant nerd- don't quote _Star Wars_ at me!"

He just kept smirking, trying to lure her with, "please, (Y/n), it'll really help me out. I'm doing so much better than I was, don't you want me to keep getting better?"

She was still leaning away from him uncertainly.

"It's nothing that you haven't done before, and this is my job, I'll be professional... (Y/n)-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope," he told her, still smirking.

(Y/n) groaned as though in pain for a moment before finally relenting. "What would I have to do?"

Bucky's smirk widened. "Meet me in my room the day after tomorrow, about nine pm. Wear something comfortable. Then you just follow instructions, and I do the rest from there."

"What if I can't do it?" She asked.

"You can," he assured.

"What if I decide I don't want to?"

"We can stop any time you want, Dollface. Completely voluntary," he told her.

(Y/n) groaned again, hiding her face in her hands.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  A/n- Sorry it's been so long! If has been hell at work 😓😓 plus health issues.   
> Smut. Praise kink, Bucky torturing himself, a tiny bit of desperate Bucky at the end...  
> I swear it's the last time! It's the kick in the ass he needs to get his shit together.

(Y/n) was pretty sure that her face was about the same temperature and color as a fire as she walked down the hall towards Bucky's room.

Why had she agreed to this again?!

She couldn't exactly say, except that somehow, Bucky had been tricking her, making her mind fuzzy with his infuriatingly sexy smirk, and his story of recovery, and nerdy movie references...

She stood at his door in the largest, baggiest shirt she had, a bra, and a pair of shorts and panties. She wanted as much between them as possible so she didn't die of embarrassment.

She had been thinking about what was about to happen to the point of distraction at work since she'd agreed, not sure how to feel, though she had been getting turned on a little at the thought that he might be turned on by seeing her touching herself, but she was trying to be a realist; he was going to be professional, and she was going to do her best to be professional, too.

This was just something to help him continue his recovery, and with what she now knew was his freelance business.

She hoped that she looked like she was more calm and confident than she actually felt. She had tried to listen to some of his earlier recordings throughout the day, trying to make this as easy as possible, hoping that if she could get through it quickly she could be done, leave, and still keep some of her dignity.

(Y/n) was about to knock on the door, but it opened before she could, Bucky standing there in only a pair of sweatpants, and her eyes were drawn along the line of scars over one shoulder. She quickly turned her eyes away to find his and pushed away the heat in her cheeks as he gave her a sinfully charming smile.

"There you are, I was just about to come get you," he told her, turning the charm on her enough to make her stomach quiver, and the sad thing was that she knew that this wasn't even full blast.

"I'm here," she answered simply and followed him into the room. "Why are you shirtless?" She tested.

"It gets hot in here next to all this equipment."

She guessed that made sense, though it was still making it hard for her not to stare at his chest.

He closed the door behind them, explaining, "For the audio. Have a seat," he gestured to the bed.

(Y/n) sat down, clasping her hands tightly to remain calm. "So... Let's go through this," she prompted.

Bucky sat in the chair at his computer, turning it so that he was looking at her. He gave a shrug and twisted the chair a little, moving it back and forth. "You lay back on the bed, close your eyes if you want to, whatever you need to do to get in the zone, I sit over here and say stuff, and you follow the directions in what I say. If something is good, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to tell, and if something's bad, same, but if it's a definite no, let me know."

"H-how? Won't the recording pick me up?"

Bucky shook his head. "You can lift your hand up, that'll be silent and get the message across."

"But- won't it pick me up anyway?" She asked, grasping for a way out.

Bucky turned to the desk, pulling something to him from the surface as he said, "No, I'm going to use my headset instead of the big mic, so it'll only catch me instead of the whole room. Even if it does manage to catch you, I'll sound split it out."

(Y/n) swallowed, twisting her hands around, unable to find any way out of this now.

"You ready?" He asked.

She took a deep breath and nodded.

"Ok, first, probably get comfortable on the bed and let me know when you're there."

(Y/n) laid down, trying to face away from him as much as she could. "I'm not turned on, you know," she told him.

"Perfect," he told her. "I'm trying to take you- the listener- all the way through. You in a position that you can still move around if you need to?"

"Yeah, I'm fine- can we just get this over with?" She asked in a clipped tone.

Bucky chuckled. "Let me get the programs all set up, you just relax for a minute; you sound tense."

(Y/n) decided not to reply and just laid back as she heard Bucky messing with stuff on the computer, doing a short voice test to make sure that nothing needed adjusting.

"Ok, babydoll? That's right, right there- such a good doll for me." He played it back and was apparently satisfied with how it sounded.

Bucky turned off the main light so that only the glow from the screen and a very low lamp lit the space. "Ok, you ready doll?"

"Yeah," she answered.

"K, you need to stop, lift both hands, change something just one, alright?"

"You sound like you've done this before," (Y/n) muttered.

"Nope, doll, first time," he told her, and she could nearly hear the laugh in his voice. "Here we go," he said after clicking a few things.

"Hey, baby. Fancy seeing you here... Yes, I know it's our room, but I still fancy it," he said with a teasing voice and a chuckle. "Mmm, doll, come here... Doll, come here," he called, and (Y/n) looked up above her across the room to where he was in question, seeing that he was motioning her to him.

She rolled her eyes and stood, walking around the bed to stop in front of him.

"Whatcha got on there, baby?"

She lifted her brow, but he shrugged, pointing to the headphones. She pulled her bra strap so that it was visible, tugged at her shirt and shorts, then snapped the band of her panties. She tilted her head, silently demanding if that was all, and he nodded.

"Mmm, you know, I love it when you're just lounging around all comfy. Wearing these shorts that I can put my hand up the leg of."

(Y/n) stopped where she was, next to the bed, looking up at him with wide eyes.

He motioned her to do it, and she slid her hand up the leg, putting her hand on her inner thigh.

"Mmm, your skin is so soft, doll," he murmured. "No, don't turn away," (Y/n) turned back to him from where she was about to walk around the bed, and he made the wait gesture, "I want to kiss your beautiful lips." He kissed his arm close to the mic, giving her a wink as he gave a few more. "Mmm, you taste so good, too, doll. C'mere, come lay on the bed with me."

(Y/n) lifted her brows and gestured at the bed.

Bucky nodded, but pointed the the side of the bed facing him, mouthing, ' _just in case. First time_.' He shrugged.

(Y/n) rolled her eyes and sat of the edge of the bed.

"I got an idea, doll." He chuckled. "Baby, lay down, get comfortable. Go on, get comfortable," he said, and (Y/n) pointed at herself, then laid down when he nodded. "You all comfy?" He asked, and she gave a thumbs up.

She didn't know what she had been worried for. So far this was really just boring.

"Close your eyes, doll," he said softly, and (Y/n) did, shifting a bit to get more comfortable. "I'm going to sit here, at the edge of the bed, and tell you what I want you to do."

(Y/n) looked up at him in question, and he smiled.

"Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Imagine me kissing your throat, once, twice- now lower, right where your pulse is. I can feel it beating against my lips, doll." He hummed a chuckle, and a shiver ran down (Y/n)'s spine.

"Put your fingers on your throat, softly- barely touching it. Run them over where you want me to kiss you... Imagine it's my lips moving over you. Good, good girl... Run your hands down over your ribs, down your stomach- what's wrong?" Bucky asked, his tone turning serious as (Y/n) held her hand up.

She pointed at her stomach, and Bucky frowned, turning to his computer and pulling up another document.

"Oh baby, don't be shy," he told her. "I think you're beautiful, I think your body is beautiful. All of it."

(Y/n) looked up to see him looking back to her from the screen.

"My pretty girl. You're perfect just the way you are, so beautiful and sexy, amazing and- don't look at me like that, Dollface," he said with a smirk at the expression on her face. "I know your tummy makes you feel self conscious, and I just wanted to give my pretty girl some words so she can remember how beautiful she is. Close your eyes, pretty girl."

(Y/n) laid back and closed her eyes again, feeling a tingle in her belly at his new nickname.

"Put your hands on your hips, give them a squeeze for me. Mmm, one more. God, you're sexy, doll- my very own sexy, pretty girl... Mmm, run your hands down your thighs, pretty girl, like you want me to... You're going to have to spread your thighs for me, Dollface, otherwise I won't be able to see you, and my hands won't be able to guide yours."

(Y/n) looked down her body to where Bucky was sitting across the room, but he was looking at the screen of his computer. She laid back, thinking that she was just imagining things, since she was actually following along with his voice; he wasn't actual talking to her, it was all in his script.

She parted her thighs a bit and let her hands slide more toward the middle.

Bucky licked his lips and took a breath as he looked at (Y/n). "Good girl. Such a good girl for me, doll. Now move those fingers, slide them up and down those sexy thighs..."

Bucky's eyes were following her fingers, his blood heating up at how sexy she looked, spread out on his bed with her hands on herself. "Oh doll, you look so sweet there... Hands moving doll, one on your thigh, one going under those shorts; slide it up your thigh until you feel your panties. Move the crotch of the shorts out of the way if you can." He took a deep breath as she did, and he saw her fingers sliding over the cotton of her panties.

"Ahh, my sexy doll, you have no idea how much this turns me on; you touching yourself as I tell you how to. Keep moving those fingers, doll. Keep touching yourself."

(Y/n)'s fingers softly slid over herself as Bucky's dark, heated voice spoke to her.

"Hand on your thigh, move it up, slowly, sliding up your body to your breast." Bucky hummed deeply in satisfaction. "Tease it a little for me, a gentle squeeze, and keep those other fingers touching you through your panties. Yeah, like that- You look so beautiful like this, doll... Mm, find your clit through those panties and press just a little harder as you rub over it..."

Bucky licked his lips again, his teeth tugging at his bottom lip as his breath sped up. "Such a pretty girl, so good for me, my pretty girl," the words were tumbling from his lips in somewhat of a babble without him even seeming to realize it.

He blinked and took another breath to try to clear his mind a bit. "I think this bra is in the way, Dollface, let's just make you a little more comfortable-" He stopped as he saw (Y/n) arch up, her hands going behind her to undo it, then pulled the straps off through her sleeves and tugged until the bra slid out through one of them, getting tossed to the ground.

"Mmm, put your hands on your breasts, spread your fingers and run them back and forth over your nipples. Doesn't it feel good?" He asked, his eyes focused on how her nipples were pushing up against the fabric of her shirt. "Pinch them through your shirt... Mmm, roll your fingers around, yeah- give them a tug..."

A small moan pressed against (Y/n)'s lips, but she pressed them together harder.

"Good girl," he remembered to say for the recording, and felt himself throb when her lips fell apart in a sigh at the praise. He licked his lips as he prepared himself for his next sentence. "Hands at the bottom of your shirt, pretty girl. Fingers underneath, and pull it up as you slide your hands up your body back to your breasts."

(Y/n) slid the shirt up, letting it still cover her breasts as her hands cupped them underneath.

"Ah, that's not fair. Come on, Dollface, let me see," he begged huskily.

(Y/n) looked down to see the lust shining in his eyes.

She was already turned on, and the way he was looking at her made more wetness pool between her thighs, which he could see because they were spread open and facing him.

She laid her head back and bit her lip as she uncovered her breasts for him to see, a shiver moving through her at the groan that left his throat.

"God, doll, I don't think I'll ever get over how beautiful your body is."

(Y/n) felt her cheeks heating, but it was mostly in desire this time.

"Move your hands over those gorgeous breasts, over, around... give 'em a squeeze- oh, fuck, you look so sexy, pretty girl..." Bucky was sure that the mic was picking up his panted breath, but that was ok, probably a good thing, actually, since he was forgetting to talk.

(Y/n)'s fingers were slipping over her nipples, pinching and tugging at them as he watched, then sliding down and over the rest of her soft breasts.

"Yeah- touch them how you want me to, show me what you like, Dollface," he groaned.

The sound of Bucky's hot, lust filled voice and the feeling of his eyes watching her was turning her on more than she had thought it would.

Bucky let out a needy sigh as his hand moved up to palm his erection through his sweats. "Oh, doll, slide those hands down your beautiful body and, can you take those shorts off for me?"

He watched her hands slide down, her body arching to them. They stopped at the band of her shorts, tugging on it and teasing him. "Please, Dollface?" He pleaded in his low, dark voice, letting out a hot breath as she lifted her hips and pushed the shorts down her legs until she could kick them away from her.

(Y/n) heard the way Bucky swallowed roughly, trying to swallow a moan.

"Put those fingers back to work pretty girl, one hand to your breast, the other on that pretty little pussy of yours- oh fuck," he groaned. "God, you look so fucking gorgeous laying there... Mmm, doll, I can see how wet your panties are getting," he took a rough breath as his hips pressed against his hand, "is that for me, doll? You getting all wet for _me_?"

He licked his lips as his hand started to feel a little like just torment. "God, Dollface, you have no idea how much I want to rip those panties off and eat you out, lick you like a sweet dessert- savor you like the rare treat you are, devour every bit of you until you scream my name- find that clit again, doll, let me see you find it..."

Bucky's eyes were focused on (Y/n), not paying attention to anything else around him, following her fingers as they curled against the barrier of her panties to find her clit.

She was biting her lip, trying to stay quiet as he guided her to play her body like an instrument.

"Oh God, Dollface, I'm afraid to ask, but- fuck, could you- will you take those panties off for me?"

He was nearly begging, and his deep, passion filled voice made (Y/n)'s nipples tingle in desperation for his touch.

She was super aware of Bucky's panted breath across the room from her as she slid her panties down her thighs, then calves, and finally kicked them across the room with her shorts.

"Fuck- ah doll, please," he begged breathlessly, "spread your thighs for me, please let me see you- please let me see your delicious pussy-"

He groaned as she opened her knees, her hands sliding over her thighs and up to spread herself open for him to see.

"Fuck- Dollface-" Bucky groaned as he pressed and rubbed a little at his straining cock. "Fuck, you're so sexy- spreading yourself for me, God, you're so wet- get your fingers wet, doll, you're going to have to pretend they're mine-"

He groaned again as (Y/n) slid two fingers through the wet nearly dripping from her folds at how turned on she was. "Oh doll, I wanna taste you so bad right now- Dollface, circles- make some circles around that clit, yeah. Slow, nice slow circles," he breathed, "good, such a good girl for me. Let's do five more, huh?" He asked as he pulled his lip into his mouth, watching as she complied.

"Other way, doll," he directed, keeping the pace of his hand slow against himself. "You think you can do some triangles for me? Mmm, yeah... Fuck, do you even know what you're doing to me, pretty girl? God, you're making me so hard I'm going to rip a hole in these pants... Fuck," he gasped as her hips arched up to her hand.

"Dollface, you think you could get your fingers in there for me? Do it, then," he told her when she nodded. "All the way in, you know how to do it," he groaned. "God, look at all that wetness, doll- I want you to thrust those fingers in you like I would... Just a little faster, doll, yeah, like that. You're such a good girl for me- my pretty girl. Your pussy looks so beautiful- come on, Dollface just a little more, I can see that you're so close, so close my good girl... That's it, show me how you like it, doll."

Bucky licked his lips and took his hand away from his throbbing cock. "Don't forget those nipples, doll, keep tugging on them, keep touching them- Fuck Dollface, I want to hear you scream my name, you hear me?" He asked roughly. "Fucking wake the neighbors, telling them who is making you feel so good- God, look at you, all spread out and putting on a show for me..."

Bucky groaned as (Y/n) moaned softly. "Move those fingers faster, doll, keep 'em moving, keep 'em hitting that spot, the one that I love to press my fingers against and make you yell... Oh God, you're so close doll. Come on, fucking come for me-" he told her, "do it, hit that spot and scream my name, Dollface. I need to hear you say it- it's so sexy- yeah," Bucky straightened to the edge of his seat, his finger hovering over the button to stop the recording, his body leaning forward.

(Y/n)'s body was arching, her hips rocking, her mouth open and panting as her fingers moved in and out through her slickness, Bucky's words pushing her harder toward orgasm.

"Yeah, yeah," he murmured with each thrust if her fingers and arch of her hips, "yeah, Dollface, c'mon... You look so fucking sexy, pretty girl- c'mon pretty girl, come for me so I can hear that beautiful voice screaming my name- yeah, yeah, yeah- yes-" he groaned with her, seeing her teter at the edge and fall over, a strangled cry making it out of her mouth as she thrust her fingers and stroked over her clit for a few more strokes before they fell to her side.

Bucky hit the button to stop the recording, in one motion pulling the headset off and throwing it at the desk behind him as he stood, moving to the edge of the bed and dropping to his knees between (Y/n)'s thighs.

He left an open mouth kiss of the inside of one thigh, asking, "please," repeating the action and question on the other thigh, leaving trails of wet kisses up her thighs toward where she was still tightening. "Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please," his tongue ran up the inside of her thigh toward her heat.

"Bucky," she sighed, looking down to meet his dark, desire filled eyes.

"Yeah, Dollface?" He asked before running his tongue up her other thigh.

"Bucky," she whined.

"My turn, pretty girl?" He asked, and she nodded.

Bucky all but dove in face first, growling and giving slow licks, sliding his flat tongue over her from opening to clit, his mouth closing around it and sucking as he pulled back. His tongue flicked back and forth, giving light, ghost touches, and making her writhe under him as he already had her rushing toward another orgasm.

Bucky moaned into her as he licked, giving a sucking pull here and there. "(Y/n), you are so fucking gorgeous... Taste so good, pretty girl... Fuck, how do you make your sweet little pussy so addicting? I could eat you for every meal, forever... Mmm, my pretty girl is so good for me, opening her beautiful thighs so I can do this... Was that a moan? You gotta be louder, doll, I can't hardly hear you down here," he told her, driving her crazy between the sexy words and the firesetting touches of his tongue.

(Y/n)'s back arched, and Bucky held her thighs, giving them gentle squeezes that made her moan.

She couldn't think straight, all of the sexiness and emotions storming through her mind as he pushed her closer and closer to ecstasy. "Bucky," she whispered, gasping for breath.

Bucky groaned against her, the vibrations moving through her clit and making her moan. "God- fuck, doll... Mmm, so sexy and delicious... Moan louder, (Y/n)- please Dollface, I need to hear ya, mm, I gotta hear that beautiful sound as you moan and scream for me..."

"B-Bucky, Bucky," she moaned, her hips arching against his hands. "Please, p-please!"

Bucky growled, his mouth pausing in its motions as his hands tightened on her hips. "Fuck, you're _so fucking sexy when you beg_ ," he groaned before going back to licking over her opening, up to her clit, and devouring her.

(Y/n)'s fingers buried themselves in his hair, tugging a little as she reached the edge and hovered near it.

Bucky shifted, one hand still holding her hip as the other slid down around her, easily sliding two fingers into her. He curled them and worked his wrist back and forth to press against the perfect spot, making a gasp come from her as she arched. "Fuck, (Y/n) so close, come for me, pretty girl," he told her, thrusting his fingers harder as he felt her squeeze around them.

(Y/n) cried out, her whole body pressing to Bucky's hand, her hands tugging on his hair, then she was chanting his name until her hips stopped shifting and he pulled back.

Bucky climbed over her, forgetting any differences in his body and any other man's as one hand went to the back of her head while he kissed her deeply, and the other gripped her thigh, pulling her close as he ground his hips against hers.

(Y/n) whimpered as the rough fabric of his clothed bulge pressed against her sensitive clit, making a wet spot on the front of his pants as he rubbed against her.

Her fingers drug over his back, her nails digging in a little when he made her gasp for breath through his hungry kiss.

Bucky's lips moved down her throat, leaving wet kisses until he got to where her shirt was bunched up.

(Y/n) took hold of it and pulled it over her head, dropping it somewhere above her at the side of his bed, and Bucky moved his hand and lips to her chest, kissing and massaging her breasts, licking and sucking her nipples, nipping and tugging on them with his teeth until she cried out, tightening her hands on him.

"Bucky, oh Bucky- fuck," she whined, arching to him. "Ah, fuck," she let out a little dry sob as her hips arched to press against his.

Bucky pulled back to look down at her. "Something wrong, Dollface?" He asked through his rough breathing, his hips still pressing and rubbing against her.

"W-we can't," she groaned in frustration.

Bucky felt his heart start to tear; was she going to push him away again?

"Fuck- I wish we had a condom," she muttered, arching her hips against him again.

Bucky felt relief flood him. "Is that all, doll?" He asked, leaning back down to give her another, shorter, hungry kiss, finally pulling back and kissing down her body, making her cry out and arch as he gave an open mouthed kiss to her clit, then a soft, sweet one, standing up and turning to the night stand, opening the drawer and tearing the shiny box apart to hold up a chain of condoms as he turned back to her with a smirk. "I've got you, pretty girl," he told her, pulling off one condom and tossing the rest up near the pillows.

Bucky kneeled against the bed and hovered over (Y/n) to give her another deep kiss, leaning on one forearm as his other hand gripped her hip to grind against her again. When he pulled back, his passion darkened eyes met hers. "You ready, pretty girl?"

(Y/n) flushed a little and nodded.

Bucky leaned back down to kiss her, tormenting them both by making himself wait longer to be inside her.

"Bucky," (Y/n) groaned, "come on..."

Bucky's lips twitched up into a smirk. "Did I tell you how sexy you are when you beg?"

She pouted at him, but he just smirked down at her.

"Aw, come on, (Y/n). Don't you want to be a good girl?"

(Y/n) bit her lip as she flushed.

"You _do_ want to be a good girl," he chuckled huskily as he kissed her jaw. "C'mon, (Y/n), be a good girl and beg me for it," he told her.

(Y/n)'s nipples tingled, aching for his touch, and she had no idea why she was reacting this way to him praising her. They were just words, but they made her stomach knot with need.

Bucky leaned lower and started breathing hot air over her nipples, torturing them more. "C'mon, pretty girl, beg."

"Please," she gasped.

"Please what?" Bucky asked.

"Please get those fucking pants off," she groaned, her eyes closing and head arching back.

"Mm, you got a dirty mouth, doll," he chuckled. "Then what?" He asked, taking too much pleasure in teasing her for her liking.

"Put that goddamn condom on," she told him as she tried to get her breast closer to his lips.

"Like where it's goin' so far, doll. What next?"

(Y/n)'d had enough. He wanted to tease her with dirty talk, she'd tease him right back. She took a breath and looked at him, her eyes dark with need. "Then, Bucky, I want you to take that big, thick, hard cock of yours, and shove it in my pussy. I want you to fuck me into the mattress. I want you to pound my pussy so hard I can't sit down for a week."

Bucky's movement had stopped as he met her eyes with a hot glare as she spoke.

"Think you can do that for me, _Sergeant Barnes_?"

He growled as he lunged down at her, kissing her harshly, his hands tightening on her as he roughly pushed his hard length against her through his pants.

He pulled back long enough to throw his pants off and onto the ground, open the condom and roll it on, the wrapper still fluttering to the ground behind him as he moved back over her.

He stilled for a moment as he slowly slid into her soaking heat, gasping at the feeling as his eyes fluttered shut. "Fuck, you're so wet, and hot, and tight, (Y/n)... You feel so amazing..."

Bucky took a deep breath and looked back down to (Y/n), giving a thrust. She moaned and he smirked. "You want me to fuck you into the mattress, (Y/n)?" He asked as he thrust harder, hard enough to make her bounce against the mattress. He cursed at the sinful keening that left her mouth. "Fuck- you want me to make it so you can't sit down for a week?" He demanded, licking his lips as his hands pressed on her inner thighs, opening her to him. "Then hold on, Dollface," he told her, giving a rough buck of his hips and making her nearly scream in delight. "Mmm, that's right, (Y/n)," he moaned as he thrust into her again, eliciting a similar response, "be a good girl and scream for me. The neighbors are about a mile away; you're going to have to be loud to wake them, pretty girl."

Bucky's pace was brutal, hitting hard and fast at her g-spot until (Y/n) felt like her lungs couldn't take any more air, her heart pounding while her throat grew sore from crying out so loudly. "Bucky! God, please- Bucky- fuck! Bucky!" She cried breathlessly for him as she came.

Bucky gave slow, steady strokes of his cock as his eyes rolled back. "Fuck, (Y/n), feeling you clench around me so tight while you scream my name- it's gotta be the elixir of the Gods, Dollface," he groaned.

(Y/n) tried to catch her breath, but every little bit of oxygen she managed to pull in rushed right back out.

Bucky fell to one forearm, kissing her lips and all around her face and throat, his hand holding her tight to him as he rolled his hips into her.

The time for hard and fast was over, now it was time for long and deep, thrusting and savoring each touch, each feel, each spasm her muscles gave, each moan and gasp that left her lips.

Bucky kissed and sucked over every inch of flesh he could reach, pulling as many moans and needy sighs as he could from her throat. "You're so beautiful, (Y/n). God, I feel so good with you- you make me feel so good," he breathed against her.

(Y/n)'s fingers dove into his hair and she tugged him back to her lips.

Bucky kissed her as he slowly made love to her, his hands sliding over every inch of her.

(Y/n) felt a tingling in her skin. Something like goosebumps growing along her neck and arms. Her thighs tightened around Bucky's hips as the sensation spread up to her chin and she tilted her head back, gasping for air. She felt Bucky's lips softly pressing against her stretched throat as an amazing feeling built deep inside, where Bucky was hitting. She let out a gasp, her eyes flying open as she felt herself fluttering around him. "Ahh, oh my god, ooohhh," she moaned as she pulsed tightly around him. "Oh god, please do that again, Bucky," she sighed in ecstasy.

Bucky smiled against her. "Anything for you, doll," he murmured against her jaw.

Bucky could feel how far stretched his body was, and knew he wasn't going to last. He could feel (Y/n) getting close again in the way she panted and writhed against him, and his hips quickened to press against her again and again as he got closer, then he was unable to stop, getting one hand on her hip, his thumb pressing her clit as he thrust.

Bucky groaned, catching a breath only to groan again as his thrusts grew desperate. "(Y/n), ahh, (Y/n)," he whispered her name like a prayer, his orgasm bearing down on him. He felt her tighten around him with the first wave of her release and snapped his hips to hers, bursting into the condom.

He panted above her for a moment before returning to kissing all over her skin.

(Y/n) was exhausted, looking up and kissing Bucky when she could, still trying to catch her breath.

Finally, Bucky pulled back and pulled the condom from himself, tossing it toward the garbage can he knew was close by, before laying next to (Y/n) and pulling her against him. His heart soared as she cuddled back against him, and he buried his nose in her hair, breathing in her calming scent.

"Bucky," she whispered, and he hummed in question. "That- it was just sex, right?" She asked timidly, her eyes on his chest.

"What?" He asked stiffly as he pulled back to look at her.

"I- I'm just making sure, so that one of us isn't expecting something from the other that isn't going to happen," she murmured. "We were working on sex stuff, and that happened, but it was only sex..."

Bucky stared into her eyes, but it was a fearful gaze that met his; she wasn't ready. She couldn't handle the thought of needing someone else so deeply, yet.

It's not like he could either, but...

He wanted to.

He wanted to tell her how he felt; now was the perfect time, too, except that she looked so nervous she'd probably have a panic attack if he told her right now.

With pain filling his heart, Bucky gathered her to him, holding her tight against his chest.

He was going to have to pretend that it hadn't mattered to him as much as it had, so that she wouldn't panic, and could figure it out at her own pace.

It's not like he wanted to, but having her by him, even if she didn't know he loved her, was so much better than losing her for another five years, if not forever...

"Anything for you, doll," he whispered into her hair.

How could she think that what they had just shared was only sex? He wondered as his arms tightened around her.

"I should- I should go, right?" She mumbled against him.

Bucky's body stiffened against her. "No-"

"Won't it be awkward-?"

"Doll, please," he asked as he held her tightly. "Stay here, let me hold you. No awkwardness during comforting, right? Let me hold you, like last night, and the night before, and the night before- as friends- please, (Y/n), just let me hold you..." He pleaded, sounding a little panicked.

(Y/n) felt tears building in her eyes.

She didn't know what she wanted; being in his arms made her happier than anything in her life ever had, but her brain was screaming at her to run away before the happiness was ripped from her and she was hurt.

She wanted him, but she didn't know if she could have him.

What if he didn't want her the same way? That forever, grow old in this house until we die and have to leave it to our grandkids and be buried next to each other kind of way she longed for?

What if she was just his fun for now, his helpful friend with benefits?

She pressed closer to Bucky's chest, trying to quiet the doubts in her mind and the feelings in her heart. "Ok..."


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Heartbreak. Drunk Bucky being… sweet? and sad? and… some minor deserved violence. Guilt… lots of guilt

(Y/n) slipped from Bucky's arms, sneaking out of the room after pulling on her clothes, and headed to the bathroom.

"I just need to breathe," she reminded herself. "It was just sex. Friendly sex. No attachments. Just- just a good time..." She bit her lip as she washed up.

Why did it hurt so bad?

Why couldn't she just accept and be grateful for what she had?

Bucky treated her wonderfully in bed, better than she'd ever imagined it could be, and he was nice to her outside of bed, too. He took her to dinner, kept buying her things despite her objections, rubbed her legs and feet sometimes when they sat on the couch together- if it wasn't for the fact that he wasn't actually interested in her romantically, because sexual interest was _very_ different than romantic interest, she would say that it was like they were dating. Not only dating, but at that point a while in when they were so into each other that one had asked the other to move in, instead of being thrown into this situation.

(Y/n) braced herself against the sink as she took a deep breath and forced herself to act ok as she straightened, heading to her room for clothes for the day.

.

Bucky grinned, tightening his arms around (Y/n), but found them empty, his bed empty and cold.

He clenched his jaw and scrubbed his flesh hand over his face.

Why did this woman have to break his heart so much?

He climbed from the bed and pulled on a pair of pants before heading out and finding (Y/n) in the kitchen, making breakfast like it was any other day, as though she hadn't put cracks in his heart twice in the last twelve hours.

He silently went to the table and sat at it, his head in his hand as he watched her finish breakfast.

(Y/n) turned and carried their plates to the table, ready for any amount of smugness or cheerful, just got laid feelings from Bucky as she set his plate down, but she wasn't ready for what she actually saw; him, staring at the tabletop as though it were a dying relative.

"B-Bucky, are you- are you ok?"

He stared up into her eyes wistfully for a second, but looked to his plate, grabbing his fork. "Yeah," he muttered.

Fuck.

Why did he keep giving her his heart so she could break it?

Did she even like him?

"W-what are your plans for today?" (Y/n) asked.

Bucky shrugged.

"Will you... will you still drive me to work later?" She asked, and he hummed back an affirmative.

(Y/n) pressed her lips together and bit them.

Some was wrong.

Something was very, very wrong.

... ... ...

Bucky sat silently on the couch, his eyes on the tv and a book laying next to him, but he wasn't paying attention to either.

(Y/n) stared at her phone, her conversation with Dustin flowing across the screen.

_'Come on, you know guys better than me! Please?'_

_'I know gay guys better than you, (Y/n), I couldn't tell you what that man is thinking.'_

_'A man is a man is a man. What difference does it make who he wants to have sex with?'_

_'Look, your point is fair, but I still can't tell you. If he's sitting right next to you, just ask him!'_

_'Damn it, Dustin! !!! I can't! He just makes noises when I talk to him. He hasn't voluntarily spoken a word to me in three days. He hasn't wanted to touch me, either.'_

_'Maybe he's gay.'_

_'Dustin! Real answers! I need real help, not jokes!'_

_'(Y/n), I'm gay, not a mind reader. Even if I were, I couldn't do it from way the Hell over here.'_

(Y/n) hated that Dustin was right, knowing that he could only give basic insight, but that she'd already thought through all of that.

_'What about when that one guy broke up with you, the one with the tattoos?'_

_'What about him?'_

_'He was all super broody, you said.'_

_'OMG. He was trying to move in with me. I only knew him for like, a week! Yeah. When I told him it wasn't happening, he started getting all broody and trying to start drama, and I had to dump him. Don't have time for that.'_

(Y/n) looked over at Bucky again. He didn't sit close enough to touch her, he didn't pull her legs into his lap, he didn't ask to lay with her on the couch...

_'I miss cuddling him...'_

_'So cuddle him. He's literally right next to you. Or, he was. Just like, start the cuddle. Maybe that'll help,'_ Dustin told her after a few moments of silence.

(Y/n) bit her lip and glanced over at Bucky, gathering her courage and touching his arm with her hand.

His head snapped to her as though her touch had burned him.

"I'm- going to get a drink, you want anything?" She asked as she bailed out.

He shook his head, looking back to the tv.

(Y/n) stood and went through the kitchen up to her room, changing into pajamas before coming back down, deciding that if she was going for it with cuddling, she was going the whole way. She grabbed a bottle of juice and shook it as she walked back into the front room.

Bucky glanced up as (Y/n) came back, noticing that she was wearing his shirt and boxers.

God damn it, why had he given those to her? He was affected every time he saw her in them.

She sat next to him, not next to the arm of the couch, like she had been, but close to him. Her hand touched his elbow, and she looked up at him before her eyes focused on his knee. "Bucky, can we lay down? I'm tired," she said, her cheeks flaming up.

Bucky felt his heart squeeze in his chest. She was asking him to lay on the couch. He didn't think that had happened before, he'd asked or it had been assumed by both of them, but she'd never asked him.

He swallowed roughly and set his book on the ground, turning and laying across the couch before she laid on him, her head resting on his chest as she watched tv for a while longer.

He felt her fall asleep and his fingers started brushing through her hair almost on their own. "I missed holding you," he whispered, "it was driving me crazy smelling your shampoo but not being able to bury my nose in your hair, (Y/n)."

She shifted around letting out a muffled noise, her expression looking pinched in concern as her face turned up to him. "Mmmnn... Buckyyy..." She murmured, half muffled by his chest.

Bucky's brow pinched. "What's wrong, (Y/n)?" He asked softly, as though she could hear him, trying not to wake her up.

"NnnnIII- love you," she slurred.

Bucky's eyes shot open and his heart started pounding in his chest.

Did she just say what he thought she just said?!

Since when?

How long?

Was it real, or a dream?

What if it was real, was she hurting as much as he was?

Was she actually awake?

Somehow all of these thoughts crowded his mind in only a moment, and in the next, his mouth opened.

"I love you, too, (Y/n)."

His hand stroked down her hair again, his fingers dipping to brush over her lips.

... ... ...

Bucky stood in the shower, letting the water run down his back as he repeatedly smacked his head against the tiled wall. It wasn't hard, but it did give a satisfying bump when it landed.

He should have told her.

When they had been in bed, he should have just come out and told her that it wasn't nothing to him, that he loved her.

He should have told her any of the days between then and now, or between then and when she'd cuddled up to him on the couch, or when she was next to him, or in the other room, or making dinner or breakfast- hell, it didn't matter, he just should have told her by now, sometime when she was awake!

Guilt filled him, making his stomach twist and his heart squeeze tight, as though it was in a vice.

He shouldn't have pulled what he had with the recording, either.

Yes, finding out that she, the woman he fantasized about while writing the stories, listened to them had excited him beyond belief, and the thought of her touching herself to them had made it even more exciting, but he shouldn't have done it. No matter that he hadn't gone in with the intention of having sex with her, or that he just wanted some way to be that close to her again, no matter the cost, he still felt like it had been underhanded.

Fuck.

She loved him, too, and he'd let her pretend that it had meant nothing.

Hadn't told her he loved her.

He was lying to her by letting her think that what they had done together didn't mean anything. It meant nearly everything, the only thing that meant more being that she loved him back.

She loved him...

She loved him, unworthy ass that he was and everything, and he couldn't even be honest enough to tell her that the nightmares that drove him to her arms had somehow changed from flashback dreams to the fear that he was going to lose her.

... ... ...

(Y/n) stood outside the gym, pulling her jacket a little tighter around her- or, Bucky's jacket, really, since she'd claimed it after he'd let her borrow it.

It was just an old jacket he'd dug of the closet for her, but it was permeated with his scent, and made her smile when she buried her nose in it, like she was at that moment.

"Did he give you his jacket?" A voice asked from down the block, and she looked over squinting from the shadow of the building into the dusk lit sidewalk. "What is this, high school? You one of the slutty cheerleaders now? Got the jock's letterman jacket? Let him finger you under the bleachers? He taking you to prom, too?"

(Y/n)'s brows met in anger as she let her arms fall to hold her gym bag at her side. "What do you want?"

"Shit-" Jason sneered, "why are you so ungrateful? Dumb bitch. You were nothing when we started going out, you know; I made you better. You think you'd be grateful, but no. Dumb whores don't learn new tricks, huh?"

(Y/n)'s hands tightened on her bag as she glared at him. "Get the hell out of here, Jason- go be an asshole somewhere else."

"You should realize how lucky you are that I took pity on you. Men like me don't look at women like you," Jason continued, ignoring her.

(Y/n) looked behind her to the gym, thinking about going back inside, but she knew that he'd follow her, and she didn't want to bring trouble into the building. She clenched her jaw as her eyes searched the rest of the area for somewhere to get away from him.

"He wouldn't even look at you if you looked the way you did before, probably only wants someone to suck him off, now, anyway-"

"Don't you think I fucking know that, you idiot!" She snapped at him, glad to hear the growl of Bucky's motorcycle coming down the block. She took a breath, reminding herself not to play into his hands, and stepped away from him.

That was a mistake, though, as Jason started toward her. "It took me a while to find where you were working now, but I did, and here you are, acting like you're something special because you can open your legs. Just like always."

Bucky skidded to a stop and kicked the stand down as he yanked the keys from the bike, swinging his leg over and stalking toward the two, a dark, angry look in his eyes. "What's going on?" He asked, deceptively calm, his tense shoulders and angry eyes revealing his true emotions.

Jason stepped closer to (Y/n), ignoring Bucky coming toward them. "I know you want to get back with me, baby. You know I'm the only one who could ever treat you right."

"Jason, get away from me," she snapped at him, giving him a look of disgust.

"Listen, you dumb cunt-"

"What _the fuck_ did you just say to her?" Bucky snarled.

(Y/n) looked up at him in surprise, _never_ having heard him sound like that before.

Jason let out a huff and half turned toward Bucky. "I'm prepared for _him_ this time, too," he said as he pulled out a hunting knife.

(Y/n)'s eyes widened at the sight, wondering just what the hell he was planning to do with it, and how this all could go wrong.

Bucky didn't even hesitate in his steps, his metal hand grabbing Jason's hand, twisting it as his other hand grabbed the other, twisting his hand behind his head and throwing him against the building's brick wall.

Jason gasped in shock at how quickly and easily the tables had turned on him.

(Y/n) could see the look in Bucky's eyes; slightly hazed and unfocused, like when he was about to have a problem. She clenched her hands helplessly, not wanting to throw herself into this situation with a knife and make it worse, but she couldn't just leave Bucky to fall down the hole of pain and self loathing that followed.

She dropped her bag and hurried to where he was pinning Jason, wrapping her arms tightly around him. "Bucky..." She turned her head so that her forehead was pressed between his shoulder blades as she spoke quietly. "He's not worth your pain... please..."

Bucky clenched his jaw, not making any other movements for a moment, then he twisted Jason's wrist until there was a slight pop and he dropped the knife. He put his mouth next to Jason's ear and growled so only he could hear, "you're lucky that she's such a wonderful person. It's not a good idea to fuck with a soldier's girl, especially one with PTSD. I could kill you right now and blame it on having a flashback." Bucky could hear the fear in the intake of Jason's breath, and leaned back a little, speaking a little louder so both of them could hear him, "Stay the fuck away from her." He pushed away as he released the hand behind his head, making his face bounce off of the wall, as he stepped back.

(Y/n) let go and stepped out of the way, but stepped in front of Jason as he turned around, planting her feet shoulder width apart and squaring up. "And, just so you get the message and don't think I need anyone to speak for me..."

Bucky's eyes moved over her for a moment in question before she snapped her fist forward to crash into Jason's stomach.

Jason stumbled back against the wall staying there for only a moment before falling to the ground as (Y/n)'s other fist landed against his jaw.

Bucky's face split in a grin. "You've been practicing," he commented as pride filled him, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and guiding her to his bike, pausing only to pick up her bag.

"A little," she admitted.

... ... ...

Bucky glanced up at (Y/n) for the thousandth time during breakfast, his fork stabbing mindlessly at his pancakes.

He loved her.

She loved him.

She didn't know that he loved her.

She only knew that he was a pervert who had used her body at every possible opportunity.

She knew that he was fucked up in the head.

She knew that he didn't go into town.

She knew that he liked to read, and watch bad movies, that his sense of humor was mostly bad jokes, and that he sat around the house a lot.

But she didn't know that he loved her.

Or that he sat with her on the couch because he craved being close to her.

Or that he had faked having nightmares once or twice just to be by her, to hold her against him.

She had no idea that he loved stroking her hair, or pressing his nose against the crown of her head to smell her shampoo, or that he sometimes just smelled her bottle of body wash while he was in the shower, just to smell something that was her.

She had no idea that he couldn't stop thinking about her, having a baby with her, living here in his house forever with her.

He looked back to his pancakes to push down his feelings.

... ... ...

Bucky was a mess, and he knew it, touseling his hair as he took another deep swig from the bottle in his hand, then rested his arms on his knees where they were raised in front of him, letting his hands and unoccupied fingers dangle.

He didn't deserve (Y/n).

Not only did he know that he didn't deserve her, he knew that she deserved happiness, to go and be free, find someone who wasn't so fucked up to love her the way she deserved, have a family and a happy life, he knew that he should let her go do those things- but he couldn't.

He would never be able to live without her here with him, now.

He couldn't stand the thought of another man looking at her, let alone loving her, and he could _not_ abide the thought of any other man touching her; any babies that grew inside her had to be _his_ damn it!

He leaned back against the bookcase behind him, gulping down the last of the whisky. He looked at the empty bottle, only feeling a little buzzed, then turned to the shelving with research books on the top shelves and the decorative cupboard at the bottom, pulling open the door and grabbing a partial bottle of vodka.

"(Y/N)!" He called to the ceiling after drinking deeply from the bottle. "(Y/n), I love you! That's all I fucking have to do! Four words! Three- three and her name... Fuck- (Y/n)! I fucking love you!"

He took another drink from the bottle and his eyes caught sight of the clock on the wall. "Shit," he groaned.

He was supposed to go get the woman of his rants from work soon, but he was way too drunk to drive.

"(Y/N)! I have to call you to tell you I can't come get you!" He spoke loudly, managing to pull out his phone and use the voice to text function to get a coherent message sent to her.

... ... ...

(Y/n) looked down at her phone, her brow lifting in surprise. Bucky had never texted her to tell her he couldn't come get her before.

Something big must have come up. She shrugged and finished her shift, then changed and went outside to catch a cab.

If he was able to message her and let her know, it must not be too bad. Maybe he had started editing something and couldn't leave, or had gotten stuck on a really long call for work, or something.

.

The cabbie took off after she paid the fare, rushing to get back to where he'd be able to pick up another client and make more money.

(Y/n) shook her head with a smirk, heading to the door.

She wondered what had happened to make it so Bucky couldn't come pick her up, and walked into the house, closing and locking the door behind her.

He wasn't in the front room, or the kitchen when she looked in and sat her bag on the table, and he was notably missing from the back yard and fields as well.

"Bucky?" She called out, fear that he had had an episode and was curled somewhere in mental and emotional pain and distress taking hold and twisting her stomach. "Bucky?" She called, a little more desperately.

"(Y/n)!" He called back, and she turned around to see him lurching toward her with a big smile and a bottle of tequila.

"Bucky?"

He laughed, trying to take a drink and choking a little as he was still laughing as the liquid started down his throat.

(Y/n)'s brows jumped up her forehead and she rushed toward him, patting his back and leaning him forward.

The alcohol smell covered him, but she could tell that at least part of it was that he'd spilled some down his shirt.

"(Y/n)," he repeated her name. "Mmmm..."

"Bucky... are you drunk?" She asked in confusion. She'd never seen him drink before, and she didn't even know that there was alcohol in the house.

"Maaaybe," he drew out, then chuckled.

"Where did you even get the booze?" She asked.

"The study," he told her, his arms wrapping around her.

"What?" She asked, pushing his arms off of her so he didn't knock her over.

"My grandpa's study," he told her, his hand going to her cheek as he grinned goofily at her.

"Where's that?" She asked, trying to make him stand up straight.

"It's the room with all the books in it," he told her, taking another deep swallow from the bottle.

"You mean the library?" (Y/n) asked as she tried to take the bottle from him.

"He had to study something, I guess!" Bucky laughed, lifting the bottle in a cheers motion and taking another drink.

"Bucky- give me that," (Y/n) sighed, reaching for the bottle. She pulled it away from him and made him stand still. "Why were you drinking yourself into oblivion, huh? Something happen? Some bad memory's anniversary?"

"Why-?" Bucky's face fell to confusion, until he suddenly burst out to the ceiling, "(Y/N)!"

She stepped back in surprise at his volume, but his hands found her face, pulling her closer to him.

"(Y/n), I love you! Oh, wait- (Y/N), I fucking love you! Yeah, I think that's the one I decided to go with. (Y/N), I fucking love you! And I'm going to tell you when I'm sober!" He laughed, his fingers starting to drift over her face. "Mmm, you're so pretty, (Y/n)... Do you think you'll like it? Should I leave a message on your phone? Or, maybe go up to your room and tell you... No, you're at work- I had to tell you I'm too drunk to get you," he laughed.

"Bucky- stop... This isn't funny," (Y/n) told him.

"What's not funny?" He asked.

"You saying you love me- you don't love me, Bucky-"

"Yes I do," he told her, his expression showing his confusion.

"No, Bucky, you don't-"

"(Y/n)- yes I do- I have since high school... God, (Y/n), I love you so much-"

"Bucky-"

"I slipped-" Bucky interrupted her, his upset showing on his features, and (Y/n) shook her head, confusion creeping over her face at his confession. "I slipped and said it on a recording- I told the world I love you, but- shh, you don't know," he told her, his voice getting softer. "You were listening to it, but I stopped you... You almost heard me admit that I love you..."

(Y/n) stared into his eyes in confusion. "Did you say my name?" She asked.

"No," he shook his head. "But I was talking to you- I'm always talking to you, doll." He smiled at her, and (Y/n) felt a pain in her chest. "That's why- that's why I haven't put out the new one- it's just for me, I can't let anyone else hear it... I mean," he rambled as (Y/n) started pulling him toward the stairs to take him to his room, "I mean- I didn't mean it that way, I just wanted to be by you- I wanted to know if you could ever feel the same about me, if- if you knew that I was the one who always said soft things to you, if you knew they were for real- but I was stupid- instead of telling you, telling you that you are the most beautiful woman I've ever known, and that I'd finally made the most realistic one possible because I was actually telling you what to do instead of pretending... You were so sexy I couldn't keep my hands off of you, or my tongue- but I was going to tell you after, I swear," he insisted as (Y/n) opened the door and walked him inside to the bed. "But then you went and stomped all over my heart."

He looked like he was about to cry, and (Y/n) only managed to avoid thinking about it by pulling his alcohol covered shirt off to get rid of the smell, and tossing the covers back on the bed.

"Come on, Bucky," she told him, walking him toward the bed.

"Do you hate me?" He asked out of nowhere. He still looked like he was about to cry, tears coming to his eyes.

"What?" She asked in surprise.

"(Y/n), do you hate me?" He asked again. "I don't know what I did that was so bad- all I ever wanted was to go out on a date with you... And you won't tell me... Do you hate me?"

(Y/n) felt tears pushing at her eyes. "Lay down, Bucky," she told him, crawling backwards over the bed to keep pulling him.

He kneeled on the bed and pulled her against his chest. "I love you so much, (Y/n). If you don't believe me, listen to the recording... Do you hate me? Please don't hate me..."

She didn't know what to do, she was at a loss. He was so drunk, he didn't even think he was really talking to her, who knew if he'd even remember this in the morning.

Bucky pulled her with him as he laid to the side, landing a bit awkwardly, but still holding her close against him.

(Y/n) pushed his shoulder, trying to lean back and pull out of his arms, but they tightened around her.

"Nooo," he whined. "No, (Y/n)- please stay with me. God, I love you, (Y/n), please stay with me..."

"Bucky-"

"Please let me hold you, (Y/n), I love you so much- please let me hold you..."

His mournful begging continued until (Y/n)'s arms wrapped around him, one hand sliding up into his hair to hold him close, and tears were pressing at her eyes. She pulled back, but he held tight again.

"(Y/n), don't go..."

"Bucky, I-I stink, I need to go take a shower-" she protested.

"I don't care, Dollface, I just wanna hold you, sometimes it's all I think about," he murmured against her. "I love you, (Y/n)," he murmured as he drifted off. "I promise, I'm going to tell you, for real- no stopping because you break my heart..."

(Y/n) held him tighter.

She had?

She thought back on how he'd been acting for the past few days since their interaction after the podcast, and realized he had been moping around, and if this was true, he might have been heartbroken.

She pressed her eyes tight together, fighting the tears that slid out, anyway. "Oh, Bucky..."

She waited for him to pass out and fought her way out of his arms, having to slip out of her jacket, pulling a blanket over him before she made her way to her room.

Over and over his words played through her mind; _"I slipped... I told the world I love you... I'm always talking to you..."_

She had tried to dismiss it, brush it off, but...

She bit her lip and and went to where her headphones were sitting on the dresser, pulling them on and plugging them in to her phone as she laid back on the bed.

She knew that she hadn't heard it on any of the recording, yet, so she picked up where she had left off.

 _"Fuck- your beautiful lips,"_ Bucky moaned. _"Ah, baby, I want to kiss them so badly- I always miss them when you're gone..."_ He panted for a moment. _"This is what you do to me... you make me all lonely and pathetic without you... Oh, God, doll- ah- I'm just a horny, trembling mess without you... I want to hold you against me and kiss you- god- make love to you like we're the only people in the world, and we have to repopulate the whole fucking planet-"_ (Y/n)'s eyes widened as she heard Bucky chuckle. _"Yeah, I thought about that, too... Mostly I just want to hold you and make you scream my name, but, yeah, baby, I think about that, too, sometimes..."_

 _"Fuck,"_ Bucky choked, then swallowed roughly. _"Fuuuck,"_ he groaned. _"Oh fuck, doll-"_ She heard him trying to catch his breath. _"Oh, baby, I can't breathe- it feels so good- So good-! I can tell 'm- n-not going to last long- oh god!"_ Bucky cried out, having to pull away from the mic, and (Y/n) had to pause the audio for a moment to calm down and remember that she was listening for something specific, then hit play again.

 _"Fuck- baby, fuck- please don't stop- right there- ah! God! Fuck! Oh, fuck, baby-"_ He panted, trying to catch his breath as he came down from orgasm.

 _"Oh, god... Oh fuck, babydoll- see?"_ He asked with a laugh. _"See what happens when you're gone? I feel so neglected that I scream for you instead of the other way around..."_ He chuckled again. _"God, I love you so much, doll,"_ he threw out as he sighed happily.

He swallowed roughly and there was a hesitation as though he realized what he had just said. _"I love you so much..."_ he quietly repeated after a moment before the audio suddenly ended.

(Y/n) bit her lip, tears building in her eyes.

He had said he loved her...

He had told everyone, let it out into the world...

He could have edited it and taken it out, but he hadn't, he'd left it in, said it twice, told the world twice- but he'd never said it to her...

Probably because she kept "stomping all over his heart" as he'd said.

Tears and sobs pushed at her, tightening her chest and throat, her eyes pressing closed.

She whispered his name, wanting to hold him close, but how could she? How could she when she'd been so rotten to him? Apparently since high school...

He really had wanted to go on a date with her; she believed that he told the truth while drunk, after all, he'd thought he'd been talking to her as a figment of his imagination...

Guilt and regret tore her apart inside.

Five years of trying to hate him.

Five years of thinking completely untrue things about him...

If she hadn't been so short sighted and paranoid that no one could ever love her...

Who knew where they would be now? Together? Married? A family?

(Y/n) buried her face in her pillow to quiet her sobs.

A sudden thought occurred to her as some words from the podcast now playing in her ears got through.

If he had always been talking to her, what else had he said? What else had she missed in the audios?

She pulled her phone to her, forgetting about everything else as she went to the first recording and started listening through every one.

What she heard in his words, his voice, only made her cry harder.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Sorry it's been like forever or something... Working 6 day weeks and over 200 hours a month sucks... But here you go!   
> Smut, orgasm denial, SWEETNESS, um... only the epilogue left!

Bucky woke with a throbbing headache, his brain trying to escape through his temples. "Fuck," he grumbled, his eyes pressing tight as his hand went to his forehead.

It had been a long time since he'd drank so much; shortly after returning home when he couldn't cope with the memories, before he'd started therapy and straightened up when he'd moved in with his grandparents.

Memories came flooding back, falling all over (Y/n), telling her he loved her- repeatedly. More than he'd said, even when he'd been practicing...

Thank God it was just drunken delusions.

He looked down at the strange feeling fabric he was holding so tight to in his other hand; (Y/n)'s jacket.

Panic started flowing into his veins.

It wasn't delusions, it was real- and she was gone.

Bucky's eyes closed, his arms tightening around himself.

Of course she was gone, she was always gone.

Stabbing pain filled his heart and he pushed himself from his bed, dragging the jacket with him as he went down the hall to her door.

(Y/n) wiped the tears from her red eyes, opening the door to go shower.

Bucky was there, his arm raised, poised to knock. "(Y/n)-" he started, but was cut off.

"I'm sorry," she gulped. "B-Bucky, I'm so sorry- I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't mean for any of that to happen- God, I was so stupid, I-I just didn't believe anyone as great as you could ever- I mean- I'm such a mess, why _would_ you-" she paused as she took a breath to control her rambling, "could you ever forgive me?" She asked, fearfully looking up to meet his eyes, seeing them slightly wide in his stunned expression.

"I love you," Bucky said.

It slipped out softly, without him realizing it; the only answer his mind could concoct.

His breath caught in his chest as the fear in (Y/n)'s eyes turned into careful hope.

Bucky didn't notice that he dropped the jacket in his hand as it went to her face, scooping her close against him, his lips going to hers.

(Y/n)'s hands went to Bucky's shoulders, one tightening on the bundle of clothes in it as her arms wrapped around his neck. Butterflies fluttered around her stomach at the sweetness of the kiss, so soft and gentle, his warm lips pressed against hers only in a showing of his love.

He pulled back and they stared into each other's eyes.

"Bucky," she whispered.

"I love you," he told her again, his fingers brushing over her cheek.

Her lips parted, her lungs seemed to quiver with breath, nervousness filling her belly.

It's true, she told herself. He's not lying. Don't say something stupid, for the love of God- _don't say anything stupid!_

A buzzing in her hand made (Y/n) pull her hand from around his shoulder, confused for a moment until she realized that it was the alarm on her phone telling her that she should be finishing up in the shower to finish getting ready for work.

"Oh, shit," she murmured. "I- I have to- shower- work-" She pulled back, looking up into his eyes apologetically.

Bucky stepped out of the way and she hurried down the hall to the bathroom.

Bucky let out a sigh, feeling his heart mend a little.

She had kissed him back. She had been looking back at him like she was in love with him, and she had kissed him back.

The woman he loved had kissed him back.

His lips curved in a smile at the thought.

(Y/n) had hurried and washed up as good as she could in the sink, then gotten dressed, and climbed onto Bucky's motorcycle behind him.

When they stopped in front of the gym, she took off the helmet and climbed off.

Bucky grabbed her hand softly, and she turned back to look at him, seeing him giving her an equally soft smile as his thumb stroked over the back of her hand.

She smiled back, a warm feeling filling her and making her heart flutter.

He let her go, knowing that she was close to being late, and she walked toward the door, glancing at him over her shoulder, still smiling.

... ... ...

(Y/n) couldn't keep the smile from her face, thinking of the kiss she'd shared with Bucky that morning. Him telling her he loved her and kissing her replayed in her mind over and over.

She was walking a client through squats, the distracted smile still on her face, when she shot to standing at a sudden realization.

She had been so focused on not saying anything stupid, that she hadn't said _anything_. She hadn't told him how she felt.

How could she not have said _anything_?!

Her heart clenched.

What if Bucky thought she didn't feel the same? What if he thought she was rejecting him?

Worry filled her through her shift and when she waited for him outside.

.

Bucky pulled up next to the curb, and (Y/n) took a breath, stepping close and biting her lip, about to ask Bucky about their almost conversation from that morning.

She needed to set things straight, let him know that she had feelings for him, too. No more of these stupid misunderstandings.

"Bucky," she started, but jumped as a car pulled up close to them.

Bucky sent a glare at them over his shoulder, and she could tell that he was shaken in the tone of his voice when he asked, "yeah, Dollface?"

"Um, I- oh," she tried to regain her train of thought, but the car honked at them, and she sent a glare at the driver, stepping closer to Bucky, feeling how tense he was.

"C'mon, doll, let's get outta here," he grumbled.

(Y/n) climbed onto the bike behind him and pulled the helmet on, wrapping her arms around Bucky as they took off.

.

(Y/n) headed up to take a shower as soon as they got home, feeling gross from two days of sweat, and started dinner when she got back down.

It had felt too awkward of a place at the table to bring up the conversation, and by the time they were sitting on the couch together, she was afraid that it was too late.

Too much time had passed...

She couldn't let it be that way, though. She had to do something about it.

(Y/n) reached over and touched her fingers to Bucky's arm, letting them trail over his skin, watching as goosebumps started to raise. She looked up to see him looking down at her, and met his eyes.

Her hand slid up his arm to his shoulder, and she shifted so that she was kneeling on the cushion, facing him. Her other hand went to his jaw, her gaze never leaving his, and they stared into each other's eyes, seemingly into each other's souls.

Bucky's hand went to her side, and at his touch, she swung her leg over his so that she was straddling his lap.

"Bucky," she whispered nervously.

"Yeah, (Y/n)?" He asked, his hands lifting, one to cup her jaw as the other stroked over her hair.

Her teeth pressed into her lip for a second before she leaned forward, pressing her lips against his.

Bucky's arms wrapped around her as he kissed her back, their tongues starting to tangle and stroke over each other's.

The kiss heated up quickly, Bucky's hands sliding down to squeeze her ass, gently tugging her hips against him as he groaned into her lips.

(Y/n)'s hips rocked with his movement, feeling him lengthening against her thigh. She moaned back to him, her breasts pressing against his chest as her hands roamed over his body.

(Y/n)'s shirt disappeared over her head and somewhere across the room, followed by Bucky's, making both of them gasp needily at the feeling of their bare skin touching.

They pulled apart for air, and (Y/n) bit her lip, feeling the heat in her cheeks. "As sweet as it feels kissing and groping on the couch..."

Bucky licked his lips, nervously waiting for her next words.

"Maybe... maybe we should head upstairs? If you want-" She cut herself off, letting her hand stroke over the stubble on his jaw to his soft neck, taking in the change of texture.

Bucky guided her lips back to his, kissing her deeply, and she barely had time to take in the feeling of his hands tightening around the backs of her thighs before he stood, lifting her with him.

(Y/n) wrapped her thighs around him, her arms going around his neck, and she kept kissing him as he carried her through the kitchen and upstairs to his room. He pressed her body against the door, and her hand slipped from him to open it before he could.

Bucky grinned at her and kissed her again as he stepped through, turning around the door and closing it by pressing her against it.

Their lips ate hungrily at each other's as he pressed against her, lasting minutes as they arched and pulled closer together.

(Y/n) pulled her lips from his, her hands going to Bucky's chest. "Bucky, I- I- have to tell you," she bit her lip nervously, and Bucky held his breath, "it's- it's not just sex... It's not just sex for me..."

Bucky's lips quirked up into a grin as he looked at her. "It's never been just sex with you, Dollface," he told her.

Their lips met again, tongues tangling, and he pulled her away from the door, turning and going to the bed, kneeling on it and laying her back, kissing down her body as he got to the band of her pants, tugging them down and off.

"I'm sorry I ever let you think that. I've always wanted to be with you, (Y/n)," he told her as he got back to her lips, kissing her hungrily again.

Bucky's hands moved over her, squeezing and stroking, holding her up, tight against him as his lips moved down her throat, sucking sweet kisses along her soft skin.

"Bucky," she sighed, and he groaned against her, his hips pressing harshly into hers.

"God, doll, I want you so bad," he told her, his dark, ragged voice sounding better than he ever had over a recording, "you feel so good, (Y/n), so perfect, pretty girl..."

"Bucky, I want you, too, I- please, Bucky..."

"Please what, Dollface?" He asked through his kisses down her skin. "God, tell me, tell me what you want, I'll do it- I'll do anything for you, (Y/n)..."

(Y/n) could feel his heart pouring out of his chest, leaving puddles of it down her body, trails of it over her skin, and she felt shaken at the sudden realization that he was giving his everything to her. He sounded so helpless to his feelings for her, willingly letting them devour him, willingly giving him and all he had to her with the one condition being that she only had to ask.

Her heart ached at his sweetness, throbbing as regret pushed at her.

She reached down and touched his jaw, guiding him to look up and meet her eyes. "I know it's unfair to ask... Bucky- Bucky can you ever forgive me? For all of the stupid shit I've done?"

Bucky shifted over her to reach her lips. "Doll, I love you. With all my heart... Do you...?" He paused as though he was suddenly nervous that the answer might be no.

"Yeah, Bucky, I love you- so much," she broke off, her cheeks flushing at the nervousness in her chest that she reminded herself she didn't need to have.

"Then, (Y/n), I love you, and you love me, and I want to be with you..." Bucky bit his lip, his brow furrowing for a second, "so, let's leave the past in the past, and focus on loving each other right now, ok?"

(Y/n) nodded. "Bucky... kiss me," she whispered.

"'Course, Dollface," he answered, leaning down and taking her lips in a passionate kiss.

His hands pulled her close, one going to her back and unhooking her bra, then he pulled it from her, tossing it behind them.

Their lips stayed glued together as their hands roamed, (Y/n)'s feeling the hard muscles under his skin, fingers digging in as Bucky's hands slid up to massage her breasts, squeezing and pulling his fingers over her skin. It felt so nice, so soft and relaxing, but it made the fire in her belly burn hotter, especially when he pointedly ignored hers nipples' cries for attention, giving them barely a brush of his palm or thumb as he moved his hands.

"Bucky- oh God, Bucky," (Y/n) moaned, her head throwing back in pleasure and desire, and he started trailing kisses down her throat, gently sucking and nibbling as he made his way down to where his hands were still smoothing over her now sensitive and very touch focused breasts.

Bucky pulled her nipple into his mouth, and she let out a strangled cry, her fingers tangling and tightening in his hair as her body arched up to his mouth.

Bucky groaned around the tight bud, making her tug slightly at his hair, and he let her nipple fall from his mouth to gasp, but then flicked his tongue across it, going in to give it a hard suck as he pulled back, letting his teeth graze over it until he let go and started kissing over to repeat his torment on the neglected bud.

After making sure that they were both so sensitive that just rubbing them between his fingers made her sound like she was about to come undone, Bucky kissed down her body, nipping, licking, and kissing each spot until he got to the band of her panties.

(Y/n) writhed as Bucky's hands groped over her body, giving squeezes to her ribs, sides, hips, then his fingers caught the band of her panties and pulled them down, kissing down her thighs as he tugged the last bit of fabric from her and tossed it away, kissing over her thighs, moving over the tender inner flesh as he made his way back up to where she was already dripping for him.

"(Y/n), be a good girl and open up for me," he told her, his voice rough and needy as he directed her thighs apart. "Mmm, doll, you look so beautiful- can't wait to taste you," he rumbled, his breath washing over her heated core.

His tongue moved forward, licking lightly over her outer lips, teasing her with a taste of what he had in store. He kissed all around her, her lips, her thighs, the crease between her thigh and pussy, then began nipping over the same path he'd taken.

(Y/n) whined in frustration when he started dragging his lips over her sensitive skin, letting his tongue flick out every so often, and felt him grin against her.

"What's wrong, Dollface? Need somethin'?" He teased.

"Uh-huh," she agreed, her hips subconsciously arching to him.

"Mmm, then get your hands down here to help me, pretty girl," he told her, his voice deep and husky.

(Y/n) blushed, her fingers going down and rubbing over where he'd been kissing.

Bucky hummed in desire before telling her, "not like that, Dollface, spread yourself so I can see that gorgeous pussy."

She bit her lip and her fingers spread her pussy for him to see.

"Fuck you're gorgeous," he breathed before leaning in and running his tongue over her. His hands squeezed her thighs, making her whine as he sucked her clit for a second. "Keep yourself spread wide, Dollface," he told her, and she felt his hands moving up her body.

He pinched and rolled her nipples as his tongue ghosted over her clit, and a needy moan left her lips. Over and over his tongue teased her with barely there touches, until she felt like it was yearning for his touch, and he gently flicked his tongue over it as he tugged and played with her nipples, until he heard her at the edge, when he pulled back and kissed and nipped at her thighs and she gave a disappointed groan.

"Don't worry, doll, I'm coming back," he told her, and he did, teasing her until she was at the edge again before pulling back the kiss around her thighs again.

She let out a disgruntled sigh, but he just chuckled back at her before letting his tongue go back to work on her again, and this time when he got her to the edge, he had to let go of her nipples, too, because she nearly came from just him rubbing them.

A mournful moan left her lips, her fingers spreading her open wider for him, her hips pressing up and wider, trying to get his attention where she was needing it most, about to snap and yell for him to finish what he started.

Bucky let his tongue lick up from her entrance to her clit, swirling around it before pulling back.

She moaned desperately, her hips arching, but a cry left her lips when he pinched her nipples and she felt herself contract around nothing.

Bucky licked his lips and grinned, ducking back down to barely touch his tongue to her clit again as he played with her nipples, rolling and tugging them until she was a needy mess writhing under him.

He let his tongue rub over her clit, finally giving it full contact, and (Y/n) arched off of the bed, a begging cry leaving her throat. Bucky groaned, his need matching hers as he licked and circled his tongue over her, pinching and tugging at her nipples, rolling them around with his thumbs, her sounds getting louder and louder as she reached the edge.

He groaned into her again, pulling her clit into his mouth and sucking as he pulled back, letting it pop out and paused, (Y/n) giving another begging, desperate cry before he went back and let his tongue quickly trace a path that had her immediately at the edge, flicking against her attentive clit and rolling her nipples in unison to throw her over the edge, a short, choked scream leaving her as her muscles tensed, her body bowing up to him.

One hand left her breast, Bucky thrusting two fingers into her, curling to hit her g-spot, making her even louder.

"Oh- fuck- God- Bucky! Yes- BUCKY! Ahh!" She screamed his name, her hips uncontrollably rocking with the waves of her orgasm, her thighs shivering as her hands fell away from holding her open as he pulled back.

Bucky's elbow threw back and forth, his wrist snapping quickly as he fucked her ruthlessly with his fingers, panting with desire as he watched her crumbling to ruin on his bed. "Ah fuck, doll," he groaned, his eyes so dark and focused with lust he could hardly see anything but her. "Fuck, doll, yeah- yeah c'mon, come 'gain on my hand, all'ver my fingers, (Y/n)- ah fuck yes," he growled, his breath panting as fast as hers as she cried out, high pitched and needy noises leaving her blissed out form as she held on for dear life to his bedspread. "God, 'nother one- got one more 'n ya, doll? One more fer me, c'mon- c'mon Dollface, yeah- yes- oh fuck," he groaned as he felt a gush around his hand. "Fuck," he groaned again, pulling his fingers from her, leaving her a panting, writhing mess as he stood. "Pants," he cursed as he tore at them, getting them off and getting a condom on in record time, climbing over (Y/n) and sinking in her before she'd even stopped throbbing.

"Oh, fuck, baby," it came out as a needy whine as he just laid over her and felt her pulsing around him for a moment. "God, so good..." At least this time it was more of a manly groan.

Bucky pulled out and thrust back in, feeling (Y/n)'s nails dig into his back. "Oh, (Y/n)," he moaned breathlessly, "(Y/n) you feel so good..." (Y/n) cried out for him, holding him close as he filled her again and again. Her swollen walls were pressing tight around him, and Bucky knew he wouldn't last long in this heaven.

His head fell to her shoulder, his nose burying in her neck to take in her scent. "Oh God, (Y/n), s'good around me, doll," he groaned, "you're- so good ta me-" Bucky cut off as he groaned, his hands tightening on her as he reached the edge. "Oh, fuck- (Y/n) please, Dollface, please," he begged against her.

(Y/n) buried her face in his shoulder as the noises leaving him turned her on even more. She needed him, she needed him as deep in her as possible, which he was definitely giving her, but she wanted that warm twitching feeling of him coming, pressed deep inside and reaching bliss with her.

"Oh God, (Y/n) I'm gonna- gonna come- please come- come with me," he panted, "oh- Dollface, please-!"

(Y/n) moaned desperately, her fingers digging into him hard as she tipped over the edge again.

"Fuck!" Bucky half cried, half growled, pressing his hips tight against (Y/n)'s, feeling them rock against her as he filled the condom. "Fuck," he repeated softly, burying his nose in her neck and wrapping his arms tightly around her. "Oh, fuck, (Y/n), you feel so fucking good..." he breathed to her.

"Bucky," she breathed back, her throat scratchy and sore from screaming for him so much.

"You're too good ta me, Dollface," he told her with a weak chuckle as he pulled back to kiss over her face.

He leaned back and stared down at her lovingly, a grin turning his lips up as he took in the well fucked look she had, her hair poking every which way around her head, flushed body and exhausted look on her face. He was sure he looked about the same; he could feel sleep calling to him, telling him to get comfortable and hold (Y/n) close as he dreamed of their future through the night.

Bucky pulled out, a whimper escaping his lips at the loss of her around him. He threw the condom in the garbage and turned the blankets down, picking (Y/n) up and laying her on the sheets, climbing next to her and wrapping his arms around her, holding her as close as he could and kissing over her face.

"I love you, (Y/n)," he whispered to her.

"I love you, too, Bucky," she answered, her arms tightening around him as she kissed his chin and neck.

Bucky sighed in contentment and closed his eyes, holding the woman he loved close as he fell into what he was sure was going to be the best night of sleep in his life.

... ... ...

Bucky felt himself being pulled into the world of consciousness with a smile on his face, but his heart paused in beating, nervousness growing in his belly as he gathered his courage and squeezed his arms around where (Y/n) had been against him the night before.

A muffled noise of protest came from the warm body against him, and Bucky let out a small sigh of relief, the smile widening across his face.

(Y/n) looked up at him and he ran his fingers over her hair and he leaned down to kiss her.

He kissed her again.

And again, his lips becoming magnetized to hers until he just kissed her deeply instead of pulling back.

Finally, their need for air overcame their need to taste each other, and they parted, nearly panting for breath.

Bucky chuckled, a grin lifting one side of his lips as he stroked his thumb over (Y/n)'s cheek.

"What?" She asked.

"Just thinking, remembering how you kept disappearing while I was still asleep... This is what a morning after is supposed to be like, doll. Kissing, and cuddling, and maybe leading to morning after sex... But probably mostly just me, staring at your beauty. God, you're beautiful, (Y/n)," he told her. She blushed, but he could see the corner of her lips quirk up.

"You looked in a mirror lately, handsome?" She murmured to him.

"No," he murmured back, "been too busy staring at you, Dollface." His body pressed closer to hers, his lips finding hers and parting them to taste her again.

(Y/n) rolled with him, feeling his weight over her as they kissed. Their legs tangled, and she could feel how hard Bucky was as he pressed against her.

(Y/n)'s hand slid up his back, her fingers tangling in his hair, and Bucky groaned against her lips. He kissed down her throat, sucking and trailing his tongue over her heated skin.

"Bucky," she sighed, her back arching.

He hummed in question, and the sensation buzzed through her neck pleasantly, making her nearly giggle.

"You- you have any more co- oh- oooooh," she moaned as he reached her breasts and pulled a nipple into his mouth.

Bucky pulled back, a grin lifting his lips as he flicked his tongue over the tight bud in his mouth. "Any more, what, doll?"

"Co-on- nnnooooooh," she moaned again as he pulled her nipple back into his mouth.

Bucky moved to the other nipple, asking, "what, doll? I can't understand you."

(Y/n) looked down to see him staring up at her with a hungry look in his eyes. She tightened her fingers in his hair and gave a gentle tug, making his eyes darken and a growl rumble in his throat. "Condoms," she said, heat growing in her belly against him.

Bucky nipped her breast and pulled back, reaching over and opening the drawer next to his bed to pull out a chain of them. "Ten. You wanna try and use them all, doll?" He asked with a grin.

"Only ten?" She teased. "I mean, I guess it's a start..."

The look on Bucky's face was purely carnal, making (Y/n)'s nipples tingle and her pussy quiver.

"Oh, Dollface, you sayin' you want me to go podcaster on you? Want me to lick your pussy until you can't remember your own name," he leaned back down to his hands, slowly crawling over her, "then slowly push my cock in your, hot, swollen walls," he nipped at her collarbone, "and pull out," he arched his hips back, "and push in," his hips pressed against her, "pull out-" he arched his hips away, "push in, thrusting and thrusting, fucking you hard and slow, hard and fast, feeling your pussy so tight around me, squeezing me tight," Bucky sucked a mark into her skin, groaning at the sexy noise that left her lips.

(Y/n)'s fingers dug into him again, her hips arching up against him, feeling his hard cock and shifting to rub against it. "Bucky, why do _you_ get so excited talking about that?" She teased.

"'Cause the whole time, I'm thinking about doing it to you, doll, remembering how good you feel around me, how sexy you sound coming undone. Besides, I'm touching your soft skin, kissing it, making marks," he nipped at her again, "to show that you're mine... Not to mention the fact that just being next to you all naked and ready for me gets me hard."

"What makes you think I'm-" she broke off in a gasp as Bucky slipped two fingers down and through the wetness between her thighs.

"Doll, don't even pretend that you're not dripping down your thighs for me." He slipped his fingers into her and groaned. "Fuck- so wet for me, doll..."

(Y/n) moaned as he thrust his fingers in and out of her, grinding his cock against her hip and nibbling around her jaw.

"God, I want ya doll, want ya so bad..."

"Had me, last night," she gasped.

Bucky moved his hand faster. "Yeah, but doll, I want ya every night, every morning, every afternoon, all of it. Especially when I feel you already this wet and ready for me when I touch you," he murmured by her ear, his mouth still nipping and brushing against her jaw.

(Y/n) could feel the pressure building in her belly, pressing tighter and tighter against her as his thumb moved to brush over her clit with every thrust of his fingers. "B- oh, Bucky," she nearly squealed.

"Yeah, doll? You tryin' ta tell me how much ya like it when my fingers are poundin' in ya? Hittin' that spot that makes ya scream?"

(Y/n) cried out, hips arching to his hand while her fingers dug into his bicep.

"Fuck," Bucky groaned, "fuck, ya look so sexy, (Y/n), wanna be in ya bad." His fingers moved faster, stroking over her sensitive spot, quickly bringing her to the edge and pushing her over. (Y/n) cried out loudly, her hips rocking with his hand as he continued to thrust his fingers in and out. "Fuck, doll- yeah, (Y/n)- oh God, you're coming so hard," he moaned as his hips pressed hard against her to get a little friction to his cock.

Panting and moaning were the only sounds coming from her mouth as she stayed at the top, held there by his fingers still pounding into her.

A surprised squeak left her as she felt a drop in her stomach, and the build of another orgasm starting, but somehow already half way through the climb. "Bucky!" (Y/n) cried out, her body arching harder against him.

"Doll, you so close again already?" He asked, half teasing. "How'd that happen? Huh? Got ya all turned on, out of your mind with my podcaster voice?" Bucky lowered his voice a little more, "c'mon doll, come for me again, can't wait to feel you pulsing around my fingers, wanna feel ya tight and hot and wet, holding on to my fingers like ya never wanna let go..."

"Oh God, oh God," (Y/n) started chanting, feeling her body tightening, her muscles pulling in, and then, everything fell loose, her body relaxing down into nothingness as her muscles involuntarily tightened, Bucky's fingers still pounding into her, but slowing down.

"Oh, (Y/n), that was fucking gorgeous," he told her, his lips dragging and kissing along her jaw to her mouth. "C'mon beautiful," Bucky said, rolling to his back and pulling her with him to straddle his thighs.

He tore a condom off and opened it, rolling it on and adjusting it before his hands went to her hips, coaxing her up and letting her sink down onto him. "Oooh, Goooood," he groaned. "Oh God, Dollface, you feel _so good_... Wanna- oh! Fuck- wanna feel you ride me forever, (Y/n)," he told her as she started rocking her hips.

"N-never, never done this b-before," she moaned to him.

"Doin' a great job, doll," he groaned, "doin' amazing..."

(Y/n) rocked her hips harder, pulling up higher, shifting with his hips as he arched up into her. "Bucky," she panted, riding him a little harder to get him deeper into her. "Bucky-!" Her gasp was met with one of his, and his hands slid over her as they moved, rolling their hips together, rolling and arching, pushing off of each other's bodies and colliding back into them, hips bumping together in an ever increasing rhythm as he massaged and groped her breasts, squeezing handfuls of her as he pulled her closer.

"Oh, fuck!" Bucky cried out. His hands drifted down, back to her hips, holding tight as his movements became erratic. "Oh- oh fuck! Fuck! D-Dollface! Oh God-" His breath was rushing in and out of his mouth as it fell open, his eyes staring up at her as she bit her lip, the quiver in her hips telling him how close she was. He dropped his hand to let his thumb rub over her clit. "Oh, God, (Y/n), come with me- oh fuck, please- please come with me, (Y/n)! _(Y/n)_!" He yelled out as he came, another loud cry leaving his lips as he felt her tightening around him. "Oh, God, (Y/n), oh God," he chanted as he came down from his high, watching as (Y/n) caught her breath above him. He pulled her down to his chest and rolled over, kissing along her chin and throat, making his way down her jaw to press his lips against hers, giving soft moans as they recovered enough to move more.

After another moment, Bucky pulled back, letting himself fall from her, and tossed the used condom to the trash.

He pressed kisses all over her face again as he settled in the bed and pulled her body to his, tucking her to him and holding her close, grinning like an idiot as he felt her trembling slightly against him.

(Y/n) turned her chin up, and he kissed her again, pushing all of his loving emotions into the kiss.

Bucky trailed his fingers over (Y/n)'s body as she laid against him, smiling and letting one hand move up to stroke through her hair. "Hey, doll, I was going to ask you..." She hummed in question, so he continued, "I was wondering if you wanted to go to a meeting with me tomorrow..."

"A meeting?" She asked against his chest.

"Yeah... It's a- a kind of... family group therapy... for veterans with PTSD..."

She looked up at him in question.

"My therapist has been trying to get me into group therapy for about two years," he admitted with a small chuckle.

(Y/n)'s brows raised. "When have you been going to therapy? Like, yes, of course I'll go, and I'm glad you're getting help, don't get me wrong, but when have you had the time?"

Bucky's lips were stuck in a loving smile as his fingers still trailed over her back and arm. "On my day off, while you're at work," he answered.

She smirked at him. "Same time you do everything I didn't know about, huh?" She teased.

He shrugged.

"So, why now? I mean, if your therapist has been trying for so long, and, even if you just wanted someone to go with you, I'm one hundred percent sure that Steve would have gone with you."

"I didn't really have a reason to put in the effort. I was fine- I _thought_ I was fine," he corrected, "surviving here by myself, not interacting with people, not going out..." Bucky's face had been falling from humor as he spoke, but it was a picture of seriousness now as he lifted his hand and cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking over her soft skin. "But now I have a reason. I want to- I want to put the effort in, for you, (Y/n)," he finished softly.

(Y/n) bit her lip, a smile pushing through. "I love you, Bucky," she told him, pressing against him to kiss him again.

Bucky held her tight against him. "I love you, (Y/n)," he told her, his lips brushing against hers.

Then they kissed again, determined to spend the day wrapped in bliss and each other's arms, using the rest of the box of condoms.


	28. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n- Epilogue! Smut... Sweet, short, about half of my normal length. Thank you for reading this story, all of you who have kudo'd, I ❤ you! All of you that gave compliments about it through any means, I’m pretty sure that it’s your fault my head is so big! lol. To all of you who left me comments, you are my reason for living (or posting... hm?)! lol.

Bucky woke to find his arms empty, and climbed from the bed, rubbing his hands over his face, going down the hall to check in the rooms there, but there was no sign of (Y/n).

He headed down the stairs and stopped at the bottom, leaning against the doorway and folding his arms as a lopsided smile lifted his lips, silently showing his contentment as he watched (Y/n) flipping pancakes at the stove, seeing a bag of m&ms open on the counter next to a container of strawberries and a container of raspberries.

"Steve said that he was going to come over and haul your ass on a run before the meeting," she told him, glancing over at him with a smile.

Bucky chuckled. "I don't know if I'll be able to run after the interesting choice of pancakes you're making," he teased.

"And who's fault is that?" She asked pointedly.

"Is what?" He asked innocently.

"The interesting choice of pancakes, as you said."

"Couldn't tell ya, doll," he answered, trying to keep a straight face.

"I think that you know damn well that it's yours," she told him.

Bucky grinned, standing from the doorway and walking up behind her, wrapping his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder and looking down at his hands resting in her plump belly. "Mmm, you smell so good, doll," he murmured, burying his nose in her neck.

"Hey, you get out of here," she scolded through a laugh as his breath tickled her.

"No way, Dollface, can't."

(Y/n) giggled again, batting at him. "Why not?"

"'Cause, doll... you're wearing my shirt, my ring, my boxers, and, are you wearing my socks?" He asked.

"They're warmer than mine!" She whined in her defense.

"Well, whatever, but see? You're all covered in me, and full of me," he paused as he lovingly looked down at her belly again, "I can't help but want you."

(Y/n) squirmed in his grasp as she flipped a pancake, then turned and tried to push him away, but his lips landed on hers, immediately pulling her into a kiss and not letting her go.

Bucky turned her, leaning lower and picking her up to sit her on the counter.

"Hey, what about the pancakes?" She demanded, trying halfheartedly to make him stop.

Bucky's hands were sliding down her body, but one pulled away to take the spatula from her hand and set it on the counter. "We're close enough, I'll be able to reach, doll," he told her as he kissed down her collarbone, letting his hot breath blow out over where his tongue had trailed.

(Y/n) moaned, her body pressing against him as wetness started pooling between her thighs.

Bucky's hands were on her hips, and he pulled her forward, grinding his heavy stiffness against her heat. He pulled away from sucking a kiss into her throat, groaning to her, "doll, you're so wet for me already. Mmm, I can feel how hot you are, so ready for me..."

"Ahh, no fair, Jamie," she said, using his erotic podcasting name to let him know she knew what he was up to.

"Everything is fair in love, Dollface," he answered.

"Steve is coming," she complained.

"He better not, that would be too weird, Dollface," Bucky teased.

"You know what I mean," she told him, pushing him back and giving him a look to make him stop, but she already looked so hot and ready for him, the look made it his priority to get inside her as fast as possible. "No, Bucky," she said, pushing him back as he went to pull her panties out of the way, but his hand paused as he groaned instead.

"Oooh, doll, you've only got my boxers on down here?" (Y/n) gasped and arched to him as his mouth attacked her jaw and throat again, moving down her chest, his hands squeezing over her hips and thighs. "Mmm, I got time, doll, I swear- you got me so worked up I just hope I can get you there more than once," he told her, pulling back again and pulling his pajama pants down to his hips, letting his hard cock spring out between them.

"Bucky," she whined, torn between needing him in her and telling him they couldn't.

Bucky's tongue swiped over his lips as he stepped closer, one hand on his cock, one pulling the boxers she was wearing to the side, rubbing his head through her wetness, dipping a thumb in to gather some and start circling her clit.

(Y/n) moaned, her body arching back, her hand falling to the counter behind her to stop from falling back.

Bucky groaned, biting his lip and watching her face as he moved his cock up and down, still rubbing the circles over her clit. "I swear I got time doll," he panted.

"Not if you don't hurry and get in here," she whined.

Bucky wasted no time pushing in, groaning as he bottomed out. "Fuck- oh God, I love you, Dollface," he groaned.

"Bucky," she sighed, arching to him. "B- Bucky!" She cried as she clenched around him, coming fast at the double stimulation.

"Oh, fuck- yes, doll, yeah- squeezing me so tight-" Bucky's hips slapped against hers, his pace quick, his thumb resting for a moment, then going back to her clit, determined to come and get her to come again before Steve knocked on the door.

They were breathing hard, both pulling at each other as they rushed to the finish line.

"Oh- shi- oh doll- (Y/n), c'mon, c'mon doll- gonna- 'm gonna-"

"Bucky!" (Y/n) cried out as she tightened around him again, sending Bucky over the edge with her, burying his face in her shoulder, groaning as he rocked in her, pressing close and gasping for air.

He pulled back and his fingers tilted her chin up to look into his eyes, leaning down to kiss her. He pulled back, breathing hard as he leaned his forehead against hers, his eyes closing as a huffed laugh left his lips. "God, I love you, Mrs. Barnes," he told her, his arms holding her close.

"Love you, too, daddy Barnes," she told him.

A huge grin plastered itself on his face as his hand moved down to smooth over the bump between them. "Sorry, little guy, daddy just can't help himself around your mommy. She drives him crazy," he told her stomach.

He groaned as he pulled out of her, and the smell of sex was so thick around them that they didn't immediately smell the burning, and had totally forgotten about the pancakes on the stove until the smoke detector went off.

"Damn it, Bucky," she grumbled over the noise as Bucky turned the stove off.

"Don't worry, Dollface, I got it," he told her, pulling his pants up and stepping away to get the step stool, just as a loud knocking at the door came over the noise. "Just in time!" Bucky laughed. He hit the button to reset the alarm and helped (Y/n) off the counter before going to open the door.

Steve looked concerned as he followed Bucky back toward the kitchen. "I heard the smoke alarm, everything ok?"

"Oh, yeah," Bucky assured, "just some pancakes that got burnt."

"That Bucky said he'd watch and didn't," (Y/n) chipped in through the doorway.

"I was distracted, Dollface," he called to her with a grin on his face.

"By what?" Steve asked, wondering what could have had him so focused that he hadn't noticed pancakes burning.

"We were talking about the next podcast," Bucky answered with a sly smirk as they entered the kitchen.

Steve looked over to see (Y/n) furiously wiping the counter next to the stove down, her cheeks flushed. "Podcast, huh? What's it about?" He asked doubtfully.

"We're expanding on how to let your loved ones help you in a panic attack or anxiety attack situation," Bucky told him, "reminding that it's not that they think you _need_ help, they just want to help because they love you."

Steve's brows met uncertainly. "Is that true, (Y/n)?"

She nodded, scraping the burnt pancakes from the pan and setting it back on the stove to heat up. "Yep. Next week we're doing one on having them in public, how to give support and handle yourself and others in the situation." She poured fresh pancakes on the pan and turned, eating some m&ms and taking a bite of a strawberry.

Bucky went behind her to the fridge and pulled out two bottles of water and set them on the counter before wrapping his arms around her from behind, putting his chin on her shoulder and grinning.

Steve watched him and chuckled. "Happiness suits you, Buck; she's got you grinning like an idiot," Steve told him with a grin of his own.

"You wanna say that to my face, punk?" Bucky teased with a glare.

Steve rolled his eyes and sat down at the table. "Listen, jerk, I'm just glad that the two of you idiots finally got together. It took freaking long enough," he sighed in over dramatic exasperation.

"Drama queen Steve, now with pro sighing action," (Y/n) teased, eating a raspberry as she turned to the stove, Bucky letting go and kissing her with a grin before going to sit at the table with Steve, giving him a water.

"I don't know if we're going to be able to run after we eat what she's making," Bucky told him, "candy and strawberries in the pancakes and raspberry sauce for on top."

"Candy and strawberries?" Steve asked, lifting a brow.

"Bucky's fault," (Y/n) chirped from the stove.

"Don't know what you're talking about, doll," he answered, but she could hear his grin in his voice.

"So, why don't you make some regular pancakes?" Steve asked.

"No way! Are you kidding? (Y/n)'s pancakes are the best, I mean... come on, I had to marry her to keep them to myself, I'm not going to _not_ eat them, even if they're weird."

Steve's eyes were trailing over (Y/n)'s form, hand on her lower back, elbow on the counter, swollen belly to the side. "Are you sure you should be standing for so long?" He asked in concern.

"Whoa, Stevie, last time I tried to get her to sit down and let me help she banished me from the kitchen, and nearly the house," Bucky warned soft enough that she couldn't hear.

"I don't need to sit down, Steve," she told him with a warning obvious in her tone.

"Just wondering," Steve told her with a smile.

(Y/n) pulled the last of the pancakes from the pan and plated them, then brought them to the table and sat the plates down, getting the two filled with eggs and meats to set on the table as well.

Bucky grabbed a pitcher of juice and glasses and the small container of raspberry puree, and they all dug in to breakfast.

Bucky and Steve were talking about the meeting they were going to head to, what was going to be discussed, what progress they and others had made with their various problems since coming back from combat, but (Y/n)'s eyes were focused out the glass doors, and they might as well have been speaking another language for all that she heard them. " _Hey, Liebes, du bist gut_?" Bucky's voice floated by her ear, but she still wasn't paying attention.

"Doll? You ok?" Bucky asked again, but she still didn't react. He leaned close and bumped his head against hers, nuzzling his nose to her until she looked at him. "Something wrong, doll?" He asked softly.

(Y/n) shook her head slightly. "No, just thinking..." She looked back out at the tree. "What if we moved the punching bag and put in a tire swing?"

Bucky's lips turned up as a smile broke out across his face. "Sounds like a perfect idea, doll," he told her softly.

"I- I mean, I don't want to make you take it down, we could find another place for the swing-"

Bucky kissed just under her ear, making her lungs pull in a deep breath. "Nah, doll, it's perfect. Besides," he kissed her again, and she felt her cheeks heat, "I'd do anything for you, Dollface."

"Ugh, stop it, you two; it's already enough with the pancakes, but with this sweetness, too?" Steve complained, holding his hand over his mouth and making puking gestures.

"Aw, shut it, punk, you're just jealous," Bucky said with a loving grin pulling his lips up, his eyes not leaving (Y/n).

"Of what, jerk, disgusting sweetness?" Steve snarked, but he was smiling, happy for his two friends.

... ... ...

Bucky hauled himself to the shower and washed off before going to put on some fresh clothes and finding (Y/n) on the bed, her hands stroking over her belly and a grin on her face.

"Mmm, look at you, doll... if I still did my erotic podcast, this would definitely be in one of them," Bucky told her with a flirty smirk.

"Well, look at you, mister only wearing a towel... and... damn it," she muttered, biting her lip.

Bucky's smirk widened as he recognized the look on her face. "Something wrong, Dollface?" He asked, teasing the towel around his thighs before pulling it off and rubbing it over his hair.

(Y/n) couldn't pull her eyes away from his body, having the perfect view of him standing totally nude at the foot of the bed, and feeling her nipples tingle and her panties getting a little wet. "Yes, I was thinking of Steve, and suddenly-"

Bucky threw the towel behind him, climbing onto the bed. "Doll, you gettin' turned on by Stevie, now? Have I been neglecting you so long that you're starting to fantasize about Stevie's head between your thighs?" He asked, working his way between said thighs and nuzzling her. "God, Dollface, so hot already?" He asked, and she blushed.

He pulled her pants and panties from her and nuzzled against her again, leaving kisses and tiny licks that made her moan.

"Mmm, c'mere, Dollface," he murmured, moving to lay alongside her and guided her over to straddle him. "I wanna see your beautiful body above me." Her heat pressing against his half hard member caught its full attention, and he grew against her as she shifted around while they pulled her top off, slipping inside her. "Oooh, doll, feel so good on me," he groaned. He guided her hips as she rocked them, gently moving in and out of her.

An enormous smile grew over his face, his hands sliding up her hips and over her stretched stomach, stroking where she had already expanded to carry their child. His hands continued up her ribs to her breasts, rubbing over them gently, knowing that they were sore from her body starting milk production.

Bucky's eyes moved up to hers, the smile still stretching his lips. "Have I ever told you that you're everything I've ever wanted, Dollface?" He asked.

(Y/n) felt her cheeks heat and her mouth turned up in a smile. "Bucky," she murmured.

"It's true, (Y/n), everything I could have ever wanted, and more... And you're having my baby..." His hands drifted back down to her stomach, stroking around and over the rounding flesh. "You are so amazingly, perfectly, wonderfully, beautiful (Y/n)."

Bucky's hands softly gripped her hips, slowly guiding her body as they made love, helping her stay steady as she rode him until her thighs couldn't take any more, then he rolled them over and kept the slow pace as he made love to her in that position, gently laying soft kisses over her face.

The soft motions and sounds in the intimate space consuming their world until, finally, even that fell away, leaving only them; Bucky, the woman he loved in his arms, and their child growing in her womb. His home, his life, his everything all in one package for the moment, surrounding him with as much love as he surrounded them with, his to love and protect, forever.

The end! ❤❤❤


End file.
